Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair

~ John W. Howell
Unsplash photo by John Matychuk

This post originally ran on July 13, 2015. It seemed like good advice then. If you haven’t read it, I hope you enjoy it.

Since it is summer, and there are many fairs and carnivals, I thought it would be a good idea to provide a list of things not to do if you plan on visiting one or more. The inspiration for this list is some fair visits and watching several people do what should not be done. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Fair.

10 If you go to the fair and take a shuttle from the parking lot, do not start singing the Trolley Song from Meet me in St Louis. If you do, at best, the crowd will groan at the cliché.  At worst, you will forget the words beyond “clang clang clang went the trolley” and look like an idiot. (Hint its “ding ding ding went the bell”)

9 If you go to the fair, do not put your kids on leashes as if they were pets. If you do, at best, you will find folks tripping over the lines. At worst, the kids may decide to play as dogs and lift a leg at an inopportune time.

8 If you go to the fair, do not walk around while stuffing your face with fair goodies. If you do, at best, you might not notice the ketchup running down your arm and alarm others who think you’ve been wounded. At worst, you’ll resemble some of the exhibits in the swine barn. (The plus side you might win a ribbon)

7 If you go to the fair, do not fall for the deep-fried novelties booth. If you do, at best, you will hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you will jeopardize your expensive dental work on the deep-fried Snickers bar. (On second thought, it might be worth it)

6 If you go to the fair, do not pay money to have someone guess your weight. If you do, at best, even if the guesser is wrong, the world now knows how much you weigh. At worst, the guesser will get your weight exactly right and, unfortunately, will announce to the crowd that he wasn’t sure, so he added ten pounds to his guess. (And you did not get a Cupie doll)

5 If you go to the fair, do not ride the ride where everyone is screaming. If you do, at best, you will get a sore throat from your own screaming. At worst, you will make a complete fool out of yourself, crying and begging the operator to let you off. (And this is before the ride starts)

4 If you go to the fair, do not think the house of fun is fun. If you do, at best you will be surprised at all the screaming and find it is you. At worst, you will have trouble holding onto that 32-ounce big gulp you just finished. (And it’s not the cup we are talking about)

3 If you go to the fair, do not think you will win many stuffed animals at the midway. If you do, at best, you will finally figure out the games are not winnable by ordinary people. At worst, you will spend way more than the value of the animal you eventually win. (Of course, you can always keep trying and  invest enough that you could have used to buy a car)

2 If you go to the fair, do not announce how stinky you think the barns smell in a loud voice. If you do, at best, you might get a few frowns. At worst, you might be invited outside for a chat by Daniel Yoder, the national tractor throwing champ. (He will want to find out what part of cow poop you don’t like)

1 If you go to the fair and hear the word “stampede,” do not stand there and wonder what it means. If you do, at best, the herd will take the next aisle. At worst, you will be faced with a bunch of panicked cows or horses who will be more than happy to continue the same course whether you are in the way or not. (Those hooves are hard)

75 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair”

  2. I love the Trolley song, John. I guess I better walk from the parking lot to the first food booth. Deep fried butter – that’s not likely to make a me…is it?

    Great post, and since some of our fairs will be open this year, it might come in handy. Ding ding.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I found myself singing the next part of the song just as I was reading it!
    And it’s funny. Fair treats just don’t do it for me. The smell of fried stuff all around. Blech. Doesn’t mean I don’t give in once in a blue moon…
    Mick did manage to win a big-ass “Sonic the Hedghog” – and it didn’t cost him the price of the toy, either! This thing was more than 2′ high! Of course, with two kids, he had to try to get two of them. That might have cost a tad more 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You had me laughing at #9. I never put my kids on leashes, but keeping track of my sons was a full-time experience. Ever heard loudspeakers announcing some lost kid? Well … been there done that. Great post, John. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Another timely list, John — thank you. Probably a good idea not to talk unkindly about the food entries either — somebody just might overhear and get their feelings hurt!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The prizes and novelties to buy always look so great from a distance. I remember one year finally talking my parents into letting me have one of those hard plastic kewpie dolls with bright lips and feathers glued all over it. The thing was probably terribly overpriced and it went ignored in my room until my mom must have thrown it out. I just HAD to have it, though!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Do not fall for the deep-fried novelties? OK, but you’ll have to pry my funnel cake from my cold, dead hands! The best one? It’s at the Kerrville Arts & Crafts Fair, where they’ll top it with soft-serve apple ice cream.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Sound advice, John! I wish I still had the stuffed “animal” I won on the Jersey shore boardwalk during the 70s. It was a big psychedelic rectangle with a crazy face and its ribbon said, “You bet your bippy!”

    Liked by 1 person

  18. You always ignite a memory for me. At the Danbury State Fair, I won a bird…a canary…who died in the car on the way home. I’ll never forget it. You could see if I won a gold fish, but a bird? I was 6.

    I also remember Palisades Park. I had second cousins in Jersey so we’d go visit Alba and Whitey Fontana with their kids, Joanie and Bernard who I had a HUGE crush on.

    I loved how you could see the roller coaster as you zoomed down the West Side Highway. I felt sad when they closed.

    We also had The Midway in Bridgeport that came seasonally. I was particularly fond of the giant tea cups that seemed to swallow you as they whipped around corners while you tried to keep that bad hotdog down.

    Now look what you’ve done. Now I’m yearning for cotton candy, an orange crush and a cupie doll.

    You have such a collection of these….2015? Wow. Impressive 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They actually go back to 2013 but were written with a collaborator. So those will remain in the archives. some of my 2014’s are funny I am trying to keep the dates close and the 2014 post on July 10th was a promo for another blogger. (Top Ten things Not to Do writing his kind of stuff) Thank you for letting me know about your memories. I’m glad I could jar some loose. Thanks for letting me know. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  22. The whole put your kid on a leash thing is just plain weird. I’m glad that wasn’t around when I was raising a kid.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I agree, there is NO fun to the Fun House. It’s the most deceptive name in the history of deceptive names. And as for those deep fried Oreos . . isn’t that enough? The fact they’re deep fried? Do they really need the chocolate sauce and whipped cream on top? I mean . . we get it, they’re deep fried. That’s enough!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Love this list. I am so glad I found this post all on my own without help from anyone.
    A note on the Trolley Song:
    When Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin brought Arthur Freed (the producer of “Meet Me In St. Louis) a song for that part of the movie (the trolley scene), Freed rejected the song, saying, ” I want a song about a trolley.” The dejected song writers went back to their cubby hole and banged out the Trolley Song in an afternoon.
    And don’t get me started on Arthur Freed. This is a family friendly site, after all.

    Liked by 1 person

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