Since the historical picture looks a little light on humor, I decided I would make a top ten list that I have wanted to do for a while. I hope you like it.
Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text
by John W. Howell ©2019
10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended’s battery has failed. At worst, your reply with being a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, the idea of marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make a right partner.)
9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny the WWF champ when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I think I would lay back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)
8 If you are texting, do not tell someone that a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your battery will die. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental break down, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)
7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a life long enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face to face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)
6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this.” If you do, at best, you’ll say “great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite pick.)
5 If you are testing, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient will turn off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)
4 If you are texting, do not ask the question, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)
3 If you are testing, do not send a text asking where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)
2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)
1 If you are testing, don’t send a message that has drama around it like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you won’t like. ( “I was out with Bill,” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)
A glowing skeleton who lost his legs and a coven of ghosts.
Major spider infestation.
The last laugh is on us. I hope you enjoyed the little tour.
