Ten Things Not to Do at the First Academy Awards in 1929

~ John W. Howell

First Oscars

 

This week marks the anniversary of the first Academy Awards which were held in 1928. Time to get your time travel suit on and attend the ceremony. If you are going, here is a list of the Top Ten Things Not to Do. Hopefully, it will keep you out of trouble and prevent a tear in the time continuum. Have a good time but be careful out there.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Academy Awards.

10 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not put on makeup in preparation for the filming of the even. If you do, at best folks will think you are a part-time clown. At worst, you’ll cause the host Douglass Fairbanks to ask security to escort you out. (Since the first filming of the awards did not happen until 1930, your makeup looks so out of place, Hanes the host thought you were wearing a mask.  There’s a lot of jewelry to be worried about.)

9 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not try to sneak in at the door guarded by Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny will gently bar your entrance. At worst, Tiny has been hoping to try his new clothesline punch on a live body. (Now that you feel like your head is missing, Hansel here is a ticket. Now pick yourself up and try another door.)

8 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not think you can arrive fashionably late. If you do, at best the hors d’oeuvres will be all gone. At worst, since the ceremony is only fifteen minutes long you may miss it. (After all the trouble to get here, Hargrove you would think you could arrive on time. Yeah sure your coordinates were off. That’s what they all say.)

7 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not mention to anyone that you hope Broadway Melody wins Best Picture. If you do, at best no one will listen to you. At worst, your time travel will be outed as Broadway melody was next year’s winner. (Now that you are in handcuffs, Harkin it is time to reflect on the quality of your research. BTW the winner is called Outstanding Picture. Best Picture was a change made years later.)

6 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not comment on the fact that there is no sound with the film clips. If you do, at best folks will think you are making a joke. At worst, people will begin to wonder why you think silent films are an oddity. (You see Warner Brothers just produced the first talkie,Harme, The Jazz Singer. No one is sure sound is here to stay. In any case time you got up to go. Here come the guards again.)

5 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not order Merlot with your dinner. If you do, at best the server will not understand you. At worst, the somilier will wonder how you heard of a wine that is not yet popular in the US. (You’ve done it again, Hasani. Talk fast and tell them you were clearing your throat before the guards arrive. Just ask for a glass of red wine and maybe the whole thing will blow over.)

4 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not ask for a doggy bag. If you do, at best the server will be confused. At worst, those around you will be so grossed out you’ll be left at the table alone. (It seems everyone misunderstood your request and thought they had been served dog food. Not sure you can correct this one in time, Hassel. Good luck. Here comes the chef. Yes, he has a fairly large knife.)

3 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not ask for an Irish Coffee after dinner. If you do, at best the server will ask you how to make it. At worst, along with your other strange habits, folks will believe you are from outer space. (I’m not sure, Havika. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for you to attend. Irish coffee wasn’t invented until the 1950’s. Also wearing that Apple watch has folks a little nervious.)

2 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not complain about the missing red carpet. If you do, at best folks will think you’re just odd. At worst as you start to explain the antics of film stars on the red carpet there will be a recognition of your strangeness. (Since the red carpet was introduced to the Academy Awards in 1961 in Santa Monica, is it any wonder people are slowly backing away from you, Hazen?)

1 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not roll up to the front door of the Roosevelt Hotel in your Delorian. If you do, at best you’ll cause the valet person wet pants. At worst, you’ll cause the rest of the guests to flee in panic. (All are sure you are an alien invasion, Heaton. You need to get home quick.)

61 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to Do at the First Academy Awards in 1929”

  2. Fifteen minutes long? Are you suggesting that there were no political or social justice tirades? How astounding! Loved your Back to the Future inference in #1. Have a great day! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Have a great day as well, Gwen. In those days actors and actresses pretty much kept their mouths shut and did what the studios told them to do. Reminds me of the Alfred Hitchcock comment when accused of calling actors cattle. “I never said actors were cattle. I said they should be treated like cattle.” 😄

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’d like to go back just to get them over with faster. I guess they weren’t giving the “Best Key Grip” award in those early years. Good list, John. Tiny is pretty good at time travel.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Boss,

    The opening monologue takes fifteen minutes these days, LOL.

    I think it would actually have been refreshing to watch the early years of the Academy Awards, if only because people would be there to talk about the industry rather than everything else.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The awards go further back than I thought. What a different feeling it must have been without TV allowing the public to attend.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. “Joan and Melissa Rivers, the inimitable mother-daughter duo who were hired by E! in the 90s to snarkily size up the red-carpet styles of Hollywood’s most imposing movie stars. Their spontaneity and deliciously catty catwalk digs revolutionized the carpet into its own interactive programming genre …” — Vanity Fair

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