Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Mirko Fabian on Unsplash
This post ran on February 23, 2015, but I think it will still be helpful should you ever get nominated for an Oscar.
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Since next Sunday is the Oscar ceremony, I thought it would be nice to provide all of you Oscar nominees (You know, Best Screenplay from a novel) with a list of what not to do if you should attend the Oscar ceremonies. This list was inspired by witnessing several cringe-worthy moments during previous Oscar broadcasts. I hope you enjoy it (and heed the warnings when it is your time to accept)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

10 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not look at your seatmate and mouth the words out loud that belong to the initials NFW. If you do, at best, the bleep and commentators’ comments will stay on YouTube for half a century. At worst, the FCC will present you with a bill representing the fine for a worldwide violation of on-air decency, along with instructions on how to answer the charges levied by no less than thirty countries.

9 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not rely on the tape applied to your daring dress by the designer to withstand the jumping up and down associated with the excitement of the win. If you do, at best, you might have to react quickly to stay covered. At worst, you might have a wardrobe malfunction that happens so fast the network cannot eliminate it from the broadcast that is being viewed by your entire family, including great grandpa Jerkins, who has been known to use the switch on the kids when they are bad.

8 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not carry a cheat sheet with all the names of the people you must thank. If you do, at best, you will look like someone who has no idea who to thank. At worst, you will miss someone you should have included on the list, and they will hate you forever.

7 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to present a category, make sure you know how to pronounce everyone’s name. If you don’t, at best, you will make a small mistake no one recognizes. At worst, you will mispronounce a name or two, and the video will be the one chosen to be sent into space as the iconic non-verbal depiction of a buffoon on Earth.

6 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to walk the red carpet, do not fall down. If you do, at best, you will have to answer reporter’s questions continually all night about “your accident” as if you had wet your pants. At worst, the video will be made into a gif and will loop on the Today Show website for a year.

5 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not allow anyone to over-serve you. If you do, at best, you will make some small mistakes that only your mother will notice. At worst, during your big moment you will take the opportunity to explain to the audience and the rest of the world how schuper schuper happy you are ta be part of the wonder-ful Hollywoot shoe and how y’wissh ta thank allllllll the little little people who schacrificed to get you where you are now. (no typos here, all intended) Your performance will be nominated to be the new public service announcement for a twelve-step program.

4 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think Will Smith will be at all entertained with any Chris Rock mentions. If you mention the unfortunate slap, at best, you might just get a cold stare. At worst, you could be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich coming out of nowhere and without any mayo.

3 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think you should wear anything other than formal wear. If you wear something else, At best, most attendees will assume you work in the kitchen. At worst, the jokes said behind your back will end up on the Stephen Colbert show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me, no one is laughing with you)

2 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think wearing an experimental hairstyle will make you noticed in a positive way. If you do, at best, your hairstyle will be a topic on the following “What not to wear at the Oscars” edition of Here’s Hollywood. At worst, someone will want to touch the creation, and you will allow them to do so since you think they are a big producer, only to find out later they park the cars.

1 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not try to get yourself in front of every camera. If you do, at best, the producer will switch cameras the minute they see you on the monitor. At worst, although you thought each shot was magnificent, it appears you had a piece of spinach from the oysters Rockefeller stuck in your front teeth, making you look like a character out of the movie Deliverance.

74 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony”

  9. Welp.. the chances of me being invited to the Oscars as a guest, never mind presenter or winner, are zero to none; however, should that miracle ever occur, I shall make sure to keep myself on the down-low.
    As for this year’s Oscars, I might even remember to watch the ceremony…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. A most entertaining list, John (despite it having been years since I watched the Oscars). So many possibilities for messing up when you’re surrounded by all those celebs and cameras!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh my thanks for the reminder it is coming and yes be careful what you say, wear or do.. Oh no, this would not be good:

    😂 “will end up on the Stephen Colbert show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me, no one is laughing with you)”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have gone from watching the outfits on the women to watching which male chose to go with dress shoes and no socks. When did that become a thing?!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Spinach? I’ll have to remember not to eat it, if – in another lifetime – an Oscar is bestowed. Hilarious, John, as always! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. So my denim overalls and red blood donor t-shirt wouldn’t be appropriate? Dang, then I won’t go even if they beg me. 😉 Great list, John! I do hope the attendees manage to avoid another Smith-Rock kerfuffle.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I witnessed (#7) when a presenter seriously butchered one of the nominees. I would have thought that would never happen with something of this magnitude. I felt empathy for the presenter. We all make mistakes, but what’s worse than doing it in front of millions of people?

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