Tag: fiction favorites

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have House Guests

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Annoying guests

The inspiration for this list happens every year here at the coast. We naturally get a number of visitors that one would not normally get in the city, and we learned there are a few things not to do while they are in the house.  Hope you like it (BTW this list is entirely fictional and does not reflect any particular action by any individual visitor).

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have House Guests

10 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have special dietary requirements. If you do, at best you will demonstrate how truly mannerly you are, and the answer will be, “No.” At worst, you will be given a list that includes, vegan, lactose intolerant, and gluten-free. (You realize the only thing you can serve is tea)

9 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have a preference for the kind of water to drink. If you do, at best you will get a request for a brand not available to you. At worst, the brand ordered will cost more that a fifth of vodka in a bottle half the size. ( Given the amount consumed you are also wondering if they are using it for bath water as well.)

8 If you have house guests, do not forget to tell them where to put their wet towels. If you forget, at best they will throw them on impervious surfaces. At worst, you will find them hanging from some of your newest fabric furniture. (The stain looks remarkably like Mother Teresa doesn’t it?)

7 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have laundry to do. If you do, at best the machine will be running in shifts all day. At worst, you will be seen as a member of the staff and expected to do the laundry. (Well you offered right?)

6 If you have house guests, do not answer the question, “What can we do now?” If you do, at best whatever you suggest will be rejected. At worst, after the first activity, you will be the designated events chairperson for the rest of the visit. (You forgot to issue wristbands, and now one person is lost.)

5 If you have house guests, do not put out more than one roll of toilet paper at a time. If you do, at best the paper will disappear with no explanation. At worst, your plumber will eventually get the pipes cleared after removing several toys and rolls of paper.(The parents should have warned you that their kids do this in all the hotels.)

4 If you have house guests, do not lug numerous sand toys to the beach. If you do, at best the kids will play with one for a minute. At worst, there will be too many toy choices, and you will be the cause of several kid meltdowns while they try to decide which one. (Now you know to have them pick one at the house right?)

3 If you have house guests, do not make chocolate available as a  treat choice. If you do, at best your towels will have permanent handprints. At worst, once your guests leave, you will come to the realization that you will need to convert your decor to jungle to take advantage of the Zebra like marks all over the place. (Well, you’ve been meaning to make a change right?)

2 If you have house guests, do not serve anything that melts. If you do , at best you will find little puddles of melted food everywhere. At worst, when you least expect it you will come across a sticky melted spot for years to come. (How that spot got on your pillow is still a mystery. Getting the pillow off your hair is still a painful memory moment isn’t it?)

1 If you have house guests, do not tell them they are welcome back anytime. If you do, at best the good ones will be back next year. At worst, the bad ones will be back next week. (Now you know you could have said nothing right?)

Sunday – Views of the Neighborhood

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Happy May Day. This weekend is the Texas SandFest here in Port Aransas. I had hoped to get some pictures to share, but unfortunately due to the high tides I could not get down the beach to the event.  The traffic is such that the wait to get to the site would be way too long taking the one road on the island. The Texas SandFest is a major sand sculpture competition that brings artists from all over the world. Here is a link to the Sandfest Facebook page where you can see at least some of the displays.

https://www.facebook.com/TexasSandFest/

Here is a picture of the beach where you can see evidence of the tides and a nice reflection of the sun on the water.

 

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt Zoo

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

Stream Of Consciousness Saturday

 

Another Saturday and so it is Stream of Consciousness time. Linda Hill has given us a very nice prompt, “Zoo.” She says we can use it alone or as part of another word. I’m going to try to put Zoo in each line of dialog. If I can’t fit it in the conversation will be over. If you would like to join this madness fun click on the link and go see what is going on.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS April 30/16

Zoo by John W. Howell © 2016

“So what was that Zoo something movie?”

“Zoolander?”

“Yeah that was it. It wasn’t about a zoo though.”

No, it was about the modeling industry which is a zoo of it’s own.”

“Yeah, I remember the character’s name was Darrell Zoolander and he was no paleozoologist I would say.”

“What is a Paleozoologist? Sounds zooty.”

“Zooty? What kind of word is that? Gadzooks, it sounds like you are in another world.”

“Zooty is an old term for someone who is sharp. Goes back to the 1940’s when there were guys standing around in Zoot suits. back to my question on Paleozoologist.”

“I’m really lost now on how your mind works with that zooty thing. A Paleozoologist is someone who studies ancient animals.”

“I thought that was a Paleontoligist. How did we get zoologic all of a sudden?”

“Look up at the top. Does the prompt say anything about toligist? No it says zoo. Why would I use a word that didn’t have zoo in it. I’m forced to be a Zoophile. Besides Paleozoologist and Paleonoligst are the same science.”

“Zoophile? We need a dictionary.I think you more resemble a Zoophite anyway.”

“Zoophite? Somehow I don’t think that is a compliment. So in keeping with your insult, I think you are in reality a Zoomorph.”

“I happen to know what a Zoomorph is and I resent being called animal-like.”

“Well you’ll just have to get over it. I’m the head keeper here and want you to come eat your Waterzooi.”

“I hate Waterzooi. Besides I’m supposed to have greens not stew. Where’s my zoosporangium.”

“You are a hippo for heaven’s sake. This is a zoo. I’m the zookeeper. You don’t get to call for zooporangium.”

“Some fun you are Bazooka breath.”

“Call me more names why don’t you? Just sit on your wazoo and smile for the folks.”

“Fine. I’m going to call the zoological society and file a complaint.”

“Good luck holding the phone.”

 

4 Wills Publishing – Interludes Tour – with #RRBC’s Harmony Kent

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

It is my pleasure to host a stop on Harmony Kent’s 4 Wills Interludes Tour. Harmony is a fellow member of Rave Reviews Book Club, and it is a treat to have her with me today. The post is your’s Harmony.

Harmony Kent

Thank you, John. Hi, everyone. Harmony here. Thanks for joining me on my three-day tour with 4Wills Publishing and my fantastic host for today! You can find details of my other stops here: 4Wills Upcoming Events.

The first thing I have to tell you is that I’ve crossed over to the dark side, LOL, and ventured into writing Erotic Romance.

To date, I have six books published, which you can find HERE.

books banner copy

My seventh and latest book is INTERLUDES: a collection of A collection of short erotic fiction that will tickle more than your taste buds and wet more than your appetite.

Kindle Cover Interludes small copy

With a range of genres and styles, this book has enough steam for everyone.

GREY MANCHESTER—contemporary romance in 1000 words. Will Nadine choose to drop her knife or her knickers?

DOUBLE TROUBLE—ménage a trois in 2000 words. After a dry spell, Sophia gets more than she bargained for with a solicitor and a teacher.

DRAGON KISSED—shifter romance in 3000 words. Jenna’s life is fairly run of the mill until she has a flying accident. With a dragon. All is not as it seems in this fiery romance.

TRYST—contemporary romance in 4000 words. Polly pushes the boundaries on a workplace night out.

LOVE ON THE CORNISH LINE—contemporary romance in 5000 words. Becky falls flat on her face, and madly in love. Her weekly commute home proves to be anything but routine.

THE INLAW—contemporary romance in 6000 words. At 43, amputee Carla never expected in her wildest dreams to be called a MILF by a hot young stud. Trouble is, he’s her son in law’s brother. And young enough to be her son. Sparks fly when she’s caught with her hands in the biscuit tin.

NIGHT NURSE—contemporary romance in 7000 words. Denise has only weeks left to live. What constitutes life, though? What fills the yawning hours of empty days? Who are you once the chemo and the cancer have stripped you bare? What to do?—Go out on a slow fizzle, or with a big bang?

OVERBOARD—contemporary romance in 8000 words. When Stella falls overboard in the middle of the Pacific, she gets more than she bargained for. Sharks and storms not withstanding.

ALIEN LIAISON—alien romance in 9000 words. When the military transport, Lunas Two, crash lands on Zorth, Jay is given the job of liaising with the locals. She’s seen plenty of aliens in her four years of service, but never one as finger licking good as Lemo. How far will she have to go to keep the peace?

SAVING FACE—historical romance in 10,000 words. Non-related step brother and sister, David and Annalise, break all the rules in this steamy historical romance. Forced to live apart from the love of her life and into an arranged and loveless marriage, Annalise has to grow up fast. When all is lost, will she be able to save face?

READER ADVISORY: This book contains explicit sex scenes and language hot enough to melt your Kindle. For mature readers only.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

From Grey Manchester:

‘What do you want?’ Nadine asked. The metal handle of the knife felt hot in her hand. Why hadn’t she put it down yet? What did she intend? Which kind of payment would she give him?

They returned to their silent stare-off, and Nadine felt even more ambivalent toward this man who had been her friend since primary school. As a precocious five-year-old, his deafness had intrigued her and drawn her to him. She’d learned sign language for him, and how to lip-speak. Today, she deliberately withheld signing. Make him work for her words.

She hated that they couldn’t yell and scream at one another when they needed to blow off steam. Well, she could yell at him, but his deaf-muteness always rendered her thunder pointless and ineffectual.

Frustration … such an apt word. It described a multitude of feelings and unfulfilled want.

Noisy thoughts tore the taut silence asunder. Could she, in all fairness, continue to blame him for the attack? One punch—that’s all. Self-defence. He hadn’t heard her approach. She ought to have known better. His recent assault had left him jittery and vulnerable.

Nadine stared at his delicate hands, now clenched while his arms hung at his sides. She loved those hands. Those flexible fingers. The things they could do to her. A memory grew wings and fluttered in front of her. Their first time. His touch. The first time he’d touched her in that way. Two not-quite-sixteen-year-olds discovering each other.

INTERLUDES is available for pre-order now for just 0.99!

Buy it now and have it automatically delivered to your ereader on Monday!

AMAZON US

AMAZON UK

If you’d like to keep up to date with my new releases and news, please sign up to my mailing list HERE, or alternatively, you can visit my website at www.harmonykent.co.uk.

You can also find me on Twitter and Facebook.

For more sneak peeks, please join me on tomorrow’s tour stop, where you’ll find another tantalising excerpt from Interludes.

Thanks so much for stopping by and saying hi 🙂

“The tour sponsored by 4WillsPublishing.wordpress.com.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

sayfridaycancelled

Another Friday to celebrate. Woo Woo. My celebration is for a week well spent doing catch-up on my “work around the house” chore list. I have often commented that living by the Gulf is like being on a boat. There are a number of things that have to be constantly maintained. Little stuff like door locks, door bells, lamps, fixtures, vinyl fence, and even siding.

Since I have finished book three of the John J. Cannon trilogy and am just waiting to send to the editor, I have a little free time each day. Having time will be a temporary situation since my next book is calling for an edit. Yes, the first draft is done, but I’m sure it is a big mess and will need more work.

So, I got out the power sprayer and went to work spraying everything that would tolerate water. That included the whole exterior of the house and all the vinyl railings and fence. I must say the house looks better not covered in salt and sand.

I also put lubricant in all the locks and managed to change out some vent covers which had deteriorated as a result of the sun.  In addition, I reconditioned the doorbell (which is an annual affair)

All in all a productive time. I expect my wife will be shocked upon her return from Austin where she has been helping youngest daughter move. Today’s JohnKu talks about doing some things you don’t want to do.

The List by John W. Howell © 2016

Your daily conscience,

On the refrigerator…

For what seems like months.

 

Thursday – A little Personal – Pelicans

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

By now you must realize I have a fascination with the birds here on the Gulf. They never seem to tire of providing a fun watch as they go about their day. This first picture is of an approaching flock of pelicans.

IMG_1678

I would like to point out a couple of things. Notice the haze in the sky along with the clouds. ((Trust me it is there) This photo was taken on Tuesday this week and believe it or not the haze is from the burning of crop lands in Mexico and South America. The farmers do it each year as a method of pest control. The smoke flows over South Texas when the wind is from the South as it has been for a few days. The other thing I would like to point out is the haphazard way the Pelicans are in formation. Usually, they form the classic V formation much like geese. The winds are blowing at about 20 knots, so it is difficult for them to hold the position.

Here is an another look. I waited for them to get closer for this shot.

Pelicans on the Gulf

They still look all over the place. I’m sure their commanding officer will have a chat with them back at the perch.

I managed to catch a shot of the Pelicans in the water (Those black things at the water’s edge). The gulls were having a time with the wind as well.

Gulls and Pelicans

So you will not think the haze is forever, here is a shot taken Wednesday morning after the winds shifted to coming out of the North. (Thank you, Yankees) What a difference a day makes.

IMG_1703

This shot is a long beach view taken from about a half mile North of our walkway. (The dogs get a mile walk in the morning, and since the wind was coming out of the North, I started out heading into the wind. I just turned around to head back and took the photo) The haze will return today but it was a nice break.

 

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Wednesday Story Day

 

Wednesday Story Day again and we last left Ben and Father Lightfoot discussing Ben’s situation. Ben was trying to explain the situation when Father Lightfoot interrupted him and implied that Ben was not right in the head. Let’s go back and see if there will be anything positive coming out of this discussion.

“You said I was talking crazy Father.”
“I didn’t mean that you were talking crazy my son. What I meant is your statement was the talk of a crazy person.”
“What? The idea of blowing up the Student Union.”
“Exactly Ben. You think it is okay to do something like that?”
“I believe that it is a little eccentric but certainly not the act of a crazy person.”
“Okay, maybe I was a bit too harsh. Why don’t you tell me why you wanted to blow up the Student Union.”
“Well, Alexis and I thought it would be a statement.”
“Statement? What kind of statement?”
“Well, father to be honest Alexis and I were never really happy at the university, and we thought by blowing up the Student Union we would exorcise whatever feelings we had for the place. That was before Mrs. Worthe came on the scene.”
“Okay, so Mrs. Worthe got involved. How did that change things?”
“Well, the mission went from one of a single purpose of cleansing to one of greed.”
“Greed? You want to explain what you mean?”
“Sure. Mrs. Worthe convinced us to plant the explosives and then demand from the university a ransom to keep us from blowing up the building.”
“My word. How much?”
“Ten million dollars.”
“Whew that is a lot of money. What were you going to do with all that money?”
“We were going to launder it and then send it to offshore accounts. Alexis thought it would be a way to have all the things she wanted.”
“What about you Ben. Did you want the money?”
“Well, I never gave it much thought. I guess it would have been nice to give Alexis what she wanted.”
“Come on Ben. We are talking about you. What did you want?”
“I wanted to forget the whole thing. That’s what I wanted.”
“So you shot yourself.”
“I didn’t mean to shoot myself.”
“But it sure put a stop to the plan. Didn’t it?”
“I suppose. Will you help me, Father?”
“I must confess my son. Yours is a sad case. You have allowed Mrs. Worthe and Alexis get you into a position of breaking some pretty big laws.”
“I know right? How can I get out of this mess?”
“Take a look at this Ben.”
“This is an ID of a FBI agent. OMG, you are with the FBI?”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Creative Kue #74 by Keith Channing

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

I have been participating in Keith Channing’s Kreative Kue prompts. In his words, “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; and either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithkreates@channing.fr before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here – for reasons I have yet to fathom, pingbacks don’t seem to be working.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or web site, next Monday.”

This week’s photo.

Kreative Kue #74

The Enemy by John W. Howell ©2016

“Do you see ’em?”

“No, you twit. Put that camera down and get over here.”

“I just can’t help recording this moment.”

“Moment? Which one? Our last you mean?”

“Oh, please. Those guys were just fooling around.”

“Fooling around? Did you see that dust and brush kicked up when they passed overhead?”

“What are you saying?”

“Those were fifty caliber machine gun bullets tearing up the ground that’s what I’m saying.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“I wish I were. I think they are trying to kill us for some reason.”

“Who are they?”

“Might be rebels I don’t know. I do know that they will probably come back.”

“Do you think they know they missed us?”

“I’m sure of it.”

“Shouldn’t we get off the road?”

“I think that will be a good idea. I need you to come back and get this car going.”

“I think you are right. Do you have the keys?”

“I thought you had them.”

“Maybe I left them in the ignition.”

“Come look.”

“Shouldn’t we try to find them before they see us again?”

“Well, yeah stupid. I’m looking.”

“Might be easier to see them if you removed those lens covers.”

“Just find the keys okay.”

“Okay.”

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do With Book Promotion – Guest Post with Charles Yallowitz

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Normally I post my Top Ten Things during this time. Today I am so pleased to have a guest “Top Tenster.”  Charles has put together a laugh out loud list for you today. Charles is a gifted author, and his Amazon Author page will give more detail on his books. If you are unfamiliar with Charles Yallowitz and his fantasy series Legends of Windemere (I think maybe you have been in solitary confinement for the last three years), then I hope you will have the incentive to check out his first book. After all, the price is right and here is the cover.

Cover Art by Jason Pedersen

So Charles, welcome, and the post is yours.

Thank you to John for letting me attempt a Top 10 list.  Recently, I made the first book of my series, Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero, permanently free.  A tough choice to make after it being 99 cents for three years.  Though there are worse ideas and here are ten book promotion methods that I wouldn’t recommend:

  1. Do not offer free flu shots with every purchase of your book. You are not a trained physician, and I don’t think your friend Scruffy is a pharmacologist. He may own a white lab coat and know how to spell ‘influenza’, but I’m pretty sure his degree is in Sandwich Artistry.  Also, you’d lose money on traveling to all of your readers.
  2. Do not promote your book by skywriting an excerpt. Yes, it’s a unique idea that’s never been done.  Though the reason is because you would run out of smoke before you get through the first paragraph.  Not to mention the beginning will fade long before you get to the end.  Does that say ‘dork and scurry right’?
  3. Do not brand your readers with a booby-trapped book. It doesn’t matter if it puts the Amazon URL on their forehead.  Seriously, you need to be kept away from all of mankind until you get professional help.
  4. Do not tie a promotional kite to yourself and streak through a major sporting event. The cameras will all be on you getting tackled in your pixelated glory.  Your precious kite will end up in a tree or trampled by the entire NY Giants defensive line and part of the Philadelphia Eagles offensive line.
  5. Do not try to get a celebrity endorsement by harassing them on social media and begging for permission to put them in your book. More than likely, you’ll make a public spectacle of yourself and get no reaction.  Though there’s always the chance that they’ll respond with a restraining order.
  6. Do not make and maintain a Twitter account for every single character in your book. It might sound like a good idea for the main character, but nobody cares what Marcel the Blacksmith is doing after being mentioned in one sentence.  Not to mention you’ll never leave Twitter to write your book and give Marcel a second sentence.
  7. Do not hold a raffle for your firstborn child and enter every reader into it. For one thing, it’s rude, and not everybody wants a child.  More importantly, your spouse and their new friend in a white coat might have issues with this.  Let’s not forget that it’s illegal too.
  8. Do not print out multiple cover slips for your book, go to the local bookstore, and put them on all of the bestsellers. For one thing, you never put a barcode on your creations and the cashier can simply write it up with a discount for damages.  There’s also that security guard approaching to ask why your clothes are stuffed with cover clips.  Enjoy the collection of paper cuts in uncomfortable places.
  9. Do not promise to include a copy of your sex tape with every purchase. There are many reasons why this is a bad idea.  The biggest one is that it will result in your spouse saying, “What sex tape?”.
  10. Do not run for President of the United States to get attention as an author. Seriously, you could win and be put in charge of the red button.  We both know how that will end, and cockroaches only read graphic novels.

 

Links

Legends of Windemere

Twitter

Facebook

Grab Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero for Free!

 

Sunday – Views of the Neighborhood

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

 

On Friday of this week, a group of individuals organized and staged a one hundred person Flash mob formation of the peace symbol. The idea was to foster peace and understanding. The event included dancing and a skydive by a parachutist dressed as a mermaid.

The event was near the municipal pier on the beach. As you can see from the photo, the weather was perfect for such an event. The organizers felt responsible for bringing a message to all politicians that the government should be of the people, by the people, and for the people. The founders of the constitution tended to agree with this sentiment.

If you wonder about the kind of individuals who live in Port Aransas, this event was almost iconic in representing the majority view that government has lost its way. Most full-time residents have a high degree of skepticism when they hear the words, “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.”

Here is another view