Top Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

~ John W. Howell

Last week I replayed what not to do on a Sunday. This week’s post is from August 9th, 2015, which ran one week after the Sunday post. (of course) I hope you like it.

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This list was inspired by facing Monday over 3800 times so far. Everyone was a little different, and it was not because of the day but rather because of the day before. Hope you enjoy it.

funny-monday-pictures-2

Top Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

10 On Monday, do not bustle into the office as if you don’t have a hangover. If you do, at best, you will broadcast your desperate condition. At worst, you may just burn out by ten o’clock and will have a rough time explaining how you managed to sleep at your desk until after everyone went home. (And you were drooling too)

9 On Monday, do not go into your boss’s office with a demand for higher pay. If you do, at best, you can expect a locked door next time. At worst, your boss is fighting a bad headache, and you are now considered a pain in another part of the body. (We are too gentrified to mention what that part is)

8 On Monday, do not get near fellow workers. If you do, at best, they will thank you for moving further away, given the garlic fumes from your midnight Caesar salad. At worst, you will confirm that you just had to have one more round of firewater before the last call at 2:00. (Funny how two hours of sleep and gallons of coffee won’t get rid of the alcohol vapor)

7 On Monday, do not use a laser pointer during your presentation. If you do, at best, your shaking hands will be magnified by the frantic little dot moving around the screen. At worst, you will accidentally point the laser out the window just in time to catch the eye of a 747 pilot on the final approach to the airport. (The next thing you will face is an interrogation by Homeland Security)

6 On Monday, do not volunteer to be a homeroom parent. If you do, at best, the kids will whisper to the teacher you smell funny. At worst, as you realize you need to visit the restroom, quick, you stumble over little Johnny sliding into the hallway and involuntarily render the trip to the restroom redundant. You also notice how each child can say “eeewww” at a different pitch. (And you thought there would be no teaching moment out of the situation)

5 On Monday, do not meet with friends unless they were with you the night before. If you do, at best, they will not understand your current state. At worst, since they are friends, you can expect an interdiction even though you think you will live. (As luck would have it, you decided you were going to live after that first glass of wine)

4 On Monday, do not operate any dangerous equipment. If you do, at best, you will harm the machinery and not yourself. At worse, you will be screaming for help as the piece of equipment you forgot to turn off heads down the street. (Don’t worry, a runaway forklift can’t cause much harm. Or can it?)

3 On Monday, do not walk the dogs. If you do, at best you will forget where you live. At worst, the dogs will sense some weakness and will take the opportunity to haul you on your stomach through the neighborhood in pursuit of the neighbor’s cat. (Too bad you put on your best outfit for the presentation this morning)

2 On Monday, do not take the carpool to work. If you do, at best, you will be asked a hundred questions about your appearance. At worst, your fellow carpoolers will decide to let you off after a couple of miles, and you’ll have to make your way to work anyway. (And you thought that dime-store cologne was going to cover up your night before reek)

1 On Monday, do not get out of bed. If you do, at best, your college try will get you an F. At worst, you will expose yourself to any one of the nine things on this list. (Trust me, it is safer in bed)

69 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday”

  8. Hilarious, John. Now I know that craziness is not a recent phenomenon for you. 🤣 I loved #3 especially. Being the visual type and one who knows all the dogs on my street, I had fun thinking about that one. Have a fantastic day!

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  9. With #10, I don’t have a hangover, but i might as well because with only two hours of sleep I’m pretty incoherent right now. Which is why I should just do #1.

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  12. Dear John,
    we love best no. 1 and no. 7.
    Thanks for making us remember the times when we were working and for making us laugh.
    Wishing you an easy and wonderful week
    The Fab Four of Cley
    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  13. Great ones, John. On Monday, don’t think about the rest of the week. If you do, you will become depressed. At worst, especially with a hangover, you might 9, 4 and 3!

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  22. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday by John W. Howell – DEEZ – News about Art, Books & more

  23. When you work for yourself, Mondays are just about like the other weekdays! Nevertheless, this one brings back those times when I worked for The Man — well done, John!

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  24. #6 brought back a memory from my teaching days. I had a parent come in to volunteer one day in my room and I set her up at a station to listen to kids read. I was behind a divider, so I couldn’t see what was going on. After a little while, one of my little second graders came over and just stared at me while I was working with a small group. When I asked her what was wrong, she said the parent who was supposed to be listening to her read had fallen asleep.🤣

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