Photo by Connor Jalbert on Unsplash
This post was originally published in August of 2016. We are expecting 100+F (37.7+C) temperatures for the next seven days. So I think this list is still relevant.
* * *
By design, I will admit this list is a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that their thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.
10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best, the 1000-degree oven will win. At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way, hey Bunkie?)
9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best, you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heartbeat signals you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)
8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best, you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)
7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at summer school. If you do, at best, the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement that the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)
6 If you are in the heat, do not think it is a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best, you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks, which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag and your wallet proved to be a mistake. (Handing the police your ice cream-soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home, officer, before the ice cream melted.”)
5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best, you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)
4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best, you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)
3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best, you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)
2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best, you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Well…maybe not.)
1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best, you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. Okay, this one is serious, and all too often, people forget to keep their pets (and children, sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures. Don’t be one of those people.
Fiction Favorites 
Funny stuff, and a nice way to get to the true cautionary hint at the end!
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Folks need a reminder, Linda. Less than a minute and a car temperature starts rising. Thanks.
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I’ve seen people do some of these.
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I have too. Not me certainly. 😁
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Certainly not. 😉
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# 2 should be advertised around here. No sooner do we start getting into the 90’s and everyone whips out the grill. You can’t go outside without seeing smoke and having it smell like the Everglades fires are on your doorstep!
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I hate that too. I have a neighbor who grills almost every day. Unhealthy for him and me. 🙄
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I’ve made the mistakes listed under #8 and #9 – let’s not speak of #5
We keep our pets cool, John, even it it means getting scratched an bitten dragging the cats off there window-shelf sun spots. Good reminded.
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Yes no one likes to be taken off the sun shelf for sure. 😁
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Great reminders, John. Our temps are soaring this week as well. Take good care of yourself and family.
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You as well, Gwen. No digging in the garden in the heat.
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😁
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😁
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#4 just makes me think of human soup. Too hot and you cook.
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Ha ha ha.
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Sometimes I see neighbors out running when temps and humidty are high and I wonder how they can even breathe. This girl stays indoors with the AC when it’s that hot outside.
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I’m with you. I did a bike ride but early.
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Good ones, John. One does have to take precautions in hot weather.
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Yes it is true.
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That caution about pets and kids is so important. I find myself sheltering from the heat more these days, too.
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Yeah, age does make the heat less friendly.
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Fortunately for us, this is supposed to be a week of “cooler ” temps and rain, but I can certainly relate to your list. I’m glad you included #1 (hate to think some people even need a reminder of this). People who think, “I’ll be back in less than a minute,” always seem to get caught, and the kids and pets are the ones who suffer.
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Yeah. People here automatically call the police when they see an animal or kid in a car alone.
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That last one IS very serious. A friend lost a dog that way. For my husband, the bartender: do not agree to bartend an event with 1000 people in 95-degree heat, wearing your black bartender’s outfit. He did it anyway and took two days to recover.
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I can imagine so. Yikes.
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Good advice, John. Right on time for our heat wave this week. Very important to remember #1.
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Yes on number one. I’m not sure I can survive 100 degree temps again. (Oh come on John. You’ve been doing it for 22 years.)
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I’ve been doing it all my life and I still cringe at the thought. Then I keep telling myself that I hate winter. As long as the A/C holds out, I’d much rather have summer over winter.
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I agree. 🥵
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Very sound advice. I can’t imagine anyone has the energy to do anything in that heat!
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I know right. Too hot to move.
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Way!
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Thanks for including that last one… 🙂
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Much needed. Thanks, Willow.
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We are expecting similar temps. In fact, it was 34C (93F) today. So all good tips and especially the last one. So many sad stories about folks not paying attention.
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Too many sad stories, Darlene. Thank you.
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This is a great list, John. #4 & 5 crack me up, and #1 is a good reminder. Our week will heat up again towards the end, too. Stay cool and safe.
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Good list of reasons to avoid the heat. I just had a flashback to when I went o meet my wife’s family for the first time. It was a +100 degree day inland, and 70 is warm where we live on the ocean. Like a fool, I decided to prove my worth by repairing my mother-in-law’s dilapidated fence and ended up with a heat stroke. Not my finest moment.
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I can see how the heat stroke would be impressive. 😁 Sorry about that.
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Great list, especially keeping our pets and kids safe.
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Folks need to pay attention to that aspect of the het.
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Great list, John. People do stupid stuff when it’s hot out. Our cats love the heat–we call them Dali’s kitties in the summer because they literally drape themselves on the porch furniture. But when it gets too hot, we don’t allow them on the porch.
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That is a funny term for the cats. I can see them all over the furniture though
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A great list. Everyone needs to protect their pets.
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So true, Lauren. Thanks.
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As per the yard work, please define heat? For yours truly, sometimes my “Heat Index” tips the scales at 90 and uh, sometimes it’s much lower. 😉
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Well today we are forecasted to have a high of 103 degrees. 🥵
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Yeah, that would call for the rest of the week’s yard work to be canceled.
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Yes. I also got my second booster and I have a hangover that not even a bloody Mary will fix.
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Oh man, sorry to hear that!
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Thanks
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Feel better Jefe.
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Thank you, Pilgrim. I’m sure I will tomorrow.
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🙂
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I feel much better today
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Excellent.:)
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I say, dear John! I wish you to pass these hot days without any troubles. It was an incredible heat lat year in Moscow. We suffered for about a month, so your idea with the pottery sounds fine 🙂 🙂 🙂 PS: Please, see the Skype. 🍤🍤🍤🍻
Have a nice week! 🙂
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I looked at Skype and proposed a time 😁
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Thank you, my dear friend! I sent you my reply. 🙂
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I replied again
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😊😊😊
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The sizzle toward summer is beginning here in the Mile High, John so I empathize. And me not scheduling my AC startup soon enough so that I must manually fan myself until after the 4th. On the plus side, “it’s a heat” compared to humidity down your way. Stay cool, sir.
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Yes our humidity is a killer for sure. Do you have someone come and start your A/C?
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We don’t do humidity. Yes, I do have a company start it up, because I don’t feel comfortable climbing up on the roof. The house has hot water heat (as in no ducts) so I can’t do central air and have an evaporative cooler which is perfect for our dry climate.
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Sounds like a good idea not getting on the roof. July 4th will be here in a 1000 degrees. 😁
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Bravo on #1. I read about the heat coming your way. Stay cool, Johnny Boy.
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We’ll sure try
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Spot on list, John! I feel like I’m pretty safe from the Alabama heat most days! If it’s hot, I aim to stay indoors!! lol
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Yeah, good plan, Mar.
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HILARIOUS!!
Except for #1. You know, there are still many idiots out there, and some have babies.
Anyway, I have 1 item to add to your list.
Do not go street art hunting in the heat. At best, there is no best.
At worst, you’ll end up making a post like the one I just published, and call it Dear John,
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I love that post, Resa. You are so clever and it brought a big smile to my face.
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Yay! I like to make people happy. It’s a circle kinda thing! xx
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You certainly made me happy today. I had my second booster yesterday and feel like I over did the gin last night.
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Ahh, I am trying to get my second booster. Health care in Canada is free …but…s…l…o…w…
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Yes indeed.
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Thanks for the list, John! Most of us can relate to a few of these and learned the hard way. Really funny!!
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Yes. The hard way for sure.
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😀
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Definitely worthy advice John. I’m sweating just thinking about your temps. 🙂
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I agree.
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Excuse me for my feeling of ‘superiority,’ but it cannot be helped when one is in 43C for 3 months and people talk about ‘heat’ of 37C.
I bet you cannot roll out some dough, throw on some cheese and toppings, place it in the middle of your dining table, go out for a swim, and come back in half an hour to a crisply baked pizza. No oven. No electricity. No nothing.
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All those weaklings don’t know what they are missing. We had 41 yesterday
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Ah! That sounds like fun now 🙂
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Yes, indeed.
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