Friday JohnKu – AKA TGIF

August 28, 2015August 26, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

Friday again. Boy what a week in the financial market. It was one for the record books and not at all enjoyable. I now realize why I don’t like to go to Las Vegas and put my hard-earned money down and watch it being swept away. It sucks when money disappears. (Okay, okay it’s on paper and not real money) I hope everyone who is determined to continue the carnage in the stock market has a nice weekend. Maybe then they will come to work Monday with the idea of buying instead of selling. I for one decided to sit this whole mess out. I don’t need to sell stocks and so maybe when the time comes when I do the market will return to normal. Either that or maybe I can take up collecting aluminum cans. Heaven knows there are enough left on the beach. This week’s JohnKu talks about concern around money. Hope you like it.

As the worry stops,

And life becomes easier. . .

The Dow interrupts.

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

June 29, 2015June 28, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Since this weekend is the Fourth of July holiday, I hunted my archives to find last year’s list so I could just duplicate it and call it a day. I found out very quickly that I didn’t do a fourth of July top ten list last year or the year before or ever. So as if to imitate the old saying “work is the curse of the drinking class” I had to get on the keyboard and create something. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

10 On July, Fourth do not keep saying Happy Birthday America since everyone knows that. If you do, at best you will get repeated eye rolls (suspect you wouldn’t care). At worst, you will notice yourself alone much of the day.

9 On July, Fourth do not bake a cake and put candles on top. If you do, at best no one will be able to blow them out. (There are supposed to be 239 of them not including the one to grow on) At worst, you will find someone to blow them out along with the side wall of your dining room.

8 On July Fourth do not think beer was made to be rendered extinct. If you do, at best your body will give you some dramatic warning signs that it is time to go home. At worst you will ignore those signs and have some lovely “did I really say that?” moments the next day.

7 On July Fourth do not think you can avoid the kiddie tricycle parade (especially if your next door neighbor is the organizer). If you do, at best your kids will think you should be turned into the government as an anarchist (they won’t know what that means) At worst, the Homeland Security Agent will find the story very amusing while he fills out your extradition papers to Guantanamo.

6 On July, Fourth do not put red, white and blue food dye in anything. (Although it might be tempting) If you do, at best your party goers will look like the before photo of the Orthodontist. At worst someone will laugh out loud at a joke just after a full gulp of your doctored brew in front of your new white silk couch. (You can imagine how the red, white and blue through the nose pattern spray effect do not go with the glove gray chair and ottoman.

5 On July, Fourth do not invite your boss to your house for a cookout. If you do, at best no matter what you cook they will be allergic to it. At worst the allergy is one of those things that can only be stopped with an emergency ball point pen to the trachea. (Your boss will not take kindly to the blue ink throat tattoo even though it was a lifesaver).

4 On July, Fourth do not be the one to authorize fireworks in front of your house. If you do, at best the rest of the neighborhood will disappear when the police arrive. (Leaving you to explain the smoldering remains of what looks like World War III) At worst, the direction of the fireworks will have a trajectory such that ground zero for landing will be your roof. (Where much excitement and the fire department will be concentrated).

3 On July, Fourth do not volunteer to host the block party this year. If you do at best, you will hope the home makeover will be cheaper this year. At worst, you will be denied a Federal designation of a disaster area and not be eligible for relief funds.

2 On July, Fourth do not allow the grill master to be in charge no matter how many feelings get hurt. If you do, at best the char on everything can be removed with little effect. At worst, you will be calling for pizza delivery right after the call to the fire department.

1 On July, Fourth do not think that a couple of more drinks will not do you any harm. If you do, at best just the fact that you have rationalized a couple more will haunt you tomorrow. At worst, you will wake up tomorrow making the same promise not to do that ever again and asking someone to shoot you. (They won’t of course)

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

March 25, 2015March 22, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Last week was the conclusion of the Frank and Billy saga. Although it looked bad for the duo, there was a last-minute trick a la Bob Newhart finale where I pulled a dream sequence to save the boys from certain destruction. Maybe some day we will see Frank and Billy again but this week we have a brand new cast of characters. The first character is named Bob, and he wants to be a published writer. The second character is Bob’s mentor named (you guessed it) Jane. The reason the names are a little like a primary reader is so we don’t all get lost in the dialog and can concentrate on the story. Okay, okay, I’ll change the mentors name to Charlotte. There everybody happy? So the opening scene has Bob in Charlotte’s office, and this is their first session together. I give you Bob and Charlotte. Hope you enjoy.

“So what is the first thing I need to do to get published Charlotte er I can call you Charlotte right?”

“Yes, Bob Charlotte is fine. You have finished your manuscript?”

“Yes, I have it’s right here.”

“Let me look at it.”

“Sure here. Watch out it’s pretty heavy.”

“Did you print this from your computer?”

“Not exactly. I wrote it by hand.”

“You’re kidding me. Let me see this. Oh my gosh, this is all in cursive writing.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel comfortable working with a computer on my books.”

“Why not for heaven’s sake?”

“I don’t think the true value of the work comes through. You know the pain, the angst, the struggle.”

“You don’t think working with a computer would ease a little of that for you?”

“Yes, but then how will a publisher know of my journey.”

“A publisher doesn’t give a crap about your journey. They want to be able to read the work and evaluate whether or not it is commercially viable.”

“I have a problem with that word.”

“Which word?”

“Commercially. I am an artist, after all.”

“And you want to be published.”.

“Yes, of course.”

“I agreed to mentor you only because your mother and I were roommates in college. I have to tell you I’m not sure you are ready.”

“Aw don’t say that. What do I need to do?”

“Besides get this manuscript typed?”

“I don’t want to have it typed.”

“Oh, my gosh.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

February 23, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

Since yesterday was Oscar Sunday I thought it would be nice to provide all you Oscar nominees (You know Best Screenplay from a novel) with a list of what not to do if you should attend the Oscar ceremonies. This list was inspired by witnessing several cringe-worthy moments during previous Oscar broadcasts. I hope you enjoy it (and heed the warnings when it is your time to accept)

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Oscar Ceremony
10 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not look at your seat mate and mouth the words out loud that belong to the initials NFW. If you do at best, the bleep and commentators comments will stay on YouTube for half a century. At worst, the FAA will present you with a bill representing the fine for a worldwide violation of on air decency along with instructions on how to answer the charges levied by no less than thirty countries.
9 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not rely on the tape applied to your daring dress by the designer to withstand the jumping up and down associated with the excitement of the win. If you do, at best you might have to react quickly to stay covered. At worst, you might have a wardrobe malfunction that happens so quickly the network is not able to eliminate it from the broadcast that is being viewed by your entire family including great grandpa Jerkins who has been known to use the switch on the kids when they are bad.
8 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not carry a cheat sheet with all the names of the people you have to thank. If you do, at best you will look like someone who has no idea who to thank. At worst, you will miss someone you should have included on the list and they will hate you forever.
7 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to present, a category make sure you know how to pronounce everyone’s name. If you don’t at best, you will make a small mistake no one recognizes. At worst, you will mispronounce a name or two and the video will be the one chosen to be sent into space as the iconic non-verbal depiction of a buffoon on Earth.
6 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to walk the red carpet, do not fall down. If you do, at best you will have to answer reporter’s questions continually all night about “your accident” as if you had wet your pants. At worst, the video will be made into a gif and will loop on the Today show website for a year
5 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not allow anyone to over-serve you. If you do, at best you will make some small mistakes that only your mother will notice. At worst, during your big moment you will take the opportunity to explain to the audience and the rest of the world how schuper schuper happy you are ta be part of the wonder-ful Hollywoot shoe and how y’wissh ta thank allllllll the little little people who schacrificed to get you where you are now.(no typos here all intended Sally) Your performance will be nominated to be the new public service announcement for a twelve step program.
4 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think Dick Pope will be at all entertained with any Dick Poop mentions. If you mention the unfortunate flub by Cheryl Boone Isaacs at best, you might just get a cold stare. At worst, you could be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich coming out of nowhere and without any mayo.
3 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think you should wear anything other than formal wear. If you wear something else, At best most attendees will assume you work in the kitchen. At worst, the jokes said behind your back will end up on the David Letterman show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me no one is laughing with you)
2 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think wearing an experimental hair style will make you noticed in a positive way. If you do, at best your hairstyle will a topic on the next “what not to wear at the Oscars” edition of Here’s Hollywood. At worst, someone will want to touch the creation, and you will allow them to do so since you think they are a big producer only to find out later they parked the cars.
1 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not try to get yourself in front of every camera. If you do, at best the producer will switch cameras the minute they see you on the monitor. At worst, although you thought each shot was magnificent, it appears you had a piece of spinach from the oysters Rockefeller stuck in your front teeth that made you look like a character out of the movie Deliverance.

Oscar Sunday HaiKu

February 22, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

Thought I would send this out even though I don’t typically post on Sunday. Had to get it out of my head though. If you enjoy the Oscars, this is your night. For others not so much.

Broadcast starts all fun,

Parade of Hollywood stars. . .

Hard to stay awake.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

February 16, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart and this may be the only reason. Of course, there have been forty-four presidents and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. Let’s just say if a President were a member of the family their birthday would in a probability be forgotten. So I’m making the supposition President’s Day is an invention of mattress and car companies for an excuse to have a sale. Here is a tongue in cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow up lawn thingy. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it and the tie down through you r neighbors front window and there will be no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness.

9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best you will sit under the cherry tree a very disappointed person. At worst, all the gifts you bought expecting a big gift exchange will all come due as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required.

8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in shock treatment.

7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning due to a report taken on the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam.

6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best there will be a number of slammed doors and no invitations for hot coco. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention and carry you bound and gagged to the nearest institution.

5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice.

4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill not to mention the crimp in the volley ball game.

3 On President’s Day do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best you will be the only one doing so and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, you massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof and since it is thirty degrees below zero the fire department won’t be able to pump water and your neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand.

2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best your family will seek council from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while placing bets on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars.

1 On president’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family and co-workers. If you do, at best they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year they will all send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one.

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

February 11, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

Wednesday is story day again (So soon? Shut up) and as always represents a marker for mid-week. I hope yours is going well. Last week we were still in the bank with Billy, Frank and Ms. Sutter. Ms. Sutter objected to having her name connected with a note that Frank wanted to toss to the police. After some discussion, it was decided that Frank would rewrite the note. He also was accusing Ms. Sutter of trying to take over. So here is where we should join the trio.

“So were you joking when you said I should take over?”

“Not joking really. I was being sarcastic since you are quite used to getting your own way.”

“Hey Frank. Maybe she should take over.”

“Billy how many times do I have to say, ‘shut up Billy.’”

“Not too many but she is pretty smart.”

“Shut up Billy.”

“So miss smarty pants. What would you do if you were the leader here?”

“I sure wouldn’t mess around with a stupid note.”

“No. Then what would you do?”

“I would grab me by the hair, drag me over to the window and then start shouting obscenities and threaten to kill me if the cops don’t co-operate. A stupid note says you are a rational human being who can be negotiated out of this place. They need to understand you are a ravenous, wild dog who will stop at nothing including your own death to get what you want.”

“Um Ms. Sutter?”

“What?”

“I’m not like that. First of all I don’t want to die and second of all I’m not a dog.”

“So tell me who really cares. You want the cops to believe it. It doesn’t matter what you are or aren’t.”

“I’ll tell you one thing.’

“What one thing?”

“If you were in charge I’ll bet you would get away with it.”

“Damn right I would.”

“So you want to give it a try.”

“Give what a try?”

“Try grabbing me by the hair, dragging me over to that window. Then shouting obscenities telling the cops you’ll kill me if you don’t get what you want.”

“Frank you do know that I’m not the bank robber here Right?”

“Yeah, I know. I just think you would be better at the intimidation of the police part. We could trade back roles once I got what I wanted.”

“Billy?”

“Yes Ms. Sutter.”

“Can I borrow your gun or will you please just shoot me?”

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

February 9, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

This list was put together and published today since next Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Although a little early, it just wouldn’t do to publish it next Monday which would be the 16^th. Since most of America goes bonkers in trying to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up and there will be a definite discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future. So here is the list. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

10 On Valentine ’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday,” as the truth. If you do, at best you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff which can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (the only cards left at this hour are the big lace lined mushy verses to grandma and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu which has everything you and your partner would call Terminix to get rid of along with ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish.

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt and your partner will feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity that will probably end up badly not to mention an intervention by the local community police.

7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best you will survive with a thought next year you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook , Twitter, Pinterest and the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift which goes viral with over a million views.

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best be prepared to see your item on E-bay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now as you are doing the spring garage clean out in preparation for the community garage sale and you notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales.

5 On Valentine ’s Day, do not buy chocolate covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac, the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella free fruit was way overstated.

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best you will make it home before the rose buds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet.

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolate’s you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best the freezer burn will give you away and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart and you will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the common chocolate truffle which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google whose results are sure to render your story as a complete fabrication.

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say exactly what you want to say. If you do, at best you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst , you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a little reference to being “good friends” which will spiral your partner into a space and only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down.

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best you might be forced to give up one who, at one time, thought you were pretty cool. At worst, the brother of the one who thought you were pretty cool and who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan has left word at all your normal haunts that he would like to talk to you.

Friday -AKA – JohnKu TGIF

January 23, 2015January 23, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Friday is here and with it a great longing for a continuation of the Football season. Oh sure, there is the Pro Bowl this weekend and the Super Bowl on February 1st but that is still not what I would consider a continuation of the season. Once all the college games were finished I had this hangover like I had been to too many loud parties but like attending loud parties, I have some good memories. My teams (Notre Dame, Michigan State and Baylor) made the season last as long as they could, but it still came to an end with the victory of Ohio State over the Oregon Ducks. My pro hopes were dashed with the defeat of the Pittsburgh Steelers at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens (spit). I did watch the AFC and NFC championships without having a favorite. It is interesting when you are not emotionally involved in the game you can actually appreciate good plays on either side.(and keep the blood pressure under control) I enjoyed the Green Bay/ Seahawks game because of the come from behind effort by the Seahawks. The Baltimore Colts/ New England Patriots game was definitely

I did watch the AFC and NFC championships without having a favorite. It is interesting when you are not emotionally involved in the game you can actually appreciate good plays on either side.(and keep the blood pressure under control) I enjoyed the Green Bay/ Seahawks game because of the come from behind effort by the Seahawks. The Baltimore Colts/ New England Patriots game was definitely one-sided in favor of the Patriots. The Super Bowl should be a good game since I think these teams will give it their best effort. This week’s JohnKu (a term coined by Words4jp) is about football (you think?) I hope you like it.

August is happy,

The start of football is here. . .

February mourns.

Wednesday Story Day- AKA Hump Day

January 14, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

Wednesday Story day is here. Last week we found Billy and Frank inside the bank ready to do the job. All of a sudden Billy needed to use the restroom. Obviously Frank lost it and told everyone in the bank to get on the floor totally ignoring Billy’s needs. Let’s join the pair where we left off.

“Frank I really have to go.”

“Shut up and might I remind you although it’s probably too late. No names.”

“Okay, Mr. X I really have to go.”

“Tell you what Billy, you and I can just grab the money and then you can use the restroom before we go okay?”

“I guess that will work.”

“Okay everyone listen up. We don’t have much time so I want you to remain calm and no one will get hurt.’

“You tell ’em Fr─ er Mr. X.”

“Take this bag you there on the floor. Get up and take this bag.”

“Yeah, take the bag.”

“Shut up Billy.”

“Hey no names.”

“Shut up Billy. Now put as much money as you can into the bag and be quick about it.”