This list continues with the historical backdrop for my brand of lunacy. It first ran on September 17, 2018. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not dangle your feet in the water off the back of the boat. If you do, at best, they will be numb. At worst, the General will think you have lost touch with reality. (Looks like you may be sidelined for the big event, Frasco. Although you may want to avoid the battle, your pay envelope will be much thinner.)

9 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, don’t try to sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat next to the General. If you do, at best, you might be swimming across the Delaware. At worst, Tiny, who has formed a bond with General Washington, may take your move as a sign of affection for the General. (Since Tiny failed the “Unrequited Love and How to Cope” seminar, he now thinks a knuckle sandwich is an answer. Just jump out, Fredek. It will be easier in the long run.)

8 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not think wearing boat shoes from Top Siders will impress your fellow soldiers. If you do, at best, you’ll get a new nickname. At worst, a Master Sergeant will put you on report for being out of uniform. (Of course, one more on-report isn’t going to break you, Freyr. You have come to like peeling potatoes.)

7 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not start singing “row row row your boat.” If you do, at best, a few might join in. At worst, the General will single you out and threaten you with the stockade if you don’t quit making noise. (Looks like Georgie thinks you might be a British spy, Fridolf. I think quiet is the better part of this equation.)

6 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not bring your fishing equipment. If you do, at best, you might catch dinner. At worst, the General will ask you to keep fishing until you have caught enough to feed the Continental Army. (Holy cow, Frygies. That is a lot of fish. We’ll come back for you.)

5 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not ask if dinner at the captain’s table is a formal affair. If you do, at best, no one will understand your question. At worst, you’ll be reminded that you are on a rowboat and there is no captain’s table, and someone will hand you the flag. (You know that the flag goes in the front of the charge, don’t you, Fryderyk. Yeah, that’s right, up front where all those bullets and flying cannon balls are.)

4 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not let anyone know you get seasick. If you do, at best, some will be sympathetic. At worst, the old salt will continually describe in minute detail the roast pork dinner he had last night. ( If you can just hang on a little longer, Francis, the shore is not too far away.)

3 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not begin humming an old German tune. If you do, at best you’ll keep the volume down. At worst, since you are on your way to attacking the Hessians in Trenton, the General might think you are mocking the mission. (Washington is not sure this whole thing will work, Finn, so I would lay low if I were you. That water is certainly cold.)

2 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not mention that your enlistment in the army expires at midnight. If you do, at best, you’ll get a so what? At worst, someone will take your musket and shot, and you’ll be defenseless when you reach the shore. (Better offer to reenlist, Fabian. Otherwise, you are going to be pretty uncomfortable dodging shot from both sides.)

1 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not stand up in the boat and start singing “Old Man River.” If you do, at best you’ll be ordered to sit and be quiet. At worst, you will finish your song while trying to keep your head above water. (Looks like the General has just about had enough of the stand-up comedy, Floyd. Hopefully another boat will scoop you up.)

 

This post ran on September 10, 2018, and is part of the historical top ten things not to do lists. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best, you might be mistaken for a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate, Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best, Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny, who just graduated from Gladiator school, will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and Trident Flynn. It might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best, no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best, no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best, people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace, to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best, no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if thugs are warning you not to do it. If you do, at best, you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best, you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way has blood in their eyes, Franko. Maybe it’s time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best, you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into the Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

 

This edition continues the historical background on the Top Ten feature. I hope you like it. This post ran on September 1, 2018

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the 1849 California Gold Rush

10 If you are near the gold rush, do not sell everything to go mine for gold. If you do, at best, you will break even. At worst, you’ll find that you have blown your life savings chasing a dream. (Seems you could have found a better way to blow your money, Farquharson. You could try self-publishing.)

9 If you are near the gold rush, do not move that stake at the corner of Tiny the WWF champ’s claim. If you do, at best, Tiny will let you put it back. At worst, Tiny figures you are jumping his claim. (No use even putting up a fight, Farrin. I would just lie there. Tiny is bound to lose interest sooner or later.)

8 If you are near the gold rush, do not hide your gold under the straw mattress on your cot. If you do, at best, the lump will keep you awake. At worst, sadly, that’s the first place a thief will look. (Well, now you need to start over, Farrs. With any luck, you get that gold dust back in another six months of panning.)

7 If you are near the gold rush, do not describe someone to his face as a sourdough. If you do, at best, the person is too new to know that a sourdough is someone from Canada who has come to California in search of Gold. At worst, the person might take exception to being called dough. (Might as well take it back, Farson. Looks like he is mighty angry.)

6 If you are near the gold rush, do not wear your Amiri jeans to work. If you do, at best, you will attract many stares. At worst, the Levi-Strauss salesperson might decide a gunfight is in order. (I guess you didn’t realize that Levi’s are the official jeans of the gold rush, huh, Favian. No worries, just buy a pair and all will be forgotten.)

5 If you are near the gold rush, do not announce any discoveries of gold. If you do, at best, you’ll have more friends. At worst, the mob scene that will transpire is more than you can handle. (Your claim needs to be defended, Fedyenka. But do you really want to shoot someone?)

4 If you are near the gold rush, do not complain about the cost of food. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to go elsewhere. At worst, the cook may decide that serving you requires a higher reimbursement and raise his prices again. (Funny, Felix, but you are the only one paying more for everything.)

3 If you are near the gold rush, do not think you can set up a get-rich-quick wagon and tool rental business. If you do, at best, all your tools will be rented out, and you’ll need to get more. At worst, none of the devices will be brought back, and the rentals do not cover the cost. (This was not how it was supposed to work, Fergus.)

2 If you are near the gold rush, do not drink whatever is in that bottle in the saloon. If you do, at best, you won’t go blind. At worst, you might lose track of time and wake up three weeks from now broke and homeless. (Imagine if you’d had enough money to buy two bottles, Fiacre. You might not be with us right now.)

1 If you are near the gold rush, do not pan for gold. If you do, at best, you won’t find any. At worst, you might pull a couple of specks out of the sand, which will cause an extreme attack of gold fever. (Well, that does it, Fidelis. You are hooked. See you in a couple of years when your money runs out.)

As a reminder, this series of top-ten lists is a fantasy look at historical events as if we were there. This post was originally published on August 13, 2018

The Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

10 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your best clothes while walking on the street. If you do, at best, you will be suspected of being a monarch supporter. At worst, you will be arrested, tried, convicted, and face the guillotine. (You have to admit it, Frank. These folks have no patience with cleanliness or fine clothes. Get ready for a really close shave.)

9 If you were in France during the revolution, do not accept a ride on a two-wheel wagon driven by Tiny the Revolutionary champ, who just got a loyalty award. If you do, at best, you’ll sneak off before you reach the plaza. At worst, you have a difficult time trying to convince Tiny that you are not part of the monarchy and are now trussed up like a turkey. (Those wagons are for transporting prisoners to the guillotine, Felix. What were you thinking?)

8 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I Love Louis XVI” pin. If you do, at best, most folks will think you are joking. At worst, a mob of villagers will ensure you are no longer a threat to the revolution. (What do all these people want, Fredrick. Why do they continue to yell, “Off with his head?” This is not Wonderland.)

7 If you were in France during the revolution, do not take the tour of the Bastille even if you paid in advance. If you do, at best, the tour will be quick, and you’ll be out before the storming. At worst, you will be mistaken for a defender of the Bastille by the storming crowds. (I would try to remember how to use that saber, Flynn. You are not going to convince that crowd that you are a tourist.)

6 If you were in France during the revolution, do not forget to wear your Liberté, égalité, fraternité T-shirt whenever you go outside. If you do forget, at best, you’ll still look like a peasant. At worst, your judgmental air will get you into court. (There doesn’t seem to be a whole bunch of innocent until proven guilty thought around this place, huh, Fabio. Next stop, the ultimate haircut.)

5 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I’m With Robespierre” shirt past the expiration date. If you do, at best, you’ll be reminded that he is now thought of as a traitor. At worst, you and Robespierre will become fast friends before the blade falls. ( You gotta know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em, Federico. Don’t be a fool, let Robespierre go first. Who knows, a miracle could happen.”)

4 If you were in France during the revolution, do not tell folks that you really prefer cake. If you do, at best, you might be looked upon as a fool. At worst, those you talk to might think you are a supporter of Marie Antoinette. (You know exactly where this is going to lead, don’t you, Finlay?)

3 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to joke about wanting a Napoleon for dessert. If you do, at best, you might need a steak for that black eye. At worst, you might need a priest for that long walk to the guillotine. (When no one laughed the tenth time, you might have gotten the hint, Finian.)

2 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to tell everyone how beautiful you think the Palace of Versailles is in the sunlight. If you do, at best, they will be too busy to take you seriously. At worst, you and 100 of your closest Versailles residents will be marched into Paris. (Another trial, Finian. This is getting tiring. The good news is this is a tip to the executioner-free day at the guillotine.)

1 If you were in France during the revolution, do not assume the flag you are flying is that of the revolutionists. If you do, at best, you picked right. At worst, your three gold fleur-de-lis on a white background, although beautiful, will attract bullets. (Never believe a guy on the street who sold it to you, Fitz. Now you need to take cover.)

 

In August of 2018, I decided to match Top Ten Things with historic events. What we would do during the event is fiction, but the event actually happened.  This post ran on August 27, 2018. I hope you enjoy this series.

10 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think offering margaritas all around is going to help anything. If you do, at best, everyone will be too busy to take you up on the offer. At worst, only the best shooters on your side decided to have a couple and now can’t hit the broad side of a barn. (I guess you were hoping the Mexicans would be in a similar shape, huh, Fritz?)

9 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can borrow his gun. If you do, at best, he’ll just say no. At worst, since he is extremely nearsighted, he may mistake you for a Mexican soldier and give you a body slam over the wall. (It only hurts getting up, Felco, so I would just lie there.)

8 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not walk around eating a bean burrito. If you do, at best, you will have to share. At worst, from far away, a sharpshooter may mistake you for a Mexican Federal soldier. ( I know you were hungry, Freddie, but the food of the day is hardtack and salt pork. Tortillas are the other side’s food of the day.)

7 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wear your Santa Anna Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, Santa Anna will want it as a souvenir.  ( I think you heard him right, Faris. He said he didn’t care if it was bloodstained or not. Just give it to him.)

6 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Davy Crockett for an autograph. If you do, at best, he’ll just laugh. At worst, he’ll give you a lesson in flying. (You could flap your arms harder, Farid, but I think you are going to hit the ground pretty hard. That wall is quite high.)

5 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not tell someone you know all about cannons if you don’t. If you do, at best, you won’t be asked to fill in on one. At worst, you’ll be put in charge of the only cannon that guards the entrance. (Now what did the manual say, Fabumi? Load the ball, then light the fuse? Or was it the other way around? You’d better hurry, looks like those doors won’t last another minute.)

4 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think it is time to start Spanish lessons. If you do, at best, you may learn a few words. At worst, whether you speak Spanish or not will not help you in the end. (It looks like the order of the day is take no prisoners, Fadeyka. I think it’s going to take a little more than a few “holas” and “Buenos Dias” to save you.)

3 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think that a sombrero and a serape will be an effective disguise. If you do, at best, no one will laugh at you. At worst, the troops will consider you a spy. (You know what they do to spies, Fallon. Dump that outfit now.)

2 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wave that “Come and Take It” cannon flag from the Battle of Gonzales. If you do, at best, you will make the Mexicans angry. At worst, you will be singled out for elimination. (That flag has been a sore spot since the Texas Revolution began, Falk. No need to start that fire again.)

1 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not make plans for your summer holiday. If you do, at best, your heirs will have to cancel. At worst, you may lose some of your deposits. (I guess no one told you that getting out of the Alamo was a feet-first proposition, huh, Farnley?)

 

This post was published on June 30, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. It was the last post we co-authored.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your First Anniversary

10 If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not think your spouse will find it funny if you pretend to forget your wedding date.  If you do pretend to forget, at best, your spouse will forgive you after you’ve recited a dozen mea culpas and treated your spouse to a romantic candlelit dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town.  At worst, your spouse will demand, in addition to the mea culpas and romantic dinner, that you be solely responsible for cleaning out your cat’s litter box until your second wedding anniversary.

9 If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not assume your spouse will want to celebrate the anniversary with all your family, friends, and the same people at your wedding.  If you do, at best, your spouse will grudgingly put up with a crush and the noise of partygoers.  At worst, your spouse will commit a disappearing act (sneaking out of the house to have that nice, quiet dinner your spouse really wanted), leaving you to be solo host, as well as clean-up crew after the party.

8 If it is your first work anniversary, do not expect congratulations from your boss and coworkers.  At best, you will get some recognition for having stayed in the job for a year since no one else (including your boss) has, an insight which might cause you to start looking for another job.  At worst, you try to throw your own party during lunch time in the conference room, which coincides with your boss’s own planned luncheon with the CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO, and you wind up playing caterer to them since you are now too embarrassed to admit the food was for your own party.

7 If it is your first work anniversary, do not insist on going to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate with your boss and coworkers.  If you do, at best, no one will complain that the only thing any of them (except your boss) can afford is the Caesar salad and a glass of ice water.  At worst, in honor of your anniversary, your boss will publicly suggest you pay the bill for the entire table since your anniversary grants you a 1.0% raise, which, after taxes, translates to a 0.3% raise, which, after a year, will cover the cost of the meal.

6 If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think your significant other will be unaware of the fact.  If you do, at best, your significant other will accept your apologies for forgetting, and you make a promise to yourself not to forget the second anniversary.  At worst, your significant other will accept your apologies and then suggest it’s time to see other people, letting you know in no uncertain terms that there will not be a second anniversary.

5 If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think a simple greeting card will be enough to celebrate the event.  If you do, at best, your significant other will simply sigh and make arrangements for a nice dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date.  At worst, your significant other will make reservations at a very expensive restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to but never had the money. For the cherry on top, your significant other will abruptly leave, grabbing the foil-wrapped coq au vin, but leave the check, which, of course, you cannot pay except with long hours of dishwashing.

4 If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think that no one will care if you ignore the event.  If you do, at best, your readers will likely be confused when you start writing posts beginning “When I began blogging over a year ago ….” since it’s fairly common to celebrate such an event, and they won’t understand why you didn’t.  At worst, you’ll be spotlighted into shame by your fellow bloggers who go ahead and post about their first anniversary while you sit and watch their readership grow as yours sinks.

3 If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think you can crowdsource your way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate.  If you do, at best you’ll gain enough for a tip, and your readers will just shake their heads over your impudence and continue reading your blog anyway.  At worst, several fellow bloggers will show up at a fancy restaurant expecting you to share your crowdsourced meal for one with all of them, forcing you to pony up for the most expensive bill you’ve ever seen.

2 If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not think it would be gauche to promote the hell out of it on your important day.  If you do, at best, an ardent fan will recognize the date and promote your book for you, giving you an uptick in sales you wouldn’t have otherwise.  At worst, you miss your window of opportunity, and your first-anniversary sale post bombs because no one understands what a year-and-a-day anniversary is all about.

1 If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not hesitate to discount the price on that important day.  If you do hesitate, at best, you’ll get lukewarm sales results from your lukewarm effort.  At worst, your promotion will be so tepid that none of your readers will understand what you are promoting and miss the opportunity to purchase your book at less than the cost of a tall skinny Vanilla latte.

This post ran on March 24th, 2014, and was written by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet

10. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision. If you do go without your significant other, at best, your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night. At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”

9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, they will always be a perfect size for cuddling. If you do, at best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you. At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.

8. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit, the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out. If you do, at best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home. At worst, you may find that the new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery, forcing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.

7. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire. If you do, at best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model. At worst, you may have to learn to live with your brown velour furniture looking like it’s been blanketed in snow.

6. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life. If you do, at best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love, and together you will find a proper home for the python. At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.

5. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs. While that may be true in general, at best, you may find your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide food it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly trains you to give it what it wants when it wants it). At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether, causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”

4. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow. If you do, at best, you may wind up deciding that you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window. At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!

3. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a leash in public places. If you do, at best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther, so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!” At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.

2. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed. If you do, at best, your landlord never visits your apartment, and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your Oscar cichlid, a secret. At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George, which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.

1. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one. If you do, at best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours. At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will, since, as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown.