Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Ten Things Not to Do at the DMV

~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

Here is the 35th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

DMV

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time in the DMV

10.  When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defillibrator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.

9.  When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.

8.  When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and the next person served and you will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.

7.  When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony according to number ten.

6.  When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.

5.  When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.

4.  When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.

3. When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.

2.  When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pants.

1.  When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 34th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

bookreview

10.  When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review.  If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis and your efforts will be wasted.  At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.

9.  When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book.  It was really good.”  Readers want to know what you liked about the book.  If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored.  At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.

8.  When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it.  It was a waste of time.”  If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it.  If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book.  At worst, readers will take an exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.

7.  When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers.  If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you.  At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law.

6.  When writing a book review, do not think it is funny to suggest the author of the book quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment.  If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you.  At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.

5.  When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every single typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in the book you’ve reviewed.  If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about.  At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because in your zeal to show your editorial prowess, you essentially duplicated the book in your review.

4.  When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer.  If you do, at best, readers might be impressed, but still wonder at your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours.  At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.

3.  When writing a book review, do not think just reading the first and last chapter of a book is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review.  If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when in fact the book is about zombies and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.

2.  When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing.  At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you thought she actually lives a life of romance and danger.  At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he then must have experience as a serial killer.  In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel, with you as the victim.

1.  When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews.  Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be.  At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web and eventually you’ll get tired of the negativity, change your Gravatar and start writing constructive reviews.  At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used, as well as, all your email addresses and blogs and previous book reviews, and you will never ever escape them, making your experience an interesting plot for a dystopian novel.

To see how book reviews should be written, visit Ionia Martin’s Readful Things Blog at http://www.readfulthingsblog.com.

Ten Things Not to do While Completing Your Taxes

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 33rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

IRS

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

10.  While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best you may miss a couple of deductions.  At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.

9.  While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.

8.  While doing your taxes, do not allow your do to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best you may run out of battery. At worst you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro shock treatment

7.  While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.

6.  While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst ,you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more that you had planned.

5.  While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.

4.  While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, At best the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.

3.  While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has.

2.  While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.

1.  While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but will have a roommate who wants to go steady.

 

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 32nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

valentines_heart_box

Top Ten Things Not To Do for Valentine’s Day

10.  For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart a 10-pound box of chocolates or a case of craft brew when you know your sweetheart made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight.  At best, your sweetheart will accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given and just be grateful you even remembered Valentine’s Day.  At worst, your sweetheart will eat or drink the whole thing and then make you pay for a new wardrobe when your sweetheart’s pants no longer fit due to the chocolate or beer-fed waistline.

9.  For Valentine’s Day, do not send your sweetheart a Charlie Brown kind of rose bouquet or a pound of grass seed as a joke because you think of Valentine’s Day as just another “Hallmark holiday.”  At best, your sweetheart has a private office where the offending gift can be hidden until it’s safe to throw it out and you will only be out the price and perhaps one chilly night in the bedroom.  At worst, your sweetheart works in a “bullpen” where all coworkers and even middle management can see the pathetic offering and tease about it, resulting in your sweetheart coming home that evening and using the grass seed as porridge or bouquet, thorns and all, to teach you some lessons in respect.

8.  For Valentine’s Day, do not take your sweetheart to a restaurant that claims to model itself on Chez Panisse unless you have plenty of cash on hand.  At best, the restaurant will have an ATM in its lobby so when you get the bill and realize you had underestimated it by $300, you can quickly and discretely obtain more money.  At worst, the nearest ATM is on the other side of town and, to “pay” the bill, you and your sweetheart wind up washing dishes at the restaurant for the rest of your “romantic” evening out.

7.  For Valentine’s Day, do not think that Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to attract a certain member of the opposite sex by leaving Valentine’s Day cards and Valentine’s Day candy hearts that say “BE MINE” in every possible place that your adored one chances to be.  At best, your adored one will simply think you are nuts, but maybe a little cute.  At worst, an officer with an order to cease and desist will show up at your place of business, embarrassing you in front of your coworkers and your
boss and getting you typed as a stalker.

6.  For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart sexy underwear or silk boxers with hearts unless you are certain of the size that your sweetheart wears.  If you’re lucky, the sexy underwear or boxers are too small and that will be fine since neither of you expect the underwear to stay on for very long anyway.  If you’re unlucky, the sexy underwear or boxers will be too large, and you might be forced to wear it yourself while standing outside on your front lawn in the bright light of day.

5.  For Valentine’s Day, do not think that a romantic stay-at-home dinner will be that romantic if you expect your sweetheart to do the cooking and/or cleaning up alone.  If you’re lucky, your sweetheart will gently suggest you cook and clean together and extend the romance to nightcaps in the bedroom.  If you’re unlucky, your sweetheart will make a reservation for one at a fancy restaurant and leave you home to enjoy your “romantic” dinner by yourself.

4.  For Valentine’s Day, do not allow your sweetheart to see or hear advertisements for expensive jewelry and watches for at least one month before Valentine’s Day.  At best, your sweetheart will at first resent being kept from the TV and radio, but eventually come to appreciate the extra time for reading.  At worst, if you are unsuccessful, your sweetheart might be tempted to go  to the local mall on Valentine’s Day, with your credit card, and buy the most expensive Valentine’s Day gift available.

3.  For Valentine’s Day, do not wait until the last-minute to buy roses or a tie if you know that’s what your sweetheart likes (and expects).  If you’re lucky, you’ll only need to pay twice the cost to get a lovely bunch of roses or tie to your sweetheart before you meet for a romantic dinner.  If you’re unlucky with the roses, they will be so far past their bloom that by the time you meet your sweetheart for dinner, most of the petals will have fallen off and you’ll only have some green stems to offer, which your sweetheart will likely plant in your water-glass before storming out of the restaurant. If you’re unlucky with the tie, it will not go with the suit your sweetheart planned to wear and you’ll never see it again.

2.  For Valentine’s Day, do not think that an otherwise practical gift with hearts attached or in the color red will suffice for your lack of romantic feeling.  At best, your sweetheart will have always wanted a heart-shaped waffle iron or hip flask and will just drop heavy hints for you to do better next year.  At worst, your sweetheart will take the heart-shaped waffle iron or flask back to the store and use the refund as well as your credit card to go on a shopping spree, which you will be paying off for many Valentine’s Days to come.

1.  For Valentine’s Day, even if you and your sweetheart mutually agree to not participate in the whole gift-giving extravaganza that is also known as VD Day, do not think that making a point to say “I love you” or leave notes to that effect around the house or in your sweetheart’s car will go unappreciated.  At worst, your sweetheart will respond in kind.  At best, your sweetheart will show appreciation in such ways to make Valentine’s Day your favorite holiday.

 

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

 

Here is the 30th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

FullGroceryCart

Top Ten things Not to do While Grocery Shopping

10.  When grocery shopping, do not go to the store on an empty stomach.  At best, you will quiet your grumbling stomach with a candy bar or two while waiting in the check-out line.  At worst, you will wind up devouring the entire rotisserie chicken that was to be your family’s dinner, guzzling a 64-oz bottle of Coke, and tearing into your kid’s favorite cereal, all before you reach the checkout.

9.  When grocery shopping, do not assume that the shortest check-out line is indeed the quickest check-out line.  At best, the person ahead of you with five items will want to use a personal check to pay and you’ll only have to wait an additional ten minutes while the cashier and store manager figure out a way to finally approve the check.  At worst, the person ahead of you with only nine items will question the cashier on each and every item (naturally, all the items were supposed to be on sale including the ten gallon water jug which looks like it came from the employee break area), then proceed to call the store manager to further argue an unwinnable position, and now that you are stuck every line around you is so long the few minutes you thought you saved have turned into thirty minutes wasted.

8.  When grocery shopping, do not assume that all the sale items, especially the 2-for-1 deals, have been entered into the registers.  At best, the cashier will take a few minutes to correct the error if you see  you were charged for each item instead of 2-for-1.  At worst, you’ll be like the guy in #9, having to argue each item  on sale and drawing the ire and ill-will of every other shopper behind you.

7.  When grocery shopping, do not assume that your regular grocery store will always and forever maintain the floor layout to which you’ve grown accustomed.  At best, your store might make only subtle changes like moving the eggs from beside the butter to beside the yogurt, but on the same aisle.  At worst, one day you will walk in and become quickly convinced that you’re in the wrong store.  You will spend hours trying to find the raisins which used to be on Aisle 3 among other dried fruits but are now on Aisle 36 next to the juice with the logic that fruit is fruit.

6.  When grocery shopping, do not forget to wear ear plugs.  If you do forget your ear plugs, at best, you will simply slow your pace and linger longer than planned due to the hypnotic effect of the “music.”  At worst, the subliminal messages of “buy more, buy more, buy more” will enter your brain and you will wind up buying twice as much food as you originally intended, leaving your wallet half as full.

5.  When grocery shopping, do not think that by leaving your credit cards and checkbook at home, you can avoid spending over your budget at the store.  At best, the subliminal messages from #6 will cause you some mild embarrassment as you decide to forfeit the bottle of Merlot, Death-by-Chocolate cake, and fancy new plastic wine glasses (all items NOT on your shopping list) because you don’t have enough cash.  At worst, either to avoid embarrassment or because you are still prey to the messages of “buy more,” you will leave your items at the register, dash to the ATM, withdraw as much as you can, and then promptly ask for a case of the Merlot (which you may need later when you realize how much you have spent).

4.  When grocery shopping, do not think that the fresh fruit being offered as 2-for-1 is necessarily a great deal.  At best, the fruit will be fine and edible until the next morning when you realize you will have to eat all of it since it is quickly going bad.  At worst, after you come home and put all the food away, you decide to have some strawberries and cream.  Then you discover that the 2-for-1 fresh fruit has one layer of fresh fruit atop moldy, squishy fruit which moves on its own, and causes you to lose your appetite and throw it all out.

3.  When grocery shopping, do not think that the baggers are always well-trained.  At best, you will have a bagger who knows enough to put the eggs on the top of other items in a bag.  At worst, you will get a bagger who either wasn’t trained or doesn’t care, but you won’t know until you get home and find that a large bottle of laundry detergent was packed on top of your package of sushi rolls, which now resemble sushi pancakes.

2.  When grocery shopping, do not think that slowly walking down the middle of an aisle with your head down while talking on your cell phone will not annoy anyone.  At best, shoppers trying to get around you may just gently prod your shopping cart and alert you to the need to get out-of-the-way.  At worst, you may find yourself pinned between your shopping cart and the cart of the person or persons who finally lost their temper with you and are now sending you, shopping carts and all, into the egg section.

1.  When grocery shopping, do not think that being polite to shoppers on cell phones and oblivious to their surroundings will help you keep your temper.  At best, you will quickly realize that navigating around these people is futile and that you should just park your shopping cart and step around the offending shopper to get the items you need.  At worst, you will lose your temper, causing you to literally crash into the offending shopper with your cart, and the momentum will be enough to send you both into the egg section.  As with automobile rear-end accidents, you will be the assumed guilty party and the store will likely make you pay for the broken eggs as well as clean them up.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 2 Comments

Here is the 29th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Car dealer

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

10.  If you go into a car dealer, make sure you really want to buy a car. If you don’t, at best you may walk away from a car that you fell in love with but can’t afford. At worst you might end up paying for that car the rest of your life.

9.  If you go into a car dealer, do not say anything regarding your like or dislike of a car. If you do, at best you will tip your hand. At worst, you may end up with the one you dislike since it is priced so well.

8.  If you go into a car dealer, do not drink a big gulp prior to arriving. If you do, at best you may need to interrupt your negotiations at a bad time. At worst, the sales rep may detect your uneasiness, interpret it as a sign of weakness, and hammer the negotiations until you agree to everything just so you can make a break for the bathroom.

7.  If you go into a car dealer, do not wear any clothing with designer labels. If you do, at best you will impress all the people in the show room. At worst, you may pay thousands more for a car than the people at JCP.

6.  If you go into a car dealer, do not bring the children. If you do, at best they will get hyped up on the sugary donuts the salespeople will feed them. At worst, the kids will want to sit in your lap just as you try to negotiate a good deal and tell the salesperson that you are just kidding.

5.  If you go into a car dealer, do not park your car where it can be seen. If you do, at best the condition will tip-off the salesperson as to your trade-in before the deal. At worst, the sales person will get a heads-up as to how badly you need transportation.

4.  If you go into a car dealer, do not accept anything to eat or drink if offered. If you do, at best you’ll take on extra calories you don’t need. At worst, you may feel you owe the dealership something and you don’t want to get talked into a thousand-dollar cup of coffee.

3.  If you go into a car dealer, do not sign anything before you read it. If you do, at best you may have some expensive surprises when the car is delivered. At worst you may have sold your home for a dollar.

2.  If you go into a car dealer, do not demand to see the manager if you’re unhappy with the deal the sales person is offering. If you do, at best you may be embarrassed to learn that the sales person is the manager. At worst, the employees will use the video tape of you ranting at the company party as the main entertainment.

1.  If you go into a car dealer, do not even think of special ordering a car. If you do, at best you may pay too much. At worst, you may be riding around in something that lost fifty percent of its value the minute you drove it off the lot since Habanero Orange is not everyone’s favorite color.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 27th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

NewYearsResolution1915SecondPostcard (1)

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

10.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list.  At best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go.  At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.

9.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.”  At best, you’ll only lose a lot of water which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds.  At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?

8.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list:  “Quit smoking cold turkey.”  At best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke.  At worst, you do smoke and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff.  Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokeable filter.  Of course, even five minutes you don’t smoke is another five minutes your body gets a break.

7.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list.  At best, it’s too vague (it could be mean get organized at work, get your kitchen organized, organize your bookshelf) and you’ll forget it anyway.  At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and families’ schedules, and they will commit you for a having a near-lethal case of OCD.

6.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.”  In the best case, you only have two books on your TBR list and so you now have the whole year to read them.  In the worst case, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house.  The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).

5.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day.  Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs.  At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5.  Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.

4.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list.  At best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need little editing.  At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.

3.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list.  Who are you kidding?  At best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon.  At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun.  Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.

2.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.”  At best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more.  At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.

1.  For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them.  Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …”  Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously.  Be grateful you are here for a New Year.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 26th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

NewYearEveParty

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve

10. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to consume everything in the city. If you do, at best you may gain a few pounds. At worst, you will never ever feel better again.

9. On New Year’s Eve, do not think everyone is in love with you. If you do, at best you may get a new roommate. At worst, you may wake up next to a stranger who is now your spouse.

8. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to scream “Happy New Year” more than once. If you do, at best you will lose your voice. At worst, someone may in fact put a sock in it.

7. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to invent and issue resolutions for everyone else. If you do, at best you will lose some friends. At worst, your host may resolve to ban you to the patio.

6. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to help others drink more. If you do, at best you may be the last person standing. At worst, you may be named as a co-defendant on a DUI.

5. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to give everyone a kiss. If you do, at best they will all think you are a nerd. At worst, you may pick up a nice case of bubonic plague.

4. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to sing “Auld Lang Syne.” If you do, at best, your off-key rendition will be recorded for playback when you are sober. At worst, you’ll not know the words and remove all doubt as to your IQ.

3. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to tell everyone exactly what you think of them. If you do, at best, a few will want to take you outside. At worst, several will.

2. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to remove some of your clothes to be more comfortable. If you do, at best, you may not know when to stop. At worst, there could be additional records of your lack of discretion that you will need to pay handsomely to squelch.

1. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to get behind the wheel of a car after you have won the shots per hour contest. If you do you, at best you will end up in jail. At worst, you might just hurt someone.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Here is the 23rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do When Buying Gifts for Others

10.  If you are buying a gift for a girlfriend, do not plan to give clothes unless you are double dog sure of the sizes. If you’re lucky, you buy something too small and she feels bad (yet happy) because you think she’s smaller than she really is. If you’re unlucky, you buy something too big and she makes you feel bad for thinking that she’s bigger than she really is.

9.  If you are buying a gift for a boyfriend, do not plan to give him one of those latest mechanical gifts from an on-line gadget store. Best case: he won’t be able to figure out what it is for and will feel stupid. Worst case: he will know what it is for since he already has one.

8.  If you are getting a gift for a mother-in-law, do not plan to re-gift something you received from a family member or even a complete stranger. In the best case, you’ll have left the gift receipt in the box with last year’s date. In the worst case, it will be the very gift your mother-in-law gave you two years ago. To make it even more embarrassing, you raved about how perfect the gift was when you got it.

7.  If you are buying a gift for a father-in-law, do not plan to give any kind of hat. The best case is your mother-in-law will tell him he looks ridiculous in it. The worst case is he will actually like it and wear it just to spite the mother-in-law, and then you will be on the hook for the resulting friction.

6.  If you are buying a gift for a spouse, do not plan to give them anything they asked for when you asked what they wanted for Christmas. At best, your spouse will consider the gift as a no brainer on your part and wonder why you didn’t get something else. At worst, your spouse will have changed their mind and you now have a new door stop.

5.  If you want to give a gift to a teen-ager, do not buy anything. Simply give them the money you would have spent. If you do buy an unwanted gift, the best you can hope for will be an eye-roll followed by the teen-ager getting a cash refund for the gift. At the worst, you’ll soon find the gift, with the gift sticker still affixed, at your local thrift store.

4.  If you are buying a gift for a co-worker, do not buy any intimate apparel or anything that could be considered personal. In the best case, you will be thought of as “kind of creepy.” In the worst case, you will be explaining to Human Resources what you had intended by the gift.

3.  If you are buying a gift for the postal person do not give anything you have baked. The postal employee is fully capable of putting their own cookie together. At best, you will see your baked goods handed off to the next mailbox on your street. At worst, you will wonder why your mail stopped after the holidays.

2.  If you are buying a gift for a white elephant gift exchange, do not buy anything you might not want to take home. The best case is you manage to avoid being stuck with what you brought. The worst case is you will be the proud owner of the gift you brought which then you will have to store away until next year or gift to your mother-in-law.

1.  If you are buying a gift for your boss, do not try to keep up with his tastes. Simply get a gift card from Amazon and let him pick up a book. The best case is whatever you give other than the gift card will never cost enough. The worst case is you might actually spend enough to find out your boss has one of what you bought. Unless it is a new Ferrari, you will never recover.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Here is the 22nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling with Dogs

10.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, refrain from putting your pet in a pet taxi on the roof because there’s no room inside.  At best, it will be a short trip once you realize that the laws of motion sickness dictate a downward flow  over your windshield.  At worst, given your heartless demeanor your family may decide to strap you to the car’s roof on the way home.

9.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, avoid letting your dog drive, no matter how tired you may be and how good a driver you think he is.  At best, your dog will insist on making frequent stops at every fire hydrant he sees. At worst, your dog will confuse the stop and go lights at intersections since they can’t distinguish between red and green, and you will wind up having to explain to your insurance company and the police how your unlicensed operator dog wound up in your driver’s seat with the keys in its paw.

8.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, do not put your dog in the front passenger’s seat wearing sunglasses and clothes just so you can use the carpool lane.  It doesn’t matter how much your dog might look like your spouse.  Chances are you’ll be pulled over by a traffic cop who will then take a photo of your dog, put it up on Facebook tagged with your spouse’s name (which you were stupid enough to give), and you’ll have divorce papers or worse waiting for you when you get home.

7.  If you are traveling with your dog and planning to stay at hotels, be sure the hotel will accommodate pets.  A barking dog is bad enough in a pet-friendly hotel; but in a non-pet-friendly hotel, at best, you’ll be charged double for disturbing your neighbors.  At worst, you and your dog may have to take shelter at a shelter.

6.  If you are traveling with your dog and staying at a pet-friendly hotel, do not think that just because the hotel is pet friendly, everyone else is.  At best, some guests may just asked to be removed from your immediate vicinity due to the incessant (but to your ears, endearing) yapping of your young pug.  At worst, you and your dog may wind up like #7, taking shelter in a shelter.

5.  If you are traveling with your dog by plane, don’t think that just because you taught Hugo, your Great Dane, how to roll up into a ball, you can claim him as carry-on baggage.  At best, Hugo won’t fit under the seat and you’ll have his head in your lap for the whole flight.  At worst, the airport won’t be deceived by your efforts and will have the TSA examine you for other hidden dogs.

4.  If you are traveling with your dog by plane and your dog actually does fit into a soft carry-on bag, do not assume that the flight attendant will appreciate your frequent requests for water, doggie biscuits (because the ones you had on you were confiscated by TSA), or wee-wee pads.  At best, the flight attendant might simply douse you with water and suggest that your dog lick it off you.  At worst, the attendant will be so smitten with your Pomeranian and its pink bow, she  will offer to take her to the galley to feed her and that will be the last you see of either the attendant or your dog.

3.  If you are traveling with your dog by train, do not think that all the other passengers will find it entertaining if you let your dog run up and down the length of the train car for exercise.  At best, your dog might get tired from all the running and you won’t be able to coax him off the train when you reach your destination. At worst, you might find both of you dumped off at the next station, hundreds of miles from your destination as the Siberian winter sets in.

2.  If you want to take a cruise with your dog, do not try to pass your dog off as a service animal in order to sidestep the cruise line’s no pet policy.  While your dog might do quite well at acting the part of a service animal, chances are you will forget which disability you chose.  At best, cruise line staff might start following you around, suspicious that at one moment you claim to be deaf and the next you’re singing along to music from your iPod.  At worst, you might find yourself set in a dinghy tethered to the stern of the ship, while your dog gets to stay on board and play with the cruise line staff for the rest of the trip.

1.  If you are traveling with your dog on a pet-friendly cruise line, take precautions to make sure the cruise line stays pet-friendly.  For example, do not allow your dog to jump into the pool with the other passengers just because your dog loves to swim.  At best, you’ll be made to clean the pool by yourself.  At worst, you may find yourself taking a swim that is a bit longer than across   the pool.