Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Sistine Chapel Pubic Opening in 1512

November 2, 2020November 15, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

This week marks the 508th anniversary of the opening of the Sistine Chapel to the public in 1512. Michelangelo, the greatest artist of the Italian Renaissance, was commissioned by Pope Julius II in 1508. After four years of hard work, the chapel was opened to the public. Certainly, we want to go there and see what that first day was like. Let’s not forget to take the list of things not to do so, heaven forbid, we do not make an error that causes a tear in the time continuum. Everyone, grab a list and jump in the Olds, and we’ll be off.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Sistine Chapel in 1512

10 If you go, do not let Pope Julius II hear you call the building the cistern chapel. If you do, at best, he will think your Italian is horrible. At worst, he will take a ruler to your knuckles for such a faux pas. (The chapel was named after Pope Sixtus IV, who restored it between 1473 and 1481. It looks like Julius thinks you need more punishment, Meinrad. He’s heading your way with two big burley cardinals. We are not talking birds here.)

9 If you go, do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that he is blocking your view of the ceiling. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are talking to someone else. At worst, Tiny will be offended that you had the nerve to tell him he is in the way. (You see, Meir, when Tiny gets offended and has skipped several court-ordered sessions at Narcissists Are Us, there’s trouble. He won’t blame himself for being in the way. He blames you for saying anything. Look like he is ready to practice his new body slam move. Guess who is the slamee?)

7 If you go, do not ask Michelangelo for his autograph. If you do, at best, he’ll pretend not to hear you. At worst, he will be forced to ask the guard to escort you out. (Michelangelo, who also sculpted David and The Pieta, only signed one work: the Pieta. Looks like the guards are coming for you, Melanthius. Maybe next time you’ll not ask.)

6 If you go, do not suggest that the skin tones on God’s arm need some attention. If you do, at best, Michelangelo will think you are kidding. At worse, after concentrating on God’s arm for a month, Michelango has reached his limit. (Don’t look now, Melbourne, but I think Michelangelo is arranging for you to go up and paint whatever you want. Oh, my mistake. He just wants to paint you. Not in a good way either)

5 If you go, do not ask Michelangelo about the cupid statue he carved for sale to Cardinal Raffaele Riario early in his career. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are trying to blackmail him. (As the story goes, Melbyrne, Michelangelo carved a cupid and then made it to look older and sold it to the Cardinal as an antique. The Cardinal caught wind of the scam and demanded his money back. Of course, he was impressed with Michelangelo’s work and invited him to a meeting in Rome. Michelangelo eventually won a commission to carve the Pieta.)

4 If you go, do not mention that Michelangelo’s David is deteriorating faster than other marble statues of his day. If you do, at best, he will think you are joking since Davis is only eight years old. At worst, he will wonder where you got your information and want to have you arrested as a witch. (You should have kept your mouth shut, Meldrick. Not too many people know Michelangelo carved David out of a block of 40-year-old marble rejected by other artists, and he found it discarded. Here come the guys with the handcuffs. I think I would leave quickly.)

3 If you go, do not ask Pope Julius II for a review of Michelangelo’s work. If you do, at best, he’ll give you a “no comment.” At worst, you have to sit for some time listening to all the grievances. (The problem was, Melville Julius II had definite ideas of what he wanted Michelangelo to paint. Michelangelo had other ideas and demanded that he get his way. Julius II capitulated but was not happy. He may ask you to do the ceiling over. My advice. Don’t.)

2 If you go, do not ask Michelangelo if it was hard to paint on his back. If you do, at best, he will laugh at you. At worst, he will get out the drawings of the scaffold he built and take you through hours of engineering fine points. (Originally, X and an architect was hired to build the scaffold. He came up with an unworkable design, and the matter came before Julius II. He told Michelangelo to build what he thought he needed. The scaffold that Michelangelo built allowed for painting standing up. Wake up, Melvyn. Michelangelo is finished explaining.)

1 If you go, do not ask Michelangelo if he would like to do it all over again. If you do, at best, he will walk away. At worst, he will detail all that was accomplished and tell you to get lost (When complete, Melelaus the ceiling had over 300 figures of biblical characters. The area was over 130 feet (40 m) long by 43 feet (13 m) wide. This meant Michelangelo painted over 5000 square feet of space. I don’t think he wants to do it again even if you loan him your phone with Spotify)

Top Ten Things To Do at an Animal Adoption Day

August 29, 2016August 28, 2016 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

As you may know, I normally do a Top Ten Things Not to Do on Mondays. Since last Friday was Dog Day and since my Lucy is a rescue I thought I would turn the tables a little. My wife helps out at Austin Boxer Rescue and was the technical consultant for this post. Here is the sign that she has on her car when making home inspection visits. (Yes there is a screening process for adoptive prospects)

Ten Things To Do at an Animal Adoption Day

10 If you go to an animal adoption day, understand that all the people with an animal are foster volunteers. They appreciate you being there and would like nothing more than to find a good forever home for their foster.

9 If you go to an animal adoption day, take the time to get to know the pet you might be interested in adopting. Looks are not everything and most important is the fit with your family.

8 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not be shy about asking the foster about the good and challenging traits of the pet you are thinking of adopting. The foster knows the pet as well as anyone.

7 If you go to an animal adoption day, do ask to take the pet for a walk. A walk is a good way to determine any behavior issues while on a leash.

6 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not feel you need to decide on an animal if you are not sure. The animal and the foster are both anxious to find a forever home and would rather not be chosen then to get into an unhappy situation.

5 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not expect the organization to hand you an animal without checking on suitability. The fit has to be right for both.

4 If you go to an animal adoption day, do offer to donate to the organization if you feel inclined. Many times organizations are understaffed and underfunded and can use all the help they can find.

3 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not feel bad if you don’t find a pet you can live with today. Most organizations have a number of pets that can be seen at other adoption days or with private arrangements.

2 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not expect the animal to be free. Most organizations provide the animal with vet care, immunizations, and sterilization. These services cost money and also when there is a re-homing fee, history shows the incidences of failure are much less.

1 If you go to an animal adoption day, remember if you can’t adopt volunteer. If you can’t volunteer, then donate. There are too many unwanted animals and not enough organization resources to help all.

Lucy says,” Thanks for reading my John’s post.”

Lucy

Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying

October 5, 2015October 4, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

This list was inspired by having to fill in on a few occasions when it was necessary for me to venture into places where I’ve never been. These examples are not necessarily places where you’ve never been they are just the places where you are not normally found buying things.

Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying.

10 If you don’t normally buy birthday cakes, do not take it upon yourself to alter the instructions you have been given. If you do, at best those colors that looked so good in the store clash with the birthday party decorations. At worst, that nickname you think is so cute was not to be shared with anyone outside the house and now 25 of your child’s friends have a brand new torture vehicle. (Don’t worry the name will eventually die out in twenty of thirty years.)

9 If you don’t normally buy tires, do not listen to the guy wanting to sell four of the $300 super slick Michelin. If you do, at best, you will now have 60,000 miles of wear guarantee. At worst, your car has about 30,000 more miles in it before it dies. (The tires sure look good as the tow truck pulls it away.)

8 If you don’t normally buy power tools, do not pick up the first thing on sale. If you do, at best the tool might be on sale for a reason. At worst, the money you saved on the tool will be more than offset by the cost of the repair contractor. (You were sure the saw would work long enough to finish the project weren’t you.)

7 If you don’t normally buy toys for Christmas, do not buy anything, not on the list. If you do, At best you may set the record for the most gifts bought for any Christmas. At worst, your preschool kids might be too young for the mini drone and Xbox games they find under the tree. (At least they will have fun with the boxes.)

6 If you don’t normally buy the vacation airline tickets, do not think those add-ons are a bargain. If you do, at best you will find you did not need that extra pillow or rancid can of nuts. At worst, you may find you may have the distinction of paying the most to go the shortest distance.(You must wonder why the airline keeps sending you letters asking when you will book your next trip.)

5 If you don’t normally buy appliances, do not go alone to buy anything in the appliance category. If you do, at best you may have to pay a restocking fee for its return. At worst, you will have something in your house that no one will use. (And it is right in the hallway where you run into it every night.)

4 If you don’t normally buy automobiles alone, do not say yes to that yellow sports convertible. If you do, at best you will be broadcasting a midlife crisis. At worst, you may find it too cramped for comfortable sleeping quarters. (And now the yard starts to look good.)

3 If you don’t normally buy clothing alone, don’t grab that suit simply because you saw it in an ad. If you do, at best the tailor just might be able to adjust some of the youthful features. At worst, you will be obvious in your choice of clothes that will not be age appropriate. (To the delight of co-workers and passers-by.)

2 If you don’t normally buy wine, do not make a selection based on either high or low price. If you do, at best you will pay more for a good wine than necessary. At worst, your low-priced selection might be good for bumper rust removal but not drinking. (Lucky you grabbing a bottle on your way to the boss’s house.)

1 If you don’t normally buy snacks for the football game, do not buy what you think will be good for the people watching football. At best, you will have a lot of untouched snacks. At worst, you may end up watching the game by yourself and your pet rabbit. (Of course it is not logical but that’s football.)