December 16th marks the 116th anniversary of the first flight of a self-propelled heavier than air aircraft by the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. We do want to go and witness this major event. I have a list of things to avoid so that we don’t get into any trouble while we are there. So let’s get ready to go.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Flight of an Airplane.
10 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask the Wrights for a special in-flight meal. If you do, at best, you’ll get a confused look. At worst, Orville will think you have a great idea, but the weight of the turkey will prevent the flight from taking off. (You did not have to specify turkey, Jose. A nice cucumber sandwich would have sufficed.)
9 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ignore Tiny the WWF champ and self-appointed flight attendant directions. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last ten court-ordered anger management sessions, is highly offended. (Well, Jamie. You only have yourself to blame. It appears Tiny wants to see if you bounce when dropped out of a plane at 1000 feet. I think we’d all like to know that too.)
8 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not demand a hotel and meal voucher if your flight gets canceled. If you do, at best, no one will understand what you are talking about. At worst, on top of all their troubles, the Wright brothers will consider you a pest. (Looks like Wilber is coming out of the barn with his trusty shotgun, Jackson. It may be time to try out those new Nike running shoes.)
7 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not shout, “Go Gamecocks.” If you do, at best, everyone will be busy and not hear you. At worst, the crowd will come to a silent halt. (You see, Jake, The Gamecocks are a South Carolina University team, and you are standing in Tar Heels territory, which is North Carolina University space. I see a few men picking up shovels. Best head for the hills.)
6 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not try to check an overweight bag. If you do, at best, it will be refused. At worst, the luggage will be jettisoned once the Wrights are airborne. (Looks like those Sponge Bob Squarepants boxers are a big hit with the goats, Jude. With everyone else not so much.)
5 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask Wilber if he gives frequent flyer miles. If you do, at best, Wilber will miss the point. At worst, Wilber will issue you credit for the 100 feet before he ejects you from the plane. (You see, Juan. This thing isn’t ready for passenger travel yet no matter what Orville says.)
4 If you are at the first airplane flight, do ask about a Wright Airline club membership. If you do, at best, you’ll get no response. At worst, Wilber will collect a lifetime fee and direct you to the barn. (Quit complaining, Jay. This club is so exclusive you are the only member. Those chickens are interlopers, and I would report them to the management. Free drinks? Sure the pump is right over there.)
3 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask for champaign once you get on the plane. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh from Orville who will think you are joking. At worst, Orville will find it easier to take someone else than to get a bottle of champaign (Well that didn’t end well, Joe. Now you’ll have to beg for a ride.)
2 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask Wilber what time you are arriving at your destination. If you do, at best, Wilber won’t hear you. At worst, Wilber will wonder what happened to your brain. (The first flight lasted 12 seconds and went 120 feet, Jerome. It’s no wonder Wilber thinks you are nuts.)
1 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask which movie is playing. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, since Orville and Wilber are serious fellows, they think your question is an insult. (Movies are just becoming popular, Jerry but are seen as frivolous entertainment. These two guys from Ohio are very sensitive. Oh look, they have called the sheriff. It must be time to go.)