Since July marks the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille in 1789, I thought it would be a good idea to lay out some things not to do if you can go there and join in the fun. As you know, the Bastille was a prison that the government of the time used to incarcerate and torture political prisoners. The day is called “Bastille Day” in English (la Fête Nationale in French) and is widely recognized as the beginning of the French Revolution. If you are going, take this list. Who knows, it might just save your head. This post first ran on July 15th 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Storming the Bastille in 1789

10 If you are storming the Bastille, do not continue to carry your Vive Le Roi banner. If you do, at best, someone will take it from you. At worst, you will be associated with royalty and may become a guest of the third estate at the next guillotine party. (Why on Earth didn’t you know this was a demonstration against Louis XVI, Ike. Too many vin rouges, eh?)

9 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get in front of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, you’ll fall down, and Tiny will run over you. At worst, Tiny just left the rally where the beer was free and is anxious to grab the royal flag. (The sad thing is, Tiny is focused on getting through the locked door and is now using you like a battering ram. It should be over in a few minutes, Iggy one way or another.)

8 If you are storming the Bastille, do not count on trading stories with the Marquis de Sade, a prisoner there. If you do, at best, you’ll accept that he left ten days before. At worst, you’ll try to organize a group to storm the insane asylum where he was transferred. (You have to admit, not many want to help you, Ilias. Maybe that should give you a clue.)

7 If you are storming the Bastille, do not insist on a foie gras lunch. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the average person has no idea what a foie gras is and will think you a royalist. (Now we are back to the original invitation to the head loss party after the storming is done, Inigo. I would think you could learn something in all this.)

6 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get caught with your “Go Camera recording the whole thing. If you do, at best, you can tell them it’s a new kind of bomb, and they’ll believe you. At worst, your explanation will fall on deaf ears. (So now you are in line for the dunking chair, which is designed to get the truth out of witches. Just tell them you are a witch, Isaak. Maybe they’ll go easy on you.)

5 If you are storming the Bastille, do not say to the mob that red, white, and blue are not your colors. If you do, at best you’ll get a sympathetic colorist. At worst, you would be confessing to a bloodthirsty peasant your disdain for the tri-color, the symbol of the revolution. (Yes, his eyes are red, Isah. No, I don’t think he has allergies. I believe he is mad at you. Yeah, running may not be the answer.)

4 If you are storming the Bastille, do not stop for a café au lait and croissant. If you do, at best, you won’t be late for the storming. At worst, you’ll arrive after the storming is over and be accused of dereliction of duty. (I’ll bet you can guess what the punishment is for dereliction of duty, Iman. You got it. The big falling blade and close haircut.)

3 If you are storming the Bastille, do not try to yell “Liberté, égalité, fraternité” in French. If you do, at best, the noise will be too loud, and no one will hear you. At worst, you will be heard, and your American accent will give you away. (You wonder why everyone is so angry, Iain? They want their revolution to be theirs without interference from Americans. If you continue to try to help, you will. only to be despised later)

2 If you are storming the Bastille, do not suggest that it would make a beautiful condo after the storming. If you do, at best, folks will think you are shell-shocked. At worst, Maximilien Robespierre will overhear your idea. (You may wonder why ole Max gave you a card with the number one printed on it, Idi. You have been honored to be the first to give up your head for the revolution. There’s the guillotine line right over there. You just march right to the front. It’s your right.)

1 If you are storming the Bastille, do not throw away that stale baguette. If you do, at best, you will still have a sword. At worst, that baguette would have made an excellent weapon, and now you are defenseless. (Everyone knows that a day-old baguette can be used to drive nails, Ignace. Think of what a beautiful club it would have made.)

 

 

As we all know, this month marks the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, signed in 1776 by John Hancock and others. It would be fun to be there, but of course, there are things we should not do if we go. Take this list with you, as it may save you trouble in the long run. This post was published on July 1st, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

10 If you are at the signing, do not place that tankard of ale anywhere near the document. If you do, at best, you might leave a ring on it. At worst, a careless spill could mean doing the whole thing over. (All those signatures, not to mention the handwritten document, are now soaked, Hosa. Quit trying to clean up the mess with that lace tablecloth. You are only making it worse. It will take days to redo, and now July 4th will be on July 10th.)

9 If you are at the signing, do not go near the document as long as Tiny, the WWF champ, has been assigned the duty to protect it. If you do, at best, Tiny will issue a warning. At worst, Tiny, who just left being scolded by John Hancock for being too soft, will demonstrate his toughness for all to see. ( Trust me, you can survive the step over toe hold with a helicopter body slam finish, Houghton. You just have to relax more.)

8 If you are at the signing, do not volunteer to stand in for New York and sign on their behalf. If you do, at best you’ll be told to sit down. At worst, you will sign and cause a rift between the Continental Congress and New York. ( You see, Houston, New York made a conscious decision not to sign on July 4th because as delegates they weren’t given the go-ahead by New York leadership. They did sign on July 9th after erasing your name.)

7 If you are at the signing, do not think everyone will be signing on July 4th. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the delegation will have you tossed into the street. (Most of the signatures were not collected until copies of the declaration were circulated to the colonies, Hovhaness. The final official document was not fully signed until August 2nd. July 4th is the date that the Declaration was ratified. John Hancock signed as the leader of the Continental Congress.)

6 If you are at the signing, do not begin singing, “God Save the King.” If you do, at best, you’ll be singing alone. At worst, the delegates will take you for a crown sympathizer and ride you out of town. ( I know that rail is uncomfortable, Howahkan. Maybe next time you could pick a better song.)

5 If you are at the signing, do not give the author, Thomas Jefferson, some notes on how you think the Declaration could be improved. If you do, at best, like most authors, he will have a thick skin. At worst, since he has gone without sleep in order to finish the document, Jefferson may challenge you to a duel. (I think you should walk a mile in Thom’s shoes before leaving a review, Hrolleif.) Besides, what do you know about writing a Declaration?)

4 If you are at the signing, although tempting, do not suggest changing the word “men” to “humans.” If you do, at best, your political correctness will evoke a laugh. At worst, the authors had intended human beings to be covered by the Declaration, and now a whole new debate has ensued. (Might have been better just to say nothing, Hu. It seems the Declaration has been tabled and the delegates have dispersed. So much for not creating a time continuum event.)

3 If you are at the signing, do not offer to hold the quill pens. If you do, at best, you’ll mess up a couple of the nubs. At worst, when it comes time for John Hancock to sign, there won’t be a fine point available. (So it was you who caused John to sign in that huge manner, Hueil? All along the story, he wanted King George to be able to see his signature without wearing spectacles.)

2 If you are at the signing, do not suggest adding pizza to the preamble, which reads, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” (You have to wonder about the looks you got at the suggestion, Hugi. You should be glad nobody asked you to explain pizza.)

1 If you are at the signing, do not ask Samual Adams what his seasonal beer flavor will be this year. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are joking. At worst, he will assume you are buying the drinks and invite all the delegates to your party. ( I wonder how you are going to cover the bar bill, Hui. I’m almost positive the inn won’t take that American Express card. It might be time to hit the escape button rather than face the theft charges.)

This post is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. In 1922, the entrance to King Tutankhamen’s tomb was discovered in Egypt. It first ran on November 9th 2018

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Entering King Tut’s Tomb.

10 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not ignore the curse written on the main door. If you do, at best, it is just a practical joke. At worst, that look in the mirror ten days later will give you a hint you should have paid attention. (That dry skin mummy look is trying to give you a heads up to a problem, Faer. Better contact a shaman quickly.)

9 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not disturb that cloth-wrapped hulk with the WWF champion belt. If you do, at best, it is just a statue. At worst, the spirit of Tiny the WWF champ has been waiting centuries to body slam an opponent. (Well, you woke it up, Fagen. I think you should start looking for a soft landing spot.)

8 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not try any of the preserved food in those gold pots. If you do, at best, the food will be dust. At worst, those pickles will have a monumental repeat factor. (Stay close to the facilities, Faine. You just never know.)

7 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not sit on any of the furniture. If you do, at best, you’ll pick a solid piece. At worst, you’ll sit in a 4000-year-old chair that has seen better days. ( No need to try putting it back together, Fane. That priceless antique is now sawdust, and the curator is preparing a bill for you right now.)

6 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not touch the king’s sarcophagus with your bare hand. If you do, at best, a layer of dust will protect the finish. At worst, the oils from your skin will leave a permanent handprint on the priceless relic. (You may need to confess, Faraz. The CSI is now running the print through an identification process, which is bound to lead to you.)

5 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not pull any lever that you may come across. If you do, at best, the lever is not connected. At worst, the lever is connected to the trap door under your feet. (Falling through the dark is pretty scary, huh, Farnham. Wait until you hit bottom.)

4 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not think you can take a souvenir. If you do, at best, the security guy will tell you to put it back. At worst, you will get it home only to discover several Boris Karloff types hanging around your bedroom. (Don’t worry about these guys being see-through, Farquhar. At least they can’t hold a knife.)

3 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not forget a flashlight (electric torch). If you do, at best, someone else may have one. At worst, you’ll try using a cigarette lighter and end up falling into the coffin with the king. (You can stop screaming now, Farren. The king is not holding you down. That cover merely slammed shut. Of course, that click sound is troublesome)

2 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not take a selfie with the king. If you do, at best, the picture won’t turn out. At worst, when you look at it, the picture will have some other characters in it that you never saw. (I’m not saying the place is haunted, Farrokh but you now have captured the souls of the king”s guards. Good luck with that.)

1 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not bring your Big Gulp drink inside. If you do, at best, it will be gone before you set it down. At worst, you will set it where someone will knock it over into the King’s sarcophagus. (History records some unknown substance all over the king, Fars. Your secret is safe with us.)

 

 

This is a continuation of the Top Ten on a historical backdrop. On October 21st, after 14 months of testing, Thomas Edison first demonstrated his electric lamp, hoping to one day compete with the gaslight. We also know that Edison invented the phonograph. This was originally posted in October, 2018.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You were with Edison in 1879

10 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not say, “Watson, come here, I need you.” If you do, at best, no one will answer. At worst, you will be escorted from the room and your 100 shares of Edison stock revoked. (You somehow got Alexander Graham Bell mixed up with Edison, Frici.)

9 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not elbow Tiny the WWF champ out of the way for a better view. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who has an aversion to being touched, will use his hips to body check you out the door. (You didn’t think a big guy could move that fast, huh, Friduwulf? Too bad the door was closed when you went through it.)

8 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not touch anything before the demonstration. If you do, at best, you’ll avoid the live wire. At worst, you will inadvertently disconnect the main lead. (The test was a failure, Frisco. Thanks to you, we are all living with gas lamps today.)

7 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not tell him how to improve his speech. If you do, at best, he will do the speech the way he wrote it. At worst, he will take your suggestions. (Thanks to you, Fynbar, the electric light bulb was named by Edison as “the better mousetrap of gas lamps.”)

6 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not mention to bystanders that the British had toyed with incandescent bulbs since the 1830’s. If you do, at best, Edison won’t hear you. At worst, you’ll be talking with a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. (Well, now you’ve done it, Fernando. The headline reads “Edison steals British Idea.” Good luck with your future stock options.)

5 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not make jokes about the Edison Screw. If you do, at best, you’d better hope he doesn’t hear you. At worst, the joke carries a big laugh, and now you are unemployed. (You had no way of knowing, Francisco, that the Edison Screw is the standard setup for light bulbs and sockets. The joke was pretty funny, though.)

4 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not trip and let the only bulb fall to the floor. (If you do, at best, the carpet will prevent a disaster. At worst, the lab floor is made of concrete. (Well, there goes the demonstration, Franklin. Future generations of those who do not have General Electric to work for salute you.)

3 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest naming the company. If you do, at best, Edison will choose his own name. At worst, he will call the company after a significant advantage of the bulb. (Somehow, the Less Gas Light Company doesn’t sound too good when you say it out loud, Frankie. Let’s hope he comes to his senses.)

2 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not try to talk him out of his idea about motion pictures. If you do, at best, he will avoid you on the subject. At worst, you will be successful, and he will abandon the idea. (So where are you going with that tub of buttered popcorn, Freddy?)

1 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest that he read from the newspaper on the first recorded conversation. If you do, at best, he will choose his own literature; at worst. He will listen to you and select the classifieds. (So now the first recorded voice puts everyone to sleep, Fletcher. Mary Had a Little Lamb is so much better.)

 

This post continues the historical tableaux for the Top Ten Lists and was published on October 15, 2018. As always, I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo

10 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not volunteer to carry the French Eagle battle standard. If you do, at best, your application will be lost. At worst, every British and Prussian soldier will be trying to take it from you. (So how does it feel, Flannery, having 15,000 swords all waving at you?)

9 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not continue to try to meet Emperor Napoleon if Tiny, the WWF champ, tells you to go away. If you do at best, you may get thrown out. At worst, Tiny, who just finished his last group session on self-esteem, may think you don’t respect him. (Uh oh. Looks like Tiny is priming that musket, Floinn. Might be a good time to try out the Air Jordans.)

8 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not order Napoleon Brandy as an after-dinner drink while dining with the British Commander, the First Duke of Wellington. If you do, at best, the restaurant won’t have any. At worst, the Duke’s team will think you are a spy. (You just finished your last meal, Fonzie. I hope you enjoyed it.)

7 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not offer to be a Henry Kissinger-like peace negotiator. If you do, at best, you will cause uproarious laughter. At worst, one side will take you up on your offer. (But the other side has decided to use you as a target for practice. Might as well put that white flag down, Forrester. It’s not going to stop 15,000 lead balls heading your way.)

6 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, as the brandy example, do not order beef Wellington at Napoleon’s staff dinner. If you do, at best, they will all think they did not hear you right. At worst, someone will get the idea that it would be fun to have a duel. (Guess who has been chosen as the duellist, Fortune? Yup. Better find a second fast.)

5 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not take Emperor Napoleon’s horse for a fast getaway. If you do, at best, he has a spare. At worst, the horse has been trained to return to Napoleon with a whistle. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into, Francois. You can add horse thief to the charges of treason, sedition, and spy. Don’t worry, though, you only have one life to give.)

4 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not ask your British commander about tea time. If you do, at best, he will think you are joking. At worst, he will assign you the job of going to the French lines to get a croissant to go with the tea. (I’m not surprised the French started shooting at you, Franky. Everyone knows croissants are for breakfast, not afternoon tea.)

3 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not try speaking French to the French to be better understood. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, your BonJour greeting will be met with a hail of bullets. (I guess it is your American accent that gets in the way, Franz. Try Spanish next time.)

2 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not turn your map upside down to get a different view. If you do, at best, your general will get dizzy. At worst, the general will order the charge of the Scots Greys in the wrong direction. (Now you are charging alone in the right direction, Frazier. Good luck when you meet the French Chevau-légers of the line (lancers). They look pretty mean, too.)

1 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not keep your souvenir stand open after the first cannon salvo. If you do, at best, you will have few customers. At worst, you’ll have to take cover. (The cannonballs seem to be attracted to your stand, Freeowine. Maybe cheap, trashy gifts have that effect on hot, heavy, metal balls flying through the air.)

More of the historical backdrop for this set of Top Ten Things Not to Do. This post was published on September 24, 2018. I hope you enjoy. it