Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Bar

May 24, 2021May 23, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Photo of a bar — Unsplash image by Freebirds

This post was originally run on May 25th, 2015. It was a cautionary prescription before the Memorial Day holiday

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best, they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as a student. (That thumb hold is pretty painful)

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best, you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst, your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department response cost will put your credit card into default.(you lit up the night though)

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that you will not recall at your trial.(But you are sure you had fun)

7. If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage no matter what. If you do, At best, you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts. (The “We will not let him go” part got you)

6 If you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best, your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Tiny, the guy whose facts you were challenging, will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best, the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band. ( I think if you had just asked once they might have played your song)

4 If you are visiting a bar, do not try to duck buying a round. If you do, at best, you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink which to your s everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends. (Would have been cheaper the other way)

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best, you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are a dope. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car. (Walking is good for your health)

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food no matter how bad. If you do, at best, those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgment to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, your plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog. (Don’t even taste it)

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best, you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week, including sleeping alone in the yard. (Think about it next time)

Views of the Neighborhood – Going Back to the Gym

May 23, 2021May 22, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

Since restrictions are lifted and I am fully vaccinated, it is time to go back to the gym. I know this isn’t the most exciting neighborhood tour, but it is a monumental event. We have brunch catered from the Hillside Farmacy in Austin. We have Sugarland as our entertainment today.

Hillside Farmacy

Brunch
Texas Cheese Plate
Selection of local cheese, wildflower honey
+ seasonal fruit.
Peel & Eat Shrimp ~
Freshly made biscuits Homefries Cheese grits Seasonal fruit bowl Side of bacon.
GOOD EGGS
Our eggs come from family-owned & operated sustainable pasture-raised organic egg farms around Austin. Their hens are humanely raised outdoors.
BRULÉE GRAPEFRUIT
Texas grapefruit half, sugar in the raw, local wildflower honey
HOUSE MADE GRANOLA & YOGURT
Yogurt, fresh seasonal fruit, local wildflower honey
BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
Mexican vanilla, seasonal fruit, powdered sugar BACON, SCRAMBLED EGG
MAC & CHEESE (vegetarian)
Taleggio, aged white cheddar, bread crumbs
PANCETTA , POACHED FARM EGG, BROCCOLI

Gulf Shrimp
Six gulf shrimp, house-made cocktail sauce, pickled onion
EGG & SAUSAGE BREAKFAST SAMMY
Pork sausage, farm egg, sweet and spicy pepper salsa, spring mix, tomato, mixed pickles, local cheddar cheese.
FARM EGGS BOWL (vegetarian)
Seasonal veggies
SHRIMP & STONEGROUND GRITS
Roasted Cherry Tomatoes, cheese grits, kale, microgreens
BIG BREKKIE (vegetarian options)
2 eggs any style
• Bacon or avocado
• Homefries or creamy grits • Wheat toast or a biscuit

White wine: Chardonnay Annabella Napa, CA Red wine:

Syrah Love & Grapes Nobis France

Hop on the bus.

Here we are at the gym.

A new pool is going in.

There’s the workout room.

My machine.

Overcast view

Do we want to do some leg or arm work? Let’s pass.

How about free weights? Not now, maybe later.

High-intensity workout? We have brunch to eat.

So let’s get to brunch and the music. I hope you all have a great week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – ROC

May 22, 2021May 21, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

I was having a wannabe productive day yesterday. I was thinking of maybe raking the leaves and mowing the lawn. I got out the lawnmower and gave it a tug. It started in one pull, so I knew something was wrong. As I walked behind (yes, it is self-propelled. I’m 80 years old, so I live with it.)

Just when I thought the job would be perfect, there was a box blocking the next pass. I had to stop the mower, and knowing it would never start again until tomorrow, I decided to open the box. Here is what was inside, along with a trouble-shooting guide for my lawnmower. “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “roc.” Find a word with “roc” in it or use it as a word all by itself. Enjoy!”

If you would like to stop work and enjoy a prompt, visit Linda Hill’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.

https://lindaghill.com/2021/05/21/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-22-2021/

“Why’d you stop mowing the lawn?”

“He says wanting to rub salt in the wound.”

“You hurt yourself?”

“No. I got a prompt from Linda and it was in a box that caused me to shut off the mower.”

“Oh-oh. That means no more work today.”

“Right you are.”

“When you going to get a new mower?”

“Come on that one is only forteen years old.”

“I could make an argument that it is only seven give it only runs half the time.”

“Yeah, make fun why don’t you.”

“So what’s the prompt.”

“ROC.”

“You have a stroke?”

“Why.”

“Name’s Larry”

“Don’t start with the Abbott and Costello routine.”

“Roc soud like an eacy one.”

“Oh yeah for you maybe.”

“Rock and a hard place.”

“That’s me totally.”

“Rock and roll.”

“Not in the mood to dance.”

“Rocket to the moon.”

“I get nose bleeds up high.”

“Off your rocker.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Proctology.”

“Pain in the butt.”

“Proclomation.”

“Have no issues.”

“Procreate.”

“Don’t want kds.”

“Okay last one. Procurement.”

“Now that one I can use.”

“Really?”

“Yes it will be a story of two guys who set out to procure giant glasses of beer.”

“Sounds remotely familiar.”

“A procedure we’ve done many times.”

“Shall we go to the Shamrock pub and live out the story?”

“Yeah my crockpot is set for six hours so I’m good to go.”

“That was a cheap one.”

“Dang me. Pretty atrocious. all right.”

“Stop.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

May 21, 2021May 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

Ah, Friday at last Little One.”
“Feels good, Lucy.”
“Yes it does.”

Friday again so soon? WTH. Okay, enough of the “Is life moving too fast? rant.” Of course, it is. We haven’t seen anything yet. Wait until everything opens up, and we all jump on the gerbil wheel.

The political wags are making a big deal out of certain states cutting short the unemployment pandemic bonus payments of 300 dollars a week. The real facts are 1. The number of unemployment claims is at the lowest level since the pandemic started. 2. Businesses are trying to attract workers, but with the prospect of earning that $300 by not working, there are staffing shortages everywhere. There is another lesson here. Some business sectors need to raise their wages to get the workers they need. I’m just saying.

We finally got three inches of rain here at the house. We needed it badly, and more is on the way. The folks in Louisana did not need the rain they got, so now there are emergency situations. It would be nice if there was an even allocation of the weather.

Had a great time on Fresh Ink Group’s Voice of Indie Podcast last night. Thanks to Beem Weeks and Stephen Geez for having me on. Here’s the link https://t.co/W0RkRhUm6Z?amp=1

If you haven’t seen the post on my review of Andrew Joyce’s Yellowhair, I hope you do. I have a lot of respect for his work.

Today’s JohnKu talks about the situation in the Middle East with the prospects of a cease-fire set for today. Let’s hope it is in place for a long time.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

I am killing you,

You are killing me as well . . .

Let’s stop this madness.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Something New in the Yard

May 20, 2021May 19, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 102 Comments

“What the heck is that? Hey Lucy. You see this thing in the tree?”

“Lucy? You on the chaise?”

“Okay, this is not funny. LUCY.”

“There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“I was on the other side, Little One.”

“Come over here. I have to show you something.”

“Man, you move quicker than a squirrel late for lunch.”

“Check it out.”

“Everything looks normal to me.”

“Not over there, Lucy. Over here.”

“Huh. I thought you were seeing the roses for the first time.”

“Look in the tree.”

“What the heck is that?”

“My words exactly. What is it?”

“I have to say I don’t know, Little One. Too high for a dinner dish. Let’s go ask the boss.”

“It’s a bird feeder. Lucy and Twiggy. It is for the birds.”

“I’m still wondering why the birds can’t get their own food. Why do we have to feed them?”

“Tell em, Lucy.”

“Your mom and I like to watch the birds, and like the hummer feeder visits, it is nice to see them. You two should learn to share.”

“As long as the bird feed budget doesn’t take away from the watchdog budget, we are happy to share.”

“Watchdog budget? Hahahaha. I like that.”

Honored to be a Guest on a Fresh Ink Group Podcast.

May 19, 2021May 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Tonight at 8:00 PM Eastern Time I am being interviewed by Stephen Geez and Beem Weeks on their popular Voice of Indie podcast.

Here are the details and I hope you can attend.

To listen, use this link. https://www.blogtalkradio.com/voiceofindie1/2021/05/20/voice-of-indie-episode-042

To call in with questions or comments (516) 453-9902.

If you would like to send a question or comment via Twitter, just use the hashtag #freshinkgroup.

I hope to see you there.

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

May 19, 2021May 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

“You going to wait up for Friday?”
“Think I’ll sleep till then.”
“Good plan.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week we found out that the car making the pick-up at the Chick-Fil-A was a Cadillac Escalade, and the license number was clearly visible. So, with that information, the team headed to Mike Moore’s office at the FBI headquarters in Reno. I see they are in Mike’s office now, which means we can catch up with them.

“I have the database on my laptop so we can search for the plate here.”

“Good. Seems like we have to do a lot of running around to get things done.”

“I would talk to the guy with the pen about that.”

“How long is the search going to take?”

“Here it is.”

“Amazing.”

“Looks like the plate belongs to a Prius. It is registered to a couple in Tahoe. Hold on. Let me check the stolen vehicle database as well. No record of the Prius being stolen. I think we will need to call the couple to double-check.”

“There is no record of the Cadillac?”

“Yeah, that will take longer. This system is set up by plate number. Here let me do a search on the name field.”

“Is this just Nevada?”

“Yup, for now. I can expand to the US. I wish we had that plate number.”

“How about the dealer? Couldn’t they be of some help?”

“Depends on how good their records are. What year would you say that Escalade is anyway?”

“Boy, that would be a guess, but I would say maybe a 2019 or 20.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I know they named a style change for the 2021 year. That doesn’t look like the change.”

“Hey, Larry.”

“What, Andrew?”

“You looking to buy an Escalade.”

“No. Why?”

“Just wondered why you knew about model changes, is all.”

“It’s a long story. Maybe some other time.”

“I don’t have a hit on the Escalade at all. The system is still going through the national database. This could take all day. We need to go see that dealer.”

“I think we ‘d better get going then.”

“I’ll take my laptop so I can stay on the search. Wait, here’s something. An Escalade reported stolen in LA two weeks ago. The color is wrong. This one is black.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #312 by Keith Channing

May 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.combefore 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

“Okay, everyone, the pilot says we are near the jump zone. Any questions before we go out the doorway? Yes, Higgens.”

“Well, sir, I thought we would see the ground before jumping.”

“Normally that’s true, Higgens. This cloud deck is over most of the land, so we’ll just jump through it.”

“And we are sure the land is down there?”

“Yes, we are sure.”

“How do we know?”

“Look, Higgens, I don’t have all day. This plane has all-weather radar. The pilot can see through the clouds.”

“So there is no city with tall buildings below?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“I would hate to be caught on one of those gargoyles on a building.”

“There are no tall buildings.”

“Swamps?”

“No.”

“Thank you, sir. Just had to be certain. Oh, one more thing. How do we know we aren’t flying upside down and the ground is above us?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“I am sure. Any other questions? Yes, Higgens.”

“How far up are we?”

“Ten thousand feet.”

“Plenty of room.”

“So unless there are any more questions, everyone stand. Hook up and keep your eye out for the green light.”

“Sir?”

“Yes, Higgens.”

“I have to use the restroom.”

“By all means. Please step to the front of the line. I know you are in a hurry so if you don’t mind, you’ll be first. Hook up.”

“But.”

“Ah green light. Bye, Higgens.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When it’s Your Birthday

May 17, 2021May 17, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 110 Comments

This post ran on May 11, 2015. I hope you like it if you haven’t seen it.

The inspiration for this is the fact that all of us have a day of birth, even those of you from another planet. So I thought we could all use a little advice on that particular day.

Top Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

10 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone what you want for a present. If you do, at best, you won’t get what you requested. At worst, you will get all kinds of things that are sort of like what you wanted but not quite. (Yeah, that used Prius doesn’t even look like a Bentley)

9 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone you are feeling older. If you do, at best, a well-meaning someone will plop a post on Facebook asking everyone to cheer you up. At worst, you will get all those people who are older than you telling you things like “you only live once, enjoy,” and “When I was your age…”(Thanks, Pops, that really cheered me up)

8 When it’s your birthday, do not request a special dinner even if asked. If you do, at best, the dinner will not resemble what you thought you wanted. At worst, the dinner will be so complex and require so much prep that you will be forever in the debt of the preparer. (and reminded of same periodically)

7 When it is your birthday, do not let anyone at work know, even if you are in a birthday club. If you do, at best, all the cake and potluck will be made of everything forbidden on your restricted diet. At worst, since you have no idea which one of the dishes was prepared in the home of an Ebola sufferer, you will be playing potluck roulette with anything you try. (Just drink your ipecac and quit complaining.)

6 When it’s your birthday, do not accept an invitation to celebrate after work. If you do, at best, you will only be slightly late to your surprise birthday party at home. At worst, you might forget all about a prior commitment and join in the rest of the work crew for way too many birthday shots that could ultimately end with a late-night karaoke sing-off which you will win just before passing out in the restroom. (You’ve looked better in the morning)

5 When it’s your birthday, do not join everyone and sing Happy Birthday to yourself. If you do, at best, the assumption is you had too much punch. At worst, the party goers will come away with the feeling you could have had your own narcissistic party that would have been cheaper for them. (They may be right.)

4 When it’s your birthday, try to look pleased with your in-law’s gift. If you don’t, at best, you might hurt their feelings. At worst, you will be the center of a raging controversy about what it takes to please you with no good result. ( Can you say the center of attention?)

3 When it’s your birthday, do not tell the restaurant this information. If you do, at best, someone will quietly bring a piece of cake and congratulations. At worst, the entire restaurant crew will gather at your table clapping and singing some rendition of Happy Birthday while delivering a cake with a sparkler that gets the attention of the whole room.(Oh joy, your boss is over there.)

2 When it’s your birthday, do not stop at a store just to see what’s new. If you do, at best, you will only look around and realize you don’t need anything. At worst, you will feel as if your birthday somehow suspends any restraint that you have for overspending. The presents you buy yourself will be way too expensive. (and unnecessary.)

1 When it’s your birthday, do not take the occasion to over analyze the significance of the event. If you do, at best, you may miss the fun of the day. At worst, you may be unkind to yourself and in the process discount much of your success. (This took a nasty psychological turn, didn’t it?)

Views of the Neighborhood – Potpourri

May 16, 2021May 15, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

Today we are going to wander and just take in whatever we can find. There is nothing special going on in Lakeway, so we can just be leisurely and enjoy the day. We are being catered by Sawyer & Co, Austin. It is a New Orleans-style restaurant, so be prepared for some spice. Our entertainment is Sara. Bareilles.

Sawyer Benedict
poached eggs, grilled ham & creole hollandaise on toasted biscuit

Huey P Benedict
poached eggs & cajun style pulled pork with creole hollandaise on toasted biscuit

Breaux Bridge Benedict
poached eggs* over signature boudin with creole hollandaise & choice of toast or biscuit served with brabant potatoes

Trailer Park Benedict
frito pie with house chili, poached eggs* cheddar & grilled onions

Big Easy Omelet
french fries, ham, chili, cheddar, onions with choice of toast or biscuit

Eggs Sardou
fried green tomatoes, poached eggs* with creole hollandaise over creamed spinach & artichoke hearts with toast or biscuit

Creole Shrimp and Grits
pan-seared shrimp in garlic butter, bacon, mushroom & creole sauce over cheesy grits

Jambalaya
with two eggs* any style, choice of bread

Crawfish Etouffee
Boudreaux approved and served over rice

Catfish Orleans
fried or blackened catfish topped with crawfish étouffée over rice

Desserts

Bread Pudding
with bourbon sauce

Key Lime Pie

Apple Pie

Pecan Sticky Bun
homemade cinnamon roll with praline topping

Root Beer Float

SHAKES
Vanilla, Chocolate,Strawberry, Chocolate Peanut Butter

Today’s wine. White: SAUVIGNON BLANC Patient Cottat, Sancerre, France 2019 and Red: CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE Château La Nerthe, Rhône, France 2016.

So let’s get on the bus.

Before we get too far, we need to check out this fawn and mother on my driveway.

Mama needs to do some bathtime chores.

Running to mom.

Speaking of fawn, here’s one that has been parked by its mother. This is usually okay, but the mom parked this little one on the front lawn in full view of everyone passing.