This list was first published on February 16th, 2016. I still this it is good advice today.

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This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best, we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one, right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a server if the food is good. If you do, at best, they’ll walk away to get water, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, they will lie and say it is all good, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood decline. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the new POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car, which is now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best, he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with a butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best, you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make a note of the hours of your absence from your house. (The rooms do look bigger now that you have no furniture.)

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best, those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note, they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer “how are you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best, your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out the problem. (If it was that bad, you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best, you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. If you do, at best, the salesperson will try to direct you to an office. At worst, the salesperson will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is written in sharpie black)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best, you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your “Ten Bucks” offer for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

This post was published on February 8th, 2016. Still hoping for spring, so here it goes again. Wishing you a Happy Presidents Day.

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I know most of the US and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions, and I would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. However, since I am deeply committed to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in preparation for an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best, it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag, hoping for efficient movement of the keys. (Lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the giant gorilla. If you do, at best, you might receive a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best, you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think letting the goat eat your hair is cute. If you do, at best, you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast, don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best, the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car, isn’t it, Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best, they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment, doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best, the bird will become frightened and give you a present before returning to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on, can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best, you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best, you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best, you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)