Stream of Consciousness Saturday

June 28, 2014June 27, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

I was sitting around last Saturday minding my own business, settled back, reading my favorite blogs. I came across Linda Hill’s blog and started reading about all the fun bloggers were having with a thing called Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Low and behold (does anyone say that anymore) I found out about the idea of writing whatever comes out of your head and posting it on Saturday. I whined about not having enough time and unfortunately I whined to the wrong person LINDA flipping HILL herself. So here I am shamed into setting aside the time to participate. The prompt this week is emote and this post is part of SoCS:http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-2814/ and that was the required pingback. Here is my stream of consciousness.

“Emote you say?”

“Yup. That’s it.”

“What do you mean that’s it?”

“I mean that’s the one.”

“I have to emote?”

“It was truth or dare and you took the dare.”

“But emote? I don’t even know what that means.”

“Tough you know what. You took the dare now emote.”

“Do I take off my clothes for this.”

“Whoa. No. Put that back on.”

“I didn’t want to mess my pants in the emote.”

“That is not what it means.”

“I’ll try again. Do I have to dig a big trench?”

“Big trench? What are you talking about?”

“You know a castle has an emote around it.”

“Man you are really dumb aren’t you?”

“Look here. It is one thing to trick me into this truth or dare stuff. It is quite another to be derisive towards my confusion over what you are asking me to do. I demand that you take it back.”

“You are done. Nice job.”

“Done? What are you talking about?”

“You covered emote perfectly.”

“Now I’m really confused. .. Was it good for you?”

Friday JohnKu day

June 27, 2014June 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Friday at last. I was talking to one of our fellow bloggers and she was saying how long some weeks seem and how short others are. I think there must be a law covering the relative length of the week. I can’t seem to find one so as a fiction writer I certainly am qualified to make one up. I think I will call it Frank’s Law of Work Week Time Relativity. Franks Law states: “The length of the work week is directly proportional to the difficulty and unpleasantness of the work being done.” So if the job is easy and fun the week will be short. If the job is difficult and nasty the week will be long. That half explains why weekends go by so fast. Weekends are covered by Julie’s corollary to Frank’s Law which in essence says, “all playtime ends too soon.” Today’s JohnKu (term coined by words4jp) takes another looks at relativity and is appropriately titled Time.

Time began alone,

No one there to help debut . . .

More witness the end.

Wednesday is Story Day

June 25, 2014June 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

Wednesday is story day as many of you who go beyond the reader notification know. This Wednesday’s story is inspired by witnessing the behavior of some visitors in our neighborhood. Several homes in our subdivision are part-time residences and sometimes families of the owners take the opportunity to have a cost-free vacation. Our property owner’s association rules do not allow for rentals, so at least we don’t have that issue. One such part-time owner’s house is across the street from ours. It is a lovely Victorian and looks rather peaceful most of the time. For the last two weeks, a few family members of the owner have taken up residence. I really don’t want to complain, but they have broken every rule and custom that our neighborhood holds dear. I suppose they exercise the same respect for their parents’ property as they do for the parents. Anyway, we hope their vacation time is over and they can go back to the trailer park where they obviously live full-time. By the way, the parents are refined and very nice. It’s a shame they obviously spared the rod on this bunch. Here is this week’s story. It is titled Sorry? I hope you enjoy it.

“Frank I want you to go over to that house and tell those people hanging towels and bathing suits off the street side banisters really looks awful.”

“Now dear there is no rule against hanging towels out to dry.”

“But look at how bad it looks. None of them are even complementary colors and there must be twenty of them. It looks like a scene from the ghetto.”

“I’ll tell you I ‘m a little more concerned about the five cars parked on the street. I wonder if they know there is no on street parking here?”

“I doubt it. Did you see the boys throwing rocks into the pond from our backyard?”

“No. You are kidding me.”

“No I’m not and they were our rocks.”

“You tell them to get lost?”

“No. One of the neighbors hollered at them.”

“Sheesch. Gotta believe they have no sense. Saw them fishing in the pond as well.”

“What. There is no fishing in the pond.”

“Yeah. They were on the neighbor’s bank fishing away.”

“You say anything?”

“Nope. Thought the neighbor should do that. They were on his property.”

“We have to do something Frank. This is just wrong.”

“Okay, I’ll go over. Wait it looks like they are packing up.”

“It does doesn’t it.”

“All is well that ends well. Is that the doorbell?”

“Yes you get it.”

“Okay. I can see it’s one of those people. Wonder what he wants.”

“Go find out.”

“Yes can I help you?”

“I’m George Samples and we are visiting across the street.”

“Yes George what can I do for you?”

“One of my kids hurt his hand throwing rocks and I want you to know we consider the fact that you made rock so easily available to kids really wrong.”

“Sorry. The rocks in my yard you mean?”

“Precisely. You will be hearing from our attorney shortly. I must say you really should make your home more kid friendly. Have a nice day.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Presence of a Camera

June 23, 2014June 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 51st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When in the Presence of a Camera

10. If you are tempted to take a selfie (why, we don’t know) to show your friends your new tan lines, do not send the picture to anyone. If you do, at best, you may show too much line. At worst, your picture may make the internet rounds for the next million years.

9. If you are with friends and a picture is being taken, do not stick out your tongue as if you are Miley Cyrus. If you do, at best, you will look as graceful as Miley Cyrus. At worst, like your mom said, “Your face may stick that way.”

8. If you are tempted to take a selfie in the bathroom, do not take a picture until you check the background. If you do, at best, there may be some stray clothes lying around. At worst, that shot of the commode may be enough to get an unexpected visit from the health department and possibly a letter from a concerned citizen about the lid being in the up position.

7. If you are tempted to take a selfie, try to make an expression that does not resemble a duck. If you don’t, at best, you will look like any one of a million selfies. At worst, your lips may be entered in the most obviously botched category at the Botox convention by a well-meaning friend and win.

6. If you are in charge of taking pictures of a friends’ get-together, do not ask everyone to say cheese. If you do, at best, you will have different group photos that look the same. At worst, you will have walking dead expressions and your outing will resemble the before shots at the orthodontist.

5. When posing for a group picture, do not put up two fingers behind the head of the person next to you. If you do, at best, you will ruin what could have been a nice picture. At worst, everyone in the photo will be able to attest that those two fingers represent the number of drinks that it takes to get you blotto.

4. If you have had too much to drink, do not show up in each picture with your red solo cup. If you do, at best, you will have a chronicle of your behavior. At worst, you will document your own downfall and will have to face the inevitable slide show every time you and your friends get together.

3. When taking pictures of the scenic wonders of America, do not take photos from a moving vehicle. If you do, at best, you might catch a tree or two in the blur. At worst, you will have lovely landscape colors that resemble finger paints to show, as a result, of your trip.

2. When trying to capture the romantic nature of the moonlight over the lake, do not use a cell phone camera. If you do, at best, you might get what appears to be a pin head in the night. At worst, you will have a close up view of your fingerprint that can be used as a new form of identification.

1. When taking pictures of pets, children, or anything on the ground, do not stand as tall as you are and take the shot. If you do, at best, you will get shots of little frightened beings resembling something out of The Hobbit. At worst, since you are not down at their level, your angle of attack will produce nothing but tops of the innocent little heads.

Friday Johnku

June 20, 2014June 20, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

Friday glorious Friday. Yes it’s true another eight hours to freedom. As we all know, freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. So how did the week go? Was it as productive as you wanted it to be? Was it as hectic? Here sit down and lean back and tell me all about it.

Wouldn’t it be great to have someone who would provide that service? Our loved ones do provide support, but there comes a point where our complaints, no matter how legitimate they may seem to us, sound like whining. It is why I think a service could be very beneficial. You go in. You talk about what bothers you and the service listens and provides you with sympathetic support. Of course the service might be expensive. I’m thinking how much it cost to visit a therapist only to be asked, “how does that make you feel?” Then after tons of money spent there is that divining moment where the therapist says, “that’s where it is at. Isn’t it John?”

To avoid the expense maybe the same effect can be reached at the corner bar. Of course at the bar you will be forced to hear other stories and provide the same sympatric support as you received. In some cases given the troubles you will hear you will be giving an inordinate amount of support relative to what you get back. Maybe a dog is the answer. Our Johnku today explores the concept of sympathy. Hope you like it. Oh and the term Johnku was coined by the wonderful blogger Words4jp.

Trials are faced alone,

Then one too heavy weighs in . . .

Beg for sympathy.

Story Day

June 18, 2014June 13, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Wednesday is upon us once again. Not sure I have ever said that before, but at least we are all pretty happy the week is sliding by as smoothly as possible. If it’s not I am sorry and I hope it gets better as time goes on. Before I get into the story today I need to explain a little about the inspiration. I was reading a post by Pam Beckford on her blog Year Round Thanksgiving project when I noticed she mentioned a new neighbor at work. In the course of the comments back and forth, I also found out her new neighbor took her parking place. I sort of hinted that such an act was would make homicide justifiable. Pam being the good person she is, would not cotton to the idea, but suggested perhaps my character Frank could do the job. This became the prompt for this week’s story. Also in case you didn’t know it, Pam has a poetry blog simply titled Poetry by Pamela. You can find excellent words there.

The title of the story is Parking Place (of course) and stars my favorite jagoff Fran

“We want to welcome you to the firm Frank. If you ever need anything please let us know.”

“Thank you Mr. Talsman. I have certainly looked forward to this day. I think this will be a mutually fulfilling relationship.”

“I’m so glad to hear that Frank. So many young people come in here expecting the company to take care of them. It’s refreshing to have someone who understands it is a two-way street.”

“I will give it my best sir.”

“I’m sure you will Frank. Now I would like you to meet Larry here. Larry is going to show you around.”

“Nice to meet you Larry.”

“Yes. Very nice meeting you Frank. You two go now and good luck. I have to get a move on I have a meeting downtown and I hear the traffic is pretty bad. I didn’t drive to work today so I need to get a cab to the train.”

“Thank you Mr. Talsman.”

“You’re welcome Frank.”

“So Larry tell me all the ways to stay out of trouble.”

“It’s real easy Frank. The only way I have ever heard anyone get into trouble is to take Mr. Talsman’s parking place.”

“Wow. Who would do that?”

“It’s interesting Frank. The spot is not clearly marked. Mr. Talisman’s name is real small and if a person is in a rush it could be missed. One guy parked there and Talsman fired him on the spot.”

“But still. Isn’t it up front?”

“No actually it is in the rear. Mr. Talsman uses the rear door so he can come and go without running into any salespeople in the lobby.”

“In the rear? It wouldn’t be right by the door would it?”

“Yeah. Right to the left of the door.”

“Oh my god. I thought I was lucky that a space was open so close. I think I took Talsman’s spot.”

“Lucky for you he didn’t drive today.”

“Excuse me Frank, Larry.”

“Mr. Talsman.”

“Frank, may I see you in my office please?”

Top Ten Things Not to do on a Plane

June 16, 2014June 14, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 50th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane

10. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can fake being 75 or older so you won’t have to take off your shoes since you are self-conscious about foot odor. At best, the TSA agents will just roll their eyes as you stoop and shuffle over and then will patiently insist that you remove your shoes since your ID makes it clear that you are not as old as you claim. At worst, the TSA agents will decide that you must have some mental health issues and flag you as someone to be examined in the TSA office which causes you to miss your plane and totally gross out the TSA agents in the small examination room with your smelly feet.

9. When traveling by plane, do not expect that the happy, cooing baby seated behind you will remain happy and cooing once the plane takes off. At best, the parents will attend immediately to the baby whenever it starts to cry. At worst, the parents will ignore the baby, as apparently they always do, and it will be your eardrums which will suffer more from the baby’s ear-splitting screams than from the change in cabin air pressure which is causing the screaming.

8. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the carry-on bag you bought online for half-price will actually fit in an overhead bin. At best, you’ll be the first to wedge your bag into the bin and can ignore the other passengers whose bags are smaller but unable to fit because your bag is so large. At worst, a big guy named Tiny will pull out your bag, drop it in your lap, and put in his own. You’ll be stuck having to check your oversized carry-on at the last-minute unless you foolishly want to argue with Tiny.

7. When traveling by plane, do not think you can escape screaming babies by hiding in the lavatory. If you do, at best, you’ll only face a long line of angry passengers when you finally come out as the plane is preparing to land. At worst, the flight crew will summon an air marshal and forcefully extricate you at a most inconvenient moment.

6. When traveling by plane, do not think you can time your use of the lavatory to coincide with the smoothest part of the flight. At best, you’ll be lucky and only be slightly jostled about on the toilet as the plane hits some minor turbulence. At worst, the plane will hit an air pocket, causing the plane to drop sharply, you to accidentally open the lavatory door as you grab the handle for stability, and the flight crew to be forever marred by an image of your blue water-colored naked bottom half.

5. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. If you do, at best, that passenger and all the ones behind will be the doing the same thing, causing a strange but convenient domino effect. At worst, the passenger behind you will show displeasure by choosing that time to pitch forward and have a sneezing fit over your head making you wish you had brought an umbrella.

4. When traveling by plane, do not think it would be a fun idea to tease your fellow passenger’s cat while the passenger is in the lavatory. At best, the cat will only hiss and growl as it backs into the corner of the pet taxi when you stick your fingers through the grate. At worst, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the flight attendant and your fellow passenger when you ask for help in retrieving your hand from PsychoKitty’s clamped jaw.

3. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can imbibe several alcoholic drinks and somehow be sober when your 10-hour flight ends. At best, the flight attendant will be aware of your naiveté and water down your drinks so you can disembark without assistance. At worst, you drink yourself into a Bermuda Triangle stupor and wake up hours later in a TSA’s office, strapped to a wheelchair and not having answers to the questions being asked by Fritz the head interrogator.

2. When traveling by plane, on your return flight, do not think your fellow passengers will find it amusing if you sing along with the movie Happy Feet, which you’ve seen several times already. At best, all the passengers will choose to use headsets to tune you out. At worst, you just might be faced with a mass passenger mutiny where walking the plank takes on new meaning at thirty-five thousand feet.

1, When traveling by plane, do not pull an Alec Baldwin and insist on taking a cell phone call just when the captain requests that everyone turn off their phones and other electronic devices. At best, a flight attendant will gently but firmly take your phone away from you and refuse to return it until your plane has landed. At worst, the captain and flight crew will pay a personal visit to your seat and escort you off the plane, (after landing if you are lucky) totally ignoring your claim to be a very important person.

Friday is Here. Happy Day

June 13, 2014June 6, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here we are pulling into the last day of the workweek. I can almost hear those factory whistles go off and Fred Flintstone do his Yabba, Dabba, Doo call signaling his delight with it being over. (Unfortunately for most of this ancient history will be lost on you) I remember having a number of bosses who viewed Friday with some elements of remorse. It was almost like they were sorry the work week was over and they would now be forced to spend time with the spouse and children. I had a boss one time who became depressed when Friday rolled around and thought up all kinds of excuses as to why we needed to “get together to go over the next week” on Saturday. This same boss tried it on Sunday as well, but I knew the button to push. “I will be happy to meet you. Why don’t you come to church with us and we can talk after?” That one made the difference. Never had another Sunday invitation. So this week’s Johnku (this term was coined by the wonderful blogger Words4jp) is titled Mournful Boss.

Mournful Boss by John W. Howell

Bliss Friday arrives,

Happiness for entire world . . .

Mourning boss alone.

Hope you all have a great weekend and if you would like to share a boss story go for it.

Wednesday Story Day and Hump Day

June 11, 2014June 6, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

Wednesday at last. This week seems like it is in a contest to see who can move the slowest. Well, we are at the halfway mark and time for a story. The story today is based on a real life experience I had the last week. I have to travel to San Antonio for medical care and each six weeks I need to have an infusion to ward off the effects of an auto-immune disease which is my body attacking me. Anyway I was traveling along interstate 37 and had just entered the police protectorate zone of San Antonio. The speed limit changes from 75 to 70 just as one crosses the San Antonio River. I have been making this trip for two years and my custom is to adjust my cruise control from 81 MPH in the 75 zone to 70 MPG in a 70.

Well, there I was, cruising at 81, listening to the Classic Queen CD. I was also looking for the pills I’m supposed to take an hour before the procedure. I find the pills, open a water, take the pills and wash them down. All fine and dandy with one exception, I had crossed the demark from 75 to 70 and was preoccupied. A minute after I had the feeling something was wrong, one of San Antonio’s finest was suggesting strongly I pull over. Not wanting to add evasion to an already serious offense (11 miles over the speed limit) I stopped. I pulled off right next to the 70 MPH sign. Unfortunately I had been in the 70 zone for a few minutes and really had no excuse. I guess I could have mentioned my procedure, but one look at the officer and I knew he wouldn’t give a rip. I kept my dignity and didn’t beg for mercy. Lucky for me, since he didn’t give me any. I get to pay $114.00 and the cost of traffic school. So here is a riff on a traffic stop. Of course, it stars my old pal Frank. Hope you like it.

“Any idea why I pulled you over?”

“Not only do I not have a clue, but this has never happened to me before.”

“Yes I’m sure. Well I had you at 81 in a 70 zone.”

“81 in a 70? So what?”

“So what? Do you realize how unsafe that kind of speed could be to innocent drivers who get in your way?”

“No one gets in my way. Speaking of in the way, tell me again what gave you the idea to pull me over?”

“First of all sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and remain in your vehicle. You are in enough trouble without adding any other charges.”

“Any other charges? Are you crazy? You don’t have the authority to add anything. And as far as remaining in my car is concerned I will damn well do what I please. I believe this is an unlawful stop and I just might be forced to swear out a complaint against you. What is your name again? I missed it the first time.”

“My name is Frank.”

“Frank what?”

“I don’t think that is any of your business.”

“Well Frank. Now that you have interfered with police business by detaining me from my appointed rounds. Now that you refuse to identify yourself to an officer of the law when requested. Now that you have demonstrated that you could be a safety risk to yourself and others, you are under arrest. You have the right to an attorney and if you can’t afford an attorney one will be provided by the court. Anything you say, can and will be held against you in a court of law. Do you understand these rights Frank?

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Weekend

June 9, 2014June 6, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 49th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

10. On the weekend, do not attempt to catch up on all the sleep you missed during the week. If you do attempt, at best, you may miss a few meals. At worst, you might just find Monday morning arriving way too soon.

9. On the weekend, do not try to complete a week’s worth of exercise in one weekend day. If you do, at best, your body will remind you to take it easy next time. At worst, you will need to call EMS to help you out of bed Monday morning.

8. On the weekend, do not try to drink all the beer and margaritas you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will still feel bad the following Friday. At worst, you could have a monumental lost weekend and wake up naked, restrained to a gurney at the county hospital with no idea how you got there nor how long you’ve been naked.

7. On the weekend do not feel you must fill in every hour with an activity to make up for the sedentary week. If you do, at best, you just might need a vacation after the weekend is over. At worst, you may be in a position to regret not having a stress test a little sooner.

6. On the weekend, do not power shop to make up for the times you were at work during the week. If you do, at best, you may see the end of the available money before the end of the available time to shop. At worst, you ignore the end of the money warning and continue shopping until your credit card company mercifully cuts you off in the most exclusive store.

5. On the weekend, do not do a marathon of chores hoping to catch up on those you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will run out of daylight before the work is done. At worst, you will run out of energy and be faced with the end of the weekend and the prospect of an exhausted Monday morning.

4. On the weekend, do not try to watch every show you recorded during the week. If you do, at best, you will feel you have worked all weekend just watching TV. At worst, you will show up on Monday with bloodshot eyes and pasty skin leading everyone to believe you were in solitary confinement in jail for the weekend.

3. On the weekend, do not take a little work home with you. If you do, at best, you will have to sneak around to get it done before the family finds out. At worst, your boss will find out you are working during the weekend so the little work will turn into two full days of business as usual.

2. On the weekend, if you are a writer, do not try to not write. If you do, at best, you will become increasingly grumpy until your family locks you in your writing room. At worst, you will be successful in not writing and will be crushed by the guilt of ages simply because you are now two thousand words off your target causing you to change genres from Romance to Horror Fiction.

1. On the weekend, do not forget to find time to relax and recharge. If you do forget, at best, your productivity for the next week will suffer. At worst, your nerves will probably be at the point of shatter and all will let loose when your hapless boss asks you to stay for an hour more on Monday with significantly ugly results.