The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the American Football Field

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Dave Adamson on Unsplash

This was posted on January 26, 2016. Since we just finished the playoffs, this looks like good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was this season’s NFL playoffs. There were enough punches thrown during the various games and enough trash talk to fill a stadium. Although I was not a party to any of the conversations, my imagination went to the point of asking the question,  “What could one player say to another that would warrant an attempted punch to the nose. (I say attempted since most players are guarded by a facemask, and it would be tough to make a fist-to-nose contact.) Also, I know none of us play American football, but what if we did? I hope you enjoy the post since we are now in the last moments of this season.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the American Football Field

10 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard they were losing their Nike endorsement. If you do, at best, the player will think you are joking. At worst, the player will assume you have the endorsement and will try the fist-to-nose maneuver. (You know those endorsements don’t come easy.)

9 If you are on the football field, do not ask another player about last night. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare. At worst, the player will assume you know something and will court a penalty to take you out. (Last night is something players never mention. Right?)

8 If you are on the football field, do not tell a player he looks cute on the jumbotron. If you do, at best, the player will avoid you for the rest of the game. At worst, the player will finally get that you wanted to tempt him to look continually at the jumbotron and will take you out with a chop block. (It was a good try and pretty funny when he went downfield for a pass and couldn’t take his eyes off himself.)

7 If you are on the football field, do not make fun of another player’s Ferrari color. If you do, at best, he will tease you about not having one. At worst, the player will start to become self-conscious about his choice of purple and take it out on you. (The dealer did call it Red Cassis, though)

6 If you are on the football field, do not mention the nasty tweet that the player made, which required a huge apology. If you do, at best, the player will give you a knuckle sandwich warning. At worst, just when you thought you were going to catch that game-winning touchdown, you wake up in the hospital instead. (Never saw it coming, did ya bunkie. Oh, and by the way, your team lost.)

5 If you are on the football field, do not ask a player if that is his mother in the stands. If you do, at best, he won’t have time to think about it and just smile. At worst, he will realize you are talking about his latest date and will make a tackle you’ll remember well into the next season. (You should always be respectful. Right?)

4 If you are on the football field, do not tackle a player and then say, “That was easy.” If you do, at best, the player will throw you off. At worst, you and the player will look like children on the playground punching each other on the ground in front of thirty million viewers. (Why won’t the press leave this one alone, you wonder?)

3 If you are on the football field, do not put your face mask into another player’s face mask and tell him he’s ugly. If you do, at best, you know a fist-to-nose attempt is on its way. At worst, you will wonder what happened right after your helmet went airborne and the lights went out. (No way to talk to a 350-pound tackle)

2 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard his Super Bowl ring is in a pawn shop. If you do, at best, you will be on the ground on the next play. At worst, you will be the center of attention on a time-out and cart ride back to the locker room. (Learned a lesson about finance, didn’t you)

1 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that your agent is the same as his. If you do, at best, the game will be a series of who can outdo who. At worst, since you both behaved so poorly, your agent has now cut you both loose. (A bit of discretion could have avoided all this angst.)

79 thoughts on “The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the American Football Field”

      1. I did see Kelce screaming, “You got to fight for your right to P*A*R*T*Y*!!” He looked like a wigged-out high school jock – no class, yet Swift was staring up at him like a teenager ready to jump the stage and kiss Paul McCartney!
        How’s that – I got a millionaire athlete and a billionaire rock ‘n’ roller at once!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I chuckled at your comment that there’s more Hollywood in the game these days. There are more camera shots of the celebrities in the stands than replays of on-field action. (You know of whom I speak!)

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Very appropriate for this past weekend when some jawing and shoving went on in the games. At least you didn’t include a warning not to talk about the opponent’s mother’s sex life!
    Go Chiefs!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Yes, I come from the old-school attitude of “act like you’ve been there before.” I love the game, but the unnecessary trash talk rubs me wrong. Two good games yesterday. Let’s hope the Super Bowl is a tight game.

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      1. I had no rooting interest, though I felt bad for the long-time Detroit fans. It would have been a tough pill to swallow, considering their big lead. Momentum is a funny thing in sports.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. You’d think that grown men getting paid millions of dollars just for dressing up cute and throwing a little ball around a few times a year would have better manners, wouldn’t you? 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I appreciate the effort you put into this list, and I agree in principle. However, I think the proliferation of ‘unwritten’ rules in these popular sports is indicative of the athletes perilous dive toward diva territory. They run the risk of losing their fanbase
    interest. Most fans I talk to would rather have less rules and more action. Unwritten rules, as they are so arbitrary, just add more distractions to the ‘flow’ of the game. Just let them play! Strip away ‘unwritten rules’ and put them in the same trash bin as ‘overuse of replay’, too many timeouts, too many commercial breaks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Of course without the rules the games would move along and cut down on the beer consumption opportunity. The end result might be the same dissatisfaction. 😁 Thanks for your insight Chuckster. I agree with you. I also wish there were play by play personnel who would stick to the facts of the game and forget about “what should happen here,” and words like physicality.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. I agree with what was said above (“Not a big fan of the antics after a touchdown or sack.”)

    Besides, I don’t watch sports. I’m an anarchist/communist/socialist/drunkard.

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