This post was originally run on April 7th, 2015. I hope you get a laugh or two out of this re-run.

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best, your heart will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout. (The people behind you have a feeling of love right now.)

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first, then buy spot. If you do, at best, store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything before checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge on your next visit. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best, you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad, you could have bought a farm and raised your own. (You will need a horse, of course.)

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best, you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”( Yes, you can get a loan for your next trip.)

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on the government’s use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground, which has only one satisfactory conclusion, and that is to run out of the store. (You are lucky you didn’t sign up.)

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best, you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction. (Now that you are tied up, maybe you can explain it was a joke.)

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not reach over the counter to help yourself if you sit at the wine bar. If you do, at best, you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year.)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips understand they still are not a good thing to eat.  If you forget, at best, you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes. (The calories jump on the body the same way organic or no.)

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember, the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best, you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.(You can leave a security deposit to hold your place.)

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, the rest of the line will wonder what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest. ( That buzz you feel is all-natural.)