The inspiration for this list was a discussion between my wife and me about some of the ways kids able to light the parental upset fuse by a simple question. We both have asked some and have been asked some.

Top Ten Things You Never Should Have Asked Your Mother

10 You should never have asked your mother “What meatloaf again?” If you did, at best you got a cold stare and shoulder. At worst, you were invited to partake of food at the neighbor’s house. (The look told you she meant it)

9 You should never have asked your mother on her birthday “How old are you now?” If you did, at best you got a lecture on poor manners. At worst, you were witness to flying cake and a bedroom door slam that you still see in your nightmares. (The heat from the flaming candles should have been a clue to clam up)

8 You should never have asked your mother once your dad told you no “Dad says to come and ask you for the car keys.” If you did, at best you’ll get a response that confirms your dad’s opinion. At worst, you will have been solely responsible for the resultant three months of additional chores once the parental units caught up to your scheme.( Good luck on ever seeing those keys)

7 You should never have asked your mother “Don’t you think that dress is a little out of style.” If you did, at best your mother will go change but not talk to your for the rest of the day. At worst, you will be subjected to a long lecture about all the things your mother gave up so that you could have the most up to date clothing. (She is probably right you ungrateful dependent you)

6 You should never have asked your mother “Can you and dad leave while my friends come over?” If you did, at best you will get a firm “No” in response. At worst, you will be delighted to have your parents sitting in the very room where you and your friends are gathering. (Your worst nightmare has come true)

5 You should never have called your mother on April Fools Day asking “Come bail me out of jail?” If you did, at best a cold cloth applied by dad worked to revive her. At worst, the joke will have backfired to the point where your mom still thinks there was something behind it. (Not nice to play high stakes jokes on your worried mom)

4 You should never have asked your mother to bake cupcakes for the soccer team the night before the event. If you did, at best the cupcakes were made but you owed your mom big time. At worst, the cakes were made but you were so tired from helping you had the worst game ever. (Notice in each case the cakes got made?)

3 You should never have asked your mother to give you lunch money instead of packing a lunch since all the cool kids buy their lunch. If you did, at best you got the money but also a discussion about proper nutrition and peer pressure. At worst, you didn’t get the money and now find your lunch consists of every food you can’t stand including a lot of fruits. (Mom’s way of telling you to quit trying to be part of the in crowd.)

2 You should have never asked your mother to tell a fib about where you were when your stood up date called to talk to you. If you did, at best your mother simply hands the phone to you. At worst, your mother tells your date that you are not interested in talking. (The truth will ice that relationship. Won’t it?)

1 You should have never asked your mother to babysit your kids. If you did, at best all had an excellent time. At worst, your mother doesn’t want to return them to you.

This list is inspired by watching seventy plus Holidays come and go with some mixed results on gifting both giving and receiving.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

10 This year do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure it looked good in the catalog.?

9 This year do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t see that recall notice did you?)

8 This year do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)

7 This year do not give frozen mail order steaks. If you do, at best the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Years while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town did they?)

6 This year do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you choose arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well did they?)

5 This year do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipients lawyer who is talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it right?)

4 This year do not give a box of chocolate covered cherries. If you do, at best they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)

3 This year do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)

2 This year do not give anything that designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you chose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show or are you just an idiot?)

1 This year so not give anything that you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)