Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

October 12, 2026October 11, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

Yes, this week marks the anniversary of George Washington laying the White House cornerstone in 1792. I’m sure you want to be there, but before you go, take this list and avoid making social or time-travel mistakes. The original post was run on October 14, 2019.

10 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not think the silver trowel is a souvenir. If you do, at best, a kindly George Washington will ask you to put it back. At worst, the Navy men in attendance who are also celebrating the founding of the Navy will help you put it back. (It seems as if those Navy boys have had a little too much rum, Jakome. They are serious about your yardarm swing.)

9 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat. If you do, at best, he will find another. At worst, Tiny, who missed his Anger Management support group that morning, will not be able to control himself. (If you can hold on for another minute, Jalen, Tiny will grow tired of spinning you around above his head. Of course, your landing after that helicopter experience might be a little rough.)

8 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not carry a sign that says, “Federalists Suck.” If you do, at best, the Federalists will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you don’t support the Constitution. ( You’ve done it now, Jamael. You have all those burly revolutionary veterans ready to run you out of town. )

7 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Alexander Hamilton for tickets to his show. If you do, at best, he’ll wonder, “What show?” At worst, he’ll have Aaron Burr meet you at dawn. ( Do not go through with the duel, Jamison. That guy knows his way around a flintlock. I’ll bet you have much to learn.)

6 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Washington what he thinks of “the wall.” If you do, at best, he’ll talk about clearing rocks out of the fields at Mount Vernon. At worst, when you describe what you are asking, he will have you committed. (You knew that was a non-subject, Jamshid. Gotta wonder why you would go there?)

5 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not expect to find a Starbucks right next door. If you do, at best, you can handle disappointment. At worst, your caffeine cravings will get the best of you. (There was no reason to yell at that sweet old lady when she couldn’t tell you where the nearest Starbucks was, Jantzen. Now you have that big soldier over there looking crossly at you.)

4 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask for directions to the Washington monument. If you do, at best, someone will point to George. At worst, whoever you ask will begin to suspect you are not from around there. (Since the monument wasn’t started until 1848, Janyd, you’ll gather a crowd who may not like your time-travel story.)

3 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask about the Secret Service protecting the President. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, they might ask why you think the President needs protecting. (Since the Secret Service wasn’t established until 1865, Japhet, those police officers will wonder why you are so concerned. Maybe time to leave.)

2 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask the architect why he forgot a fence? If you do, at best he’ll tell you there is no need since the President doesn’t keep cows. At worst, the idea will get passed around, and someone will suggest one be put in. (In effect, you caused a time tear, Jarah, since Thomas Jefferson helped build one in 1801)

1 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not offer to help carry the stone. If you do, at best, it will arrive in one piece. At worst, it was a little heavier than you thought, and now it is lying in two chunks on the ground. (Yeah, I would say it is time to run, not walk, to the time machine, Jari. I think your work is done here, and about 200 folks would love to wring your neck.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of an American Football Game.

October 5, 2026October 4, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the first live radio broadcast of a football game in 1921. The game was played at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh. Harold W. Arlin of radio station KDKA announced the game. The University of Pittsburgh Panthers beat the West Virginia University Mountaineers 21 to 13. (Not much has changed there. This rivalry began in 1895, and so far, the University of Pittsburgh has won the meeting more times than West Virginia University. It is called the Back Yard Brawl because the two schools are only 70 miles apart.) I think we ought to go to the game rather than listen on the radio. Well, bring the radio along too. It might be fun to see how close the announcer’s description is to the real action. As usual, there are rules to follow, so we don’t create a tear in the time continuum. Take this list with you. This list first ran on October 7, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of an American Football Game.

10 If you are at the game, do not think you can listen to the broadcast on streaming audio via Spotify. If you do, at best, those around you will be too interested in the game to notice your cell phone. At worst, the usher will spot your phone and ask you to follow him. (For heaven’s sake, Jacquez, don’t go. You really want to explain that you are from the year 2026? They’ll have a padded room reserved for you.)

9 If you are at the game, do not tell Tiny the WWF Champ and hot dog vendor that his hot dogs are old. If you do, at best, he will think you said “cold” and laugh at the joke. At worst, Tiny, who just left his self-esteem support group, will think you are criticizing him. (No matter what you say, Jad, you are in for an overhead pinwheel and body toss just as if you were in the ring. The landing on the bleachers, however, won’t be as soft.)

8 If you are at the game, do not wear your Mountaineer coon-skin cap while sitting in the Pitt section. If you do, at best, a kindly person behind you will ask you to remove it. At worst, a not-so-kindly person behind you will remove it. (There you have it, Jadrein. Your hat is back and filled with who knows what liquid. No, don’t drink out of your hat, you idiot. You have no idea what that is, even though it looks like beer.)

7 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the fans to burn a sofa when they get home to Morgantown. If you do, at best, WVU is ahead at the time. At worst, the fan will think you are a Pitt fan. (You see, Jael, WVU fans only burn sofas when they win. That big guy with the red eyes and WVU shirt thinks you are mocking him.)

6 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the Pitt fans that the game be played next year in Morgantown. If you do, at best, they will laugh at your joke. At worst, they will think you are a WVU fan. (The first game of the rivalry was not played in Morgantown until 1963. Is it any wonder these Pitt fans are now crowd surfing you to the exit, Jafari?)

5 If you are at the game, do not bring your Mountaineer musket into the stands. If you do, at best, most of the fans will clear out. At worst, you will come face to face with several Pitt fans all dressed as panthers. (What are you going to do now, Jagmeet? The way they are growling, they seem to be serious.)

4 If you are at the game, do not tease Roc the panther. If you do, at best, Roc will be used to it. At worst, Roc has made up his mind to bite the twelfth person who teases him. (Not-so-good news, Jahi. The eleventh just left.)

3 If you are at the game, do not sing the WVU fight song if you don’t know the words. If you do, at best, the noise will drown you out. At worst, your fellow WVU fans will realize you are different. ( Lucky for you, Jahnu, you now get to see the game from the parking lot.)

2 If you are at the game, do not try to find a plug for that old Philco radio. If you do, at best, you burn a lot of calories. At worst, someone will eventually come to believe you stole the radio. (Hauling it up and down the stadium stairs made you look very much out of place, Jair. Maybe you should just park it in the clubhouse. Wait, there’s a plug.)

1 If you are at the game, do not start quoting stats of the various players. If you do, at best, people will move away from you. At worst, they will think you are from a different planet. (In the 20s, hardly anyone paid attention to the stats, Jaison. It was a matter of win or lose. All those yards gained rushing and passing, as well as turnovers, were blurred by actually watching the game instead of a talking head.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783.

September 28, 2026September 27, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the first hot air balloon launch in Versailles, France, in 1783. Since this was the beginning of man’s desire to fly, you must go. Please take this list with you to avoid an incident with the French (challenging to do) or a time-continuum disruption that could be catastrophic. This post was first run on September 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783.

10 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not try to buy a ticket. If you do, at best, they’ll tell you no. At worst, the head guy will inform you this trip is for animals only. (Do not give in to the temptation to moo like a cow, Javier. The first animals on the trip were a sheep, a rooster, and a duck.)

9 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for a selfie with you. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny, who just left his anti-witchcraft support group, will think you are trying to take his soul. (I’m not saying Tiny is superstitious, but I’m not sure that phone is going to survive a foot stomp and water bath, Jagger. Also, Tiny has the same thing in mind for you.)

8 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not attempt to communicate in French. If you do, at best, no one will acknowledge that they understand you. At worst, you will give yourself away with your obnoxious American accent. (Now you’ve done it, Jessie. These folks will want to know how you got here and why your damn revolution started in the first place. Please don’t say, “Je ne sais pas.” You’ll just make it worse.

7 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not admire the Palace of Versailles in front of the mob. If you do, at best, most will not hear you. At worst, you happen to make your comments to Robespierre and his friends. (If you recall, the French Revolution began in 1789, just five years from now. These Robespierre heavies look like bad hombres. Let’s just hope you are back home in 1789.)

6 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make jokes about where the French get all their hot air. If you do, at best, you’ll get a couple of laughs. At worst, the guys in charge of heating the air will put you on wood-chopping duty. (You have to admit it, Joaquin. Life was more comfortable before all the hot air jokes. That ten-pound ax sure gets its name, honestly, huh?)

5 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not order a waffle from the breakfast cafe. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are saying. At worst, the cafe owner will be horrified and call the gendarmes. (You see, Jimmy, when you ordered a gaufre (or waffle in French), your accent was so bad the owner thought you had requested a gopher. Either way, anything but bread and coffee is considered uncivilized.)

4 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask the balloon owner how much he paid for the balloon. If you do, at best, he will walk away. At worst, he will take you for an ugly American and tell you to mind your business. (Then the crowd will wonder who you are, Johnny, and will start to figure out you are an alien. Time to hit the Wayback Machine.)

3 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make comments about the snails being served for lunch. If you do, at best, someone will take yours. At worst, those in attendance will wonder where you are from and how come you have not been raised right. (Couple that with your accent, Jonas and you might earn a ticket to the guillotine testing facility.)

2 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not do a lot of smiling at people. If you do, at best, some will think you have gas. At worst, most of the French will assume you are an ax murderer. (Yeah, the French don’t smile much at strangers, Julien. You are making them uncomfortable, a feeling they will want to reciprocate.)

1 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not comment on the inclement weather. If you do, at best, you’ll get a “what’s new” shrug. At worst, several folks you meet will ask you to do something about it. (This is a new one, Jim. I hope you are prepared to produce miracles.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

September 21, 2026September 20, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

This post was published on September 9th, 2019. Since we still take elevators, I think it might be useful

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best, you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)

9 If you are in an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny is busy worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)

8 If you are in an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire State building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water. How about you?)

7 If you are in an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best, everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (The report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)

6 If you are in an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best, everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)

5 If you are in an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best, one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)

4 If you are in an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best, everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you. At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)

3 If you are in an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best, they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)

2 If you are in an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best, everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)

1 If you are in an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best, you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

September 14, 2026September 13, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Since August marks the anniversary of the first income tax’s establishment in 1861, I thought it would be fun to travel back and take in the atmosphere of what must have been an eventful time. The income tax was established to pay for the Civil War. Of course, we must follow some time-travel rules, so here is a list to help keep us from creating a time disruption or tear in the continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

10 On the first tax day, do not try to find an H&R Block office for relief. If you do, at best, it will be an ice supply house. At worst, you will raise so much concern from those you ask that they will point you out to the tax collector. (The belief that you are trying to avoid your tax obligation is what ended up with you behind bars, Issac. Just tell them you made a mistake and intend to pay, and maybe they’ll let you go.)

9 On the first tax day, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he can’t come in to assess your net worth. If you do, at best, he will come in anyway. At worst, Tiny, who just left his rejection support group meeting, will reduce the place to sawdust. (The upside to Tiny’s visit, Iulio, is you have no assets and therefore don’t owe any tax. Let’s not talk of the downside.)

8 On the first tax day, do not try to deduct your stay and meals as a business expense. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the room. At worst, the tax collector will call the Marshall, and you’ll be labeled as the first tax fraud case in the US. (The first tax was a 3% flat rate over 800 dollars ($13,000 today) of income, Iwdael. There are no deductions. Now tell the man you are sorry and cough up the money.)

7 On the first Tax day, do not carry your “No Taxation Without Representation,” protest sign. If you do, at best, no one will be able to read. At worst, you will be invited to spend the night at the Hoosegow Hotel. (These new revenuers have no sense of humor, Izeyah. I wouldn’t press my luck any further.)

6 On the first tax day, do not try to pay for your tax with corn. If you do, at best, the agent will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you are trying to evade your taxes. (You have to admit, Izreal trying to unload 100 bushels of corn in the tax office looks a little suspicious. You’ll find a broom and shovel in the corner. Best to clean up the mess before you leave.)

5 On the first tax day, do not try to convince the tax collector that you are part of the 97% of the population that does not earn 800 dollars a year. If you do, at best the collector will respect your attempt at avoiding the tax. At worst, the collector just declared to his staff that the next person who tries to lie about their income will be shot. (I think you’d better cough up the tax quickly, Ian. That collector is resting his hand on a very big six-shooter.)

4 On the first Tax day, do not show up in your most elegant clothes on the best horse. If you do, at best, the collector won’t notice. At worst, since your clothes and horse are better than the collector’s, your bill will be higher than it should be. (At this stage, Ibrahim, you might as well just pay it. Why you didn’t think to wear those old shoes and overalls is beyond me. You could have parked your horse down the street too.)

3 On the first tax day, do not try to dazzle the tax collector with stacks of paperwork proving your lack of income. If you do, at best, they’ll ignore you. At worst, the agent will assume you are up to something illegal and double your tax assessment. (It would have been better just to tell them the truth, Igore. After all, 3% is not a lot to pay.)

2 On the first tax day, do not put in an application to join the IRS. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give away your time traveler status since the IRS wasn’t established until 1862. (Well, easy come, easy go, Ishmael. It is now time to hit the bricks and get back to your own timezone. Otherwise, you might be spending a lot of time in a very damp and chilly place.)

1 On the first tax day, do not think you can tell the tax collector to send you a bill. If you do, at best, the collector will share a laugh with you. At worst, the collector will take measures to collect the tax today. ( That big guy in the corner is the enforcer, Ignatius. His job is to extract the payment right now. He has been known to hold some by their ankles until the money falls to the floor. Just save us all the misery and pay the bill.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

September 7, 2026September 6, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

***

In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

August 31, 2026August 30, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Yes, it’s true. We are beginning the pre-game season. I thought I would put together a list that will hopefully lead to a more enjoyable season for all. (Notice I labeled it American football in deference to the name the rest of the world calls soccer) This post ran first on August 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

10 At the start of the football season, do not try to change entertainment providers. If you do, at best, you’ll have a sports bar close. At worst, you will be hanging aluminum foil off a shirt hanger trying to pick up tonight’s game. (We all know that no matter how you hate your current provider, Isa the new one won’t work for at least 30 days.)

9 At the start of the football season, do not try to hire Tiny the WWF champ to do your yard work so you can watch the game. If you do, at best, he’ll come on Tuesdays. At worst, he will show up on Saturday and will have his broad nose pressed against your window to see the game. (By the way, Islam Tiny just left his separation anxiety group therapy session, and this is no time to tell him to get lost.)

8 At the start of the football season, do not try some tricky recipes for game day. If you do, at best there is still Pizza Hut. At worst, you will know your goose liver pate is being seen as meatloaf when someone asks for catsup. (You should have never tried, Istvan. Your friends would have sooner had meatloaf.)

7 At the start of the football season, do not vow to beat the Joneses with an elaborate tailgate scheme. If you do, at best, the Joneses won’t show up. At worst, Jones has hired an eighteen-wheeler. (To make matters even worse, Ivey, the thing is fully furnished, including a hot tub, kitchen, and a Garth Brooks live performance.)

6 At the start of the football season, do not join the one-hundred-dollar squares game at work. If you do, at best, you will only have spent $100.00. At worst, you didn’t read the fine print, and you are expected to ante $100.00 a week. (Don’t worry, Ixon. That guy with the big nose and muscles isn’t all that bad once you pay up. He may even buy you a beer.)

5 At the start of the football season, do not insist on wearing your team jersey to work on Friday. If you do, at best, your team is very popular with your fellow workers. At worst, your team is playing your bosses’ alma mater this week. (The boss does not look amused, Izod. I think you had better explain that you lost a bet and your team is really the bosses’ team. The boss is not going to buy it, but at least you have plausible deniability, especially if the bosses’ team loses.)

4 At the start of the football season, do not quote every single statistic about every single player during lunch. If you do, at best, everyone will be engaged in other discussions. At worst, sooner or later someone will ask you if you would like a big cup of shut the f–k up. (Now you know you need to be quiet, James. Otherwise, you will know what it is like to eat your lunch all by yourself.)

3 At the start of the football season, do not go shopping for a giant screen TV. If you do, at best, your store will be running a sale. At worst, since they know you and everyone else wants a big screen badly, your store will add 10% to the already outrageous price. (You should have made this purchase during the Fourth of July sale, Joshua. No one wanted a TV then.)

2 At the start of the football season, do not try the old mancave in the garage bit. If you do, at best, your spouse will nix the idea immediately. At worst, you’ll get the mancave set up only to be forced to make room for the cars. (You didn’t think this one out, Jonathan. You see the snow and ice on top of the vehicles is not suitable for them or you when it comes time to try and unfreeze the doors to go to work.)

1 At the start of the football season, do not try to exert dominance over the remote. If you do, at best, others in the house want to watch the same games as you. At worst, no one has any interest in the games you want to watch. (So there you are on the back patio, Jason. Yeah, that’s your breath, you see. I hope you are enjoying watching the game under the same weather conditions it is being played in. Another hot toddy may help.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Wizard of Oz in 1938.

August 24, 2026August 23, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the opening of the movie The Wizard of Oz in New York City in 1938. Since we all want to attend that gala event, we need to take our Top Ten Things Not to Do list so we can enjoy the evening without causing an incident or a tear in the time continuum. All set? Let’s go. This post ran first on August 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of The Wizard of Oz in 1938.

10 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not think anyone will appreciate your cosplay attempt with the lion costume. If you do, at best, no one will take your photo. At worst, since cosplay is a thing of recent history, the zoo will be called, and you’ll be netted. (This is a fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into, Iapetus. At least there’s plenty of red meat served. I would keep an eye on that big fella over there. I think he likes you.)

9 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not let Tiny the WWF champ see you cut in line. If you do, at best, you can quickly make friends with the person you cut in front of. At worst, Tiny, who was just warned about the evils of line cutting by his boss, has decided to make an example of you. (Stop screaming, Idris. Tiny will eventually stop twirling and slam you to the pavement. Then it will be time to scream.)

8 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not make any comment about the Munchkins. If you do, at best, they’ll be too busy to hear you. At worst, your comment regarding size challenge will not go unrevenged. (How does it feel being carried aloft by one hundred hands, Ignat? I hope you enjoy the ride cause the next stop is the Hudson River.)

7 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not sing along with Dorothy on the song Over the Rainbow. If you do, at best, the music will be loud enough to drown you out. At worst, the theater management will finally find you. (They thought you had brought your cat to the performance, Iliya. Looks like you better say a quick goodbye to your seatmates.)

6 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not think it amusing to arrive on a pink horse. If you do, at best, traffic will be so bad you’ll never get to the front door. At worst, you’ll come face to face with the militant leader of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. (The leader makes the Wicked Witch of the West appear to be a Girl Scout, Imad. That umbrella feels like a billy club, doesn’t it? Best to ride out of town.)

5 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask the concession person for a copy of the DVD. If you do, at best you’ll get a box of Raisinets instead. At worst, the concession person thinking you mean to hold up the stand will whistle for the police. (Now you have the pleasure of explaining what a DVD is, Imanol. Maybe it’s better to say you meant Raisinets after all.)

4 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask to try on the ruby slippers. If you do, at best Judy Garland will say no. At worst, you’ll get them on. (Now what are you going to do, Indra? You have size fives on your nines and no way to get them off. You’re lucky there is not a real witch, Glenda. She would send you back to Kansas.)

3 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask the Winged Monkey King for an autograph. If you do, at best he won’t have a pen. At worst he might decide to take you back to the tower to share a lunch. (Don’t look now, Iolo, but the term “share” has a different meaning to the Flying Monkeys)

2 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not ask Auntie Em for a cookie. If you do, at best she won’t hear you. At worst, you will be the one-millionth person to make that request. (So Auntie decided to give you something for your effort, huh, Ionakana? Here, take this steak and put it on that eye. The swelling will go down in no time.)

1 At the opening of The Wizard of Oz, do not shout out, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, when that part comes in the movie, the audience realizes you shouted a spoiler. (Time to leave your seat, Iowereth. There are about 300 moviegoers who want a piece of you. Guess what? There aren’t that many pieces to go around.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Introduction of the First IBM Personal Computer in 1981

August 17, 2026August 16, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

August marks the anniversary of IBM’s introduction of the first personal computer in 1981. If you want to return to that time, take this list with you. It may save a mistake or even a tear in the time continuum. This post ran first on August 12, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Introduction of the First IBM Personal Computer in 1981

10 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not laugh out loud at the 16 to 256 kB amount of memory being offered. If you do, at best someone will think you are laughing with delight. At worst, you’ll be put in a position of explaining what you believe to be so funny. (Just because your current laptop has a thousand times that memory, you need not be a snob, Isaias.)

9 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he needs to learn to keyboard. If you do, at best Tiny will think you mean someone else. At worst, Tiny will think you are mocking his two-fingered approach to typing. (The other worse part is Tiny just left his self-esteem support group where he was told he is a beautiful, perfect, big boy. I think you will have to deal with his feelings of rejection, Illias. It is going to hurt. I’m just sayin’)

8 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if there are any discounts available on the $1,565.00 price tag. If you do, you’ll likely get a strange look. At worst, the engineers will go into a lot of detail about the components and how expensive everything is inside. (Now don’t you feel foolish, Ismael? Put that Best BUY coupon away. It is not helpful to tell them that you can get a PC priced at $141.00 in 1981 dollars. Might even get you run out of town.)

7 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if you can play Pong on it. If you do, at best, more funny looks. At worst, one of the engineers will suddenly see you as a genius and won’t get away from you. (You may think this is a good thing, Izzy, but the guy hasn’t been out of his clothes for two weeks.)

6 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not use white-out on the screen to correct mistakes you make trying out a unit. If you do, at best the group will think you are cute. At worst, they’ll think you are a technology terrorist. (There are a couple of big guys moving your way, Iban. Might be a good idea to take your white-out and correction tape and head for the door.)

5 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not complain if you get a stripped-down version with no monitor for your $1565.00 ($4313 in 2018 dollars). If you do, you may be told to buy a more expensive model. At worst, the engineers will sit you down and explain that the PC was designed to be hooked to a TV monitor. ( So now you know, Ivo. You just plop that sucker down by your TV and plug it in the back. Well, assuming you have a connection on your TV. If not, come back and get the +$3,000 models. We’ll throw in a couple of floppy disk drives too. Don’t tell me you don’t know what floppy disks are?)

4 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not scoff at Charlie Chaplin’s character The Little Tramp as a spokesperson for the IBM PC. If you do, at best, the market will ignore you. At worst, the advertising folks will lock you in a room and make you watch an endless loop of Little Tramp commercials until you buy a PC. (Best just buy one in the first half-hour, Idal. Otherwise, your brain may melt.)

3 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not buy before you try. If you do, you can expect some inconvenience. At worst, you’ll be trying to save to drives that don’t exist and print to empty slots. (Maybe you should have tried it out first, Isham. Looks like you will need the more expensive one after all.)

2 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if it is compatible with your iPhone. If you do, at best, no one in the room will know what an iPhone is. At worst, the security department will believe you asked the question because you are from a competitor. (Looks like it is going to be a fun ride out the front door, Izak. Try to land on something soft this time.)

1 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if it comes in colors other than grey. If you do, at best the salespeople will think you are joking. At worst, the salespeople will think you are a corporate spy for Apple. (Looks like they are ready for this kind of thing, Issa. Here comes the sheriff with a couple of deputies. Might be a good time to hit the way back button on that cell phone.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in 1608

August 3, 2026August 2, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

Quebec flag

The anniversary of the first French settlement in Quebec, in 1608, by Samuel de Champlain, is in July. It might be fun to go there, but there are some things we need to be careful about. Take this list, and maybe you will avoid an international incident or a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in 1608

10 If you are at the settlement, do not think everyone should speak English. If you do, at best, no one will talk to you. At worst, you might be called a Britanique and tossed out into the snow. (These French take their language seriously, Issac. Best not mess with them.)

9 If you are at the settlement, do not mess with Tiny the WWF champ’s Molson Ale supply. If you do, at best, you’ll get a hand slap. At worst, you won’t have the use of your right arm for a few weeks. (Don’t be concerned, Ivan. The feeling should return. After all, no bones were broken.)

8 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for an order of Poutine (Cheese curds, French fries, and brown gravy). If you do, at best, you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you’ll describe the dish, and everyone will rush to leave the room. (Any wonder you scared them, Isaiah? Although the plate was developed in Quebec, it did not become popular until the 1950s.)

7 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for pancakes and maple syrup. If you do, at best, you’ll get strange looks. At worst, your description of extracting sap and refining it into syrup will get you a few minutes in the dunk tank. (You have to remember, Ignacio. The giant Quebec maple syrup reserves are a modern development.)

6 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for a bag of milk. If you do, at best, you’ll be led to a cow. At worst, once you describe your request, you will convince the locals that you need to be given a foot warming on the stake. (You keep getting the modern confused with the ancient, Irving. If you keep it up, you may never get out of there.)

5 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for directions to the nearest Tim Hortons. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague finger point meaning, “Out there, Eh?” At worst, when you describe Tim Hortons, you will have the entire settlement up in arms over a donut. (They are looking to you to deliver, Ira. Best get cracking on a donut-and-coffee delivery. That one guy looks particularly anxious. Yeah, the one with the musket.)

4 If you are at the settlement, do not wish out loud for a box of KD. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, a few will overhear your mutterings and want some too. (Now you have gone and done it, Isiah. You have created a demand for Kraft Dinner long before the product is available. Well, hopefully, they will all forget about it by the time it is introduced in 1937.)

3 If you are at the settlement, do not correct the spelling of certain words. If you do, at best, they will be changed back. At worst, the speller will become angry with your attempts. (Even though you may think it is okay to correct the spelling to American usage, Ingmar. I would fetch your own coffee if I were you.)

2 If you are at the settlement, do not attempt to describe Justin Bieber. If you do, at best, people will think you are joking. At worst, the elders will pass a resolution to hunt down anyone named Bieber. (You have made a time continuum mistake, Immanuel. Lucky, the elders also agree to deport any Biebers to America, where they will flourish for some unknown reason.)

1 If you are at the settlement, do not refer to a monetary coin as a loonie. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, the population will wonder where you came from and, as a result, will need to have an inquisition. (The fact that the Canadian one-dollar “loonie’ was introduced in 1987 is not going to help you, Ida. I think you’re going to enjoy your time in the stocks. Better pray your butt holds out.)