Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four Hour Car Trip Alone

~ John W. Howell

Top Ten Things not to do.

 

This list was inspired by my recent four-hour one way trip to Galveston. I had to keep reminding my self to avoid each of these things which I managed to do.

10 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to set up a new playlist on Spotify while driving. If you do, at best you’ll take a wrong turn. At worst, you’ll get pulled over by a small town police officer who thinks you are texting and driving. (Lucky the officer is a Dead Head and let you go after a twice run through of “Keep on Truckin” huh, Dawud?)

9 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not pick up hitchhikers. If you do, at best they will be a traveling preacher. At worst you’ll pick up Tiny the WWF champ who has just jogged for ten miles and tells you he thinks he needs a shower. (What gave you a clue, Daylin? Maybe the steamed up windows or the fact that your air freshener exploded?)

8 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not continue to update the GPS system looking for a shorter route.. If you do, at best you’ll end up at a dead-end street. At worst, after four hours the system will route you to a point where you realize you are one state over from your destination. (Best to keep your hands off the system, Dearborn. Maybe it is time to deal with those trust issues.)

7 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not think you need to pass every car on the road. If you do, at best you get stuck behind a slow-moving truck and pass through a speed trap ten miles under the limit. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the oncoming lane with someone at your side who has the same objective. (Is he actually wearing a death’s-head mask,  Declan? Maybe you better hit the brake and get back in your lane. I know, tough decision.)

6 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to do e-mails on your phone. If you do, at best you’ll trash the most important. At worst, you will get so engrossed that you miss the road closed sign. (Looks like you are buried in mud, Delany. Hope you have Triple A.)

5 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not try to stay alert with copious amounts of caffeine. If you do, at best there will be plenty of rest areas. At worst you didn’t pay attention to the sign Last Rest Area for 100 Miles and now you are sweating like an overworked racehorse. (Even the descriptor of racehorse brings up increased tension, Delmar. Why is all the land around you flat and lacking vegetation?)

4 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not start singing and using stage gestures along with the show tune on the radio. If you do, at best those going the opposite way won’t call the State Police to report a crazy person behind the wheel. At worst, they will. (You passed the touch nose test, Demitri. Now, let’s see how that straight line walking goes.)

3 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you are safe going nine miles an hour over the speed limit. If you do, at best you won’t see any police. At worst, you will meet a friendly State Trooper who writes up everyone who is five miles per hour over the limit. (The nice part about being caught in a small town is the folks in jail are very friendly, Derby.)

2 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you can drive and let your mind wander at the same time. If you do, at best the rumble strips will pop you back to reality. At worst, you’ll have just solved that plot conundrum at the same time you end up in a ditch. (The sad thing is that solution flew out your very broken window when you rolled the car, Deron.)

1 If you are alone on a long trip, or any trip, do not text and drive. If you do, at best there will be no consequences. At worst, you might be in a position to regret your action for the rest of your life, Derry.)

 

68 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four Hour Car Trip Alone”

  6. All great advice, especially #1. I think I’d go crazy alone in a car for four hours. Probably be talking to the GPS by hour three. More than just the usual cursing and questioning why I haven’t thrown it out the window. On the plus side, full control of radio and rest stop choices.

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        2. More or less. It was a straight run I’d taken a long time ago to get to college every semester. Things went awry when we hit a construction detour and even worse when we hit NYC. Nearly ended up in New Jersey.

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  7. These are great, John. Fortunately, I tend not to violate these. Unfortunately, I’m on the road with a lot of people who do. At least in New England, you can’t go more than 10 miles without running into a town with a restroom – usually requires that you buy a cup of coffee and start the process all over, but…

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      1. The last time I saw one was in eastern Washington, heading up to the North Cascades Highway. I’ve been lost in Texas (a little south of Dallas) and I was never so happy to see a highway in my life.

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  8. Great list, especially #1. There are far too many who text and drive, often with disastrous consequences. But, haven’t we all been tempted, especially on empty stretches of a freeway? Thank you for the reminders. 🙂

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  12. Yup. I’m a long haul road tripper too. Cities are pretty spread out in the west. When you walk that straight line, maybe you can turn it into an interpretive dance using the show tune.

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    1. I was going to say don’t put your car on cruise control and then hop in the back for a nap. I though it too silly until I read a story of a woman in a motor home who did just that. Now she is suing the manufacturer for not warning her. (Yes the motor home piled up at the first turn.)

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  16. Hope you had a great book fair:) I have to be careful with number 4 especially if certain songs come on…lol. Another great list…and good reminder about picking up passengers.

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  19. I knew, just knew, when I read about your trip to the book fair that you would have some advice for us. The last is most important, I’d like to have a device that blocks cell phones when my daughter drives.

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  20. Another very funny Top Ten, John. #4 cracked me up, crazy person whether coming or going. I’d better watch my singing and driving. 🙂 And, thank you for a serious #1.

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  22. Another funny list, John! I enjoyed it. I would add, do not eat chili before a long drive, because at best, you’ll be traveling with your own “fragrance” the entire way or at worst, you won’t make it to the rest stop and have an accident on the road (accident in your pants). 😉

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  23. Great 10 list, John. I loved the sign at the top and the fact Tiny made the air freshener explode. After the comment about the chili, I feel I have to add something, Jack Nicholson, an older man who’s been traveling, says in the movie “The Bucket List”. “…never trust a fart.” 😀 — Suzanne

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  24. #1 certainly hits home, John. I don’t know why they don’t increase the fine and penalty to a level that many could not afford. It would put a stop to holding a phone while driving for many drivers.
    On a humorous note, I agree with what Vashti says in her comment. Also, make sure you always have clean underwear on before a long drive.

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