I am pleased to welcome Geoff Le Pard, who has a new book in paper and Kindle. Many of you know Geoff’s work from his blog and his other books. I hope more of you get to experience Geoff’s unique way of telling a story, a poem, an anecdote, or a travel adventure. Geoff’s go-to style is humor with a bit of spice thrown in for good measure. So here is his latest book, and I would encourage you to visit his blog. You will be entertained. Here’s the link geofflepard.com.
The blurb
What would you do if you were to host a dinner party and the sky wasn’t what you’d ordered? Could you find someone to shake out the creases from the clouds and tone down the wind to an acceptable zephyr? And what are the challenges facing a Portal Management Volunteer as they steer the recently departed to their chosen Hereafter? Or how would you organise your life if you were called to do God service just when you’d planned on making marmalade that weekend? Life, DEATH and Other Characters will inform and, where necessary, guide you through these and other complications amongst a lot of other short fiction that will educate inform and entertain. Well, maybe one out of three.
An excerpt
Send In The Clouds
Celia Pomeroy pressed the intercom. ‘Yes?’
‘Mrs. Pomeroy?’
Whoever was at the front gate sounded cheerful. Celia wished she could muster such bonhomie.
‘It’s Rebecca. From Landscape Cleaners. Skies, views, and aspects are our speciality.’
‘Lands…? Oh, are you here about our aspect?’ Thank heavens, she thought. Hosting Gerald’s business contacts would be hell enough without the right view to set everything off.
‘That’s right. We’ll soon have you shipshape and visually credible.’
‘Do you want to drive round the back, and I’ll show you what we need.’ The girl – Rebecca, was it? – had better be as good as she’d heard. Pulling on her sou’wester and heavy-duty wellingtons, Celia headed for the back of the house.
As she emerged from the French windows, Rebecca was easing herself out of her van, clutching an enormous umbrella. She smiled enthusiastically. ‘How can we help? You said you’d spoken to some party planners?’
Celia wrapped her arms around herself, trying to shrink inside her coat. ‘We bought this place a few weeks ago, but we had no idea that might happen.’ She waved at the trees. ‘I mean, who’d do that?’
Rebecca squinted where Celia had pointed. ‘I’ll go and check in a moment, but from here, I’d say sprites or possibly sprites and tree faeries. Didn’t the vendor mention the need to pay them fealty?’
‘No.’
‘It’s pretty standard. You should take it up with your lawyers. It’s something you’d expect to be disclosed when they do their inquiries.’ She peered at the troubled branches again. ‘That weaving is pretty recent, so we should be able to unknot everything and then defrustigate your arbours.’
‘Will this fealty cost much? We’ve lived in the city up to now, so I’ve no experience of these rural practices.’
‘Oh no. A few bowls of milk and a daily newspaper. That should see them right. What else?’
‘The sky? The party planners told me it needs a clean.’
Rebecca looked up. ‘It is pretty scuffed and rumpled. We’ll reel it in, give it a good wash and shake and then rehang it. Don’t worry; when the boys put it back, they’ll tuck it in and no one will know it’s been down. We can iron it, but some people think it looks a bit too perfect. Are the planners aiming at rustic or sophisticated?’
‘Sophisticated with a supercilious overtone.’
‘Then we’ll iron it. If it’s too flat, give us a call, and we’ll have someone puff it out a bit.’
Celia began to relax. ‘I’m so glad you came.’
‘It’s why we’re here.’ Rebecca licked her finger and stuck it into the air. ‘This wind is fairly boisterous. If you’re aiming at sophisticated, shall we tone it down?’
‘Is that easy?’
‘It should be. We can add in some bespoke zephyrs to accompany the coffees and liqueurs, if you like. Maybe you should raise it with the planners and let me know.’ She grinned. ‘I’ll just take a few pictures and measure up. Why don’t you go back inside? It’s a bit chilly out here.’
‘Yes, I’ll do that. Oh, one other thing. I wondered if you knew anything about flowers.’
‘Flowers?’
‘A friend told me it’s the latest addition to the best organised parties. You have arrangements and bouquets and all sorts.’
‘Really? No, I’ve not heard this. How does it work?’
‘Well, it did sound a bit fantastical.’ Celia giggled. ‘The way I heard it, there are these specialists – flowerists, I think they’re called – who buy in a lot of cut flowers and -’
‘Cut? As in severed from their stalks?’ Rebecca took a step back. ‘That sounds barbaric!’
‘It does a bit, doesn’t it? I think we’ll stick to the tried and tested. One final thing. Do you do moon dimmers? I’ve heard we’re in for a full moon on Saturday, and I don’t want it detracting from the light show.’
‘It’s not a service we offer, but I have a good contact at Lune In A Tic, who provide all your lunar requisites. I’ll give you their number before I leave.’
‘Marvellous. I’m making coffee. Would you like a cup?’
‘Lovely.’
* * *
Geoff’s Bio and links
Geoff Le Pard started writing to entertain in 2006. He hasn’t left his keyboard since. When he’s not churning out novels, he writes some maudlin self-indulgent poetry, short fiction, and blogs at geofflepard.com. He walks the dog for mutual inspiration, and most of his best ideas come out of these strolls. He also cooks with passion if not precision.
Geoff Le Pard’s Amazon Author Page
The inspiration for this list is my three days a week eight-mile ride on the single speed beach cruiser bike which is pictured above. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along and I thought I would share them with you. For those of you who have seen my bike before will recognize the fact that this is a newer version. It is all aluminum, so maybe it won’t rust and collapse under me like the last model. Hope you enjoy the list.
