Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum

Photo by Dannie Jing on Unsplash

 

This was posted on March 21, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.

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If you are like me, you don’t often go to the museum, but when visiting, you like to have as little to do with other people as possible. The inspiration for this list is the sometimes annoying behavior of other visitors on these rare visit occasions. I live on an island and have visited the local museum many times, so my other museum visits involve travel and time. The trouble of getting to a museum is why I’m incredibly annoyed when others seem to believe space is theirs to do as they please.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum

10 If you are visiting a museum in the kid’s section, do not hog all the interactive displays. If you do, at best, you will upset your kids. At worst, you will give new meaning to the term bully. (Sure, the electricity display is fun, but come on, Rufus, give the kids a break)

9 If you are in a museum, do not continue walking around in your squeaky shoes. If you do, at best, you will annoy everyone you pass. At worst, your squeaks will spark an instinctive urge to kill in Tiny, the WWF ex-world champ just released from a treatment facility. (Yes, his eyes are glowing red, and he’s coming your way)

8 If you are in an Art museum, do not loudly vocalize your profound understanding of the artist’s motivation in any work.  If you do, at best, those around you will have validation you don’t know anything about art. At worst, you may have to put up for the rest of your visit with a similarly-minded art aficionado who hasn’t had a bath in months. (You really have something to say about the piece titled “My Poop?)

7 If you are in a museum, do not touch a painting. If you do, at best, a kindly octogenarian guard will ask you to step away. At worst, you will have to be quick to avoid the falling gate and the tear gas before you are tackled by a SWAT Team member. (Now you know the sign “Do Not Touch The Art” is not kidding. Don’t worry. You’ll make bail.)

6 If you are in a museum, do not take pictures. If you do, at best, you will be asked to stop. At worst, your camera will be confiscated, and you will be charged a royalty for each picture. (Of course, instead of paying, you could always let them keep your camera or phone)

5 If you are in a museum, do not talk back in a loud voice to the recorded tour you hear in your headphones. If you do, at best, all you’ll get are strange looks. At worst, some well-meaning person will call EMS since they are convinced you are in an overdose situation. (The tip-off for them was when you were arguing with the recording about the meaning of a black hole.)

4 If you are in a museum, do not try to help the staff by removing a dinosaur tibia bone because you thought it would fall. If you do, at best, the bone is going to fall on its own before you touch it. At worst, the bone was the cornerstone of the entire dinosaur skeleton, and although it looked like it would fall was positioned that way because it supported the whole ten thousand bone construction. (It only took museum employees four years to construct what took four seconds for you to make into a pile. Sneaking out before discovery might be a life-saving measure)

3 If you visit a primarily adult display museum, do not take kids under three years old. If you do, at best, you will be worn out trying to keep them quiet. At worst, the time of the rest of the people in the museum will be spent wishing you could keep them quiet and how to get you all to leave. (Better a trip to the park next time)

2 If you visit an art museum, do not discuss out loud your art at home as it compares to the masters. If you do, at best, others will think you are a braggart. At worst, you might be overheard by an enterprising but out-of-work youth who will surprise you in the middle of the night while helping himself to your paintings. (Now, don’t you feel foolish discussing those Wal-Mart knock-offs?)

1 If you visit an art museum, do not comment on the nude statues in your outside voice. If you do, at best, some may be offended by your observations. At worst, you may unknowingly violate some local indecency ordinance when referring to particular body parts. (Most everyone will admit after you were taken away, the way you wove Da Vinci’s David into your locker room joke was pretty funny)

80 comments

    1. Thank you, Michael.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Very good advices, John! We should print out and publish on every entrance of a museum. Especially point eight. 😉 Best wishes for a wonderful week! xx Michael
    P.S.: Lakeway is on an isle, really?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That intro was posted in 2016 when I lived on an island. Have a great week, Michael. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wondered about that!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for the clarification, John!;-)I just found a nice old song.Lol https://youtu.be/XpWnh5ETW2w Don’t be annoyed. xx Michael

        Like

      3. From what I could understand I should be annoyed but it was pretty funny..

        Like

    2. I agree with you about #8, Michael! Very obnoxious, ruins the visit.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. #8 is so awkward. One reason I prefer natural history museums over art ones.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It becomes hard not to want to slap those pretentious snobs.

      Like

  3. I have encountered a couple of these. At those times, I wished I had Tiny’s bulk and built-in excuse. Great list, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The bulk coupled with a low growl would be perfect.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This reminds me of the first time I went to the Guggenheim and a fellow with an accent straight outta Flatbush made it a point to bash the abstracts at every turn. We had the unfortunate circumstance of having begun the walk through the museum with him and his embarrassed girlfriend. After a couple three rants, we lost him. What a knob.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love the term knob. I had a similar experience at the Met. My guy was an effete impudent snob (thank you Spiro Agnew) from London. Wanted to bash him with the nearest Ming vase.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It applied.

        My thing is, why go in the first place if you’re going to behave like that? Go to a football game or something!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Large segments of the population believe they are the only beings on the planet that count.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I don’t remember the last time I read a Spiro Agnew reference. My dad’s favorite expression of his was “nattering nabobs of negativism.”

        Liked by 1 person

      4. That is a good one. Good reminder.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Number 5 had me cracking up. As always, good advice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Joan. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Those kid sections are kind of off-putting. I’ve seen them with snot running down their faces, touching everything. They should have CDC members on staff.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A great list that had me laughing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great news, Lauren.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh wow, you need to have these posted outside every museum!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, GP. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  9. There are more than a few of these eejits out and about.
    I think it’s great to expose your kids to museums – as long as you realise that their attention spans are short and don’t drag them unwillingly and wailingly through. Best is to have a pass and bring them for short 30-min sessions…
    Happy Monday!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great idea, Dale. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve heard it is – I wasn’t inclined to try it myself and sort of regret that I didn’t.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. These are hilarious, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jill. 😁

      Like

  11. There’s always someone trying to impress everyone else with their (lack of) knowledge. So annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. Annoying is an understatement.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I’ve encountered almost all of these, John, although I must say my visits to museums are far fewer these days. There are some great ones in Houston, but the traffic between here and there, and the even more annoying human traffic in the museums themselves, means it takes a special exhibit to pull me in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m with you, Linda. Sometimes not worth the hassle

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Great list, John. I love going to museums and have encountered folks as you described. Ugh. In June I’m spending time with my kids in NYC and will visit the Met. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My favorite. 😊

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  14. I do believe I would pay extra to have the museum to myself (and my husband, of course).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Another great idea, Liz.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. John,
    You did it. I laughed (out loud) at every one of these. Charlotte even yelled at me.
    So “well done” sir !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you liked them. Thanks for letting me know. Charlotte was probably concerned you might have a stroke.

      Like

  16. Sound advice! I wish some of the ‘children’ who threw tomato soup and mashed potatoes and other food on the Grand Masters and then glued themselves to the walls would listen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. It would be good if they did.

      Like

  17. Ha! Ha! I have some of those annoying squeaky shoes, but they’re so comfortable. 🙂 And on my goodness, do not touch the dinosaur skeleton!! Good ones, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jan

      Liked by 1 person

  18. This is hilarious, John. I can just “picture” most of these happening. I love playing the kids’ interactive area. I’ll try not to hog the supplies next time. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The kids would appreciate that too.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Thanks for the smiles these brought to my face, John. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you got some smiles, Tim.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I always find it fascinating when Mrs. Chess and I are in stores which insist on stacking up glassware. And then, letting customers try to navigate around it all without accidentally buying a bunch of it when some crashes to the floor. These shopping experiences find me well-prepared for any future visit to a museum, where the idea is to look but not touch. Lots of laughs here, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it Bruce. I know of those glass stores and I stay outside.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    Good ones, and its time to visit some museums again.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I think we have all had the crying baby or screaming child; the know-it-all art critic; the photo taker who pushes you aside; and the child who needs to be pulled away from the display…and on and on.
    Can smile now, but was not always fun at the time.

    Like

    1. Yup and I feel your pain. Thanks, Karen.

      Like

  23. Number 1 is the top, dear John! However when you see the real David by Michelangelo it is so difficult to leave him without a comment. 😂😂😂🍤🍤🍤🍻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I would like to go to Florence to see him. Maybe some day.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I loved this post, John. Tiny needs to clone himself so he can halt those annoying squeaky shoes in every museum. On my one visit to the Uffizi Museum, there was a large crowd blocking the pathway. The doorway was right there, so I ducked under the big red rope and came way too close to an early renaissance painting. They motioned for me to go back to the outside of the rope. That was it. Thank you Florence, Italy. That would never have happened so casually here in America.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those laid back Italians. Lucky for you. Thanks, for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Very lucky for me. Laid back is their way of life, which can be a very good thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  25. Lol. Love this! I don’t often visit museums but yeah, I’ve seen those attendees.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Traci

      Like

  26. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    Keeping kids quiet does wear a person down. It reminds me of a few field trips I took with kids around docents that didn’t have much experience or patience for working with kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That must have given you a neck ache for sure. Thanks, Pete.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. People can be trying, can’t they? It’s so annoying when you’re minding your own business, looking at the exhibits, when along comes some know-it-all, who proceeds to “educate the simpletons” with his observations.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true, Debbie. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

  28. These are so good. I love visiting museums and get so annoyed at the know-it-alls.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too. (obviously)

      Liked by 1 person

  29. You hit this one, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Michele

      Liked by 1 person

  30. Art museums have their uses as I learnt just the other day. It seems a popular male Hollywood actor got his first name because his pregnant mother felt the first kick when she was looking at a painting of, who else, da Vinci. Any guesses who the actor is?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Must be DiCaprio.

      Like

      1. You are at the top of your game 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. ACME is my middle name.

        Like

  31. “… you like to have as little to do with other people as possible …”

    Oh man! You know me so well!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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