The inspiration for this list is a result of thinking of doing home repair projects myself. This list helped me decide otherwise.
10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the while wire was dead huh, Bandos?)
9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (That last tighten move broke everything loose did it, Berto?)
8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (Hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)
7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)
6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best it will fall out while your back is turned, At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story, just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional right, Burt?)
5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, At best no one will get hurt. At worst, the job goes well until your neighbor steps off the ladder thinking he is a ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)
4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV that Hollywood walk of fame thingy looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)
3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst your scream of “timber,” is totally ignored by your house. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky isn’t it, Buzzy?)
2 If you have tile work that is necessary, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry wasn’t there, Bodie?)
1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the stong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (You can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard if you pay attention, Burl.)
Blood Match, a new thriller by Don Massenzio is currently a candidate in the Kindle Scout Program.
“I see. Well thanks for looking at my photos today”
