Category: top ten things not to do

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

harvard

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in 1636. This post was published on October 28, 2018.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best, the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny, the WWF champ, is a member. If you do, at best, Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny, who was just criticized by the dean for unnecessary hazing, had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean’s lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best, no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best, you can get notes from the nerd. At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder, okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense, thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best, the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the college until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best, your fellow students will just laugh. At worst, the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time in the dunking chair for the rule violation. I hope those hold-your-breath contests come in handy.)

2  If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best, no one will need the space. At worst, Professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh, Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best, you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, it looks like your used books will make excellent fire starters, Fadil. Better luck next term)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Attract Other Authors to Do a Top Ten List

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments
Photo by Sean Foster on Unsplash

 

This post was published on July 21, 2014. For some reason, I had it in my mind that another author would like to co-write the top ten not-to-do lists with me. I learned a valuable lesson, but it was a fun list, so I’m sharing it again. No, I am not soliciting another co-author.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Attract Other Authors to Do a Top Ten List

10. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not make them believe they will become rich and famous. If you do, at best, they will overlook the one “like” and still speak to you. At worst, they could find a way to troll your blog for the rest of your life.

9.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not try to write a top ten list for them. If you do, at best, you will probably include information that makes no sense. At worst, you might unintentionally include embarrassing information that the author had no idea you knew, and which will put you on the author’s hate list for all time.

8.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not lead them to believe it is easy. If you do, at best, you may never get the author to guest blog again. At worst, you may receive unpleasant e-mails from your former colleague requesting that you place your list where the sun doesn’t shine.

7.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not think you won’t need a post for that day. If you do, at best, you will be scrambling to put together something at the last minute. At worst, you will publish an incoherent post that is so off the mark you’ll want to enroll in a witness protection program and will be willing to commit a crime to do so.

6. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not force the subject. If you do, at best, you may end up with a top ten list of nothing. At worst, you will no doubt antagonize your readers with the junk produced and will have made an enemy for life of the author.

5. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not insist on running your own media. If you do, at best, your media will have absolutely no tie-in to the list. At worst, you will have the pleasure of enjoying your media selection alone, a state that may prove permanent.

4. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not set up a set of pre-publish rules that may be impossible to follow. If you do, at best, you may find yourself listless on Monday. At worst, you may cause what has been a lovely relationship with the author to degenerate into twelve paces at dawn, and you don’t know how to fire a flintlock pistol.

3. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not promise food or money for participation. If you do, at best, you will need to figure out a way to select the best lists. At worst, you may be put in a position of turning down beautiful lists because you have run out of money and food, turning those you don’t accept into lifelong Voodoo practitioners.

2. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not offer to guest post on their blog in return. If you do, at best, you might get a nibble or two. At worst, you will be listening to the crickets for a long time since none of those who are offered really want you to guest post.

1. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not plead, beg, cry, or kick your feet. If you do, at best, your fellow bloggers will find a way to unfollow you. At worst, you will broadcast your desperation, which, in the jungle as well as in the blogosphere, can lead to being pounced upon by hungry lions.

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Shopping at the Last Minute for the Holidays

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

This post was initially published by Marie Ann Bailey and me on December 23, 2013. I thought it might be a good idea to publish it a little early to perhaps avoid last-minute shopping.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Shopping at the Last Minute for the Holidays

10.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not battle another for a parking place. If they are similarly crazed, you may just lose the front end of your car. At the same time, the other driver yells “Wakanda Forever” at you as if they are Angela Bassett in Black Panther.

9.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not take your children with you. At best, they will get in the way. At worst, they will be a witness to your stepped-up aggressive behavior when you Taser another parent for the last remaining Lego City Police Boat Chase set.

8.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not leave home without a list. If you do, at best, you will no doubt forget something or someone. At worst, you will be tempted to grab armloads of stuff with the rationale that what doesn’t work can be returned, only to find out after the holidays that you were wrong.

7.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not think you are going to get anything on sale. If you think you will, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, you will be afraid to go home, given what you have spent.

6.  When shopping at the last minute for the holidays, do not forget the sizes on your list. If you do, at best, you may just misjudge. At worst, you will get your mother-in-law an extra-large, and you’ll never hear the end of it (even if it is the right size).

5.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not think expensive will take the place of thoughtful. If you do, at best, you will spend too much and become everyone’s favorite gift-giver.  At worst, none of your gifts will be appreciated, and all of them will be returned for cash.

4.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not have everything gift wrapped at the store. If you do, at best, it will appear as if you did not put your heart into the gifts. At worst, you could be accused of giving gifts you bought for someone else.

3.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays do not buy gifts that you yourself would not want to receive. If you do, at best, you might just get it back someday. At worst, the gift might be as tasteless as you thought it was, and now you are the embarrassed recipient.

2.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not stop until your list is complete. If you do, at best, the person you left off will give you the best gift ever, and you’ll have to admit that you got them nothing. At worst, your excuse of running out of time will be the straw that broke the camel’s back, since you had a year to make it right.

1.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not stop humming your favorite carol. If you do, you might break out in tears, and nobody likes a crier this time of year.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Boarding Your Pet

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments
Photo by Joe Caione on Unsplash

 

This post ran on December 19th, 2016. Boarding pets is a way of life, so I hope you enjoy it.

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This list was inspired by the fact that many people are traveling for the holidays. Not every pet is comfortable going along, so many owners place their pets in a boarding facility. Here are a few hints to keep the outside world from thinking you have clearly lost your mind. Yes, parting with your pet into the care of others is traumatic, but we need to exercise some dignity when surrendering the fur baby.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Boarding Your Pet

10 If you are boarding your pet, do not deliver them dressed in an outrageous costume. If you do, at best, it may get lost. At worst, your pet will be marked as belonging to a crazy old person who thinks their pet is a child. ( Did you ever wonder why your pet is depressed when you return. Huh Ferd?)

9 If you are boarding your pet, do not ask to meet all the other pets to see if there are any undesirables in the group. If you do, at best, the staff will be too busy to accommodate you. At worst, you will see some characters that will give you nightmares. (This isn’t a country club, Bunky. Your pet has to face the reality of the real world)

8 If you are boarding your pet, do not try to make friends with other pets by passing out treats. If you do, at best, the staff will ask you to stop. At worst, one of the pets getting a treat is allergic to everything. (Looks like Tiny, the WWF champion, is heading your way after helping Brutus get rid of the treat. Hope that the automatic door is working)

7 If you are boarding your pet, do not hand the staff a long list of things they need to do to make your pet happy. If you do, at best, the list will hit the basket the moment you leave. At worst, the staff will realize that taking in your pet may be a monumental liability they cannot accept. (Now you have nowhere else to go, Buster, since you’ve been banned from every other kennel.)

6 If you are boarding your pet, do not overstate the ability of your pet to get along well with others. If you do, at best, your pet will be quarantined from playtime. At worst, you will be called back from your trip to answer a summons relating to your unfriendly pet. (Maybe you can explain to the court that, to your knowledge, your Great Dane never had a taste for Dashound.)

5 If you are boarding your pet, do not insist on leaving a picture of the family to keep it company. If you do, at best, the staff will lose the image. At worst, your pet will not appreciate having to share the cramped space with the photo. (Wonder how it got so wet Buford?)

4 If you are boarding your pet, do not think that by paying extra for a live video feed, you have the right to call the facility at all hours of the night. If you do, at best, your calls will go to voicemail. At worst, you will be banned from this facility and asked to come get your pet. (This is the last one in town, Raymond. What are you going to do now?)

3 If you are boarding your pet, do not spend an inordinate amount of time saying goodbye. If you do, at best, the staff will need to get your pet settled and may tell you to go. At worst, your pet will wonder what is going on and may have an anxiety attack. (Not a pretty picture of you and your pet sobbing on the floor of the reception area.)

2. If you are boarding your pet, do not include all their favorite toys. If you do, at best, your pet will not play with most. At worst, other pets will find the toys more enjoyable and be lost to the pack forever. (It makes you wonder how the toys got out into the general population. Right, Slick?).

1 If you are boarding your pet,  do not forget to have all the immunizations up to date. If you do, at best, the facility has a resident vet who can take care of that for you. At worst, you will cancel your trip since no facility will allow you entry. (Well, too bad those tickets are not refundable)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You are Bored

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

 

This list ran on October 16th, 2017. Since folks still get bored, it may come in handy.

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This list was inspired by a daydreaming session during which I wondered what it would be like to be bored and then make some bad choices as a result. I hope you like it.

10 If you are bored, do not attend a city council meeting. If you do at best, you’ll get a needed nap. At worst, you will attempt to liven things up with an outrageous proposal. ( You didn’t think the idea of a five-year-old taking over the mayor’s job would gain traction, did you, Dylan? You make being the laughing stock look like a legitimate profession.)

9 If you are bored, do not go to the grocery store. If you do, at best, you will hope the paper goods section has been moved, but only to find it hasn’t. At worst, you will fill your cart and jump into the ten items or less line manned by Tiny, the WWF champ. Tiny was just told by the manager that he is too soft when demanding compliance with the ten-or-under rule. (You did hold your own for a while there, Drake.)

8 If you are bored, do not go to the park to watch a chess match. If you do, at best, one of the players will move a piece. At worst, you will be lucky to observe two well-matched players for what turns into a ten-hour match. (I’m unsure what you were expecting, Douglass, but this is not a contact sport.)

7 If you are bored, do not turn on reruns of the 90’s show “Cop Rock.” If you do, at best, you’ll fall into a deep sleep. At worst, about mid-episode, you will suddenly realize watching paint dry is better than this. ( Thinking that you like music and cop shows, you thought this would be a winner, right, Dean?)

6 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby that has been identified as most boring. If you do, at best, you’ll snap out of it. At worst, your family will set up an intervention to stop your traffic cone collection activities. (Just because the living room is filled with traffic cones, you didn’t see the hospitalization coming, did you, Dexter?)

5 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby like bungee jumping. If you do, at best, you’ll chicken out before the first jump. At worst, you’ll make a jump and then have to buy numerous copies of the video where you are screaming like a baby. (Oops. You missed the one that went viral on YouTube, Duke.)

4 If you are bored, do not go to Las Vegas for some excitement. If you do, at best, your first thousand-dollar loss will cure you. At worst, you put your life savings on the black spot at the roulette wheel just for kicks. (Retirement is now put off until you are eighty-two, Drew?) Editor’s note –  Unfortunate alliteration.

3 If you are bored, do not plan to visit North Dakota. If you do, at best, you’ll go in the summer. At worst, you’ll be caught in the snow and can look forward to playing solitaire until May. (Hopefully, you’ll have a deck of fifty-two, Dalton.)

2 If you are bored, do not organize something. If you do, at best, it will be a half-hearted effort. At worst, you will get so wrapped up in the organization that you’ll take on signs of a classic OCD attack. (Just put that paper anywhere, Darren. You’ll never look at it again anyway.)

1 If you are bored, do not look up a list of what to do if you are bored. If you do, at best, the list may be extensive. At worst, you might do one of the items like “download the Bitmoji app. Make your personalized emoji, and then send all your friends fun cartoon texts.”* (Wonder where your friends went, Dane?)

*From 96 Things to Do When You’re Bored by Katie Sweeney. An excellent list of things to do.

Top Ten things not to do when trying to decide what to watch on TV

~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

 

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

 

This post ran on October 6th, 2014. Since we all need to decide what to watch on TV, it still might be helpful.

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Top Ten things not to do when trying to decide what to watch on TV

This list was inspired by a recent visit to a friend’s house and observing how the friend decided which shows to watch.

10 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not take a suggestion from anyone ages fourteen to eighteen. If you do, at best, you will be lost in the translation. At worst, you will see and hear things that will keep you up at night.

9 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not use the newspaper reviews as a guide to good programming. If you do, at best, you will be asleep earlier than usual. At worst, you might wonder if you should discontinue your cable service.

8 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, don’t ask someone else what they want. If you do, at best, you will get an icy stare when you ignore the suggestion. At worst, you may end up watching this and other shows in the privacy of the garage.

7 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not scroll through the guide, hoping something good will jump at you. If you do, at best, you will have to review one hundred and sixty channels that are basically the same. At worst, those in the room may call an audible, and you will lose your remote privileges for heaven knows how long.

6 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not call a friend for a suggestion. If you do, at best, the friend will want a report on the show. At worst, you will hate the show, and you can lie to your friend or turn a friend into an enemy.

5 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your in-laws are there, simply hand over the remote. If you don’t, at best, they’ll miss their favorite show and hate you forever. At worst, they might like your selection and decide to return on the nights that it is on since they can’t remember which channel to tune.

4 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your significant other wants to do something else, turn the set off. If you don’t, at best, you will be watching the show alone. At worst, you might be watching the show, which will be your only company for the long, cold winter.

3 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not rely on the network hype about the “best new show of the season.” If you do, you do, at best, you might waste a half hour. At worst, you might waste a whole night, depending on how many network hypes you follow.

2 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not think the DVR will help. If you do, at best, you may end up with a bunch of shows and no disk space. At worst, you may have recorded all the clinkers of the season and, while reviewing them, miss the best.

1 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not use any kind of gambling prop to help with the decision. If you do, at best, the odds of getting something you want to watch are the same as the odds against you. At worst, your prop will be no more favorable to you in selecting an excellent show to watch than it has been in delivering sure-thing winners.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have a Lousy Boss

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments
Photo by Harry Cunningham on Unsplash

 

This post ran on August 11th, 2014. I’m sure there are still lousy bosses out there. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have a Lousy Boss

10. If you have a lousy boss, do not try to curry favor. If you do, at best, your co-workers will shun you. At worst, the boss may think you are a big ass suck-up and have no respect for you whatsoever. ( Okay, so you are a big assed suck-up, Buford. Be more discrete.)

9. If you have a lousy boss, do not wish a cheery good morning. If you do, at best, the boss will think you are shallow. At worst, the boss will not appreciate your greeting since all days are bad in the boss’s opinion. (You might try a growl next time, Berry. It works for the boss’s wife.)

8. If you have a lousy boss, do not volunteer to plan an event. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed in the boss’s disapproval of how the event went. At worst, your permanent record will have an entry about poor planning skills. (The idea of serving mimosas at the coffee break went a little far, Buster.)

7. If you have a lousy boss, do not talk to the boss at company functions. If you do, at best, the boss with think you are sucking up. At worst, the boss will allow paranoid feelings to influence the decision to move you to the basement mop closet. (Try to stay on the other side of the room, Brent. If the boss wants you, he will waggle his finger.)

6. If you have a lousy boss, do not ask a question at meetings. If you do, at best, your co-workers will think you are sucking up. At worst, the boss will take your question as a personal attack on the company’s objectives and record this lack of loyalty for your next review. (If questions are needed to be asked, Jerry, the boss, will ask them.)

5. If you have a lousy boss, do not take normal coffee breaks. If you do, at best, the boss will think you are not motivated. At worst, the boss will assume you are leading a plot with your co-workers to undermine the boss’s authority. (Bring a Yeti cup from home, Warren. Who has to know it’s gin and tonic.”

4. If you have a lousy boss, do not get caught talking to the boss’s boss at a company function. If you do at best, the boss will allow the paranoid feeling to influence your next pay raise. At worst, the boss will have a private discussion with the boss’s boss on the need to develop a performance plan to get you back on track. (I know the boss’s boss called you over, Jess. You should have just passed out. It would have been easier in the long run.)

3. If you have a lousy boss, do not expect praise and reward for a well-done job. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed since the boss believes all good things are a result of excellent management of you. At worst, the boss will find out how disappointed you are and will make a note in your file about your weakness as a team player. (The only reward for a job well done is keeping the job, Hubert. Rewards are in heaven)

2. If you have a lousy boss, do not think the invitation to join a special team is an honor. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed to find out the boss just needed some folks to do extra work. At worst, you will learn the special team is being held accountable and chartered to correct some screw-ups done by another special team appointed by the boss.( The hint about the viability of the special team is that all the players are on probation, Randy. Welcome to the after-school detention center.)

1. If you have a lousy boss, do not feel comfortable going on vacation. If you do, at best, you may be interrupted by annoying phone calls. At worst, you will not be interrupted but will come back to find your job function has changed, with another forty hours of work added to your current load. (You’ve heard the boss say, “Vacation is for losers.” So ask yourself why are you surprised by the outcome, Frank?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Leave the House Without Money or ID.

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments
Photo by Two Paddles Axe and Leatherwork on Unsplash

 

This post was originally published on May 10, 2018, but it may still be relevant today. Of course, if you have transferred all your credit cards and access to cash to your phone, this old-timey post won’t mean much unless you forgot your phone. (Which would be like forgetting your arm.)

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This list was inspired by going to dinner and forgetting to put my wallet in my pocket. Although it sounds impossible, I very seldom need to leave the house (Yes, Mr. Hughes?), so I have lost the natural tendency to check to see if I have everything with me. Lucky for me, none of the consequences materialized.

10 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to pick up the dinner tab. If you do, at best, your partner will have you covered. At worst, you and your guests will experience kitchen cleanliness firsthand. (So you took your boss to dinner, Etu, and he forgot his wallet as well. It is a shame about his new suit and that ketchup accident.)

9 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to buy Tiny, the WWF champ, a drink when he has apparently had too much. If you do, at best, Tiny will forget the offer. At worst, Tiny has been drowning his sorrows at being told no one likes him in his self-esteem seminar. (Notice how his eyes lit up when you offered to pay for his drink, Eustachy? The bartender is waiting for the money, and Tiny’s eyes are beginning to detect you may renege. It might be time to leave fast.)

8 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, all the traffic patrol officers are in a meeting. At worst, explaining who you are and that you are licensed to driver may have to wait for the judge tomorrow. (You have to admit not being able to post bail has given you a brand new experience, Evans. I think that big guy over in the corner kind of likes you.)

7 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not unload your overstuffed grocery cart on the ten items or less conveyor belt. If you do, at best, the store will be un-crowded. At worst, you will have sixteen construction workers behind you who only have thirty minutes for lunch. (As the clerk calls for the manager, you can detect discontent behind you, Everley. It might be a good idea to sprint for the door while you can still sprint.)

6 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not take a number at the DMV. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses before long. At worst, you’ll wait the required number of hours until your number is called only to discover the missing items. (The only person who is happy with you now, Evin, is the person next to be called after you are told to step aside.)

5 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not enter the toll road. If you do, at best, a kindly motorist will pay your toll. At worst, the toll taker will exercise the right to have your car impounded. (No, the tow truck operator will not give you a ride home, Ethan. He will take your vehicle to the impound lot where, if you are lucky, no one will put another on top of yours.)

4 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not go through the drive-through at your favorite fast food restaurant. If you do, at best, you can say you’re sorry and move on. At worst, the store manager has been reprimanded for having high waste numbers and is now dialing the police. (Don’t be concerned with the honking patrons behind you, Eli. The manager is calling a SWAT team, claiming you are holding up the store. Time for a Dukes of Hazard getaway.)

3 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not get on that train to Yuma. If you do, at best, the conductor may miss you. At worst, you might find yourself standing in the middle of the tracks in a place with no name. (Are those vultures circling overhead, Ezra?)

2 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not try to get through the TSA inspection point at the airport. If you do, at best, you’ll be turned away. At worst, a picture of someone who looks like you just came across the international terrorist warning screen, and the guy looking at you wants a promotion. (You might as well put those hands in the air, Elliot. That air marshall doesn’t look like he is kidding with the order.)

1 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not attempt to make a withdrawal from your bank. If you do, at best, the clerk recognizes you. At worst, when asked for ID, you provide some excuse that causes the clerk to hit the silent alarm. (How does the cold marble floor feel, Everett? I think I would follow the suggestion and not move.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

This post ran on October 28th, 2019. I think it still may have some merit.

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Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended battery has failed. At worst, your reply will be a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make the right partner.)

9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny, the WWF champ, when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I would lie back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)

8 If you are texting, do not tell someone a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your server will be down. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental breakdown, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)

7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a lifelong enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face-to-face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)

6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this?” If you do, at best, you’ll say, “Great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite  pick.)

5 If you are texting, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient has turned off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)

4 If you are texting, do not ask, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)

3 If you are texting, do not ask where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)

2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)

1 If you are texting, don’t send a message that has drama around it, like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you hate. ( “I was out with Bill” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)