Photo by Mirko Fabian on Unsplash
Since next Sunday is the Oscar ceremony, I thought it would be nice to provide all of you Oscar nominees (You know, Best Screenplay from a novel) with a list of what not to do if you should attend the Oscar ceremonies. This list was inspired by witnessing several cringe-worthy moments during previous Oscar broadcasts. I hope you enjoy it (and heed the warnings when it is your time to accept)
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony
10 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not look at your seatmate and mouth the words out loud that belong to the initials NFW. If you do, at best, the bleep and commentators’ comments will stay on YouTube for half a century. At worst, the FCC will present you with a bill representing the fine for a worldwide violation of on-air decency, along with instructions on how to answer the charges levied by no less than thirty countries.
9 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not rely on the tape applied to your daring dress by the designer to withstand the jumping up and down associated with the excitement of the win. If you do, at best, you might have to react quickly to stay covered. At worst, you might have a wardrobe malfunction that happens so fast the network cannot eliminate it from the broadcast that is being viewed by your entire family, including great grandpa Jerkins, who has been known to use the switch on the kids when they are bad.
8 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not carry a cheat sheet with all the names of the people you must thank. If you do, at best, you will look like someone who has no idea who to thank. At worst, you will miss someone you should have included on the list, and they will hate you forever.
7 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to present a category, make sure you know how to pronounce everyone’s name. If you don’t, at best, you will make a small mistake no one recognizes. At worst, you will mispronounce a name or two, and the video will be the one chosen to be sent into space as the iconic non-verbal depiction of a buffoon on Earth.
6 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to walk the red carpet, do not fall down. If you do, at best, you will have to answer reporter’s questions continually all night about “your accident” as if you had wet your pants. At worst, the video will be made into a gif and will loop on the Today Show website for a year.
5 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not allow anyone to over-serve you. If you do, at best, you will make some small mistakes that only your mother will notice. At worst, during your big moment you will take the opportunity to explain to the audience and the rest of the world how schuper schuper happy you are ta be part of the wonder-ful Hollywoot shoe and how y’wissh ta thank allllllll the little little people who schacrificed to get you where you are now. (no typos here, all intended) Your performance will be nominated to be the new public service announcement for a twelve-step program.
4 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think Will Smith will be at all entertained with any Chris Rock mentions. If you mention the unfortunate slap, at best, you might just get a cold stare. At worst, you could be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich coming out of nowhere and without any mayo.
3 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think you should wear anything other than formal wear. If you wear something else, At best, most attendees will assume you work in the kitchen. At worst, the jokes said behind your back will end up on the Stephen Colbert show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me, no one is laughing with you)
2 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think wearing an experimental hairstyle will make you noticed in a positive way. If you do, at best, your hairstyle will be a topic on the following “What not to wear at the Oscars” edition of Here’s Hollywood. At worst, someone will want to touch the creation, and you will allow them to do so since you think they are a big producer, only to find out later they park the cars.
1 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not try to get yourself in front of every camera. If you do, at best, the producer will switch cameras the minute they see you on the monitor. At worst, although you thought each shot was magnificent, it appears you had a piece of spinach from the oysters Rockefeller stuck in your front teeth, making you look like a character out of the movie Deliverance.
Fiction Favorites 
Not that I’ll ever have to use this list, John, but it’s a good one.
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You never know, Dan
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That’s why I return my invitation every year. Makes me wonder if I actually own too much flannel.
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Ha ha ha.
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I don’t watch the Oscars, but I thank you for the laughs!
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Glad you got some.
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Yes, this will come in handy. Probably. Evenually. Thanks!
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Yes indeed. That’s the spirit.
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I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars, but the list is good. Say ‘Oscar’ to me, and I think of weiners.
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Or a poor little calf.
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This was wildly entertaining, John. 🙂
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I’m glad you liked it Kymber.
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John, this was hilarious!!
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Glad you liked it, Jennie. I had fun doing it.
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Your fun doing it shined giant sunbeams.
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😁
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It’s funny thinking of movie stars making those idiotic moves. 😁
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Well ,of course with me it is a lot of fiction but it could happen. Thanks, Tim.
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Welp.. the chances of me being invited to the Oscars as a guest, never mind presenter or winner, are zero to none; however, should that miracle ever occur, I shall make sure to keep myself on the down-low.
As for this year’s Oscars, I might even remember to watch the ceremony…
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You never know so keep this list handy.
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Right!
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Didn’t realize it was Oscar season. Shows how little I’m paying attention.
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Well it is not too important after all.
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A most entertaining list, John (despite it having been years since I watched the Oscars). So many possibilities for messing up when you’re surrounded by all those celebs and cameras!
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Yes there are so many opportunities.
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Still waiting for my invite but I will be sure to keep this list handy John!😂
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It is in the mail I’m sure.
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Oh my thanks for the reminder it is coming and yes be careful what you say, wear or do.. Oh no, this would not be good:
😂 “will end up on the Stephen Colbert show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me, no one is laughing with you)”
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Fun time for sure.
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I have gone from watching the outfits on the women to watching which male chose to go with dress shoes and no socks. When did that become a thing?!
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I think for a while. You know how hard it is to get the right shade of black.
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hahah!! Spoken like a true fashion plate.
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My socks tend to clash with my tux, so I have taken to wearing red socks. Makes it look like I did it on purpose.
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I think we need more photos of you taking Twiggy for a walk…
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😁
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My suggestion: do not go to or watch an Oscar ceremony. That way you can stay sane.
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Ha ha ha. Good advice for sure.
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Spinach? I’ll have to remember not to eat it, if – in another lifetime – an Oscar is bestowed. Hilarious, John, as always! 😂
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Yes that spinach salad is a landmine waiting for you to stumble across it. Thanks, Gwen. 😁
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😁
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😊
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For me, I really love watching the nominees who don’t get the award…sometimes that is better acting than what they did in their film. Great list, John!
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Yeah the old smile like it was painted on. Thanks, Bruce.
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Snicker…all great (and still valid) advice! Happy Oscar week.
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Thank you, Monika. 😊
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I doubt I’ll ever need this advice, but you never know. Great list!
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You never know. I can see a Sikes book to movie deal.
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I sure am glad I don’t have to worry about committing a faux pas whilst attending the Oscar ceremony! So many different ways to go terribly wrong.
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My favorite would be trailing bathroom tissue up on the stage. I don’t think it has happened yet but there is still time. 😊
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Along the same lines, getting the back of one’s dress caught in one’s underwear would be a faux pas for an Oscar winner as well.
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Yes. A good one.
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All good advice, John 🙂 I can already picture my dress!
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So my denim overalls and red blood donor t-shirt wouldn’t be appropriate? Dang, then I won’t go even if they beg me. 😉 Great list, John! I do hope the attendees manage to avoid another Smith-Rock kerfuffle.
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If you put on a tie you’ll be okay. I hope they avoid that too.
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I laughed over so many of these, John. I could see plenty of them happening to me if I ever attended – good thing I won’t have to worry about that!
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You never know. I sure would like to see you up there making a faux pas.
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Of all your lists, this will be the easiest to follow (because I won’t be attending the Oscars!)
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Well darn. Okay then.
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I witnessed (#7) when a presenter seriously butchered one of the nominees. I would have thought that would never happen with something of this magnitude. I felt empathy for the presenter. We all make mistakes, but what’s worse than doing it in front of millions of people?
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That would be something.
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You can get overserved at the Golden Globes, and they clearly have done it, but not the Oscars.
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I would say that not able to be overserved definitely puts a crimp in our humor possibilities
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Especially with these awards shows. They tend to be snoozers.
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For sure. I used to watch the Oscars but fell out many years ago.
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Good to know! 🎭😁🙏🏻
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Yes so now you have the information when it is your turn to hit the stage.
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Should an invitation arrive, I am now prepared. 😅🙏🏻
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Excellent
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It took me twenty minutes to figure out what NFW meant. So, you can go FYS.
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Nice. That’s about all I can do these days.
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Sorry about the go FYS. I should restrain myself at times. But you kids with your acronyms drive me crazy.
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I thought it was pretty funny.
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A really useful list, John! You never know…
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No you never know. 😊
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