Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

 

This list appeared on November 23, 2015. Since parents are still having kids, I think it might be useful

* * *

This list was inspired by watching new parents having some challenges with raising their kids. Unfortunately, sometimes the stress was self-induced, and some good counseling could have avoided the scene.

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent

10 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think your child needs to be the first in your circle to do everything. If you do, at best, you will be headed for some disappointment. At worst, you will spend needless cash on child and adult psychologists seeking explanations for unnecessary problems. (Have you ever met an adult who wasn’t potty trained?)

9 If you are a new first-time parent, do not dress your child as an adult. If you do, at best, your friends will think you missed something in your childhood. At worst, your child will notice they are a little out of place with the other kids leading to other self-image issues. (The first hint is when your five-year-old asks for a Porsche for Christmas)

8 If you are a new first-time parent, do not take your toddler to an elegant restaurant for a late-night dinner. If you do, at best, your child will be miserable being up too late in an unfamiliar environment. At worst, the rest of the restaurant patrons will draw straws to see who calls Child Protective Services. (You are used to the crying, right?)

7 If you are a new first-time parent, do not stress over preschool choices. If you do, at best, you will need medication to get through the process. At worst, you will become so obsessed with the so-called right school that you will never be satisfied if you are not successful in enrolling your child. (Isn’t preschool supposed to be enjoyable?)

6 If you are a new first-time parent, do not worry about the nursery’s color. If you do, at best, your child will not notice the color for a few months. At worst, your worry will be another stress point that a newborn will recognize. (So you have a boy in pink and a girl in blue. Only your in-laws will care.)

5 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy quantities of clothes and accessories thinking you are saving money. If you do, at best, your child will outgrow the stuff in a month or two, and you will be able to return the excess. At worst, you lose your receipt and find yourself cutting off the feet of onesies so you won’t have to throw them away. (That Costco run really didn’t pay, did it?)

4 If you are a new first-time parent, do not read a bunch of childcare books. If you do, at best, you will be totally confused about what to do. At worst, you will have contradictory opinions, and you will need to toss a coin to decide. (Trust a coin on a fever cause and treatment? I don’t think so)

3 If you are a new first-time parent, do not believe you have to record every minute of the child’s life. If you do, at best, you will watch your child grow up through the camera viewfinder. At worst, your child will think life is only real if it is captured on film. (Maybe put the camera down and pick up the kid.)

2 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy toys that are not age-appropriate. If you do, at best, your child will not play with them. At worst, you’ll enjoy playing with the toys and be accused of purchasing the toys on purpose. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)

1 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think you will have to survive on little sleep for the rest of your life. If you do, at best, you will think you need to run away. At worst, you will want to take the child to the pediatric return desk only to find it doesn’t exist. (Don’t worry, the lack of sleep thing only lasts a couple of years – uh, maybe eighteen)

122 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent”

  12. I’m dog sitting this week, there were quite a few wake ups doing that for the first time a couple of years ago. I never had a dog growing up so hadn’t thought what I’d do with the dog when I got to shops and realised I couldn’t take her inside. I didn’t dare leave her tied up outside because a) I didn’t know how she’d behave and b) I was scared someone would take her, then having to explain that to the owner! At least you can take babies inside lol.

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  13. It’s been a while since Domer was a wee one, but this list brings it all back. Sometimes I wonder how new parents get over the drama! Thanks, John, for reminding us to be grateful for every stage in life!

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  14. I can relate to the restaurant thing (not as a parent). A couple was seated nearby with their child who had learned to scream. They thought it was funny. No one else did. My eight-year-old niece was with us. She put her hands over her ears. I was wishing I could do the same thing!

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  16. So much wisdom in here, John. First-time parenting isn’t easy and there’s no sense in making it more tiring than it needs to be. I really liked #1 – it does get better and a good night’s sleep will return.

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  21. We learned quickly that diapers replace going out to eat just for the hell of it. And novel treats like baby Nike shoes, they were purchased by others as we didn’t regard the frill of it all to jibe with our budget, LOL

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  22. These are very sound, as I am now living through the early development of both a granddaughter and a grandson. The two sets of parents are very different. All of your advice is eminently sound – As a first-time parent I semi-violated #9, dressing my son in little outfits – my day care giver told me to bring him in pajamas! And we did take our three-month-old son to an elegant restaurant. He slept the whole time, but we learned if he was awake to eat in shifts.

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  24. I found this one to be kind of sad and true: your child will think life is only real if it is captured on film. I wonder if this was the starting point of the social media FOMO of the present-day humans…
    By the way, how does one become a ‘new’ first-time parent?

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    1. The word should have been “recent” instead of “new” but since I have to pay a headline fee by the letter I decided to take a short cut. This is a sad but true situation with the photo world. Thanks, Ankur.

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  27. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Are A New First-Time Parent - A Little TOO Picture Imperfect

  28. There are a few first-time parents who don’t understand the baby late night restaurant thing… much to everyone else in the restaurant’s chagrin…
    I agree with Pamela – this list should be handed to the parents when they are sent home with their new baby 😉

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        6. 🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋
          Sorry, my electric EMOgee slingshot went off by accident. Pardon…. damn thing… I knew I should have sprung for a more expensive model!
          Yes, no more animals. It overloads the darn dispensing devices!

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        7. 🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋🐂🦓💋How do you like my EMOgee bomber. ✈️ Got it from Target since ACME was on backorder

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        10. YES!
          Well, Marina’s Hera just sent me kisses 💋. There’s loving slobber everywhere. The sponges are all soaked.
          I’m loading my EMOgee electronic slingshot with WET SPONGES!
          Good Luck!
          I’m giving your emoji attack to the wildlife preserve. Hopefully they will fit in with real animals!
          🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋🧽🧽🧽💋

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        11. Oh yeah. Take this 🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🐂🦓💋🧹🧽🛀

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        12. Alright! You and your new flight bomber. I’ll think of something! BTW laughing at the 1 tub at the end. LOL!
          💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋
          (Sent by iLaunch virtual love machine.
          I dug it out of my retired tech!)

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        13. I like that machine. Seems to have the right spirit. Here’s a shot from the boomerang machine 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

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        14. Ah, there’s nothing like old tech! It was a kinder and more gentle world!
          Slingin’ some back at ya! 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

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        16. Hmm, I don’t have one of those.
          I’ll have to use balls! ⚽️💋💋💋💋🏀💋💋💋💋🏈💋💋💋💋🏐💋💋💋💋🏉💋💋💋💋

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        18. Hmmm…. it appears you have some hard balls in there?
          Playing hard ball are you?
          Never mind! I’m going to start the cartoon post. I’ll get you back there!!!! HA!!!!
          xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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        22. AH! Well he’s got a bomb, and he’s in the alley.
          I’ve got some cool toons here.
          So, yesterday I was in an alley about 1 1/2 miles from here. WOW!!! Freshly painted, for a couple of blocks. There’s some amazing art & cartoons in there. It was too, sunny to take pics, shadows from trees everywhere.
          I’ll see what I can get tomorrow (partly sunny, so I have to stand and wait sometimes for cloud cover to move in). It might take a couple of trips in to get all of the art.
          There won’t be any partly cloudy/sunny days until next Thursday.
          I’m beside myself.
          OH… there appears to be a guy turning into the wabbit.
          The post will be very creative, and will take me a bit of time to finesse.
          xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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        24. 💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂💋🐂

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        25. I’m smothered in kisses and oxen. I got to find a shovel quick. I’m going to send you some hugs. 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 🐻🐼 As a reminder don’t feed them. 🐝

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        28. Okay, I’m exhausted. Traipsing alleys is too, much fun! Found some great art.
          John, I have enough art to post for 2 years. Thing is, I post my faves then get greedy for more faves. So the rest languishes.
          Anyway, I need to focus. I’ve got John II started, and a couple from today that I’m chomping at the ox yoke to post.
          Riddle:
          When is an ox not an ox?
          When it’s a hug and a kiss!!!!!
          I’ll be by tomorrow! ox ox ox ox ox ox

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        34. John, how am I supposed to clean this up? I only have room for 4 🐂en in the back yard. (standing room only)
          Of course when it comes to 💋es, I’ve got room aplenty!
          I’ll be back. I’m going to work on the post for a bit.
          💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋 OXEN!!!!

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  30. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent – Sheaxzyd

    3. 👽 🤡 👮‍♂️ 🧵 🧑🏻‍🚒 🙈 🙉 🙊 🌭 🍔 🍟 🍕 ⚰️ 🈴 ↩️ ⏏️ 🥃 🍸 🍹 🚷 Well I think you said “A child needs help to determine what it wants to do in life and there are many choices. As parents we must hear, see or speak no evil on the path to adulthood that they must undertake. Favorite food helps them grow and feel part of the family. Even those no longer with us. If the house becomes disrupted try a redo of the situation. If that doesn’t work pause for a stiff drink of an adult beverage and continue to self medicate until the evil spirits are stopped.

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