Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Ten Things Not to do with On-Line Dating

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 42nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

OnlineDating

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma especially those who thought they were going to date an 18-year-old.

9. When signing up for an online dating service, do not say that you live in a foreign country because you want to appear exotic. If you do, at best, your future dates will be relieved to find out that you actually live within driving distance of them and they don’t have to pay exorbitant sums of money for a first date. At worst, your dream date who really does live in the country you claim to live in will out you to everyone else in the service and you will have to change your profile and your identity and actually move to a foreign country.

8. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be a great cook when you still can’t make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If you do, at best, your future dates will prefer to dine out anyway and will never find out your lie. At worst, your dream date will wind up in the ER after you actually try to prepare a romantic, home-cooked meal for your first (and now last) date.

7. When signing up for an online dating service, do not inflate your educational background so you can appear to be more intelligent than you apparently are. If you do, at best, your future dates will not be interested in your opinion on the Dunning-Kruger effect anyway and you’ll be saved from having to present yourself as an example of it. At worst, your profile will be tagged as someone who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect which you will find frustrating since your last name is not Dunning nor is it Kruger.

6. When signing up for an online dating service, do not minimize your educational background to appear to less intelligent than you really are because you are afraid of intimidating anyone. If you do, at best, your future dates won’t be interested in degrees anyway just as long as you can enjoy conversations with each other. At worst, your future dates will look like the cast from “My Name is Earl” or “Duck Dynasty.”

5. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be fluent in any language when all you can say is “Hello” and “Goodbye” in that language. At best, all your future dates have the same native tongue as you, but no foreign language fluency so they get excited when you say “Bonjour” and “Adios” in the same sentence. At worst, your dream date will be fluent in the language you claim to be fluent in (let’s say, French, for fun) and invite you to a romantic getaway to Paris where the best you can do is say “Bonjour” to everything anyone else says to you, with the result that two hours into the romantic getaway, your dream date leaves you at a café with just your French-English dictionary to help you find your way home.

4. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to not have cats when you do just because the dream date you picked out is allergic to cats. At best, you never get together with your dream date but the second best date not only asks you out but also happens to like cats (and then you live happily ever after). At worst, your dream date comes to your place for coffee and, within five minutes, develops red, itchy eyes, sneezing and coughing fits, and a facial rash, even though your cats are not in your house because you had them boarded. All of this results in you being on the hook for your dream date’s trip to the ER and allergy medication as well as the boarding fees for a date that went nowhere.

3. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use a glamour photo for your profile, even if your friends insist it will get you more dates. At worst, all your future dates also use glamour photos so no one can complain when none of you look glamorous in real life. At worst, see the worst case scenario for #1 and then double it.

2. When signing up for an online dating service, do not present yourself as a social butterfly when in fact you get panic attacks when you have to speak to more than one person at a time. At best, your future dates will be flattered when you say you prefer evenings alone so you can get to know them better. At worst, your future dates will think your Howard Hughes profile is creepy since they assumed you loved the party life and eventually leave you to your evenings alone as a party of one.

1. When signing up for an online dating service, do not pretend to be anyone but who you really are. At best, you will find someone who will actually like you for yourself and you will make some new good friends. At worst, you’ll be stuck with a revolving door of dates but no relationships. (On the upside, that could be fodder for some good stories.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Opening Day of Baseball

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

 

Here is the 41st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

a opening day

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball

10. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not dress like you would at the playoffs. If you do, at best, some Good Samaritan will loan you a coat. At worst, you might need to be treated for hypothermia, frostbite, or both.

9. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not sit in an uncovered seat even if you consider yourself a bleacher bum. If you do, at best you might just get rained on. At worst, you will get caught under a ton of snow or hailstones and will require rescue by the ski patrol.

8. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not start a fire to keep warm. If you do, at best you’ll be pressed by a bunch of strangers all trying to get warm as well. At worst, the league just might present you with an invoice for $100M to replace the stadium which burned to the ground before the end of the game.

7. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think brandy will help keep away the cold. If you do, at best, you may only forget where you came in. At worst, you might see yourself on the nightly news being dragged off the field by several policemen while you yell “Hey ump, you blind?”

6. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think you can hide from your boss since you told a fib about where you would be. If you do, at best your boss will be in the next row and you’ll have to spend the entire game hunkered down and quiet so you don’t get his attention. At worst, it will be your luck to be featured as the fan of the day on the nightly news which your boss never misses.

5. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not attend the game with anyone of the opposite sex without telling your significant other. If you do, at best you will run into a neighbor who will wonder who is with you which will remind you to text your significant other so there will be no unpleasant surprises when you get home. At worst, the giant gametron will catch you both sharing a laugh and will surround you with one of those annoying hearts demanding that you kiss which, if you do because you both indulged in the brandy of #7, will be featured on the nightly news your partner never misses.

4. When attending the opening day of baseball, as a company team building function, do not force everyone to join you in eating a bag of peanuts just because it is mentioned in the song. If you do, at best, you might have problems with co-workers at work the next day. At worst, you might be named in a class action suit by those who are grossly allergic to peanuts.

3. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not bring a mitt thinking you will catch a ball. If you do, at best, people will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, you may be the subject of an intervention by family members concerned with your ability to grasp reality unless you actually catch a ball.

2. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not root against the home team. If you do, even if you like the visitors, at best you will have some grumpy people around you. At worst, you could find yourself wishing you had a warm towel to go with the ice cold beer on your head.

1. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think the players can’t hear your insults from the stands. If you do, at best you might get a classic gesture from one of the players that implies you should be mated. At worst, you might encounter a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot all interested giving you a personal remembrance of the game in the form of a bruise.

Top Ten Things Not to DO When Visiting the Zoo – OOOH

~ John W. Howell ~ 18 Comments

Here is the 40th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

Zoo

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Visiting the Zoo

10. When visiting the zoo, do not try to get the chimpanzees’ attention by throwing popcorn at them. At best, they will simply pick up the popcorn and eat it and continue to ignore you. At worst, they will reciprocate by flinging some dark smelly stuff back at you, causing you and the family to have an uncomfortable ride home, with your shirt covered in chimp poop.

9. When visiting the zoo, do not think that just because the Siberian Leopard kitten is fast asleep, you can simply reach through the bars and scratch its adorable furry little head. At best, you might simply bruise your arm as you jerk it back when you hear the kitten’s mother’s roar. At worst, the kitten will wake up and decide to play tug-of-war with your arm while mama gets closer and closer snarling the whole way. .

8. When visiting the zoo, do not throw things into the elephant exhibit just because you think it is fun to watch elephants pick things up with their trunks. At best, you will be reprimanded by the zoo staff and told to leave the zoo. At worst, you will be told to pick up all the trash in the elephant exhibit, which might take a very long time since the elephants never forget a litter bug and might think it is fun to pick you up with their trunks.

7. When visiting the zoo, do not try to mimic the Lemurs as they run through their exhibit, catapulting themselves through the air and landing upright on trees. At best, your efforts will result in some embarrassment and bark rash from you ungracefully sliding down a tree that you tried to leap onto. At worst, the tree you leapt onto will turn out to be inside the Lemur exhibit, causing the Lemurs to see you as a predator and mob you until you are rescued by zoo staff.

6. When visiting the zoo, do not sneak in a pair of roller skates because you made a bet with your best friend that you can get through all the exhibits within an hour. At best, you will only draw the ire of the other zoo visitors, as they have to jump out of your way to avoid being run over by you. At worst, you might take one of the downhill paths too fast and find yourself nose-to-nose with a rhinoceros in its wading pool at feeding time.

5. When visiting the zoo, do not tap on the glass of the Goliath birdeater exhibit, thinking you can coax the tarantula to where you can see it better. At best, the tarantula will just hunker down even more and zoo staff will be compelled to ask you to leave. At worst, before making you leave, the staff will insist that you clean the cage of the birdeater, blindfolded with peanut butter on your fingers.

4. When visiting the zoo, do not try to entice a crocodile to open its mouth by holding food out over the fence. At best, the croc will simply ignore you since it probably is more interested in the Pekingese that someone snuck in. At worst, the croc will leap up and forward to get your hand as well as the treat in it, causing you to dislocate your shoulder as you try to get out-of-the-way without falling over the fence and into the croc’s open mouth.

3. When visiting the zoo, do not think yelling at bears is a good and effective way to get their attention and make them active. At best, you will simply annoy the other zoo visitors until someone wads up a paper bag and stuffs in your mouth. At worst, after stuffing the paper bag in your mouth, the other zoo visitors band together and toss you over into the bear exhibit, causing such a commotion that the bears then wake up and become active thinking you to be a member of a rival clan.

2. When visiting the zoo, do not think that you can hide out until after the zoo closes because you always wanted to see the zoo at night. At best, you might become very bored very quickly because most of the animals are also done for the night and curled away in their beds. At worst, you try to entertain yourself by climbing trees, pretending to be a monkey until you realize, much too late, that you’ve flung yourself into the lion exhibit and, since they hunt at night, they are all wide awake and waiting for you.

1. When visiting the zoo, do not try to pretend you are a member of the zoo staff just so you can arrange a close encounter with the zoo’s mascot, a yellow reticulated python named Lemondrop. At best, you will be found out because you have to keep looking at your badge to remember the name of staff from whom you stole the uniform. At worst, you get your close encounter with Lemondrop who turns out to like you so much, the python can’t help but take you into its burrow to give you a big hug.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Playing Sports with Friends

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 39th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

a sports with friends

 

Top Ten Things Not to do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis or Eight Ball with Friends

10. When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an imbedded racket, club or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.

9. When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.

8. When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.

7. When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friend s will figure out a way to stick you with a bill someday which will require a bank loan to cover.

6. When playing sports with friend, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match your clothing and equipment price. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem which may or may not be accurate.

5. When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause for the loss of the game. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and bad morning after.

4. When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.

3. When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the grounds keeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about rules.

2. When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peace keeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.

1. When playing sports with friends, try to remember the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Choosing to Adopt a Pet

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

Here is the 38th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

PetAdoptionAd

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet

10.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision.  If you do go without your significant other, at best your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night.  At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”

9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, that they will always be a perfect size for cuddling.  At best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you.  At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.

8.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out.  At best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home.  At worst, you may find those new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery causing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.

7.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire.  At best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model.  At worst, you may have to learn to live with having your brown velour furniture look like it has been blanketed with snow.

6.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life.  At best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love and together you will find a proper home for the python.  At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.

5.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs.  While generally that may be true, at best, you may find  your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide food it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly training you to give it what it wants when it wants it).  At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”

4.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow.  At best, you may wind up deciding at least you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window.  At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!

3.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a lease in public places.  At best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!”  At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write-up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.

2.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed.  At best, your landlord never visits your apartment and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your oscar cichlid, a secret.  At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your  landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.

1.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one.  At best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours.  At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will since as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown greater.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on St. Patrick’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 37th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

a patty

Top Ten Things Not to do on Saint Patrick’s Day

10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.

9.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.

8.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.

7.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Guinness stout drinks just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for the coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.

6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.

5.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing-stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic and there is still snow on the ground.

4.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and you say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find your self embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.

3.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.

2.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, there will be several photos snapped that you will pay large sums to have deleted.

1.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green.  If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Getting a Negative Review

~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 36th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Rate this book!

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

10.  If your book gets a negative review, do not read the review, especially if the rating is one star.  At best, the reviewer will admit the review is based on having read only a couple of pages of your book and you can chide yourself for even bothering to read one word of the review.  At worst, you will read the review so many times  you can quote it by heart, begin to believe it, and eventually get one star tattooed on your back to atone for imagined errors in your career choice.

9.  If your book gets a negative review, do not respond to the review in any way.  If you do, at best, the reviewer will ignore your comments and let others decide if you just have a case of sour grapes.  At worst, the reviewer will take great delight in responding to your comments, goading you into an outraged frenzy whereupon the website will block you from seeing any more reviews.

8.  If your book gets a negative review, do not search for and then comment on other books that the reviewer has reviewed.   Even if you have read those books, at best, you will be taking precious time away from your writing just to get even with the reviewer.  At worst, the reviewer will realize it is you and seek a court injunction on the grounds that you are unstable as evidenced by you spending so much more time reviewing other books rather than writing one.

7.  If your book gets a negative review, do not ask your family or friends to target the reviewer with their own commentaries.  If you do, at best, the reviewer will just ignore them and eventually they will lose interest.  At worst, they will all end up in an unsightly battle of words and then they will all get banned from the website and your family and friends will turn on you like a wounded Leopard.

6.  If your book gets a negative review, do not assume a false identity and write reviews of your book to counter the negative review.  If you do, at best, no one will know it’s you and eventually you will just feel as if you are a loser. (You think?). At worst, someone will uncover your identity and both you and your book will be pulled from the websites, leaving your readers to think you’ve been arrested or kidnapped..

5.  If your book gets a negative review, do not start a campaign against negative reviews, using the negative review as an example.  At best, the campaign will quickly fizzle out as so many do without the reviewer ever knowing about it.  At worst, the reviewer will see your campaign and accuse you of libel, slapping you with a lawsuit so expensive  you will be doomed to write PR copy for the Russians full-time for the rest of your life in order to pay it off.

4.  If your book gets a negative review, do not think that you should suddenly switch genres just because one reviewer doesn’t “get” your book.  If you do, at best, you might discover writing erotica causes you to take too many breaks during the day so you can try out scenes with your significant other and so your productivity suffers.  At worst, you might discover that while you may now enjoy writing erotica, you can’t get your children’s literature agent or any publisher’s interest in your new book.

3.  If your book gets a negative review, do not take the reviewer’s advice to quit writing and take up dishwashing as an occupation.  At best, the long hours at the sink will only cause your imagination to go into high gear and you’ll be back to writing within a few days.  At worst, your brain will turn to mush from the boring drudgery and by the time you can retire from said occupation, you will have forgotten how you got stuck as a dishwasher in the first place.

2.  If your book gets a negative review, do not think one bad review trumps all your positive reviews.  If you do, at best, your faithful readers will not mind you’ve suddenly changed narrative styles because you are talented in any style you choose.  At worst, you will find yourself writing only for the one reviewer who really doesn’t care about you or your books anyway, and your readers will have to organize an intervention to keep you from reading any more negative reviews.

1.  If your book gets a negative review, do not stop writing.  If you do, at best, you will suddenly have more time on your hands than you know what to do with.  At worst, you will disappoint your readers and they will accuse you of emulating J.D. Salinger, which of course you cannot afford to do until you actually become J. D. Salinger.

 

 

Ten Things Not to Do at the DMV

~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

Here is the 35th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

DMV

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time in the DMV

10.  When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defillibrator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.

9.  When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.

8.  When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and the next person served and you will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.

7.  When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony according to number ten.

6.  When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.

5.  When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.

4.  When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.

3. When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.

2.  When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pants.

1.  When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 34th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

bookreview

10.  When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review.  If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis and your efforts will be wasted.  At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.

9.  When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book.  It was really good.”  Readers want to know what you liked about the book.  If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored.  At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.

8.  When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it.  It was a waste of time.”  If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it.  If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book.  At worst, readers will take an exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.

7.  When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers.  If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you.  At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law.

6.  When writing a book review, do not think it is funny to suggest the author of the book quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment.  If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you.  At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.

5.  When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every single typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in the book you’ve reviewed.  If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about.  At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because in your zeal to show your editorial prowess, you essentially duplicated the book in your review.

4.  When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer.  If you do, at best, readers might be impressed, but still wonder at your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours.  At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.

3.  When writing a book review, do not think just reading the first and last chapter of a book is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review.  If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when in fact the book is about zombies and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.

2.  When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing.  At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you thought she actually lives a life of romance and danger.  At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he then must have experience as a serial killer.  In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel, with you as the victim.

1.  When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews.  Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be.  At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web and eventually you’ll get tired of the negativity, change your Gravatar and start writing constructive reviews.  At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used, as well as, all your email addresses and blogs and previous book reviews, and you will never ever escape them, making your experience an interesting plot for a dystopian novel.

To see how book reviews should be written, visit Ionia Martin’s Readful Things Blog at http://www.readfulthingsblog.com.

Ten Things Not to do While Completing Your Taxes

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 33rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

IRS

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

10.  While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best you may miss a couple of deductions.  At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.

9.  While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.

8.  While doing your taxes, do not allow your do to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best you may run out of battery. At worst you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro shock treatment

7.  While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.

6.  While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst ,you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more that you had planned.

5.  While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.

4.  While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, At best the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.

3.  While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has.

2.  While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.

1.  While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but will have a roommate who wants to go steady.