Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at a Football Game.

Tailgating

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The college schedule is in full swing and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe that they are in Morgantown West Virginia and set fire to it. (You thought it was going to be a statement of elegance didn’t you, Baltizar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has been mourning the passing of Liberace will believe you mean for him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours is going to be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)

56 comments

  1. Where I come from, tailgating means driving too close to the car in front. Imagine my confusion…

    1. Yes. I think there should be only one thing not to do on your version. That is Don’t.

      1. 75 € on-the-spot fine if you’re caught tailgating in France!

      2. Boy. Takes the fun out of driving.

  2. That’s one of the best memes I’ve ever seen on this. Really sets the stage for a great, and so true, list.

    1. Thanks, Charles. 😀

  3. Gwen Plano · · Reply

    Oh my, how could I have forgotten the season! My sympathies go to the college administrators tasked with managing the mayhem. Great list, John. 🙂

    1. Thanks, Gwen. I can just see the white hair now.

      1. Gwen Plano · ·

        LOL, I never thought to blame it on them, but what the heck! 😀

    1. Thank you, Michael.

  4. Being from West Virginia, I’ve attended many WVU games, so I can vouch for #10. Sunnyside is a wild place after a WVU win. Great list, John!

    1. Thanks, Jill. My wife is a grad of WVU.

      1. Really? That’s cool, John. Is that where she’s from? We might be kinfolk. 🙂

      2. No she lived in the Pittsburgh area.

    2. I knew I liked you, Jill – I’m also from WV and can attest to #10. I spent 4 1/2 glorious years at WVU – and yes, Sunnyside was a wild place, win or no win.

      1. My wife is a WVU grad.

      2. Cool! My sister and cousin both went to WVA. I had some fun times visiting. 🙂

  5. Ouch, John. #10 has a “been there, burned that furniture” ring to it. My excuse is WVU having won a game they were supposed to lose. As Jill said, Sunnyside can get crazy.

    I’ve also been to Patriots country wearing Black and Gold. But hey, it’s “a team’s colors.”

    Greta list. Glad to have both seasons rolling along.

    1. Me too. Except we have no TV service or internet yet.

      1. Hopefully, soon.

  6. #2. If you are tailgating at a Packer or WI Badger game…brats, burgers, potato salad, potato chips, maybe fruit salad for the healthy people and beer. No petit fours or other wussy food.

    Thanks for the list, John. It’s a good reminder for proper tailgate etiquette.

    1. Thanks for the visit and comment, Mary. Loved the menu.

  7. I laughed all the way to the stadium (er, bathroom). So funny!

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Jennie. 😀

      1. You’re welcome, John. 😀

  8. #11. Do not forget the Molsons! Great list, John!

  9. Yup, eating petit fors and rare burgers with Tiny, on a burnt couch, sounds like something that would stay with you.

    1. Might even cause a post trauma of some kind.

  10. I had an aunt who like Tiny was a big Liberace fan. She had something like a small shrine in their living room and especially liked him as he was good to his mother. It was a blessing she passed away before he did. 🙂 — Suzanne

    1. I think so too. I saw one of his shows in Las Vegas and it was fabulous.

  11. D.L Finn, Author · · Reply

    Happy football season:) #2 made me laugh out loud.. Yes, you would never see petit-fours at a Raiders tailgate…..

    1. Ha ha ha. Could you imagine it though?

      1. D.L Finn, Author · ·

        I certainly can…and now you just never know if it may show up someday:)

  12. Fine examples of why I enjoy the game from the comfort of my living room. 😉

    1. Me too. Of course right now I have no internet or TV

  13. The best time to tailgate is on Wednesday mornings, no annoying sports fans, fewer drunks. 🙂

    1. I agree. Could potentially interfere with the Hump Day festivities. I suppose they could be combined.

  14. Great list, John, but I can see right off the bat it doesn’t apply to tailgating in the Deep South. At my alma mater, tailgating has been elevated to a social event. We bring out the best of food, served in attractive displays; we dress up; we welcome everyone, even the opposing team (Southern hospitality, you know). Of course, I missed most of this since I was in the Band all four years.

    1. We had the same kind. We did bring in an 18 wheeler and trailer with a sitting room, bar, and electric fire in a fireplace.

      1. Sounds nice and homey!

      2. Yes. We had a candelabra too.

      3. Really? I thought only Ole Miss fans decorated with candelabra and silver serving trays! Nice to know others see tailgating as an “event”!!

      4. We would try to make a surreal environment. Something people would not expect. I remember one time we had a chandelier as well.

  15. The picture is hilarious! And your top 10 is just awesome. Thanks for the giggles, John! 🙂

    1. Thank you for letting me know you got some giggles.

  16. Tailgating is a serious sport unto itself! I really like the way your names are broadening. Bixby, Beauregard… 🙂

    1. Yup. Moving on up in the naming world.

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