On January 8th, 1815 A rag-tag army under Andrew Jackson defeats the British on the fields of Chalmette in the Battle of New Orleans. Since this piece of history is fascinating you may want to go and observe. If you do, take this list with you and maybe you can avoid and trouble time travel-wise.

10 If you go, do not ask anyone if they have heard the song, Battle of New Orleans by Johnny Horton. If you do, at best no one can understand you. At worst, someone will ask you to sing it. (When you get to the part about using a gator as a cannon, Jackie you might want to explain you were just kidding.)

9 If you go, do not ignore a command from Tiny the WWF champ to help build an earthen barrier that will be used to protect the Americans from the British. If you do, at best Tiny will become preoccupied with something shiny. At worst, since Tiny has missed his last four anger management sessions he forgot about snapping the band around his wrist. ( He is now snapping your bones, Jacobe. Don’t worry usually two snaps of the band calms him down. You might want to yell, “wrist band.” If couldn’t hurt.)

8 If you go, do not wear your favorite red sweater. If you do, at best all the sharpshooters know a sweater when they see one. At worst, your sweater will be mistaken for a British uniform. (The outcome of this is not good, Jacobus. There are no less than 2500 angry shooters from Kentucky anxious for practice. I think I would take it off. DUH.)

7 If you go, do not turn your nose up at spicy cajun food. If you do, at best you can find something else to eat. At worst, you will be left on your own for food. (There is no organic store here, Jacorey. Just suck it up and eat the beans and rice. Besides, the spice will keep down dysentery.)

6 If you go, do not expect a Kentucky militiaman to loan you a rifle. If you do, at best you might be able to borrow a knife. At worst, since many of the militiamen did not bring there own weapons, there is a short supply. (You just might have to fill a gator’s mouth with cannonballs and powder his behind, Jacque. In fact, Andrew Jackson said, “I don’t understand these guys not bringing their guns. I have never seen a Kentuckian without a gun, a pack of cards, and a bottle of whiskey in my life.”)

5 If you go, do not try to convince everyone that the Treaty of Ghent, which was signed by the British and Americans on December 24, 1814, made the battle unnecessary. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, General Jackson will order you to go tell the British to stop advancing on New Orleans.  (You are in a fine kettle of fish, Jacques. Unknown to you the British forces have orders to attack in spite of the treaty being signed. So how’s it feel to be in the middle. Yes, those are bullets from both sides.)

4 If you go, do not ask Jean Laffite how his British friends are doing. If you do, at best, Jean will think you are joking. At worst, since he is double-crossing the British, he may take offense. (Jean agreed to help the British and is now helping the Americans, Jacy. So he is not very happy with you for pointing out his relationship with the British. When Jean says to walk the plank, he is not talking about the deck of the ship. Good luck, treading water.)

3 If you go, do not tell the British where their misplaced ladders are located. If you do, at best, it won’t help them. At worst, they will be able to scale the rampart Jackson built to keep the British out of New Orleans. (Old hickory is sure mad at you, Jadon. He had the 1500 yard rampart built to repel the British who lost the ladders needed to do it. I would tell the British you were kidding and don’t know where the ladders are being kept before you alter the outcome of the battle or Jackson has you shot.).

2 If you go, do not question the decision to put New Orleans under martial law. If you do, at best, Jackson won’t hear about it. At worst, General Jackson will personally let you know to mind your own business. (Andrew Jackson felt strongly that without martial law, the city could not be controlled. Yes, your writ of Habeas Corpus has been suspended, Jae. Good luck in solitary on bread and water.)

1 If you go, do not ask for a glass of bourbon on bourbon street. If you do, at best you’ll get some funny looks. At worst, those you ask will know you are not from around here. (French engineer Adrien de Pauger laid out the streets of New Orleans in 1721 and chose one to carry the name of the French royal family ruling at the time, Rue Bourbon, Jafar. It is not named for the drink which wasn’t called Bourbon until the 1850s.)