Tag: fiction favorites

Seven Rules to a Caster Duel – Guest Post by Charles Yallowitz

~ John W. Howell ~ 10 Comments

Last week saw the announcement of Charles Yallowitz’s new book Tribe of the Snow Tiger. I am so please to have Charles back for a guest post. So here’s Charles.

Cover Art by Jason Pedersen
Cover Art by Jason Pedersen     Click the cover to visit Amazon

A big thank you to John for having me for a guest post so soon after being part of the promotional tour for my latest book, Legends of Windemere: Tribe of the Snow Tiger. This is the 10th volume of my fantasy series and it has a battle that I’ve been dying to write for a few years. As the warriors fight, two powerful casters are going to unleash their full power in their greatest confrontation to date. So of course, I have to give some tips on how to act if you’re challenged to a caster duel.
1 Don’t start the fight until opening threats and bluster have been completed. It’s very rude to throw a lightning bolt in the middle of an enemy’s speech. You might not like each other, but you don’t have to be mean. Besides, there’s always a chance that they’ll say something that leads to your own epic comeback and the banter will go down in bardic history.
2 No weapons. This is about magic versus magic. You want to use a club, sword, or a dagger? Then put away the books, get some sun, and . . . Okay, maybe ease into the sunlight before you burn like a vampire in the Sahara.
3 Try to move during the fight because people might be watching from very far away. The last thing you want is to be remembered as the person who forgot that dodging is just as important as attacking. Shields are fine, but you better make them flashy or your reputation will take longer to heal than your injuries.
4 For the love of every god and goddess in your magical world, use shield spells. I know your father said a good defense is an aggressive offense, but a lightning bolt to the belly button tends to be a fight ender.
5 Be nice to the people who will be living near the collection of rubble and craters that you’re about to create. Give them a warning before the fight and maybe even time it for when it’s least intrusive to their lives. Nothing ruins a dinner or work day like fireballs exploding and the earth-shaking. While on this topic, livestock shouldn’t be transformed into creatures of destruction unless you’re ready to pay the owners for new ones.
6 Know the power and experience of your enemy before you even think about making the challenge. Yes, you were the top of your class at the academy and now you travel with a famous warrior to battle evil. That doesn’t mean you can take on the drunk caster you see at the bar or the young woman who mentions only having two years of adventuring under her belt. Both may have the sheer power to beat the book knowledge out of your head, put it into the person next to you, and return it for whatever is left in your money pouch.
7 No drinking during a caster duel unless you or your opponent are Dwarven. It’s hard enough to aim those big spells when you’re sober and dodging enemy attacks at ever-increasing speeds. If you really want to have some mead then skip the destructive battle and challenge your enemy to a drinking contest. Maybe you’ll make a friend and avoid getting a bill for collateral damage.

Charles Yallowitz was born and raised on Long Island, NY, but he has spent most of his life wandering his own imagination in a blissful haze. Occasionally, he would return from this world for the necessities such as food, showers, and Saturday morning cartoons. One day he returned from his imagination and decided he would share his stories with the world. After his wife decided that she was tired of hearing the same stories repeatedly, she convinced him that it would make more sense to follow his dream of being a fantasy author. So, locked within the house under orders to shut up and get to work, Charles brings you Legends of Windemere. He looks forward to sharing all of his stories with you, and his wife is happy he finally has someone else to play with.

Blog: www.legendsofwindemere.com
Twitter: @cyallowitz
Facebook: Charles Yallowitz
Website: www.charleseyallowitz.com

 

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

College Meme

Wednesday Story day again. Last week we witnessed Ben and Alexis come together and discovered they are absolutely on different pages. Alexis looked like she was trying to find out what Ben was planning to do. If so, she was probably an agent of Trudy Worthe. The two did discover that Mrs. Worthe told each that the other was through with them. I sure wouldn’t trust Mrs. Worthe if I were Alexis and I certainly wouldn’t act as her agent. But, who am I? I’m just writing this stuff down, and these two need to sort it out for themselves. Let’s go back and see how they do it.
“Ben, I’ve been thinking.”
“Okay. About what?”
“I’m not too pleased with my mother for telling me you didn’t want to see me.”
“how do you think I feel about her after she told me you were through with me.?”
“I’ll bet that hurt.”
“More than you know.”
“I’m sorry. I should have come to you sooner.”
“Well, if you thought I didn’t want to see you, why would you?”
“My mother is a bitch.”
“I think there would be a lot of folks who would agree. Did she tell you to come in here and get some information from me?”
“She did. I don’t know why I followed her directions, though.”
“You are her daughter, and you can’t help yourself. We need to make up some story that you can tell her.”
“I don’t think she will believe that you don’t have a plan. She knows you are too smart for that response.”
“Why thank you, you’re making me blush. Let me see. How about going back to the old plant that I’m going to tell Father Lightfoot about the plan to blow up the Student Union and then ask him to call the police.”
“You’re not going to do that are you?”
“No of course not. She needs to believe you, though.”
“Oh, I see. I think that will work.”
“Okay then. Tell her that when you report in.”
“I feel sorry that you think I was spying on you.’
“I know your mother. Think nothing of it.”
“I love you, my dear Ben.”
“I love you, my dear Alexis. Now tell her so we can see what she is going to do.”
“Okay. See you later.”
“I hope so. Bye.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Creative Kue #79 by Keith Channing

~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

Another prompt by Keith Channing. In his words, “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; and either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithkreates@channing.fr before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here – for reasons I have yet to fathom, pingbacks don’t seem to be working.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or web site, next Monday.”

Here is the photo.

Kreative Kue #79

Morning by John W. Howell © 2016

“Good morning, Trevor. What a beautiful day today.”

“Wha. Oh no. Is it morning already?”

“Yes it is and time to start the day.”

“Aw, no boss. I had a rough night last night. I need a couple a more hours in the sack.”

“The sack, as you call it, is my bed, and I would like to make it up now.”

“I’m telling you boss. I’m not a well dog. I think I’m running a fever.”

“Sure you are. I heard you making that ruckus last night. What was it the Johnson’s cat?”

“The Johnson’s cat? Paaalease. I wouldn’t walk across the street to give that brat a drink of water if she were dying of thirst.”

“My. my. This statement is coming from the guy who couldn’t seem to leave her alone. What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on Trevor. Let’s have out with the truth.”

“Nothing happened. Could we forget about it?”

“Now I know something’s fishy.”

“Good choice of words.”

“Ah ha. There is something then.”

“Not really. It is a small thing.”

“That has you laying in bed like a sick dog.”

“Okay. I’ll tell you, but not a word to mom okay?”

“You have my word, not a word.”

“Mittsy, that’s the Johnson’s cat’s name. Mittsy came up to the back door and tried to get through the dog door.”

“Well, she does that all the time and I know her name.”

“I’m trying to tell a complete story. Anyway, she was carrying a fish.”

“A fish?”

“Gee boss. Have you lost your hearing or something?”

“No, I was surprised to hear she had a fish. What happened next?”

“I told her to drop the fish or no entrance.”

“So she dropped it.’

“Well not exactly. She ran into the house and I lost her for a while.”

“But you found her.”

“Yes.”

“Where was she?”

“I don’t think ‘was’ is the correct word. You should ask ‘Where is she'”

“Okay, so where is she?”

“I was trying to save you from this, but no you had to know. Pull back the covers.”

“Oh my gosh. Mittsy. What are you doing here? And why is this disgusting fish in my bed.”

“If I may boss, she snuck in your bed while you were sound asleep. Yes, that fish is disgusting.”

“Meow?”

“What did she say?”

“She doesn’t speak human boss. She said she brought the fish as a gift. You should have let me take care of this.”

“Everyone out.”

Top Ten Things Not to do on Memorial Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

Memorial Day

 

As you know, I would normally have a Top Ten list which contains tongue in cheek advice on how to behave under certain circumstances.

Today I only have one thing on the list that I could repeat ten times (but I won’t).

On Memorial Day, do not go through the day without remembering those who gave their lives so that we can continue to celebrate such a beautiful remembrance.

Here is wishing you a peaceful holiday.

 

Sunday – Views of the Neighborhood

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

I thought I would give you some idea of what kind of influx we see here at the coast on the holidays. As a comparison let me give you the first photo of a typical weekday.

 

 

As you can see, there are many campers down by the water’s edge. The wind was blowing pretty well, and if you look at the white pickup, there are two pop-ups just beyond it.

I just managed to snap a photo as the popups went over.

 

Hopefully, this will give you an idea of how the population increases during the holidays

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Press”

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

Stream Of Consciousness Saturday

 

Here it is Stream of Consciousness Saturday again and time for another run through the hoops courtesy of Linda Hill. This week’s prompt is “press.” Linda says we can begin a word with it, end a word with it or use it by itself. (Not “it” but “press”) If you would like a little of your mind eaten each week maybe you should join our happy band of scribblers and give this thing a try. Go to Linda’s blog and check it out. Here is the link https://lindaghill.com/2016/05/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-2816/

My interpretation.

Press by John W. Howell ©2016

“Make way, make way for the press.”

“The press? Who are you trying to kid?”

“I just got a new job with the newspaper.”

“Job? What kind of job.”

“I’m one of the pressmen.”

“Pressmen? What the heck are pressmen?’

“We press the print onto the paper.”

“You mean a printer.”

“No you oaf. In the newspaper business, we are called pressmen.”

“What if you are a woman like yourself?”

“Urm. I guess press woman.”

“Okay, so why are you going around saying, pressmen, when you should be saying press women?”

“Never gave it a thought.”

“You know firefighters have the name firefighters because many are women.”

“I know that. So you point is?”

“Maybe you should be called press workers.”

“Sounds less dignified. Our jobs are more than just work.”

“Okay. I can say with certainty press women doesn’t have much dignity either.”

“I was very happy with my new job until I ran into you. What is your position called?”

“Human resource manager.”

“Ah perfect. So give me a title that I can use.”

“How about pressessist?”

“Have you been drinking?”

Friday JohnKu – AKA- TGIF

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

happyfriday

Friday has to one of the best days of the week. I know when I get up on Friday, I feel like it is special somehow. Just knowing Saturday is just eight hours and change away puts a smile on my face. It wasn’t always that way. I remember when I was held prisoner by organized commerce, Fridays were always unique in that major and sometimes traumatic events took place on a Friday.

There were always staff meetings on Friday and they were usually good times spent with colleagues trying as best as possible to explain misses in the goal, budget, or quota. It became a game of verbal dodgeball played with all the rules of a cage death match. The song “Only the Strong Survive” continually played in your head. By five o’clock all the combatants have been vanquished and the boss can now enjoy the weekend.

Fridays are the days when those who are being made available to the industry are informed of their new mobile status. What makes the occasion so festive is the presence of security and the collection of personal effects to be placed in a cardboard box for the walk of shame. These occasions always reminded me of the tale of Lady Godiva who although naked no one in the village looked except a guy named Tom. In a similar manner, no one looks at the person moving slowly to the exit.

Fridays are the days when new managers have meetings to explain to the population the rules of conduct going forward. These meetings take on the air of capitulation almost like foreign troops occupying a town. There are the usual subjects which raise their hands and ask questions only to noticed by the new overload. There are also those whose conduct serves to let the new overlord know they are fully co-operative and totally on board with the new changes. These are the ones who could be labeled collaborators when the next regime liberates the group. The offshoot of this kind of meeting is clandestine plans of resistance formulated in a secret bar by the loyal few who plan the overthrow.

I guess Friday should be simply the end of the work week. Today’s JohnKu talks about Friday.

Friday by John W. Howell © 2106

It’s only a day,

Although it seems so special. . .

We still love it, though.

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

college 5-24

Wednesday Story Day again. Last week we left Mrs. Wolfe and Ben with the possibility that Mrs. Worthe will let Ben talk to Father Lightfoot (Raymond) with the direction to take a nap. Mrs. Worthe took Ben’s phone so he will have no choice but to play whatever song Mrs. Worthe wants to hear. Let’s go back since I see Alexis outsides Ben’s door.
“Psst Ben.”
“Yes, I’m awake. Come in Alexis.”
“How are you, Ben?”
“I’m doing better now that you’re here.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you sooner, but mom told me you didn’t want to see me.”
“What? That is a lie, Alexis.”
“I figured it was a story that she made up to keep us apart.”
“I don’t understand her at all.’
“That makes two of us. What made you take her up on the offer to come here?”
“You don’t know she threatened me?”
“No. She just told me that you were a sick puppy and that I needed to stay away since you hated me.”
“Hated you. Aw, Alexis, that is so far from the truth.’
“I’m so glad I came in, Ben.”
“Me too. In fact, she told me you didn’t want to see me since I had no money.”
“My love that would never happen.”
“I’m so happy now.”
“So what is your plan?”
“Plan? W-whaddya you mean plan?”
“You must have the plan to get away at the least and maybe a bigger plan to take old moms down.”
“Gee I haven’t given it much thought. I know I want to heal. I did ask your mom if I could talk to Father Lightfoot. I think I need to talk to someone.”
“Who is Father Lightfoot?”
“Didn’t you meet him at the hospital?”
“No. I spent most of the time in the coffee shop.”
“I would have thought your mother would have introduced you.”
“I was pretty upset with the thought you were through with me. Maybe she thought it would not be necessary.”
“Yes, especially if you wanted to talk as well.”
“Talk? About what?”
“Never mind, dear. Could you hand me that water please?”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Creative Kue #78 by Keith Channing

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

Another Tuesday photo prompt from Keith Channing. In his words, “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; and either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithkreates@channing.fr before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here – for reasons I have yet to fathom, pingbacks don’t seem to be working.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or web site, next Monday.”

The photo.

Kreative Kue #78

Boy by John W. Howell © 2016

“So where’s he off to?”

“Look at him. Do you think he knows.”

“Why does he have that goofy look?”

“Y’mean with the cig and all?”

“Yes. He looks like an idiot and he’s staring at us.”

“The fact that he’s on that bike confirms he’s an idiot.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“Look at that Fosters flag out front of the place he just left.”

“Ah. I get it. He’s had a few beers.”

“I would wager he has had more than a few.”

“Should we let him carry on?”

“Well, the Christian thing to do would be to take his keys.”

“He’s got a helmet on his head.”

“Not much good if he hits a tree.”

“Now I’m worried. We need to do something.”

“I’ll go over and suggest that he takes a rest before he starts out.”

“Excellent Idea Bradley. You always know what to do.”

“Well, thank you, my dear. I try. You know you get back what you give in this life.”

“Yes, I know Bradley. You say that all the time.”

“I do? My goodness. I didn’t realize I was becoming that annoying.”

“You’re not annoying Bradley. Your focus is on certain sayings is all. You are a concern.”

“A concern is it. Well, madam speak for yourself.”

“Whadda you saying Bradley?”

“Well, that old saw about bygones be bygones is getting stale.”

“I wish I could use that now. You can forget the boy.”

“What boy?”

“My heavens. The boy on the motorcycle. He just fell over. I think he passed out.”

“Good thing I’m guessing. Now he won’t kill himself.”

“And you won’t have to say, ‘You get back what you give in this life.”‘

“Now that’s a nice statement. Where did you hear that one?”

“I’ll tell you when we get home. Come along Bradley.”

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Property Tax Protest Meeting

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

 

Property taxes

In Texas, it is that time of the year when all property owners have the constitutional right to contest the property tax assessment delivered by the county. The inspiration for this list was listening to the stories told by my dear wife after her return from her meeting with the tax assessor.  Yes, you read it right. She is the one who does all the research and then the one to confront the tax people. (I fear for their lives)  I hope you enjoy the list. (Oh, by the way, our assessment was reduced.)

10  If you are protesting your property taxes, do not think the personnel will not remember you from last year. If you do, at best they will keep you sitting in the waiting room as long as possible. At worst, they will have held a special boost morale meeting and take up the mantle of a football team taking the field. (You thought that different hair and fake mustache was going to help didn’t you?)

9 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not make jokes about the staff having to work on Saturday. If you do, at best you’ll get polite smiles and no action. At worst, your case worker will find an overlooked loophole and assess your property even higher. (That one joke about government drones finally having to work was the nail hey, Ferd?)

8 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not try to blame your case worker for the high assessment. If you do, at best they will become very defensive and no help. At worst, they will call in the county lawyer and threaten you with a defamation of character lawsuit. (You now see why the lawyer is standing by don’t you Bunkie?)

7 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not show up in your grubbiest clothes trying to look poor. If you do, at best the case worker knows the value of your home and think you a fool. At worst, the guard will stop your entrance into the building thinking you are homeless with no need for a property tax protest meeting. (With only one chance to protest you better hope you have time to run home and change.)

6 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not try to use last year’s photos of your home’s deplorable condition at this year’s meeting. If you do, at best the case worker will excuse you memory lapse since the file contains five years of documentation. At worst, the case worker will put you at a disadvantage by using phrases like “tax fraud,”deception,” and “felony.” (Makes you want to pretend to have a stroke doesn’t it?)

5 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not be outraged when the case worker says, “You should be grateful to pay taxes on such a lovely looking house.” If you do, at best you can kiss any further consideration goodbye. At worst, you’ll hurt some feelings that won’t ever heal. (Remember you’ll need to come back next year and a case worker never forgets)

4 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not think the case worker will be more impressed and influenced by more pages of documentation rather than less. If you do, at best you will have your case worker nodding off. At worst, you case worker will take offense thinking they are incapable of making a decision absent a hundred pages of facts. (This taking of offense will not serve you well in the future.)

3 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not ask to use the caseworkers’ calculator. If you do, at best it might be interpreted that you don’t trust either the calculator or the case worker or both. At worst, the case worker is a germaphobe and will break out in hives just at the thought of you using the calculator. (Now you need a new case worker and all are busy aren’t they Rube)

2 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not raise your voice. If you do, at best your case worker will ask to be replaced by another. At worst, that scared wide-eyed look on the face of the case worker will immediately precede the arrival of the sheriff’s officers. (In addition to hight taxes you now have a court date for assault, Tiger)

1 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not let a spouse say anything to try to help. If you do, at best the spouse will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and everyone will get confused. At worst, the spouse will add an unnecessary comment that will convince the case worker that your taxes ought to be higher for the next three years. (Gee all that was said is “Who do you think pays your salary?”