Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981

~ John W. Howell

 

This week marks the 38th anniversary of the launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981. Most of us were around for this event but probably didn’t pay attention to it when it happened. So let’s go back now that we have the knowledge of what Windows became and view the historic occasion. I have made a list of the Top Ten things not to do as we take a time trip. We wouldn’t want to disrupt the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.

10 If you go to the launch, do not ask to see the view from the windows. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, Bill Gates will call security since you obviously don’t belong here. (Now you’ve done it, Jody. You’ve drawn attention to yourself by cracking the most inane joke of the day. Here come the guards. Might be time to leave.)

9 If you go to the launch, do not try to take the mouse from Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be finished playing Pong and will give it to you. At worst, Tiny, who has not attended his sharing group session for three weeks, is just not in the mood to give up the mouse. (You can do one of two things, Johann. 1. Walk away. 2. Find out what it is like to be slammed to the floor and held down for the count of three. Yeah, walking is a good choice.)

8 If you go to the launch, do not ask how to get on the web. If you do, at best, folks will think you a strange lover of spiders. At worst, you’ll try to explain the worldwide web when public access is ten years away. (Some of the people think you are brilliant, Johnn. Most think you are totally nuts. I think it might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the launch, do not ask about Microsoft Word. If you do, at, best, no one will hear you. At worst, Bill Gates will become apoplectic since Word is a top-secret project scheduled for launch in 1983. (Those big guys making their way toward you, Jonn are Gates security men and they want to have a talk with you. They are thinking of rubber hoses and a water tank. Good luck with that.)

6 If you go to the launch, do not sing the song Cherish by Kool and the Gang thinking you’ll fit in. If you do, at best you’ll have a good voice. At worst, since the song did not become popular until 1985, a Hollywood type wants to sign you to a recording contract. ( So what are you going to do now, Jordain? We have a serious continuum tear possibility here. if you accept that $100,000 advance.)

5 If you go to the launch, do not discuss the sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you do, at best, you can always say you were kidding. At worst, people will get the idea that you are not from around there. (There are so many scientists here that you may not be able to explain your way out of your time travel situation, Jordy. Best to hit the way back button)

4 If you go to the launch, do not ask Bill Gates’ date if she would like a ride in your Volkswagon Vanagon. If you do, at best, she’ll ignore you. At worst, she will think you are a nutcase. (You see you may think the Vanagon is cool, Jorg, but in the day there was a definite hippy vibe around it. It looks like Bill has a problem with the freestyle kind of life. Yes, those are police.)

3 If you go to the launch, do not order a Bud Light at the bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will be confused, and you can say, Miller Lite. At worst, since Bud Light was introduced a year later, suspicions will rise. (Most have been looking at you with some skepticism, Jorian, this might be the last straw. Yes, the police have been called.)

2 If you go to the launch, do not pull out a package of Nerds candy. If you do, at best, folks will like them. At worst, someone will ask where to buy Nerds. (Nerds were introduced in 1983, so you may have some trouble telling folks where to get them, Jory. Just tell them these are imported from England. Worked for Skittles.)

1 If you go to the launch, do not wear your Apple watch. If you do, at best people will think it’s a toy. At worst, Bill Gates will want one. (Just how are you going to convince Steve Jobs that he ought to make one for Bill, huh, Joselito? I think you are in a real pickle

48 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981”

  5. Is there a way we could visit the day before the launch and do something so stupid that Bill would scuttle the whole project? A tear in the continuum, perhaps, but we might be better for it.

    Great job, John. Tiny can keep the mouse.

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  6. I love time travel and this was the best. I was in the 3270 world at this time and I was not surrounded by forward thinking people. I would like to have a word about Word, though.

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  7. It’s crazy to think that was thirty eight years ago.

    As far as Kool and the Gang, yeah don’t mess with their classic stuff. But if you wish to sing some Green Day at the event- and in the process, hopefully cancel them out of the future- have at it, please.

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  12. Back in the old neighborhood, there was a hippie, a very big guy, who wore a sports-jacket with no shirt. I couldn’t think of a better metaphor for Windows 1.0 than formal coat over a bare belly.

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    1. Sounds like a good choice. MS still launches everything in what can be described as a Beta version. We users work out the bugs. (formal coat on the outside. Ugly on the inside.)

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  16. Stunning, dear John! What an idea to be enlisted in your incredible “10 things not to do”…Haven’t you thought to make “10 places not to go”. by the way? Your satiric mind would make it very funny!

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  18. I’m a little worried that I’ve never heard of Nerds candy, the Vanagon, or Kool and the Gang’s “Cherish.” That song belongs to The Association, thank you very much! What I wonder is whether anyone at MS headquarters ever loaded up The Hampster Dance. I think it might have been the original meme.

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