Tag: Football

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at a Football Game.

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Tailgating

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The college schedule is in full swing and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe that they are in Morgantown West Virginia and set fire to it. (You thought it was going to be a statement of elegance didn’t you, Baltizar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has been mourning the passing of Liberace will believe you mean for him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours is going to be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Playoffs

 

The inspiration for this list is a jam-packed day of American football (Notice, Dale I called out the distinction.) yesterday. Green Bay Packers/Atlanta Falcons and Pittsburgh Steelers/New England Patriots made for a mighty fine day. Of course, I am writing this before the games start since I want to see every minute. I hope you enjoy the list in retrospect.

10 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not talk smack about your team’s opponent. If you do, at best yu team will move on to the Super Bowl. At worst, you may be served a big dish of cold crow by all who heard your talk.(You were sure your team would win huh Bunky. Now you have a year of crow eating.)

9 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not plan anything important on that Sunday. If you do, at best you’ll disappoint others. At worst, you will miss the game. (Just so happened your team lost by one point as the opponents went for the extra two points with two seconds to play. Way to let them down, Tex.)

8 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not think you can run to the store for basic food and beverage items. If you do, at best you’ll get there and back before the first game. At worst you’ll join one-hundred of your fellow fans at halftime in a frenzy, fighting over the last bag of Cheetos. (Don’t be afraid. Tiny the WWF champ is asking you nicely to let go of that six-pack. He only gets mad if you ignore his growl.)

7 During the NFL Conference Championships, don’t try to grill dinner without a TV close at hand. If you do, at best you’ll miss key plays watching that steak. At worst, you planned to time the steak for the halftime but find you now have something that resembles blackened cedar plank. (You totally forgot about the meat right, Buford?)

6 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not accept an invitation to a house where you have no idea of the media capabilities of the host. If you do, at best you will try to watch the game on inferior equipment. At worst, you host was not aware of the playoffs and besides, he and his family have taken a no TV pledge.(The only set is in the garage and is a black and white rabbit-eared portable.)

5 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try to entertain your in-laws during the game. At best, you will have a difficult time handling both assignments. At worst, your in-laws will no longer be interested in the game and will ask if they can watch the movie Heidi instead. (Well, Ferd. You did try, and now you need to turn to Heidi on this TV and go to your room.)

4 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not answer your phone. At best it will be your talkative sister who doesn’t have a clue about football. At worst, it will be your boss who has no life and has decided to call a strategy meeting that should go on until midnight.(You could have said you were sorry on Monday, Pud.)

3 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not allow anyone in your house that you don’t know. If you do, at best you will be interrupted to play host to them. At worst, just your luck the couple from your spouse’s work want to share with you the idea that they think football is a metaphor for the male dominated society and they think it should be banned, (If you knew these people you could tell them to have a big cup of shut the f*#k up huh, Pilgrim?)

2 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try anything funny or different with your TV. If you do, at best you will only trip the circuit breaker. At worst, you will mess up enough to take out the city grid. (The news says the power will be back on around midnight, Buster. You can watch the game on your iPad provided the battery holds. If not there is always the Today show recap.Way after Al Roker and the weather.)

1 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not overserve yourself even if things are not going well for your team. If you do, at best the end of the evening may come too early. At worst, getting carried away with the game ended with a toss of your remote aimed for the referee which passed through the big screen on its one thousand mile trip. (Up till then it was an exciting game huh, Dip?)