Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Photo Credit: Science Source/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY

This week marks the anniversary of the first successful parachute descent made by André-Jacques Garnerin, who jumped from a balloon at some 2,200 feet over Paris in 1797. This post ran first on October 21, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

10. If you go to the jump, do not ask André-Jacques if you can go tandem. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh you off. At worst, he will think you are trying to steal his thunder. (That glove slap to the face means you better start practicing your swordsmanship, Jarl. Of course, you could pray he forgets about it. Likely? Not.)

9 If you go to the jump, do not try to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you can take over holding his balloon tie-down ropes. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t understand your request. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last seven anger management group sessions, will not give you the rope without a fight. (You better worry about that rope around your ankle, Jarrad. Your weight isn’t enough to keep the balloon on the ground. So as you dangle from one leg at 2000 feet, you might contemplate this. Does Tiny really know how to tie a knot that holds?)

8 If you go to the jump, do not start taking bets on whether or not old André-Jacques will make it. If you do, at best, André-Jacques will not find out about it. At worst, André-Jacques’ brother will bet he won’t. (Now you’ve caused a family incident, Jarran. Here comes André-Jacques now. I see he has a glove in his hand. Might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the jump, do not offer to pack André-Jacques’ chute. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he’ll let you do it. (Funny how that thing looked like a trail of smoke when he let go of the balloon, Jarrell. The sad thing is, it never opened. Oh, well, there is always next time.)

6 If you go to the jump, do not ask André-Jacques to unfold your sweetheart proposal flag on the way down. If you do, at best, he’ll say no. At worst, he’ll agree. (Just your luck, Jase. At least four women in the spectator area are named Noelle. Good luck on the breach of promise lawsuits, not to mention the father’s blunderbusses)

5 If you go to the jump, do not ask the André-Jacques if he knows the color of his balloon. If you do, at best. he will be too busy to answer. At worst, he’ll think you are making a joke about his balloon. (As you may know, Jaspar, Frenchmen don’t take American jokes lightly. I don’t think he gets this one for sure.)

4 If you go to the jump, do not try to get André-Jacques to yell Geronimo when he jumps out of the balloon. If you do, at best, he’ll have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, he’ll think you are joking, too, Jaxon. Don’t look now, but that guy in the top hat is the second coming to ask which weapon you would like to use. Here’s a hint. Tell him death by pillows.)

3 If you go to the jump, do not suggest that André-Jacques should have his parachute made out of silk by Hermes. If you do, at best, he will assume you don’t know what you are talking about. At worst, he will place an order for the parachute. ( Now you are in a pickle, Jaydee. You didn’t know Hermes was founded in 1837. How will you deliver a parachute tomorrow when the manufacturer won’t be in business for 40 years? You got any silkworms?)

2. If you go to the jump, do not ask André-Jacques to wear your Go Lafayette sweatshirt for the stunt. If you do, at best, he’ll decline. At worst, he will accept your gift. (Given the angst around supporting the American Revolution, that shirt could cause a definite crowd reaction, Jayme. I’m not talking positive either. Can you say Guillotine?)

1 If you go to the jump, do not ask for an order of French fries at the local food tent. If you do, at best, you’ll get a thicker, fried potato. At worst, the order taker won’t understand you and will alert the chef. (Here we go, Jayson. You got the big guy with the butcher knife all hot and bothered. I would hit the road if I were you.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments
Photo by Donghun Shin on Unsplash

 

Yes, this week marks the anniversary of George Washington laying the White House cornerstone in 1792. I’m sure you want to be there, but before you go, take this list and avoid making social or time-travel mistakes. The original post was run on October 14, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

10 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not think the silver trowel is a souvenir. If you do, at best, a kindly George Washington will ask you to put it back. At worst, the Navy men in attendance who are also celebrating the founding of the Navy will help you put it back. (It seems as if those Navy boys have had a little too much rum, Jakome. They are serious about your yardarm swing.)

9 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat. If you do, at best, he will find another. At worst, Tiny, who missed his Anger Management support group that morning, will not be able to control himself. (If you can hold on for another minute, Jalen, Tiny will grow tired of spinning you around above his head. Of course, your landing after that helicopter experience might be a little rough.)

8 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not carry a sign that says, “Federalists Suck.” If you do, at best, the Federalists will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you don’t support the Constitution. ( You’ve done it now, Jamael. You have all those burly revolutionary veterans ready to run you out of town. )

7 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Alexander Hamilton for tickets to his show. If you do, at best, he’ll wonder, “What show?” At worst, he’ll have Aaron Burr meet you at dawn. ( Do not go through with the duel, Jamison. That guy knows his way around a flintlock. I’ll bet you have much to learn.)

6 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Washington what he thinks of “the wall.” If you do, at best, he’ll talk about clearing rocks out of the fields at Mount Vernon. At worst, when you describe what you are asking, he will have you committed. (You knew that was a non-subject, Jamshid. Gotta wonder why you would go there?)

5 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not expect to find a Starbucks right next door. If you do, at best, you can handle disappointment. At worst, your caffeine cravings will get the best of you. (There was no reason to yell at that sweet old lady when she couldn’t tell you where the nearest Starbucks was, Jantzen. Now you have that big soldier over there looking crossly at you.)

4 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask for directions to the Washington monument. If you do, at best, someone will point to George. At worst, whoever you ask will begin to suspect you are not from around there. (Since the monument wasn’t started until 1848, Janyd, you’ll gather a crowd who may not like your time-travel story.)

3 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask about the Secret Service protecting the President. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, they might ask why you think the President needs protecting. (Since the Secret Service wasn’t established until 1865, Japhet, those police officers will wonder why you are so concerned. Maybe time to leave.)

2 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask the architect why he forgot a fence? If you do, at best he’ll tell you there is no need since the President doesn’t keep cows. At worst, the idea will get passed around, and someone will suggest one be put in. (In effect, you caused a time tear, Jarah, since Thomas Jefferson helped build one in 1801)

1 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not offer to help carry the stone. If you do, at best, it will arrive in one piece. At worst, it was a little heavier than you thought, and now it is lying in two chunks on the ground. (Yeah, I would say it is time to run, not walk, to the time machine, Jari. I think your work is done here, and about 200 folks would love to wring your neck.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of an American Football Game.

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments
Image – Wikipedia – Backyard Brawl 1908

This week marks the anniversary of the first live radio broadcast of a football game in 1921. The game was played at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh. Harold W. Arlin of radio station KDKA announced the game. The University of Pittsburgh Panthers beat the West Virginia University Mountaineers 21 to 13. (Not much has changed there. This rivalry began in 1895, and so far, the University of Pittsburgh has won the meeting more times than West Virginia University. It is called the Back Yard Brawl because the two schools are only 70 miles apart.) I think we ought to go to the game rather than listen on the radio. Well, bring the radio along too. It might be fun to see how close the announcer’s description is to the real action. As usual, there are rules to follow, so we don’t create a tear in the time continuum. Take this list with you. This list first ran on October 7, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of an American Football Game.

10 If you are at the game, do not think you can listen to the broadcast on streaming audio via Spotify. If you do, at best, those around you will be too interested in the game to notice your cell phone. At worst, the usher will spot your phone and ask you to follow him. (For heaven’s sake, Jacquez, don’t go. You really want to explain that you are from the year 2026? They’ll have a padded room reserved for you.)

9 If you are at the game, do not tell Tiny the WWF Champ and hot dog vendor that his hot dogs are old. If you do, at best, he will think you said “cold” and laugh at the joke. At worst, Tiny, who just left his self-esteem support group, will think you are criticizing him. (No matter what you say, Jad, you are in for an overhead pinwheel and body toss just as if you were in the ring. The landing on the bleachers, however, won’t be as soft.)

8 If you are at the game, do not wear your Mountaineer coon-skin cap while sitting in the Pitt section. If you do, at best, a kindly person behind you will ask you to remove it. At worst, a not-so-kindly person behind you will remove it. (There you have it, Jadrein. Your hat is back and filled with who knows what liquid. No, don’t drink out of your hat, you idiot. You have no idea what that is, even though it looks like beer.)

7 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the fans to burn a sofa when they get home to Morgantown. If you do, at best, WVU is ahead at the time. At worst, the fan will think you are a Pitt fan. (You see, Jael, WVU fans only burn sofas when they win. That big guy with the red eyes and WVU shirt thinks you are mocking him.)

6 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the Pitt fans that the game be played next year in Morgantown. If you do, at best, they will laugh at your joke. At worst, they will think you are a WVU fan. (The first game of the rivalry was not played in Morgantown until 1963. Is it any wonder these Pitt fans are now crowd surfing you to the exit, Jafari?)

5 If you are at the game, do not bring your Mountaineer musket into the stands. If you do, at best, most of the fans will clear out. At worst, you will come face to face with several Pitt fans all dressed as panthers. (What are you going to do now, Jagmeet? The way they are growling, they seem to be serious.)

4 If you are at the game, do not tease Roc the panther. If you do, at best, Roc will be used to it. At worst, Roc has made up his mind to bite the twelfth person who teases him. (Not-so-good news, Jahi. The eleventh just left.)

3 If you are at the game, do not sing the WVU fight song if you don’t know the words. If you do, at best, the noise will drown you out. At worst, your fellow WVU fans will realize you are different. ( Lucky for you, Jahnu, you now get to see the game from the parking lot.)

2 If you are at the game, do not try to find a plug for that old Philco radio. If you do, at best, you burn a lot of calories. At worst, someone will eventually come to believe you stole the radio. (Hauling it up and down the stadium stairs made you look very much out of place, Jair. Maybe you should just park it in the clubhouse. Wait, there’s a plug.)

1 If you are at the game, do not start quoting stats of the various players. If you do, at best, people will move away from you. At worst, they will think you are from a different planet. (In the 20s, hardly anyone paid attention to the stats, Jaison. It was a matter of win or lose. All those yards gained rushing and passing, as well as turnovers, were blurred by actually watching the game instead of a talking head.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783.

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments
Image by susannp4 from Pixabay

 

This week marks the anniversary of the first hot air balloon launch in Versailles, France, in 1783. Since this was the beginning of man’s desire to fly, you must go. Please take this list with you to avoid an incident with the French (challenging to do) or a time-continuum disruption that could be catastrophic. This post was first run on September 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783.

10 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not try to buy a ticket. If you do, at best, they’ll tell you no. At worst, the head guy will inform you this trip is for animals only. (Do not give in to the temptation to moo like a cow, Javier. The first animals on the trip were a sheep, a rooster, and a duck.)

9 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for a selfie with you. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny, who just left his anti-witchcraft support group, will think you are trying to take his soul. (I’m not saying Tiny is superstitious, but I’m not sure that phone is going to survive a foot stomp and water bath, Jagger. Also, Tiny has the same thing in mind for you.)

8 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not attempt to communicate in French. If you do, at best, no one will acknowledge that they understand you. At worst, you will give yourself away with your obnoxious American accent. (Now you’ve done it, Jessie. These folks will want to know how you got here and why your damn revolution started in the first place. Please don’t say, “Je ne sais pas.” You’ll just make it worse.

7 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not admire the Palace of Versailles in front of the mob. If you do, at best, most will not hear you. At worst, you happen to make your comments to Robespierre and his friends. (If you recall, the French Revolution began in 1789, just five years from now. These Robespierre heavies look like bad hombres. Let’s just hope you are back home in 1789.)

6 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make jokes about where the French get all their hot air. If you do, at best, you’ll get a couple of laughs. At worst, the guys in charge of heating the air will put you on wood-chopping duty. (You have to admit it, Joaquin. Life was more comfortable before all the hot air jokes. That ten-pound ax sure gets its name, honestly, huh?)

5 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not order a waffle from the breakfast cafe. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are saying. At worst, the cafe owner will be horrified and call the gendarmes. (You see, Jimmy, when you ordered a gaufre (or waffle in French), your accent was so bad the owner thought you had requested a gopher. Either way, anything but bread and coffee is considered uncivilized.)

4 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask the balloon owner how much he paid for the balloon. If you do, at best, he will walk away. At worst, he will take you for an ugly American and tell you to mind your business. (Then the crowd will wonder who you are, Johnny, and will start to figure out you are an alien. Time to hit the Wayback Machine.)

3 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make comments about the snails being served for lunch. If you do, at best, someone will take yours. At worst, those in attendance will wonder where you are from and how come you have not been raised right. (Couple that with your accent, Jonas and you might earn a ticket to the guillotine testing facility.)

2 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not do a lot of smiling at people. If you do, at best, some will think you have gas. At worst, most of the French will assume you are an ax murderer. (Yeah, the French don’t smile much at strangers, Julien. You are making them uncomfortable, a feeling they will want to reciprocate.)

1 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not comment on the inclement weather. If you do, at best, you’ll get a “what’s new” shrug. At worst, several folks you meet will ask you to do something about it. (This is a new one, Jim. I hope you are prepared to produce miracles.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments
Image by nakataza02 from Pixabay

This post was published on September 9th, 2019. Since we still take elevators, I think it might be useful

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best, you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)

9 If you are in an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny is busy worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)

8 If you are in an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire State building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water. How about you?)

7 If you are in an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best, everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (The report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)

6 If you are in an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best, everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)

5 If you are in an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best, one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)

4 If you are in an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best, everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you.  At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)

3 If you are in an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best, they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)

2 If you are in an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best, everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)

1 If you are in an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best, you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Labor Day

 

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

***

In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Wizard of Oz in 1938.

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments
Image by Thomasschoene from Pixabay

 

This week marks the anniversary of the opening of the movie The Wizard of Oz in New York City in 1938. Since we all want to attend that gala event, we need to take our Top Ten Things Not to Do list so we can enjoy the evening without causing an incident or a tear in the time continuum. All set? Let’s go. This post ran first on August 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of The Wizard of Oz in 1938.

10 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not think anyone will appreciate your cosplay attempt with the lion costume. If you do, at best, no one will take your photo. At worst, since cosplay is a thing of recent history, the zoo will be called, and you’ll be netted. (This is a fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into, Iapetus. At least there’s plenty of red meat served. I would keep an eye on that big fella over there. I think he likes you.)

9 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not let Tiny the WWF champ see you cut in line. If you do, at best, you can quickly make friends with the person you cut in front of. At worst, Tiny, who was just warned about the evils of line cutting by his boss, has decided to make an example of you. (Stop screaming, Idris. Tiny will eventually stop twirling and slam you to the pavement. Then it will be time to scream.)

8 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not make any comment about the Munchkins. If you do, at best, they’ll be too busy to hear you. At worst, your comment regarding size challenge will not go unrevenged. (How does it feel being carried aloft by one hundred hands, Ignat? I hope you enjoy the ride cause the next stop is the Hudson River.)

7 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not sing along with Dorothy on the song Over the Rainbow. If you do, at best, the music will be loud enough to drown you out. At worst, the theater management will finally find you. (They thought you had brought your cat to the performance, Iliya. Looks like you better say a quick goodbye to your seatmates.)

6 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not think it amusing to arrive on a pink horse. If you do, at best, traffic will be so bad you’ll never get to the front door. At worst, you’ll come face to face with the militant leader of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. (The leader makes the Wicked Witch of the West appear to be a Girl Scout, Imad. That umbrella feels like a billy club, doesn’t it? Best to ride out of town.)

5 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask the concession person for a copy of the DVD. If you do, at best you’ll get a box of Raisinets instead. At worst, the concession person thinking you mean to hold up the stand will whistle for the police. (Now you have the pleasure of explaining what a DVD is, Imanol. Maybe it’s better to say you meant Raisinets after all.)

4 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask to try on the ruby slippers. If you do, at best Judy Garland will say no. At worst, you’ll get them on. (Now what are you going to do, Indra? You have size fives on your nines and no way to get them off. You’re lucky there is not a real witch, Glenda. She would send you back to Kansas.)

3 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask the Winged Monkey King for an autograph. If you do, at best he won’t have a pen. At worst he might decide to take you back to the tower to share a lunch. (Don’t look now, Iolo, but the term “share” has a different meaning to the Flying Monkeys)

2 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask Auntie Em for a cookie. If you do, at best she won’t hear you. At worst, you will be the one-millionth person to make that request. (So Auntie decided to give you something for your effort, huh, Ionakana? Here, take this steak and put it on that eye. The swelling will go down in no time.)

1 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not shout out, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, when that part comes in the movie, the audience realizes you shouted a spoiler. (Time to leave your seat, Iowereth. There are about 300 moviegoers who want a piece of you. Guess what? There aren’t that many pieces to go around.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Storming the Bastille in 1789

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments
Bastille photo from Wikipedia

 

Since July marks the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille in 1789, I thought it would be a good idea to lay out some things not to do if you can go there and join in the fun. As you know, the Bastille was a prison that the government of the time used to incarcerate and torture political prisoners. The day is called “Bastille Day” in English (la Fête Nationale in French) and is widely recognized as the beginning of the French Revolution. If you are going, take this list. Who knows, it might just save your head. This post first ran on July 15th 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Storming the Bastille in 1789

10 If you are storming the Bastille, do not continue to carry your Vive Le Roi banner. If you do, at best, someone will take it from you. At worst, you will be associated with royalty and may become a guest of the third estate at the next guillotine party. (Why on Earth didn’t you know this was a demonstration against Louis XVI, Ike. Too many vin rouges, eh?)

9 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get in front of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, you’ll fall down, and Tiny will run over you. At worst, Tiny just left the rally where the beer was free and is anxious to grab the royal flag. (The sad thing is, Tiny is focused on getting through the locked door and is now using you like a battering ram. It should be over in a few minutes, Iggy one way or another.)

8 If you are storming the Bastille, do not count on trading stories with the Marquis de Sade, a prisoner there. If you do, at best, you’ll accept that he left ten days before. At worst, you’ll try to organize a group to storm the insane asylum where he was transferred. (You have to admit, not many want to help you, Ilias. Maybe that should give you a clue.)

7 If you are storming the Bastille, do not insist on a foie gras lunch. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the average person has no idea what a foie gras is and will think you a royalist. (Now we are back to the original invitation to the head loss party after the storming is done, Inigo. I would think you could learn something in all this.)

6 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get caught with your “Go Camera recording the whole thing. If you do, at best, you can tell them it’s a new kind of bomb, and they’ll believe you. At worst, your explanation will fall on deaf ears. (So now you are in line for the dunking chair, which is designed to get the truth out of witches. Just tell them you are a witch, Isaak. Maybe they’ll go easy on you.)

5 If you are storming the Bastille, do not say to the mob that red, white, and blue are not your colors. If you do, at best you’ll get a sympathetic colorist. At worst, you would be confessing to a bloodthirsty peasant your disdain for the tri-color, the symbol of the revolution. (Yes, his eyes are red, Isah. No, I don’t think he has allergies. I believe he is mad at you. Yeah, running may not be the answer.)

4 If you are storming the Bastille, do not stop for a café au lait and croissant. If you do, at best, you won’t be late for the storming. At worst, you’ll arrive after the storming is over and be accused of dereliction of duty. (I’ll bet you can guess what the punishment is for dereliction of duty, Iman. You got it. The big falling blade and close haircut.)

3 If you are storming the Bastille, do not try to yell “Liberté, égalité, fraternité” in French. If you do, at best, the noise will be too loud, and no one will hear you. At worst, you will be heard, and your American accent will give you away. (You wonder why everyone is so angry, Iain? They want their revolution to be theirs without interference from Americans. If you continue to try to help, you will. only to be despised later)

2 If you are storming the Bastille, do not suggest that it would make a beautiful condo after the storming. If you do, at best, folks will think you are shell-shocked. At worst, Maximilien Robespierre will overhear your idea. (You may wonder why ole Max gave you a card with the number one printed on it, Idi. You have been honored to be the first to give up your head for the revolution. There’s the guillotine line right over there. You just march right to the front. It’s your right.)

1 If you are storming the Bastille, do not throw away that stale baguette. If you do, at best, you will still have a sword. At worst, that baguette would have made an excellent weapon, and now you are defenseless. (Everyone knows that a day-old baguette can be used to drive nails, Ignace. Think of what a beautiful club it would have made.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments
Image by wynpnt from Pixabay

 

As we all know, this month marks the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, signed in 1776 by John Hancock and others. It would be fun to be there, but of course, there are things we should not do if we go. Take this list with you, as it may save you trouble in the long run. This post was published on July 1st, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

10 If you are at the signing, do not place that tankard of ale anywhere near the document. If you do, at best, you might leave a ring on it. At worst, a careless spill could mean doing the whole thing over. (All those signatures, not to mention the handwritten document, are now soaked, Hosa. Quit trying to clean up the mess with that lace tablecloth. You are only making it worse. It will take days to redo, and now July 4th will be on July 10th.)

9 If you are at the signing, do not go near the document as long as Tiny, the WWF champ, has been assigned the duty to protect it. If you do, at best, Tiny will issue a warning. At worst, Tiny, who just left being scolded by John Hancock for being too soft, will demonstrate his toughness for all to see. ( Trust me, you can survive the step over toe hold with a helicopter body slam finish, Houghton. You just have to relax more.)

8 If you are at the signing, do not volunteer to stand in for New York and sign on their behalf. If you do, at best you’ll be told to sit down. At worst, you will sign and cause a rift between the Continental Congress and New York. ( You see, Houston, New York made a conscious decision not to sign on July 4th because as delegates they weren’t given the go-ahead by New York leadership. They did sign on July 9th after erasing your name.)

7 If you are at the signing, do not think everyone will be signing on July 4th. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the delegation will have you tossed into the street. (Most of the signatures were not collected until copies of the declaration were circulated to the colonies, Hovhaness. The final official document was not fully signed until August 2nd. July 4th is the date that the Declaration was ratified. John Hancock signed as the leader of the Continental Congress.)

6 If you are at the signing, do not begin singing, “God Save the King.” If you do, at best, you’ll be singing alone. At worst, the delegates will take you for a crown sympathizer and ride you out of town. ( I know that rail is uncomfortable, Howahkan. Maybe next time you could pick a better song.)

5 If you are at the signing, do not give the author, Thomas Jefferson, some notes on how you think the Declaration could be improved. If you do, at best, like most authors, he will have a thick skin. At worst, since he has gone without sleep in order to finish the document, Jefferson may challenge you to a duel. (I think you should walk a mile in Thom’s shoes before leaving a review, Hrolleif.) Besides, what do you know about writing a Declaration?)

4 If you are at the signing, although tempting, do not suggest changing the word “men” to “humans.” If you do, at best, your political correctness will evoke a laugh. At worst, the authors had intended human beings to be covered by the Declaration, and now a whole new debate has ensued. (Might have been better just to say nothing, Hu. It seems the Declaration has been tabled and the delegates have dispersed. So much for not creating a time continuum event.)

3 If you are at the signing, do not offer to hold the quill pens. If you do, at best, you’ll mess up a couple of the nubs. At worst, when it comes time for John Hancock to sign, there won’t be a fine point available. (So it was you who caused John to sign in that huge manner, Hueil? All along the story, he wanted King George to be able to see his signature without wearing spectacles.)

2 If you are at the signing, do not suggest adding pizza to the preamble, which reads, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” (You have to wonder about the looks you got at the suggestion, Hugi. You should be glad nobody asked you to explain pizza.)

1 If you are at the signing, do not ask Samual Adams what his seasonal beer flavor will be this year. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are joking. At worst, he will assume you are buying the drinks and invite all the delegates to your party. ( I wonder how you are going to cover the bar bill, Hui. I’m almost positive the inn won’t take that American Express card. It might be time to hit the escape button rather than face the theft charges.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Entering King Tut’s Tomb.

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

This post is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. In 1922, the entrance to King Tutankhamen’s tomb was discovered in Egypt. It first ran on November 9th 2018

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Entering King Tut’s Tomb.

10 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not ignore the curse written on the main door. If you do, at best, it is just a practical joke. At worst, that look in the mirror ten days later will give you a hint you should have paid attention. (That dry skin mummy look is trying to give you a heads up to a problem, Faer. Better contact a shaman quickly.)

9 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not disturb that cloth-wrapped hulk with the WWF champion belt. If you do, at best, it is just a statue. At worst, the spirit of Tiny the WWF champ has been waiting centuries to body slam an opponent. (Well, you woke it up, Fagen. I think you should start looking for a soft landing spot.)

8 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not try any of the preserved food in those gold pots. If you do, at best, the food will be dust. At worst, those pickles will have a monumental repeat factor. (Stay close to the facilities, Faine. You just never know.)

7 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not sit on any of the furniture. If you do, at best, you’ll pick a solid piece. At worst, you’ll sit in a 4000-year-old chair that has seen better days. ( No need to try putting it back together, Fane. That priceless antique is now sawdust, and the curator is preparing a bill for you right now.)

6 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not touch the king’s sarcophagus with your bare hand. If you do, at best, a layer of dust will protect the finish. At worst, the oils from your skin will leave a permanent handprint on the priceless relic. (You may need to confess, Faraz. The CSI is now running the print through an identification process, which is bound to lead to you.)

5 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not pull any lever that you may come across. If you do, at best, the lever is not connected. At worst, the lever is connected to the trap door under your feet. (Falling through the dark is pretty scary, huh, Farnham. Wait until you hit bottom.)

4 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not think you can take a souvenir. If you do, at best, the security guy will tell you to put it back. At worst, you will get it home only to discover several Boris Karloff types hanging around your bedroom. (Don’t worry about these guys being see-through, Farquhar. At least they can’t hold a knife.)

3 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not forget a flashlight (electric torch). If you do, at best, someone else may have one. At worst, you’ll try using a cigarette lighter and end up falling into the coffin with the king. (You can stop screaming now, Farren. The king is not holding you down. That cover merely slammed shut. Of course, that click sound is troublesome)

2 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not take a selfie with the king. If you do, at best, the picture won’t turn out. At worst, when you look at it, the picture will have some other characters in it that you never saw. (I’m not saying the place is haunted, Farrokh but you now have captured the souls of the king”s guards. Good luck with that.)

1 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not bring your Big Gulp drink inside. If you do, at best, it will be gone before you set it down. At worst, you will set it where someone will knock it over into the King’s sarcophagus. (History records some unknown substance all over the king, Fars. Your secret is safe with us.)