Image by Ralph Drasba from Pixabay
This list was published by Marie Ann Bailey and me in November 2013. Since a lot of companies are asking workers to come back to the office from the bedroom, this list may be helpful.
10 When commuting to work by car, do not apply mascara or use an electric razor while driving. The former situation will have you likely wind up with a mascara brush sticking out of your eye as you slam on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of you which decided to stop for the red light. The latter situation could cause you to shave up the side of your head, giving you a “hair style” unacceptable to your boss or to several urban gangs.
9 When commuting to work by car, refrain from driving like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. At best, you’ll just wind up stopped at the next intersection while everyone behind you throws daggers at you with their eyes or maybe even for real. At worst, you’ll wind up alongside the road being attended to by a traffic officer eager to make his quota early, with everyone passing you with smiles of glee as they know you are getting your just desserts.
8 When commuting to work by car, refrain from listening to state or national news on your radio. Screaming expletives at the top of your lungs might make your fellow commuters worry that you are having a meltdown, at which point they will call the local police, who will only add to your near blood-boiling frustration by pulling you over and making you late for work, not to mention the possibility of you failing the “walk the line test” even though you haven’t been drinking.
7 When commuting to work by car, do not think you are encouraging the driver ahead of you to go faster by following them so closely that you can see yourself in their rear view mirror. Chances are they will suddenly step on the brake and cause you to read-end them which will result in (1) serious damage to your nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was) and/or (2) serious damage to their nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was).
6 When commuting to work by car, do not try to eat your breakfast and drive at the same time. At best, you’ll just gross people out when they see you stuff a double-Egg McMuffin in your mouth. At worst, the coffee you start to sip in order to wash down the Egg McMuffin will wind up covering your nice white shirt or blouse when you suddenly have to step on the brake to avoid hitting someone pulling out of a McDonald’s in front of you.
5 When commuting to work by car, avoid the temptation to pick your nose, pop a pimple, or check your teeth while waiting for a green light. With your luck, the other commuters viewing your activities will likely be attending the same business meeting that you have scheduled that morning, only their role will be as a grossed out customer.
4 When commuting to work by car, do not try to read The Wall Street Journal or finish that last chapter of your book while driving. With the former, you may wind up with a face full of newsprint when you rear-end the person in front of you and your airbag engages. At worst, you’ll never get to finish the book because the traffic cop saw you reading, pulled you over, and then confiscated your book (because, of course, it had been on his to-read list).
3 When commuting to work by car, do not expect to have a smooth commute when you’re running 15 minutes late for a meeting with the CEO of your company. Do expect that the city utility vehicles will be out in full force, trimming trees and picking up yard waste on every street that is normally part of your commute, making your commute time double and your chances of being fired triple.
2 When commuting to work by car, do not expect that your fellow commuters will be understanding if you alternate between speeding and slowing down because you are trying to check your text messages before you get to your office. At best, you’ll have some near-misses as commuters try to get around you and put distance between your bad driving and theirs. At worst, the same traffic cop that pulled you over in #4 and #9 will be more than happy to pull you over again since you are single-handedly helping the officer meet a quota.
1 When commuting to work by car, do not treat your driving as a right, but rather as a privilege which can be taken away at any moment for bad behavior. At best, you’ll rack up more fines and fees in a month than you pay in car insurance in a year. At worst, well, bad driving can lead to bad things happening to other people or to you. Be mindful. Be aware. Drive safely.
Fiction Favorites 
I can remember driving to work, and I must admit to speeding just a little when the roads were empty. I loved driving my car, and still miss it like crazy…
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I like driving mine. My license is up for renewal when I turn 87. I have to take both a written and a driving test.
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I am now green with envy, John… enjoy it while you can…
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I will. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. 😀
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I love that, John… and it is so true…
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😊
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Impressive writeup
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Thanks
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I sure am glad I don’t have a work commute anymore!
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Me too. When I lived in Northern California, I had an hour and a half each way.
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When I worked on the Naval Amphibious Base in Norfolk, I had to commute on I-64, which bottlenecked. By the time I got to work, I was so aggravated from fighting the traffic I felt like punching someone in the face. Not a good way to start the day for an academic advisor who was supposed to be patient and help people.
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I would love to have been your first appointment in those days
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I had to call upon all of my acting chops, believe me!
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Ha ha ha.
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I think I saw all of these in my years behind the wheel, John. I will admit to violating #4. In my first job out of college, I commuted to New Jersey over the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. The lines at the toll booths were so long and moved so slow, men walked through them selling the Times and the WSJ. I’d buy a copy of the WSJ and at least consume the front page before getting through.
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I was hit from behind at the toll booth on I 95 near Greenwich. The guy was drinking coffee and reading the Journal. Nobody was hurt, and I had to laugh after it was over.
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Yikes.
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When I commuted up north I saw just about all of these in action – especially when it rained!
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Yeah, me too. Rain was the worst.
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Guilty as charged of a few of these doozies. I might add Do Not text at a stop sign as your foot might slide off the peddle for just a second and you’ll slide into someone who might get out of the car and claim the dent that was there was done by you even though you kissed the car. Ugh.. happened that way but they carried on as soon as I brought it to their attention. Don’t text stopped at a light. 💡
😱
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I have been a firm believer in not texting in the car, period. Drives me nuts when someone in front of me doesn’t realize the light has changed.
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You are so right! Point well taken and schooled! One time was enough for me! 😎
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😊
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Good tips. I’m about to start my commute here. Maybe I should print this to review while driving.
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Ha ha ha. Good luck on the commute. Some audiobooks could help.
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And yet, I keep witnessing a bunch of these! So many are still texting as they drive, as well. It’s crazy.
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I know. I see a lot of that just around town. There are so many hands-free apps, I just can’t figure out why folks still put all our lives at risk doing it.
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Here, it will cost you 4 demerit points if you are caught with your phone in your hands… I know first-hand!
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Oops. Well, I’ll bet you don’t do that anymore. 😊
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Worst part was I wasn’t talking on it, just holding it!
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Oh no. 😱
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Indeed!
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😊
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I giggled at #8. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing the dude who just passed you, going 85 in a 50 mph zone, pulled over by an officer not a quarter mile down the road.
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I agree. I was on 281 in San Antonio, and a guy in a truck gave me the bird as he finally stopped tailgating and pulled around to pass. The road was wet, and he fishtailed, ending up on the median metal wire. He wasn’t hurt, and I felt karma was beautiful.
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You hit the nails on the heads with this one, John. We have a law that says you can’t text and drive here, and no one obeys it.
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Of course they don’t. Thanks, Noelle.
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My parents were prescient when they told me after I got my driver’s license to drive as if everyone else on the road was an idiot.
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They actually had a great knowledge of other drivers.
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Dealt with #7 this morning. Always frustrating.
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Yup.
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You see so many people doing these crazy things.
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I know right? Thanks, Esther.
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Great advice, John. I always obeyed the speed limit, to keep in time with the stop lights timing.
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Did you know that if you go twice the speed limit, you will also keep in time with the lights. 😀
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😃 I almost always had to wait at the light for those who’d raced ahead and got the red light.
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The key is to go double the speed limit, otherwise you get caught by the red lights.
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Ouch, I well recall seeing people do too many of these during my commuting days. I suppose you could always add do NOT text on your cell phone while commuting. I know people still try that nonsense, too, and it can be deadly. Thanks for reminding me why I chose to be a solo-preneur, John!
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Always happy to remind you of good decisions, Debby.
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I don’t commute anymore but I still see too much of these behaviors when I do drive 😉 Still, a great list for reminding me of why I don’t miss commuting!
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Always happy to remind you of things that we don’t miss anymore.
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😄
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😀
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Yep #7. It is usually your fault if you rear end someone. However, there is one exception and that is a break check. If someone cuts you off and then slams the breaks a collision will be their fault. However, they need to cut to you off for it to count as a break check. If someone is tailgating it is always their fault.
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Of course, a brake check unless there are witnesses is hard to prove. That is why a dash cam makes a lot of sense. Thanks, Thomas
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Great advice, John. No Egg McMuffins in the car for me. #1 gets a thumbs up. 👍
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Ha ha ha. Thanks, Jennie.
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You’re welcome.
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😊
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I was looking for something about texting, and you did not disappoint. It amazes me that people are willing to risk their lives over a text message. What could be so crucial that you can’t look at it later? Someone rear-ended my son while looking at their phone.
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Your words are very wise, Pete. I have no idea why people text and drive.
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You and Mary Ann thought up 10 really good ones. So tempting to double task, yet so dangerous and or expensive.
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Yes double tasking can cause big regrets. Thanks, Rebecca.
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I’ve seen people putting on makeup, eating, playing on their phone, reading books/magazines/newspapers – it’s crazy. No wonder there are so many accidents.
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I know, right?
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Great list, John and well worth the repeat. LOL, I’m so glad that I don’t commute anymore. Hugs.
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Me too. It was soul sucking.
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As for 10 through 2, there is still WAY too much of that going on. Peeps would be wise to abide by number 1, for everybody’s sake.
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I agree with you.
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Nothing was worse with working than having to drive to the Temple of Doom (that’s what I called the highrise where our office occupied of the top 7 floors). I’d rather set my hair on fire than drive downtown. Thanks for the smiles. I was nodding my head in agreement with nearly all of them.
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We called our place the Death Star. So funny how we loved our work.
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Nicknames like that are probably what kept us both going and not behind bars. 😈
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Ha ha ha. So true. 😀
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Do you mean, do N O T H I N G in the car? Why drive?
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Self-driving cars are the answer. You can then go in the backseat and do whatever you wish.
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All ten are 100% right on the mark. And I love the car pictured up top there. What a beauty.
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I loved that car. 😀
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All great tips, John! Texting while driving still baffles me. Eyes can’t look in two places at once. 🙂 #1 truly ties it together perfectly. Driving is a privilege, not a right.
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Thank you, Lauren. 😀
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