The inspiration for this list has been my exposure to a number of excuses as to why things have not been fixed. Even worse were the excuses for not showing up.

10 If you need an excuse for not showing up, do not say “I got too busy.” If you do at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, you will have convinced your customer that they are last in your priority scheme. (Sooner or later you will run out of customers, Bardot.)

9 If you need an excuse for missing a birthday, Do not say, “You never age in my eyes.” If you do, at best your birthday will be payback. At worst, you’ll have a long time until forgiveness. (How’s that dog house in the winter, Bastian?)

8 If you need an excuse for being late for work, do not say, “Traffic was heavy today.” If you do, at best the boss will wonder why your co-works all made it on time. At worst, you’ll open yourself to the suggestion that you car pool with Tiny the WWF champ who like to eat garlic sandwiches for breakfast. (That gas mask just doesn’t help does it, Bennet?)

7 If you need an excuse for not buying Girl Scout cookies, do not say,” I just bought some at work.” If you do and have not, at best you’ll be found out. At worst, the scout you turned down will miss her quota by one box and will be shamed into a life of crime. (Okay maybe a little dramatic, Bertie but think of the hurt feelings.)

6 If you need an excuse for avoiding inviting the boss for dinner, do not say, “We have black mold at our house.” If you do, at best you’ll be eating your lunch alone. At worst, your boss will insist on a decontamination procedure that will leave you hairless. (Don’t worry Brandon, most of the hair will grow back over time. Sorry about that patch up front.)

5 If you need an excuse  for a dented rental car, do not say, “I have no idea how that got there.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, your insurance company will add an increment to your premium reflecting stupidity. (Should have just admitted someone hit the car huh, Brock?)

4 If you need an excuse when caught re-gifting to the person who gifted you in the first place, do not say, “I loved this and you so much I wanted you to have it back.” If you do, at best your pants will catch on fire. At worst, your ex friend will most likely throw the item at you. (You are glad it wasn’t that bar bell set you were going to palm off on him, right Bartlett?)

3 If you need an excuse when pulled over by the police for speeding, do not say, “I’ll bet you want to remind me about the policeman’s ball.” If you do, at best the officer won’t hear you. At worst, your words could be understood as offering a bribe. (Those cuffs behind the back are uncomfortable aren’t they, Barty?)

2 If you need an excuse for coming home at two o’clock in the morning smelling like a brewery do not say, “I was working late.” If you do, at best all conversation will stop until the morning. At worst, the morning conversation will be accompanied by the headache and upset stomach commonly associated with a hangover. (Why didn’t you just admit you partied too much, Buford?)

1 If you need an excuse for avoiding a visit to the in-laws do not say, “I have to work.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, since it is Sunday you’ll be caught in a fib which will take on increasingly larger proportions as the day gets longer. (How will you ever work out of this one, Belvin?)