Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
This list was originally posted on September 26th, 2016. Since drive-throughs still exist, I think the advice will be helpful.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through

10 If you are going to a drive-through, do not ask the order taker for a dining recommendation. If you do, at best, you’ll get a repeat of the “how can I help you?” At worst, the order person will tell you to eat somewhere else. (Didn’t expect that did you? You better take the advice so you can be assured your drinks are 99% spit free.)

9 If you are going to a drive-through, do not ask for a description of the special of the day. If you do, at best, there is no special. At worst, the order person will believe you are mocking their position and will get even. (Do not lift that lid on the soft drink; just throw it away.)

8 If you are going to a drive-through, do not tell the order taker that this is a to-go order. At best, you won’t hear the comment since the mic is turned off. At worst, you’ll have to sit and listen to the laughter of the entire order crew and patrons as the order taker broadcasts “THIS IS A TO-GO ORDER” over the loudspeaker. (What were you thinking? DRIVE THROUGH. Duh?)

7 If you are going to a drive-through, do not ask for special handling of your sandwich. If you do, At best, you’ll be asked to pull over. At worst, you will sit in the penalty box in the hot sun until the staff finally remembers you are there. (Your special handling request is forgotten as well.)

6 If you are going to a drive-through, do not joke about a wine pairing. If you do, at best, you’ll confuse the order taker and take more time. At worst, the order taker will seek out a manager to find the answer. (The manager’s name is Tiny, and this is the fourteenth-hour Tiny has been at work. Tiny was also the Class A high school wrestling champ in the state and had to relinquish the title because of anger issues. Bon appetite.)

5 If you are going to a drive-through, do not change your order. If you do, at best, you will get both. At worst, you will get the order of the car behind you, which bears no resemblance to what you wanted. (You have to wonder how a burger that big can fit into a mouth.)

4 If you are going to a drive-through, don’t forget to check your order. If you do forget, at best, the only thing missing is a straw. At worst, that deep-fried chicken sandwich you didn’t order triggers your cholesterol and blood pressure to new levels. (“So how did we come to eat that thing?” is the question asked by your doctor. Regrettably, you try to blame the drive-through.)

3 If you are going to a drive-through, do not try to stock your condiment supply with a request for extra. If you do, at best, you’ll get one more catsup, and that’s all. At worst, you will get too many catsups and not enough mustard and mayonnaise. (The charge for all of this will be on your credit card bill, which will be way too much.)

2 If you are going to a drive-through, do not answer “yes” to any questions regarding quantity. If you do, at best, you will spend more and eat more. At worst, the three-week exercise program that had you feeling good will now need a reset. (How can something that only weighs twelve ounces put three pounds on your frame?)

1 If you are going to a drive-through, don’t wait until you get to the order spot to decide you are a vegan. If you do, at best, there will be nothing on the menu for you. At worst, the cars behind you will raise an uproar as you search for an acceptable item. (That police officer heading toward you is responding to the manager who finally gave up asking you for your order.)

123 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through”

  3. I’m positive I’ve been behind people that have done one or all of these things. Some don’t have a clue what they want and spend ten minutes staring at the menu. Good one, John!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. #4 is the challenge. Most drive-thrus here go right into the street with no place to pull over and check. McDonald’s and Arbys might be the only two that aren’t like that here. Can’t do it at the windows either because of the line.

    Liked by 1 person

      2. On occasion, I’ve been known to collect my coins from the floor, cubby holes, between the seats, behind the seats…if you’re ever in line waiting, this image will occupy you mind😂

        Liked by 2 people

        5. I carry a dog treat pouch on my belt for training purposes. It comes in handy for coins. But, man, it just slows down the hunt for coins. I get the strangest looks when I handle the cashier 59 cents and 3 kibbles…👀

          Liked by 2 people

        10. A number of years ago I met an old gentleman at a social event and asked him, “how are you” and he replied, “I’m on the right side of the grass “. I thought that was the perfect answer. Have a good evening, John. Starting tomorrow, I’ll use my credit card so as not to keep you and Liz waiting at the drive through. Maybe I’ll just throw a bill and tell them to keep the change.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Yes, it’s called a zip loc bag , small size to fit in the bottom cubby hole (compartment, for you modern type). However, I still miss the bag at times and have to search the floor. Do you have any idea how bad a penny looks after spending winter under the gas pedal?

          Liked by 1 person

  11. It’s been a while since I was in one of those lines, but you’ve resurrected memories of waiting for someone to decide what he or she wants to order. I’m sure they were angels meant to teach me patience — but I failed that lesson. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Interesting list, John, and I’m pretty sure the violators all live here! I’m especially annoyed when they get the order wrong and I get all the way home, only to find out there’s tartar sauce (yuck!) on my fish sandwich, ha!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I wish I had time for #4 before driving off. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the wrong thing. The price of convenience it seems. I think you got the top ten covered and some laughs in there too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I want to eat a vegan Big Mac. Okay, I want to eat a vegan Big Mac that tastes exactly like a real Big Mac. Okay, I just want a Big Mac, hold the vegan.

    Love list, Jefe

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Pingback: Smorgasbord Blogger Weekly 25th June 2022 – #Poetrycontest Colleen Chesebro, #DriveThrues John Howell, #Runes Jan Sikes, #Reviews Diana Peach, #Funnies The Story Reading Ape, #TenThings Marcia Meara and Alex Craigie | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

  38. Did you see that clip of an episode of Undercover Boss. It was some burger franchise (I forget which one) and it was during the peak busy time. The boss was was so flustered, the manager (who didn’t know who he was and was young enough to be his youngest son) had to calm him down and was very patient explaining the ropes to him. And I must stress that this was not a put-on. The boss really didn’t know the first thing about his restaurant. Probably had his general manager deliver bags of money to him at the end of every day. Anyway … the best part was when the boss was taking orders for the drive-thru and the person ordered a cheese burger and fries. The boss said, and I quote, “Do you want cheese with that?”

    P.S.: I didn’t say anything about how funny your post was because everyone else did. But I like your Top Ten so much I always save them. Sometimes I get busy and can’t get to them right away. But they’re not going anywhere until I’ve read them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love the comment, Andrew. I’m glad you like them and it’s nice hearing so. I didn’t see that episode but I hope the undercover boss saw fit to reward the kid.

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