Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

~ John W. Howell
Photo by David Suarez on Unsplash

 

Originally posted on March 16th, 2016. I thought it would be fun to revisit since it is totally fiction.

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This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving day in and day out. So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best, you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best, the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer, isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst, the chambermaid may bring you a coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best, he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best, the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the twenty irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry. The replacement bolts can be sent from the UK for $1000.00 each plus shipping.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best, they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador. Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best, the spending will increase. At worst, you must get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house and hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot-high lawn? Those sheep are having trouble keeping up.)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best, she will try a softer one next time. At worst, you might be treated to a few touch-and-go landings with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high, did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best, he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your chosen route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now, did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best, your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places and times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen to sign those paychecks, heh?)

73 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff”

  3. This line killed me,

    “Do not tell the House administrator you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best, the spending will increase.”

    It applies to those living with their families as well. My mother found it funny.

    This whole post was hilarious, and I thank you for sharing it you made me laugh out loud.

    Like

  5. The closest I could come to making any of these mistakes is telling my wife how to cook – that won’t happen (again). Good list, John, although I’m not likely to need it.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ah, the struggles of the rich and famous! It’s doubtful I’ll need any of these hints any time soon, John, but thank you for a glimpse into the other side. Around here, I guess I’m the household staff. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. OK. So keep everyone’s job distinct, no overlapping and by God do NOT tell anyone how to do their job. Got it. (Preparing for the day when I shall have such a staff…. Buahahahaha!)

    Liked by 1 person

  17. John,
    You know me and my staff pretty well.
    I’m not ready to take the yacht out yet. Lake Michigan is still in its winter stage.
    I have to go, the upstairs maid just called. She needs my advice. My driver wants approval to wash the Bentley and the Rolls.
    I am a busy guy. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Helpful list to have for the day I have a staff…which should be any day now…any…day…ok, likely never. Still, solid advice for those who have all these assistants to navigate. Definitely best to stay on the good side of those who cook for you – if not, make them taste test the food in front of you. I’d also make sure the chauffeur always started the car.😁

    Liked by 1 person

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