The inspiration for this list came after attending some parties recently. Although I’m not a psychologist I can only surmise the individuals I happened to run into were behaving in an abnormal manner. In searching for truth, I Googled social disorders and came upon “Cocktail Party Guest” and the explanation became clear. I hope you enjoy the list. If you are at times, a cocktail party guest know this list is with love.
10 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say.”How are you?” If you do at best, you will only have to stand for ten or so minutes for the rundown. At worst, you will be forced to take the person home with you since you now are forced into the position of Good Samaritan. (You had hoped they would say, “Fine,” like everyone else didn’t you?)
9 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not admit you are a writer. If you do, at best the person will tell you some stories they are going to write. At worst, you will be forced into a corner and have to admit the person reminds you of Ernest Hemingway. (Of course, maybe one of those stories will be your next novel)
8 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not mention your last vacation. If you do, At best you will have to attempt to get away after the second holiday story. At worst, you will watch your ice melt as you go on a verbal tour of all the continents. (Don’t you wish a trap door would open and drop you ten stories to the furnace room.)
7 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask what they do. If you do, at best they will try to convince you they own the city. At worst, they will be in the selling profession and won’t let you go until you sign up for a cleaning product pyramid scheme. (Wasn’t this the project that you read about where all the officers of the company went to jail?)
6 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask where they live. If you do, at best they will assume you are trying to type their social/economic status. At worst, the person will believe that you are a cat burglar and have designs on their jewels and money. (In each, case you didn’t get an answer and the latter begs the question, did you enjoy the police escort home?)
5 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not be the first to mention your kids. If you do, at best, the person has you outnumbered by a factor of two children. At worst, the person you are talking to has just returned from Washington where they witnessed the President giving their child the Student of the Year award. (Man, it could not get any more humiliating than that huh, Bunky?)
4 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not raise a political point. If you do, at best the person is a political science professor at the college, and you are in for a pretty long evening. At worst, the person is a member of a splinter group who have as a mission the destruction of the two-party system. (How do you feel going home with your very own AK 47 gift)
3 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not admit you know nothing about Doctor No or Marvel Comic characters. If you do, at best you will need to find someone else with which to talk. At worst, the person will take the next three hours providing the background and an in-depth synopsis of every episode or character. (Remember to relax your knees now and then, so you don’t pass out.)
2 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not make a negative comment about the party. If you do, at best the person will disagree and then tell the host. At worst, you will make your unfortunate comments to the unknown spouse of the host who just happens to play golf once a week with your boss. (That meeting with the boss on Monday might be a little tense hey Bud?)
1 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not keep calling them by the wrong name. If you do, at best the fourth correction will verify you are an idiot. At worst, unbeknownst to you, this person has been hired by the company you work for to come in and weed out the deadwood. (You may not be too old to find another job. Yeah Right?)