This post originally ran on October 13, 2014. Since some of us are still over seventy, repeating might make sense.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age
10 If you are over seventy, make sure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. This will be discovered by the customer service person surrounded by twenty other diners.
9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out, and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a nice reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin-like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred really sick and injured people who all got there ahead of you.
8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal at the checkout counter and sign whatever is there, and it matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the local newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.
7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.
6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your routine will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection
5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short, slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is unsuitable for your pacemaker performance.
4 If you are over seventy, do not drive in the left lane ever. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper that you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.
3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have fallen to the underside of your arm.
2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any time earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”
1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will finish your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)
