Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Pauline Loroy on Unsplash

This post was published on January 4, 2016. Since we all go to bookstores, it may be helpful.

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This list is inspired by observing some pretty unusual things on bookstore visits. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore

10 In a bookstore, do not set up a Coleman lantern next to the most comfortable chair. If you do, at best, you will tip off the store personnel that you intend to overnight. At worst, once set up there is no way you can leave the chair without someone else jumping into your spot. (That double shot low foam latte is now calling on you for relief)

9 In a bookstore, do not decide to skim through a couple of rare books while eating a brownie. If you do, at best, you’ll be able to avoid the discovery of the brown frosting spot on page 121. At worst, you are now looking at buying a book whose price tag makes your monthly food expense look cheap. (Hard to eat a book, right?)

8 In a bookstore, do not wear your jammies or bunny feet onesie, and carry your Dachshund. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to stay in the juvenile section to quell the laughter. At worst, the store manager will place a call to the local mental health provider requesting an intervention. (Before that, the store seemed just like home, didn’t it?)

7 In a bookstore, do not decide to review a book using your out loud voice. If you do, at best, the rest of the patrons will ask the manager to throw you out. At worst, your review may not sit well with one individual who happens to be the brother of the best-selling author of the title, “Fear No One: Bare Handed Self Defense.” (He really does have big hands, doesn’t he?)

6 In a bookstore, do not spend hours looking at the magazines. If you do, at best, you may be taken for a homeless person in need of an offer of a free cup of coffee. At worst, you may be mistaken for a secret agent who has been waiting for the contact person now being interrogated by Homeland Security. (What do you mean by a phone call?)

5 In a bookstore, do not think you can do all your reading for free. If you do, at best, you will be eventually recognized and asked to leave. At worst, the security camera has recorded all the times you made a margin note or bent a page, and your bill is now overdue. (You should have worn a mask. Right Sparky?)

4 In a bookstore, do not try to sneak into the erotic section. If you do, at best, store personnel will think you’re going to steal something. At worst, the security department will hold its breath, hoping you will make a fool of yourself on camera. (You know Erotica is a genre, right? No need to sneak.)

3 In a bookstore, do not ask the manager to stock your book as if you’re a reader and not the author. If you do, at best, the manager will ignore your request. At worst, the manager will ask for your name and telephone number so he can call you when the book comes in. (Wow, that was embarrassing)

2 In a bookstore, do not ask the clerk if the price of the discounted book is the best they can do. If you do, at best, the person will confirm the price as firm. At worst, the clerk will call the manager, who will make a note of your request and politely inform you that the price is firm while memorizing your face for the next encounter. (After all, this place is not a flea market)

1 In a bookstore, do not come back for a while if you are greeted by name as if you are walking into Cheers bar. If you do, at best, you are recognized as a good customer, and it’s okay. At worst, the store personnel have your number; you might want to take the hint. (After three days, fish and guests start to smell alike)

 

110 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore”

  2. Awww man, so I can’t go to the book store and read aloud while wearing my pajamas for 3 days straight while also reading all the magazines?! lol not even if I pay for a cup of coffee? Dang! 😂 Happy Manic Monday! ☕️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’ve seen all done except the lantern and brownie. I could hang out in a bookstore all day, but I know how it looks, so I grab the best 5 books I like and checkout of there!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m not sure about the Coleman lantern, but I’m fairly certain everything else you’ve listed has taken place in our local half-price book emporium. Even if they don’t carry truly rare books, there can be some real finds there.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. As usual, your observations are right on target! I’ve certainly seen folks “camped out” for too long in one section or another, with what I imagine are no intentions of making a purchase. The jammies and brownie though? Nope, I’ve missed those!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. No chocolate and pjs?!? Darn, John.

    I once did have a prospective customer leave chocolate fingerprints while browsing my books at a bookstore signing. He was oblivious, and I ended up gifting him the ruined book. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Imaginative twist of the plausible and you have got to be kidding me. If you even think about chocolate while reading a brand new book, it will somehow materialize on your fingers, leave a brown smudge on a previously immaculate page.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Good ones, John, and I am guilty of a few (not the erotic section one!). We had a wonderful old bookstore here when we first moved to Chapel Hill (long since gone) that had comfortable with lovely squeaky wooden floors.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Funny list, John! Number 5 evoked a memory of visiting the Borders bookstore (RIP) and finding a college friend in the cafe area, surrounded by stacks of books. She was doing research for a paper and, no, she told me, she wasn’t going to buy all the books. Just reference them and put them back. I thought people only did that at libraries where you expect to books that have been handled multiple times by multiple people 😉

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  26. Hee, hee…those were great, John. When I still worked, I used to spend my lunch hours at either the Barnes & Noble or one of the best independent bookstores in the country (The Tattered Cover). One was at one end of the mall, the other was at the other end. I got exercise getting to them and a real joy to peruse the stacks. Fun times…then I had to go back to work (ugh). LOL

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Especially when you work for the devil. 😉 Those two bookstores were a sanctuary and and escape for me for at least one hour every time I visited them. My favorite place was to get lost in the travel section and dream of places to visit.

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  27. This is one of your best Top Ten lists, John. It’s getting harder and harder to find book stores. That makes me a little sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Your post brought smiles and nostalgia, John. I miss roaming through bookstores. I’ve not seen one since moving to Northern AZ. Sad but true.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. All sound advice, John!!! I shall remember these, but so far, in my decades of weekly trips to Barnes & Noble, I don’t think I’ve done any of these things! I have, however, fallen asleep in one of the comfy chairs while perusing a stack of books … and snored!!! 🫣

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  35. I do kinda like the idea of bringing my own chair and a lantern but you’re right, that kind of thing never does end well. As for feeling comfy? That’s what home is for, so no fluffy slippers or PJ’s until I’m home.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Re: #3

    I was walking by a nice little bookstore in a strange town the other night and on whim, I thought I’d go in and ask if they had any books by Andrew Joyce.

    Then sanity prevailed and I went to the Irish pub next door and had a pint of Guinness. It was so much more satisfying than hearing: “Andrew who?”

    Liked by 1 person

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