Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When William Tell Shot the Apple Off His Son’s Head in 1307

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

This post continues the historical backdrop for the Top Ten Things Not to Do. November was the anniversary of William Tell purportedly shooting the apple off his son’s head in 1307. If you were there at the time, there are ten things that you should take care not to do. This post is from November 19, 2018.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When William Tell Shot the Apple Off His Son’s Head in 1307

10 At William Tell’s archery challenge, don’t sneeze at the critical moment when he takes aim. If you do, at best, William will bless you with a Gesundheit. At worst, your sneeze will throw him off, and you will be the next in line for the apple shot. (Lucky for you, he missed his son’s head, Flavien. Now it is your turn, and William looks very angry.)

9 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to stand in for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will eat your apple. At worst, Tiny, who just left his veterans-of-the-apple-shot near-miss support group, will be traumatized by the offer. (Tiny works out his trauma by doing body slams, Florian. I think you better start looking for a soft place to land.

8 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start humming the William Tell Overture. If you do, at best, someone will like the tune. At worst, you may be accused of being a warlock since Rossini did not write it until 1829. (A couple of dips in the dunking chair will help clear that music out of your head, Flavo. Can’t imagine why you would give in to an earworm anyway.)

7 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not fail to bow in respect to the hat that the newly appointed Austrian Vogt, Albrecht Gessler, has placed on a pole. If you do, at best, no one will see you not bow. At worst, you will be arrested for not doing the same thing William Tell did not do. ( I hope you know how to shoot a crossbow, Fonzo. It looks like you have to hit a crabapple off of Tiny’s head. If you miss, Tiny is going to be very upset. Especially if you hit him.)

6 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not wear your Austrians Suck t-shirt. If you do, at best, the Austrians will think you are joking. At worst, the Austrians will think you are a leader of the Swiss independence movement. (Now you’ve done it, Forseti. The next time you see daylight, it will be at your hanging. Enjoy the brief view.)

5 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not open a stand and begin selling Swiss chocolate. If you do, at best, the Austrians will like the chocolate. At worst, your chocolate will be declared contraband and you a revolutionary. ( I told you to stick with Speckknödel, Francesco. Now look at the fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into.)

4 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask William for his autograph. If you do, at best, he will blow you off. At worst, he might give you to the count of five to see if you can outrun a crossbow bolt. (Don’t forget, Frandscus, William just shot the apple off his son’s head. I don’t think he thinks of himself as a hero.)

3 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not offer William a contract to take his apple shooting show on the road. If you do, at best, William will be in a good mood and ignore you. At worst, William will sign the agreement with the understanding that you will have the apple on your head. (Well, a contract is a contract, Frannsaidh. Looks like you are signed up for a thirty-city tour or one depending.)

2 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start selling T-Shirts that say I’m the Apple of my Daddy’s Eye. If you do, at best, William won’t see them. At worst, William’s sense of humor will hit an all-time low, and your T-shirts will push him over the edge. (Looks like those shirts are going to make a nice bonfire, Franziskus.)

1 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start taking odds on whether William will hit the apple or his son. If you do, at best, no one will tell him. At worst, William will find out about your activities and come looking for you. (I would stay under that table, Frazier. I don’t think you want to explain yourself right now.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments
Photo by Emily Adams on Unsplash

This post continues the Top Ten Not-to-Do list with historical background. Scholars widely assert that November 25 is the anniversary of the beginning of the great flood in 2348 BC. Pretend you were there, and here is a list that will keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

10 In the time of the great flood, do not mock Noah’s boat building so far from water. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, after forty days and nights of rain, you’ll wish you never had. (Good luck on treading water for a few months, Gregory. Those boat jokes seem a little lame now, don’t they?)

9 In the time of the great flood, do not offer Tiny the WWF champ some help with that rhinoceros. If you do, at best, he’ll pass on the assist. At worst, Tiny, who has just finished his group session on self-esteem, will believe you think he can’t load that snorting beast into the Ark. (Now you have to worry about a loose rhinoceros and soothing Tiny’s feelings, Giovanni. I think the rhino might be an easier task.)

7 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah about who is playing in the show lounge. If you do, at best, Noah will think you are joking. At worst, Noah will realize you think the whole boat thingy is a Carnival cruise. (I suppose you should feel grateful Noah allows you to ride in the dinghy, Graham. He could have just tossed you overboard.)

6 In the time of the great flood, do not start singing the Unicorn Song. If you do, at best, Noah will think it cute. At worst, since Noah couldn’t get the unicorns on board, he’ll feel bad. (Don’t forget Noah is 600 years old, Gilbert. He probably never heard of the Irish Rovers, and now you are in the brig on bread and water.)

5 In the time of the great flood, do not smack a pesky mosquito. If you do, at best it will recover. At worst, you just killed one of the two on board. (Although it seems like you did humanity a service, Gustavo, Noah is going to be plenty pissed since he was supposed to have two of everything. I would lay low if I were you.)

4 In the time of the great flood, do not try to bring more than one carry-on bag on the Ark. If you do, at best, the second bag will be floating. At worst, you’ll be caught, and Captain Noah will allow the bags to ride but toss you off. ( I don’t think the punishment is too harsh, Gustavo. What if every being brought two suitcases?)

3 In the time of the great flood, do not try to water ski off the back of the Ark. If you do, at best, you won’t lose your grip on the rope. At worst, the Ark is not going fast enough, and you’ll sink like a stone. (It doesn’t do much good to signal for help, Gerard. That giraffe has no idea what you mean.)

2 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah for a turn at the tiller. If you do, at best, he will turn you down flat. At worst, he will give you a spin. ( The fact that you don’t know North from South is not going to play well here, Gabe. Luckily, the mountain tops are fourteen cubits under the water. What’s a cubit, you ask? Go look it up.)

1 In the time of the great flood, when Noah asks you to release a dove, do not release that duck. If you do, at best, the duck will come back. At worst, the duck will be able to float, so there is no need to return to the Ark. (Noah is now asking you how to determine whether the waters have receded. “Wait until you see land” is not the answer he is looking for, Gideon. Those water wings should help keep you up until you sight land. By the way, that shark following you has not eaten for a couple of weeks.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.

~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

November marks the 38th anniversary of Microsoft Windows 1.0’s launch in 1981. Most of us were around for this event but probably didn’t pay attention to it when it happened. So let’s go back now that we know what Windows became and view the historic occasion. I have made a list of the Top Ten things not to do as we take a time trip. We wouldn’t want to disrupt the time continuum. This post first ran on November 19, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.

10 If you go to the launch, do not ask to see the view from the windows. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, Bill Gates will call security since you obviously don’t belong here. (Now you’ve done it, Jody. You’ve drawn attention to yourself by cracking the most inane joke of the day. Here come the guards. Might be time to leave.)

9 If you go to the launch, do not try to take the mouse from Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will finish playing Pong and give it to you. At worst, Tiny, who hasn’t attended his sharing group session for three weeks, just isn’t in the mood to give up the mouse. (You can do one of two things, Johann. 1. Walk away. 2. Find out what it is like to be slammed to the floor and held down for the count of three. Yeah, walking is a good choice.)

8 If you go to the launch, do not ask how to get on the web. If you do, at best, folks will think you a strange lover of spiders. At worst, you’ll try to explain the worldwide web when public access is ten years away. (Some of the people think you are brilliant, Johnn. Most think you are totally nuts. I think it might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the launch, do not ask about Microsoft Word. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, Bill Gates will become apoplectic since Word is a top-secret project scheduled for launch in 1983. (Those big guys making their way toward you, Jonn, are Gates security men, and they want to have a talk with you. They are thinking of rubber hoses and a water tank. Good luck with that.)

6 If you go to the launch, do not sing the song Cherish by Kool & the Gang thinking you’ll fit in. If you do, at best you’ll have a good voice. At worst, since the song did not become popular until 1985, a Hollywood type wants to sign you to a recording contract. ( So what are you going to do now, Jordain? We have a serious continuum tear possibility here, if you accept that $100,000 advance.)

5 If you go to the launch, do not discuss the sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you do, at best, you can always say you were kidding. At worst, people will get the idea that you are not from around there. (There are so many scientists here that you may not be able to explain your time-travel situation, Jordy. Best to hit the way back button)

4 If you go to the launch, do not ask Bill Gates’ date if she would like a ride in your Volkswagen Vanagon. If you do, at best, she’ll ignore you. At worst, she will think you are a nutcase. (You see, you may think the Vanagon is cool, Jorg, but in the day there was a definite hippie vibe around it. It looks like Bill has a problem with the freestyle kind of life. Yes, those are police.)

3 If you go to the launch, do not order a Bud Light at the bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will be confused, and you can say, Miller Lite. At worst, since Bud Light was introduced a year later, suspicions will rise. (Most have been looking at you with some skepticism, Jorian; this might be the last straw. Yes, the police have been called.)

2 If you go to the launch, do not pull out a package of Nerds candy. If you do, at best, folks will like them. At worst, someone will ask where to buy Nerds. (Nerds were introduced in 1983, so you may have some trouble telling folks where to get them, Jory. Just tell them these are imported from England. Worked for Skittles.)

1 If you go to the launch, do not wear your Apple Watch. If you do, at best, people will think it’s a toy. At worst, Bill Gates will want one. (How are you going to convince Steve Jobs to make one for Bill, huh, Joselito? I think you are in a real pickle

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Photo Credit: Science Source/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY

This week marks the anniversary of the first successful parachute descent made by André-Jacques Garnerin, who jumped from a balloon at some 2,200 feet over Paris in 1797. This post ran first on October 21, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

10. If you go to the jump, do not ask André-Jacques if you can go tandem. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh you off. At worst, he will think you are trying to steal his thunder. (That glove slap to the face means you better start practicing your swordsmanship, Jarl. Of course, you could pray he forgets about it. Likely? Not.)

9 If you go to the jump, do not try to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you can take over holding his balloon tie-down ropes. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t understand your request. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last seven anger management group sessions, will not give you the rope without a fight. (You better worry about that rope around your ankle, Jarrad. Your weight isn’t enough to keep the balloon on the ground. So as you dangle from one leg at 2000 feet, you might contemplate this. Does Tiny really know how to tie a knot that holds?)

8 If you go to the jump, do not start taking bets on whether or not old André-Jacques will make it. If you do, at best, André-Jacques will not find out about it. At worst, André-Jacques’ brother will bet he won’t. (Now you’ve caused a family incident, Jarran. Here comes André-Jacques now. I see he has a glove in his hand. Might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the jump, do not offer to pack André-Jacques’ chute. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he’ll let you do it. (Funny how that thing looked like a trail of smoke when he let go of the balloon, Jarrell. The sad thing is, it never opened. Oh, well, there is always next time.)

6 If you go to the jump, do not ask André-Jacques to unfold your sweetheart proposal flag on the way down. If you do, at best, he’ll say no. At worst, he’ll agree. (Just your luck, Jase. At least four women in the spectator area are named Noelle. Good luck on the breach of promise lawsuits, not to mention the father’s blunderbusses)

5 If you go to the jump, do not ask the André-Jacques if he knows the color of his balloon. If you do, at best. he will be too busy to answer. At worst, he’ll think you are making a joke about his balloon. (As you may know, Jaspar, Frenchmen don’t take American jokes lightly. I don’t think he gets this one for sure.)

4 If you go to the jump, do not try to get André-Jacques to yell Geronimo when he jumps out of the balloon. If you do, at best, he’ll have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, he’ll think you are joking, too, Jaxon. Don’t look now, but that guy in the top hat is the second coming to ask which weapon you would like to use. Here’s a hint. Tell him death by pillows.)

3 If you go to the jump, do not suggest that André-Jacques should have his parachute made out of silk by Hermes. If you do, at best, he will assume you don’t know what you are talking about. At worst, he will place an order for the parachute. ( Now you are in a pickle, Jaydee. You didn’t know Hermes was founded in 1837. How will you deliver a parachute tomorrow when the manufacturer won’t be in business for 40 years? You got any silkworms?)

2. If you go to the jump, do not ask André-Jacques to wear your Go Lafayette sweatshirt for the stunt. If you do, at best, he’ll decline. At worst, he will accept your gift. (Given the angst around supporting the American Revolution, that shirt could cause a definite crowd reaction, Jayme. I’m not talking positive either. Can you say Guillotine?)

1 If you go to the jump, do not ask for an order of French fries at the local food tent. If you do, at best, you’ll get a thicker, fried potato. At worst, the order taker won’t understand you and will alert the chef. (Here we go, Jayson. You got the big guy with the butcher knife all hot and bothered. I would hit the road if I were you.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments
Photo by Donghun Shin on Unsplash

 

Yes, this week marks the anniversary of George Washington laying the White House cornerstone in 1792. I’m sure you want to be there, but before you go, take this list and avoid making social or time-travel mistakes. The original post was run on October 14, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

10 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not think the silver trowel is a souvenir. If you do, at best, a kindly George Washington will ask you to put it back. At worst, the Navy men in attendance who are also celebrating the founding of the Navy will help you put it back. (It seems as if those Navy boys have had a little too much rum, Jakome. They are serious about your yardarm swing.)

9 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat. If you do, at best, he will find another. At worst, Tiny, who missed his Anger Management support group that morning, will not be able to control himself. (If you can hold on for another minute, Jalen, Tiny will grow tired of spinning you around above his head. Of course, your landing after that helicopter experience might be a little rough.)

8 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not carry a sign that says, “Federalists Suck.” If you do, at best, the Federalists will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you don’t support the Constitution. ( You’ve done it now, Jamael. You have all those burly revolutionary veterans ready to run you out of town. )

7 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Alexander Hamilton for tickets to his show. If you do, at best, he’ll wonder, “What show?” At worst, he’ll have Aaron Burr meet you at dawn. ( Do not go through with the duel, Jamison. That guy knows his way around a flintlock. I’ll bet you have much to learn.)

6 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Washington what he thinks of “the wall.” If you do, at best, he’ll talk about clearing rocks out of the fields at Mount Vernon. At worst, when you describe what you are asking, he will have you committed. (You knew that was a non-subject, Jamshid. Gotta wonder why you would go there?)

5 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not expect to find a Starbucks right next door. If you do, at best, you can handle disappointment. At worst, your caffeine cravings will get the best of you. (There was no reason to yell at that sweet old lady when she couldn’t tell you where the nearest Starbucks was, Jantzen. Now you have that big soldier over there looking crossly at you.)

4 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask for directions to the Washington monument. If you do, at best, someone will point to George. At worst, whoever you ask will begin to suspect you are not from around there. (Since the monument wasn’t started until 1848, Janyd, you’ll gather a crowd who may not like your time-travel story.)

3 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask about the Secret Service protecting the President. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, they might ask why you think the President needs protecting. (Since the Secret Service wasn’t established until 1865, Japhet, those police officers will wonder why you are so concerned. Maybe time to leave.)

2 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask the architect why he forgot a fence? If you do, at best he’ll tell you there is no need since the President doesn’t keep cows. At worst, the idea will get passed around, and someone will suggest one be put in. (In effect, you caused a time tear, Jarah, since Thomas Jefferson helped build one in 1801)

1 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not offer to help carry the stone. If you do, at best, it will arrive in one piece. At worst, it was a little heavier than you thought, and now it is lying in two chunks on the ground. (Yeah, I would say it is time to run, not walk, to the time machine, Jari. I think your work is done here, and about 200 folks would love to wring your neck.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of an American Football Game.

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments
Image – Wikipedia – Backyard Brawl 1908

This week marks the anniversary of the first live radio broadcast of a football game in 1921. The game was played at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh. Harold W. Arlin of radio station KDKA announced the game. The University of Pittsburgh Panthers beat the West Virginia University Mountaineers 21 to 13. (Not much has changed there. This rivalry began in 1895, and so far, the University of Pittsburgh has won the meeting more times than West Virginia University. It is called the Back Yard Brawl because the two schools are only 70 miles apart.) I think we ought to go to the game rather than listen on the radio. Well, bring the radio along too. It might be fun to see how close the announcer’s description is to the real action. As usual, there are rules to follow, so we don’t create a tear in the time continuum. Take this list with you. This list first ran on October 7, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of an American Football Game.

10 If you are at the game, do not think you can listen to the broadcast on streaming audio via Spotify. If you do, at best, those around you will be too interested in the game to notice your cell phone. At worst, the usher will spot your phone and ask you to follow him. (For heaven’s sake, Jacquez, don’t go. You really want to explain that you are from the year 2026? They’ll have a padded room reserved for you.)

9 If you are at the game, do not tell Tiny the WWF Champ and hot dog vendor that his hot dogs are old. If you do, at best, he will think you said “cold” and laugh at the joke. At worst, Tiny, who just left his self-esteem support group, will think you are criticizing him. (No matter what you say, Jad, you are in for an overhead pinwheel and body toss just as if you were in the ring. The landing on the bleachers, however, won’t be as soft.)

8 If you are at the game, do not wear your Mountaineer coon-skin cap while sitting in the Pitt section. If you do, at best, a kindly person behind you will ask you to remove it. At worst, a not-so-kindly person behind you will remove it. (There you have it, Jadrein. Your hat is back and filled with who knows what liquid. No, don’t drink out of your hat, you idiot. You have no idea what that is, even though it looks like beer.)

7 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the fans to burn a sofa when they get home to Morgantown. If you do, at best, WVU is ahead at the time. At worst, the fan will think you are a Pitt fan. (You see, Jael, WVU fans only burn sofas when they win. That big guy with the red eyes and WVU shirt thinks you are mocking him.)

6 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the Pitt fans that the game be played next year in Morgantown. If you do, at best, they will laugh at your joke. At worst, they will think you are a WVU fan. (The first game of the rivalry was not played in Morgantown until 1963. Is it any wonder these Pitt fans are now crowd surfing you to the exit, Jafari?)

5 If you are at the game, do not bring your Mountaineer musket into the stands. If you do, at best, most of the fans will clear out. At worst, you will come face to face with several Pitt fans all dressed as panthers. (What are you going to do now, Jagmeet? The way they are growling, they seem to be serious.)

4 If you are at the game, do not tease Roc the panther. If you do, at best, Roc will be used to it. At worst, Roc has made up his mind to bite the twelfth person who teases him. (Not-so-good news, Jahi. The eleventh just left.)

3 If you are at the game, do not sing the WVU fight song if you don’t know the words. If you do, at best, the noise will drown you out. At worst, your fellow WVU fans will realize you are different. ( Lucky for you, Jahnu, you now get to see the game from the parking lot.)

2 If you are at the game, do not try to find a plug for that old Philco radio. If you do, at best, you burn a lot of calories. At worst, someone will eventually come to believe you stole the radio. (Hauling it up and down the stadium stairs made you look very much out of place, Jair. Maybe you should just park it in the clubhouse. Wait, there’s a plug.)

1 If you are at the game, do not start quoting stats of the various players. If you do, at best, people will move away from you. At worst, they will think you are from a different planet. (In the 20s, hardly anyone paid attention to the stats, Jaison. It was a matter of win or lose. All those yards gained rushing and passing, as well as turnovers, were blurred by actually watching the game instead of a talking head.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783.

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments
Image by susannp4 from Pixabay

 

This week marks the anniversary of the first hot air balloon launch in Versailles, France, in 1783. Since this was the beginning of man’s desire to fly, you must go. Please take this list with you to avoid an incident with the French (challenging to do) or a time-continuum disruption that could be catastrophic. This post was first run on September 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783.

10 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not try to buy a ticket. If you do, at best, they’ll tell you no. At worst, the head guy will inform you this trip is for animals only. (Do not give in to the temptation to moo like a cow, Javier. The first animals on the trip were a sheep, a rooster, and a duck.)

9 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for a selfie with you. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny, who just left his anti-witchcraft support group, will think you are trying to take his soul. (I’m not saying Tiny is superstitious, but I’m not sure that phone is going to survive a foot stomp and water bath, Jagger. Also, Tiny has the same thing in mind for you.)

8 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not attempt to communicate in French. If you do, at best, no one will acknowledge that they understand you. At worst, you will give yourself away with your obnoxious American accent. (Now you’ve done it, Jessie. These folks will want to know how you got here and why your damn revolution started in the first place. Please don’t say, “Je ne sais pas.” You’ll just make it worse.

7 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not admire the Palace of Versailles in front of the mob. If you do, at best, most will not hear you. At worst, you happen to make your comments to Robespierre and his friends. (If you recall, the French Revolution began in 1789, just five years from now. These Robespierre heavies look like bad hombres. Let’s just hope you are back home in 1789.)

6 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make jokes about where the French get all their hot air. If you do, at best, you’ll get a couple of laughs. At worst, the guys in charge of heating the air will put you on wood-chopping duty. (You have to admit it, Joaquin. Life was more comfortable before all the hot air jokes. That ten-pound ax sure gets its name, honestly, huh?)

5 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not order a waffle from the breakfast cafe. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are saying. At worst, the cafe owner will be horrified and call the gendarmes. (You see, Jimmy, when you ordered a gaufre (or waffle in French), your accent was so bad the owner thought you had requested a gopher. Either way, anything but bread and coffee is considered uncivilized.)

4 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask the balloon owner how much he paid for the balloon. If you do, at best, he will walk away. At worst, he will take you for an ugly American and tell you to mind your business. (Then the crowd will wonder who you are, Johnny, and will start to figure out you are an alien. Time to hit the Wayback Machine.)

3 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make comments about the snails being served for lunch. If you do, at best, someone will take yours. At worst, those in attendance will wonder where you are from and how come you have not been raised right. (Couple that with your accent, Jonas and you might earn a ticket to the guillotine testing facility.)

2 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not do a lot of smiling at people. If you do, at best, some will think you have gas. At worst, most of the French will assume you are an ax murderer. (Yeah, the French don’t smile much at strangers, Julien. You are making them uncomfortable, a feeling they will want to reciprocate.)

1 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not comment on the inclement weather. If you do, at best, you’ll get a “what’s new” shrug. At worst, several folks you meet will ask you to do something about it. (This is a new one, Jim. I hope you are prepared to produce miracles.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments
Image by nakataza02 from Pixabay

This post was published on September 9th, 2019. Since we still take elevators, I think it might be useful

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best, you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)

9 If you are in an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny is busy worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)

8 If you are in an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire State building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water. How about you?)

7 If you are in an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best, everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (The report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)

6 If you are in an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best, everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)

5 If you are in an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best, one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)

4 If you are in an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best, everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you.  At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)

3 If you are in an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best, they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)

2 If you are in an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best, everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)

1 If you are in an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best, you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments
Photo by Jon Tyson Unsplash

 

Since August marks the anniversary of the first income tax’s establishment in 1861, I thought it would be fun to travel back and take in the atmosphere of what must have been an eventful time. The income tax was established to pay for the Civil War. Of course, we must follow some time-travel rules, so here is a list to help keep us from creating a time disruption or tear in the continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

10 On the first tax day, do not try to find an H&R Block office for relief. If you do, at best, it will be an ice supply house. At worst, you will raise so much concern from those you ask that they will point you out to the tax collector. (The belief that you are trying to avoid your tax obligation is what ended up with you behind bars, Issac. Just tell them you made a mistake and intend to pay, and maybe they’ll let you go.)

9 On the first tax day, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he can’t come in to assess your net worth. If you do, at best, he will come in anyway. At worst, Tiny, who just left his rejection support group meeting, will reduce the place to sawdust. (The upside to Tiny’s visit, Iulio, is you have no assets and therefore don’t owe any tax. Let’s not talk of the downside.)

8 On the first tax day, do not try to deduct your stay and meals as a business expense. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the room. At worst, the tax collector will call the Marshall, and you’ll be labeled as the first tax fraud case in the US. (The first tax was a 3% flat rate over 800 dollars ($13,000 today) of income, Iwdael. There are no deductions. Now tell the man you are sorry and cough up the money.)

7 On the first Tax day, do not carry your “No Taxation Without Representation,” protest sign. If you do, at best, no one will be able to read. At worst, you will be invited to spend the night at the Hoosegow Hotel. (These new revenuers have no sense of humor, Izeyah. I wouldn’t press my luck any further.)

6 On the first tax day, do not try to pay for your tax with corn. If you do, at best, the agent will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you are trying to evade your taxes. (You have to admit, Izreal trying to unload 100 bushels of corn in the tax office looks a little suspicious. You’ll find a broom and shovel in the corner. Best to clean up the mess before you leave.)

5 On the first tax day, do not try to convince the tax collector that you are part of the 97% of the population that does not earn 800 dollars a year. If you do, at best the collector will respect your attempt at avoiding the tax. At worst, the collector just declared to his staff that the next person who tries to lie about their income will be shot. (I think you’d better cough up the tax quickly, Ian. That collector is resting his hand on a very big six-shooter.)

4 On the first Tax day, do not show up in your most elegant clothes on the best horse. If you do, at best, the collector won’t notice. At worst, since your clothes and horse are better than the collector’s, your bill will be higher than it should be. (At this stage, Ibrahim, you might as well just pay it. Why you didn’t think to wear those old shoes and overalls is beyond me. You could have parked your horse down the street too.)

3 On the first tax day, do not try to dazzle the tax collector with stacks of paperwork proving your lack of income. If you do, at best, they’ll ignore you. At worst, the agent will assume you are up to something illegal and double your tax assessment. (It would have been better just to tell them the truth, Igore. After all, 3% is not a lot to pay.)

2 On the first tax day, do not put in an application to join the IRS. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give away your time traveler status since the IRS wasn’t established until 1862. (Well, easy come, easy go, Ishmael. It is now time to hit the bricks and get back to your own timezone. Otherwise, you might be spending a lot of time in a very damp and chilly place.)

1 On the first tax day, do not think you can tell the tax collector to send you a bill. If you do, at best, the collector will share a laugh with you. At worst, the collector will take measures to collect the tax today. ( That big guy in the corner is the enforcer, Ignatius. His job is to extract the payment right now. He has been known to hold some by their ankles until the money falls to the floor. Just save us all the misery and pay the bill.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Labor Day

 

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

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In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.