Yes, it’s true. We are beginning the pre-game season. I thought I would put together a list that will hopefully lead to a more enjoyable season for all. (Notice I labeled it American football in deference to the name the rest of the world calls soccer)
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season
10 At the start of the football season, do not try to change entertainment providers. If you do, at best you’ll have a sports bar close. At worse, you will be hanging aluminum foil off a shirt hanger trying to pick up tonight’s game. (We all know that no matter how you hate your current provider, Isa the new one won’t work for at least 30 days.)
9 At the start of the football season, do not try to hire Tiny the WWF champ to do your yard work so you can watch the game. If you do, at best he’ll come on Tuesdays. At worse, he will show up on Saturday and will have his broad nose pressed against your window to see the game. (By the way, Islam Tiny just left his separation anxiety group therapy session, and this is no time to tell him t get lost.)
8 At the start of the football season, do not try some tricky recipes for game day. If you do, at best there still is Pizza hut. At worst, you will know your goose liver pate is being seen as meatloaf when someone asks for catsup. (You should have never tried, Istvan. Your friends would have sooner had meatloaf.)
7 At the start of the football season, do not vow to beat the Jones’ with an elaborate tailgate scheme. If you do, at best the Jones’ won’t show up. At worst, Jones has hired an eighteen-wheeler. (To make matters even worse, Ivey the thing is fully furnished including a hot tub, kitchen and a Garth Brooks live performance.)
6 At the start of the football season, do not join the One Hundred dollar squares game at work. If you do, at best you will only have spent $100.00. At worst, you didn’t read the fine print and you are expected to anti $100.00 a week. (Don’t worry, Ixon. That guy with the big nose and muscles isn’t all that bad once you pay up. He may even buy you a beer.)
5 At the start of the football season, do not insist on wearing your team jersey to work on Friday. If you do, at best, your team is very popular with your fellow workers. At worse, your team is playing your bosses’ alma mater this week. (The boss does not look amused, Izod. I think you had better explain that you lost a bet and your team is really the bosses’ team. The boss is not going to buy it, but at least you have plausible deniability, especially if the bosses’ team loses.)
4 At the start of the football season, do not quote every single statistic about every single player during lunch. If you do, at best everyone will be engaged in other discussions. At worse, sooner or later someone will ask you if you would like a big cup of shut the f–k up. (Now you know you need to be quiet, James. Otherwise, you will know what it is like to eat your lunch all by yourself.)
3 At the start of the football season, do not go shopping for a giant screen TV. If you do, At best your store will be running a sale. At worst, since they know you and everyone else wants a big screen badly, your store will add 10% to the already outrageous price. (You should have made this purchase during the Fourth of July sale, Joshua. No one wanted a TV then.)
2 At the start of the football season, do not try the old mancave in the garage bit. If you do, at best, your spouse will nix the idea immediately. At worst, you’ll get the mancave set up only to be forced to make room for the cars. (You didn’t think this one out, Jonathan. You see the snow and ice on top of the vehicles is not suitable for them or you when it comes time to try and unfreeze the doors to go to work.)
1 At the start of the football season, do not try to exert dominance over the remote. If you do, at best others in the house want to watch the same games as you. At worst, no one has any interest in the games you want to watch. (So there you are on the back patio, Jason. Yeah, that’s your breath, you see. I hope you are enjoying watching the game in the same weather conditions in which it is being played. Another hot toddy may help.)
Fiction Favorites 
Oh my! You had me cracking up from the start, John. “You will be hanging aluminum foil off a shirt hanger trying to pick up tonight’s game.” LOL! I’m excited for the news season. Happy Monday!
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Me too. I was so poverty-stricken I watched the Miami/Florida game Saturday night. (Was a good game even though I don’t root for either)
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LOL! Nothing wrong with poverty football. 🙂
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So true.
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Funny list, John. I think that man-cave idea just might become the permanent residence for some if they dared to try it!! 🙂
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The old mancave bit was my favorite on the list!
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That one stood out for me!!
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Thanks, GP.
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I guess you could spread out the food and drinks on the car hood and make it work. 😂 Thanks, Liz
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Just don’t hit the open button on the door. Thanks, GP.
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Hilarious, John. I’m not a football fan as I’m too anxious about players getting hurt. Because of that, I thought it wonderful that Andrew Luck retired early, but clearly, I am in the minority. Great list as always! 😀
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For a non-fan, you seem to be up on the latest developments. Yes, Andrew is quitting while ahead and given his injury profile it is a good thing.
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He was featured on the nightly news and fans were booing. I became an immediate supporter of Andrew. Brave and wise of him to retire.
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I think so too.
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Written like a true fan, with experience in this arena.
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Mucho. Thanks, Craig.
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Actually, #10 qualifies as a rule for life in general — changing providers can lead to any number of ghastly traumas. On the other hand, the aluminum foil does work.
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Gotta find a metal hanger though. Thanks, Linda
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I’m actually surprised that wearing a jersey to work on Friday would be bad. Isn’t that usually a casual day? Probably depends on the place, especially if you have uniforms. Office life really is a bummer.
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Well for example if you wore a Patriots jersey to an office filled with Giant fans it might be dicey.
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Not as dicey as the opposite. Giants fans will tease, but the real ones know they can’t talk too much. It isn’t like our team is consistently dominant and without problems.
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😁
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I can easily picture a semi tail gate…lol. Great list, John!
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We did it once at a Notre Dame game. We even gave tours of the semi. People were gobsmacked.
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Wow! I can image. Sounds like a blast.
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Was off the chart fun.
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Numbers 5 and 4 resonate strongly, John. As the only Steelers fan in an office that’s an extension of Gillette Stadium, I wish I could rent Tiny just one Friday during the season. I can’t beleive I’m saying this, but Thank God for Giants fans.
Worse than the fact that a boatload of them pull for the Patriots, several fall into category #4, with statistics going back since #12 threw his first football out of his playpen.
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Hahaha. Now you know what it is like living in Cowboy country. Thanks, Dan
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That might be (historically) worse, John.
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Texans think the Cowboys are America’s team. I beg to differ.
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I don’t know how they got that nickname.
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Me either. I never bought in even when I didn’t live here.
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This is such an exciting time of year, John, and you’ve nailed some of the things that can ruin it. Some trash-talk is acceptable, but getting into arguments over team statistics might lead to job loss! It’s times like this I really value being a “solo-preneur”!
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Me too. Good think The Producer and I see eye to eye on team picks.
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My son’s position is right guard. My Fridays consist of his games, my Saturdays consist of college football visits and my Sundays have football on tv. Is it December yet?
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Ah. Force fed fandom.
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When one has a player headed to college in 2020 its football or die, apparently.
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For sure. Exciting though.
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When you started with the tin foil, it made me think back to when antennas were a thing, LOL.
And for the second year in a row, I will not be doing fantasy league. Truth be told, it was a pain in the ass keeping up with players I didn’t know!
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It seems like a pain to me but then I thought maybe I was just out of it.
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Hahaha!
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Funny 🙂
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Thank you. 😊
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Did you have a hot tub in your semi?
Who’d you get for the music?
Gobsmacked?
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We did not have a hot tub but did have a complete living room (with lamps), dining room with chandelier and a bar. Music was by tape on an amplifier with a number of speakers. Gobsmacked is a British term meaning utterly astonished; astounded. Thanks, Andrew. By the way, this week in history had nothing funny other than the introduction of the Edsel and that gave me little inspiration.
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Yeah, I noticed about the history thing.
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Really funny, John. Liver pate as meatloaf. I’m still laughing!
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I’m glad. 😀
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🙂
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I think my oldest son might be a #4. Struggled to get him to read anything not assigned in school, but if it’s sports-related, he shows up.
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😊
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Do not gamble all of your hard earned money away on football games! Thats me hahaha
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Thank you for the comment and for following.
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