Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Live in a Vacation Destination

~ John W. Howell

Family vacation

Originally published on July 22, 2015, and was the first mention of Tiny.

***

This list has been inspired by observing the interaction between vacationers and locals at some vacation destinations where I have found myself as a resident. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Live in a Vacation Destination

10 If you live in a vacation destination, do not honk your horn at the drivers who habitually go ten miles below the speed limit. If you do, at best, they will go even slower. At worst, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a very frustrated lost out-of-towner with a car full of kids and someone asking, “If we should have stopped and asked directions.” (And they might just have their semi-automatic weapon collection along for the ride.)

9 If you live in a vacation destination, do not put off grocery shopping until the end of the week. If you do, at best, you will be able to check out before your ice cream is liquefied. At worst, you will have spent three hours fighting out-of-towners for items on your list only to find you lost a majority of the battles. (And the last six-pack of beer went to an immense guy named Tiny. ( At least that’s what the tattoo you read on the fingers of his fist said before your lights went out.)

8 If you live in a vacation destination, do not drive your car downtown between Thursday and Sunday. If you do, at best, your round trip will be several hours. At worst, you will be forced to sleep overnight in your car since you parked in the only spot available only to find all the streets have been closed to traffic until dawn (And you didn’t bring a toothbrush)

7 If you live in a vacation destination, do not plan to have dinner out from May 30th until September 2nd. If you do, at best you will be disappointed with the quality and service. At worst, you will be served hours after your order and will receive a meal lower than fast food quality and priced like Michelin Four Star. (And you ran out of things to talk about an hour before.)

6 If you live in a vacation destination, do not look forward to a peaceful summer. If you do, at best, you will finally give up and stay inside. At worst, you will become known to the police as “that crank with no sense of humor.” (And even get a busy signal on a 911 call).

5 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think by being rude to the visitors, somehow they will never come back. If you do, at best, you will receive some rudeness in return. At worst, you may just be rude to the wrong person and end up looking like a raccoon. (Tough to explain as well)

4 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think everyone picks up after themselves. If you do, at best, you will become disillusioned quickly. At worst, you will find yourself explaining to the police why you are threatening out-of-towners with a litter pickup stick. (And they have their Tasers at the ready)

3 If you live in a vacation destination, do not even think of going to the Dairy Queen. If you do, at best, all your cones will look like shakes. At worst, your blood pressure will hit overdrive as you watch the two clerks try to handle one hundred customers. (And you wonder why management is surprised by a rush of business during vacation time)

2 If you live in a vacation destination, do not give anyone permission to park in your driveway just for a moment. If you do, at best, you will not be able to get out for a few hours. At worst, you will have the vacationers in your driveway for two weeks. (And the car is locked)

1 If you live in a vacation destination, do not casually mention the idea people should visit. If you, at best you will only get a few who will take you up on your “offer.” At worst, you will have a houseful of permanent residents, and you’ll be lucky if you even know them. (And they remind you of being out of beer.)

84 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Live in a Vacation Destination”

  7. I live in a vacation destination and agree with all of these. A good majority of the vacationers here are British and used to driving on the opposite side of the road. So every time we got out in the car we are taking our lives in our hands. Forget getting a spot on the beach. Sigh. Fortunately, the rest of the year is lovely and any pandemic year!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Having spent the last 9 years in a vacation destination, your list brought all kinds of memories and smiles. Well done, John. You hit the mark with this “Top Ten Things.” 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Having lived in a vacation destination, I can attest to the wisdom of each of these 10 things. Funny how living in “corn and soybean land” doesn’t draw the tourists like a sandy beach! And thanks for searching the archives to find Tiny’s first mention — I’ve been missing his escapades.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Did you ever hit the nail on the head here! I learned numbers 1 thru 10 very early in the game – like 50 years ago!!
    I didn’t know that Tiny was only 6 years old – this puts a whole new light on things.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I grew up living in a vacation destination and these are all so true! We all breathed a sigh of relief on Labor Day! The best thing to do was to get a summer job catering to the tourists.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Sounds like the voice of experience. Reading this makes me thankful I don’t live in a vacation destination. #8 brought back memories of trips to Branson, Missouri and bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Tiny! I didn’t know how long he had been a fixture of your blog, John.

    About 20 years ago or more, the ski town of Breckenridge, CO, was hit with a rash of vandalism incidents when we were visiting. The targets had one thing in common—they were all from out of the area. Our rental car got hit. They dumped something on the hood that literally took the layers of paint right down to the metal. You can imagine the looks when I returned the rental car.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Can I confirm everything, John! But “ex negativo”, so to speak. This area is called a holiday destination, but nothing of it has been seen since the area was called this. Lol Thank you for the advices, and have a beautiful week! xx Michael

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Live in a Vacation Destination by John W. Howell – DEEZ – News about Art, Books & more

  25. I must say that I would avoid living in a vacation destination at all costs. Just going into downtown or Old Montreal is a pain in the ass in the summer so… yeah. This list is way too correct!

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I can imagine. I’ve only been in Montreal once. Was a meeting and had dinner. Didn’t get a chance to see a thing. Since it was 30 years ago I can’t even remember the dinner spot. It was one of the best at the time. 😁

          Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, John. Was Tiny the WWF wrestler in the following Top Ten, or did that come later? I ask the hard and annoying questions… apologies.

        Like

Comments are closed.