This post was first written and published on February 17th, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since death and taxes are always with us, I hope you will be entertained.
Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes
10. While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best, you may miss a couple of deductions. At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.
9. While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best, you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.
8. While doing your taxes, do not allow your dog to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best, you may run out of battery. At worst, you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electric shock treatment
7. While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best, some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.
6. While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best, you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst, you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more than you had planned.
5. While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best, you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.
4. While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do at best, the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of a signature will trigger a visit from the NSA, which will want to know all about you.
3. While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best, the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little sense of humor the IRS really has.
2. While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best, you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.
1. While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best, you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but you will have a roommate who wants to go steady.
This post was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me and published on April 21, 2014. I’m not in need of this service, but this list could be useful to someone. If not, then hopefully there is a laugh or two here.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service
10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma, especially those who thought they were going to date a 28-year-old.
9. When signing up for an online dating service, do not say that you live in a foreign country because you want to appear exotic. If you do, at best, your future dates will be relieved to learn that you actually live within driving distance of them and they don’t have to pay exorbitant sums for a first date. At worst, your dream date, who really does live in the country you claim to live in, will out you to everyone else in the service, and you will have to change your profile and identity and actually move to a foreign country.
8. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be a great cook when you still can’t make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If you do, at best, your future dates will prefer to dine out anyway and will never find out your lie. At worst, your dream date will wind up in the ER after you actually try to prepare a romantic, home-cooked meal for your first (and now last) date.
7. When signing up for an online dating service, do not inflate your educational background so you can appear to be more intelligent than you apparently are. If you do, at best, your future dates will not be interested in your opinion on the Dunning-Kruger effect anyway, and you’ll be saved from having to present yourself as an example of it. At worst, your profile will be tagged as someone who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect*, which you will find frustrating since your last name is not Dunning nor is it Kruger.
6. When signing up for an online dating service, do not minimize your educational background to appear less intelligent than you really are because you are afraid of intimidating anyone. If you do, at best, your future dates won’t be interested in degrees anyway, just as long as you can enjoy conversations with each other. At worst, your future dates will look like the cast from “My Name is Earl” or “Duck Dynasty.”
5. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be fluent in any language when all you can say is “Hello” and “Goodbye” in that language. If you do, at best, all your future dates have the same native tongue as you, but no foreign language fluency, so they get excited when you say “Bonjour” and “Adios” in the same sentence. At worst, your dream date will be fluent in the language you claim to be fluent in (let’s say, French, for fun) and invite you to a romantic getaway to Paris where the best you can do is say “Bonjour” to everything anyone else says to you, with the result that two hours into the romantic getaway, your dream date leaves you at a café with just your French-English dictionary to help you find your way home.
4. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim not to have pets when you do, just because the dream date you picked out is allergic to cats. If you do, at best, you never get together with your dream date, but the second-best date not only asks you out but also happens to like cats (and then you live happily ever after). At worst, your dream date comes to your place for coffee and, within five minutes, develops red, itchy eyes, sneezing and coughing fits, and a facial rash, even though your cats are not in your house because you had them boarded. All of this results in you being on the hook for your dream date’s trip to the ER and allergy medication, as well as the boarding fees for a date that went nowhere.
3. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use a glamour photo for your profile, even if your friends insist it will get you more dates. If you do, at best, all your future dates also use glamour photos, so no one can complain when none of you look glamorous in real life. At worst, see the worst-case scenario for #1 and then double it.
2. When signing up for an online dating service, do not present yourself as a social butterfly when, in fact, you get panic attacks when you have to speak to more than one person at a time. If you do, at best, your future dates will be flattered when you say you prefer evenings alone so you can get to know them better. At worst, your future dates will think your Howard Hughes profile is creepy since they assumed you loved the party life and eventually leave you to your evenings alone as a party of one.
1. When signing up for an online dating service, do not pretend to be anyone but who you really are. If you do, at best, you will find someone who actually likes you for yourself, and you will make some new good friends. At worst, you’ll be stuck with a revolving door of dates but no relationships. (On the upside, that could be fodder for some good stories.)
*a cognitive bias where individuals with limited knowledge or competence in a particular domain greatly overestimate their own knowledge or skill. Proposed by psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger in 1999, it stems from a lack of metacognition—the inability to recognize one’s own incompetence.
I’m so happy to have Jacqui visit once again to give you some information about her new book which is book three in the Savage Land series. So without much delay, here is Jacqui.
I ran into John Howell online at some point in the past because we are both besotted by our dogs. John does a great series about his two dogs called “A Little Personal” where he looks at the world through their eyes. Really, I’m telling you, blog reading doesn’t get much better.
But that’s not what inspired me for this article to launch my latest prehistoric fiction, Balance of Nature, the third book in the trilogy about Neanderthals. John also does a great series on “10 Things Not To Do” and then discusses what you shouldn’t do with your Thanksgiving turkey, when trying to get published, when signing up for online dating, and similar. I thought it would be fun to apply that to my Neanderthals. What is the best way to interact with them? I came up with a lot of good suggestions in case you end up time-traveling 40,000 years into the past:
Top Ten Things NOT to do When You Meet a Neanderthal
10 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not be surprised that they don’t speak English, Spanish, or any other modern language. If you are surprised, at best, you might try gestures. At worst, their language–like Latin–is no longer spoken, so that you might drag out your Pictionary skills
9 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not try to fix your broken store-bought spear. If you do, at best, you will be pitied, and the Neanderthal will fix it. He’ll boil up some bark over a fire. Turn it into glue and reattach the tip to your spear or create an entirely new one. At worst, he will invite you home for a nice, boiled snake dinner.
8 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not miss the chance to pick the Neanderthal for your natural navigation team. He can’t read maps or written instructions, but he reads nature like no one you’ve met. If you are lost, the Neanderthal will know how to get you back to where you need to be, even if he’s never been there before. If you do miss the chance, at best, you may wander in the wilderness forever. At worst, you’ll be eaten by a big, hungry animal.
7 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not try to hide. If you do, at best, he has a cold. At worst, he’ll sniff you out, follow your trace, and find you, and not be in the best of moods either.
6 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not tell them there’s something he can’t do that needs doing. If you do, at best, he’ll figure it out. At worst, he will now believe you are an idiot.
5 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not be surprised. Neanderthals don’t complain–not about extreme cold, debilitating hunger, dangerous predators, loneliness, or anything else. They intrinsically realize it does no good. If you are surprised, at best, you may take that attitude for yourself. At worst, your concern about having no cell service will look pathetic.
4 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not try small talk. That doesn’t exist in their world. All conversations are to convey important information. Quiet is a friend. Human voices stand out in nature. If you do try small talk, at best, the sign of the finger on the lips should be enough. At worst, you may be left tied with vines to a tree and used for bait as your reward.
3 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not try to tell him the optimal location for a hearth in a cave. He knows where that is and how to dig ditches to deliver airflow to the fire. If you do try to tell him, at best, you’ll still be allowed to stay in the cave. At worst, you will be shivering outside in a foot of snow, listening to the stomach growl of the local half-starved meat eater.
2 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not tell him that you counted his tribe and one person is missing. He doesn’t need to count. He does it by a missing smell or the smaller size of the group. If you do try, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, the leader will give you some extra things to carry that don’t smell very nice and drip.
1 If you meet a Neanderthal, do not ask a Neanderthal if his life is boring. He has no concept of what that means. If you do ask, at best you’ll get a quizzical look. At worst, as you explain boredom, the Neanderthal will decide to see if you can outrun his spear.
Virtual Book Blast For
Savage Land Book 3, Balance of Nature
Summary
A tribe haunted by the past. Lies that threaten the future. A reason to find the truth.
Savage Land is the third trilogy about prehistoric man in the series, Man. Vs. Nature. Savage Land explores how two bands of humans survived one of the worst natural disasters in Earth’s history, when volcanic eruptions darkened the sky, massive tsunamis crossed the ocean in crushing waves, and raging fires burned the land. Viral tribes of Neanderthals and early man considered themselves apex predators, but that crown belonged to Nature, and she was intent on washing the two-legged blight from her lands. In Balance of Nature, Book Three of the trilogy, Yu’ung’s Neanderthal tribe hopes to settle at Gibraltar but instead finds unexpected threats and lethal challenges.
Follow the courageous Yu’ung, the determined Kazeb, the mystical Shanadar, and the pawed-and-clawed Canis as they navigate a perilous world of tribal conflict, unexplained visions, and shifting loyalties. Their journey is a testament to the resilience and strength of true leadership in a sweeping saga that ultimately leads to who we are today.
Excerpt
75,000 years ago The area we now call Gibraltar
Shouts woke the brothers from their sleep.
“A boat—on the Endless Sea! Headed toward us!”
At night? How is that possible? But Kazeb didn’t ask because it didn’t matter. What mattered was that it was there.
He and Turk had waited long for this news, Kazeb with excitement, Turk with dread. Without discussion, they raced across the grassland, leapt over crevices, the width familiar even in the dark, and then scrambled up Big Rock’s knobby flank, grabbing tiny ledges with their fingers and toes with a speed mountain goats would envy. The behemoth’s height dwarfed all hills on the peninsula save the distant, towering range that separated it from others.
The brothers summited the crest and crouched behind a thick patch of scrub at the cliff’s edge. The brisk breeze atop the promontory whipped Kazeb’s hair around. He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth so tightly he should have broken a tooth, and waited for the vague elongated shadow on the water’s inky surface to reveal its intentions.
Is it them? He glanced at his brother’s square face. Turk thinks it is.
Sun’s steady arrival slowly erased the dark, made the sea shimmer in shades of blue as waves crashed against the coastline. Just below the surface, under the foam, were sharp shoals. Any boat must tediously avoid these, better yet, continue down the shore where there was no risk, unless they knew of the sole safe mooring used by natives and those they shared the location with, like they did with the Tall Ones from long ago.
Turk hissed, “It’s them, Liis.”
The Clan called him Liis, but he preferred “Kazeb,” the name awarded him when he agreed to guide the Tall One Fierce to the sea’s end. That was far beyond anywhere he had ever traveled, but Fierce claimed Kazeb’s knowledge of the area was invaluable.
“We can’t tell who is onboard, Turk,” he said, though who else knew of the hidden cove?
Kazeb rose and scanned a full circle, hoping whoever came on that craft wasn’t looking up here.
“What are you doing, Liis?”
“I need to see if they’re alone, or do more come from other directions.”
Flat grassland bordered one flank of the promontory, water the rest. Sun’s earliest rays colored the sky in pinks and blues. Birds plummeted into the crystalline water. Fish with no desire to be food dove. Farther away, pigs rooted through the stubble and a herd of deer feasted on ever-abundant fresh young shoots, protected by the range of mountains from unexpected predators.
Jacqui Murray is the author of the popular prehistoric fiction saga, Man vs. Nature which explores seminal events in man’s evolution one trilogy at a time. She is also author of the Rowe-Delamagente thrillers and Building a Midshipman, the story of her daughter’s journey from high school to United States Naval Academy. Her non-fiction includes 100+ books on tech into education, and a freelance journalist on tech ed topics.
Since the Super Bowl is this weekend, I thought I would pull some advice from a January 26th, 2015, post. It all seems to be relevant.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration
10 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not arrive wearing team clothing for a team that is not playing. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are a sore loser or are drunk. At worst, the crowd may come to the conclusion you’ve had a stroke or burst aneurysm and call for EMT support, and you will end up watching the game on a fifteen-inch screen next to the nurse’s station while waiting for an attending physician.
9 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, remember that many people like to watch the ads. If you forget and stand in front of the TV during commercial time, at best, you will be called many names in the process of getting you to move. At worst, the most enormous guy in the room, wanting to demonstrate his downfield tackling expertise, will use you as his dummy.
8 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not carry in your famous crab dip that must be kept at forty-two degrees or become a hazardous waste site. If you do, at best, the temp will stay near the required amount, and only one or two will be overcome. At worst, there will be no way to keep the dip cold enough, and you will have singlehandedly wiped out a full production day on Monday for several of the attendees, not to mention hurried trips to the ER for a prophylactic pump of the stomach
7 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not believe your host’s offer “to make yourself at home.” If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when someone asks you to take your feet off the couch. At worst, you will be totally shocked to discover the room you decided to use for a bath is the overflow bathroom for the party, and you will spend a good amount of time under the water.
6 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be tempted to look into any drawers or behind any closed doors. If you do, at best, only the homeowner will notice the disturbed contents. At worst, the host, being a techie nerd, has installed cameras in each room, which play back on the fifty-inch screen that is beside the game screen to the amusement of everyone at the party. (Except the one you came with)
5 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think that since the drinks are free, you should help yourself to the point of being over-served. If you do, at best, you might make a complete ass out of yourself, which others will find typical of a lowlife. At worst, you will find yourself disoriented while actively looking for the bathroom, which you imagined you had found in the large bureau in the corner of a spare bedroom, shortly before passing out on the carpet.
4 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think your duty includes eating a portion of everything that is laid out on the buffet table. If you do, at best, several people will believe you have lost your job or are recently divorced. At worst, your pile of food will be an indication that you need an intervention, which will be organized to take place after the game, to the embarrassment of you and the person with whom you attended the event.
3 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be the first to suggest some kind of gambling scheme for the game. If you do, at best, several guests will think you make a living that way. At worst, you will have several disputes around who really won and will be forced to double-pay several to keep the peace.
2 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not become overly obnoxious when your team is ahead. If you do, at best, the lead will be short-lived. At worst, someone will take exception to your attitude since they feel bad about their team being behind. As much as they have tried to remain under control, as they learned in group therapy sessions, they are just beginning to lose their grip on reality while holding your shirt.
1 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not even think of driving your car if you have been drinking. If you do, there is no best or worst, just the potential for disaster for you or an innocent bystander.
This list was first published on January 18th 2016. Since we all end up in a doctor’s office sooner or later, I think it’s still useful.
Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.
10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up, doc?” If you do, at best, you’ll get a look. At worst, the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must-do. (You just had one of these the last time you were here, right?)
9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis of yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)
8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pillhead. (You thought it was an innocent remark, right, Bucky?)
7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)
6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs online and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned, did it, Homer?)
5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best, you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a troublemaker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)
4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor that you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)
3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well, it was only a $125.00 after all)
2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best, you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith, who is currently working with Doctors Without Borders in the jungle somewhere. (Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all, right?)
1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best, you will be given an extensive list of foods you can eat and asked to keep a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will provide you with some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists, so tell me why it works.)
The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you. This list was first published on January 31, 2017. I hope you enjoy it
10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry, he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)
9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)
8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you, Tex?)
7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)
6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, you can ignore the stares from those you pass. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that Speedo, huh, Ace?)
5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a couple of slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now, in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)
4 On a bike, do not forget that insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end, either, Duke.)
3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)
2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)
1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen at the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)
This post was originally published by Marie Ann Bailey and me on January 6, 2014. Since some of us still make New Year’s resolutions, I thought it might come in handy.
Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions
10. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list. If you do, at best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go. At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.
9. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.” If you do, at best, you’ll only lose a lot of water, which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds. At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?
8. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list: “Quit smoking cold turkey.” If you do, at best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke. At worst, you do smoke, and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff. Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokable filter. Of course, even five minutes without smoking is another five minutes your body gets a break.
7. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list. If you do, at best it’s too vague (it could mean “get organized at work,” “get your kitchen organized,” or “organize your bookshelf”), and you’ll forget it anyway. At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and family’s schedules, and they will commit you for having a near-lethal case of OCD.
6. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.” If you do, at best, you only have two books on your TBR list, and so you now have the whole year to read them. At worse, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house. The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping, and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).
5. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day. Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs. At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5. Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.
4. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list. If you do, at best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need minor editing. At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts, and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.
3. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list. Who are you kidding? If you do, at best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon. At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun. Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings, and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.
2. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.” If you do, at best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more. At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.
1. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them. Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …” Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously. Be grateful you are here for a New Year.
This post was first published on December 30th, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I think it may still be good advice.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve
10. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to consume everything in the city. If you do, at best, you may gain a few pounds. At worst, you will never ever feel better again.
9. On New Year’s Eve, do not think everyone is in love with you. If you do, at best, you may get a new roommate. At worst, you may wake up next to a stranger who is now your spouse.
8. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to scream “Happy New Year” more than once. If you do, at best, you will lose your voice. At worst, someone may in fact put a sock in it.
7. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to invent and issue resolutions for everyone else. If you do, at best, you will lose some friends. At worst, your host may resolve to ban you to the patio.
6. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to help others drink more. If you do, at best, you may be the last person standing. At worst, you may be named as a co-defendant on a DUI.
5. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to give everyone a kiss. If you do, at best, they will all think you are a nerd. At worst, you may pick up a nice case of bubonic plague.
4. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to sing “Auld Lang Syne.” If you do, at best, your off-key rendition will be recorded for playback when you are sober. At worst, you’ll not know the words and remove all doubt as to your IQ.
3. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to tell everyone exactly what you think of them. If you do, at best, a few will want to take you outside. At worst, several will.
2. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to remove some of your clothes to be more comfortable. If you do, at best, you may not know when to stop. At worst, there could be additional records of your lack of discretion that you will need to pay handsomely to squelch.
1. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to get behind the wheel of a car after you have won the shots per hour contest. If you do it, at best you will end up in jail. At worst, you might just hurt someone.
Usually, there would be a Top Ten Things Not to Do List today, but since we are getting close to Christmas, I thought I would have a little fun with a gift list.
I have always fantasized about a gift list that would be just right. It would include some adorable things and cost a bundle. Unfortunately, I have not won the Mega lottery or been born to the manor. Which brings to mind the question: what gifts do the super-rich buy for each other? The nice thing about fiction is that we can go right ahead and make a list. So here goes. The fantasy list of gifts that the super-rich may buy this year:
A new Rolls-Royce Phantom Sedan for $398,375.00 base price. (options could add another $50,000) The gift giver would have a beauty that gets 11 MPG in the city and 19 MPG on the highway. By the way, if there are worries about gas mileage, the buyer might pass on this one.
A new Gulfstream G650 for $65,000,000. The gift giver and recipient would enjoy worldwide connections at top speeds of 800 MPH. In case the gift giver thinks the gift is exclusive, there are already 200 of these puppies on order.
A beautiful summer home in Southampton, New York, for $52,000,000. This has 10 bedrooms, four bathrooms (Go figure), and about 10,000 square feet. If the giver is a little squeezed on cash, a mortgage of about $250,000 per month can be arranged. Let me advise the gift giver, you may not get it with a mortgage. At this price, cash will be king.
How about the Yacht White Cloud for a measly $500, 900,000. It is 220 feet long and can sleep ten. The gift giver must know the fuel capacity is 30,000 gallons, and the first and subsequent fill-ups could be over $100,000.00.
Maybe the buyer needs to put in a little more effort to make a statement. The Pink Star Diamond is a 59.60-carat wonder that sold in 2017 for $84,684,307, setting a record. The buyer would have to convince whoever bought this rock to resell it. Since the price was $18M over the list price, it might be tough.
Well, there you have the fantasy gift list. When you get your next billion, you can let yourself go crazy. Till then, I’ll see you at Wal-Mart. What is on your fantasy gift list?
This post was published in 2014 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all tend to drive in bad weather, hopefully it will still be helpful.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Driving in Bad Weather Conditions
10. When driving in heavy rain, do not think it’s a good time to tap into your inner child and race your car through flooded areas of the road. If you do, at best, you’ll just irritate the drivers around you who will be splashed in your wake. At worst, your car will stall at the next intersection, where you find out that the “water” you were racing through is really the effluent from a broken sewer main.
9. When driving in heavy rain, do not forget to turn on your headlights so your car will be seen by other vehicles. If you do forget, at best, you may just have a couple of near-misses as cars turn abruptly in front of you because they didn’t see your dark gray car approach the intersection through the gray sheet of rain. At worst, you may wind up wishing your car had been a neon pink color instead of dark gray after you get the bill for the fender-bender you caused.
8. When driving in heavy rain, do not think that you can safely drive at the speed you drive in good weather. If you do, at best, the drag from the inches of standing water on the road will slow you down anyway. At worst, you might suddenly find yourself hydroplaning and, even more unfortunately, heading straight for the broken sewer main.
7. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think that you can save time by having the ice on your windshield defrost while you are driving. If you do, at best, everyone else will have stayed home, and you’ll have the road to yourself, thereby avoiding crashing into anyone. At worst, your insurance company won’t buy your story that the two small holes you scraped from your windshield should have been enough for you to avoid hitting the tractor-trailer when you passed into its lane.
6. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your fellow commuters will find it amusing if you put a sleigh and reindeer antlers on the roof of your car and honk at everyone to let you through because you are Santa Claus. If you do, at best, the other motorists will let you through because they think you’re crazy and want to get as far away from you as possible. At worst, the other motorists will let you through straight to a highway patrol car waiting just for you.
5. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your passengers will find it funny if you pretend to have snow blindness. If you do, at best, your passengers will help you to pull the car over so one of them will take over the driving (which was your intent anyway but you knew they wouldn’t do it if you just asked). At worst, your passengers will help you to pull the car over, but then leave you stranded on the shoulder because they know you were faking.
4. When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it would be a good idea to suddenly pull over and collect the hail because you’ve never seen it before. If you do, at best, you’ll just have some motorists honk at you while you pack a few hailstones into your lunch bag. At worst, you’ll have a hard time convincing your boss that you’re late for work because when you stopped to collect hailstones, you got knocked out cold by a big one, and that is why you are acting drunk at noon.
3. When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it is a good time to pull out your golf club and try some putting, no matter how obsessed with golf you are. If you do, at best, you’ll get the usual honks and rubbernecking from other motorists who are trying to figure out why you’re on the shoulder of the road swinging a golf club. At worst, see #4.
2. When driving during a heavy weather warning, do not think this is a good time to reenact a scene from your favorite Storm Chasers episode. If you do, at best, the storm cell never materializes, and you simply waste a tank of gas looking for it. At worst, you wake up in another state but without ruby slippers.
1. When driving during a hurricane, … oh, please, just don’t!
