Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

September 27, 2021September 26, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

This post was originally run on September 29th 2014. Still bears paying attention to today. I hope you like it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list has as inspiration a mishap in the kitchen resulting from not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are cooking dinner, do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best, you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, at best, you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst, you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “She reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best, you will only miss a few spices. At worst, you will get teaspoons and yards confused and find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner, do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best, the person helping will alter your recipe to their desire, but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong, and instead of your triumph dish, you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner, do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best, you will only get a couple of different requests and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive-through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best, the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best, you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese, which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best, your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time, and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret, which will be found out sooner or later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any significant degree. If you do, at best, you will be tired of the meal before serving. At worst, you will not outlast the preparation and wonder how the dinner went without you or the meal the next day.

Views of the Neighborhood – Another House Build

September 26, 2021September 25, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

We are off to view another home today. We want to look at this one because it is being built next to the runway at the Lakeway airport. It seems like a big joint, so we have to go through it. We are being catered by Tyson’s Tacos of Austin. I figured tacos are good for wandering around a construction site. Our entertainment is not available this week since YouTube is having a tough time allowing for the copying of videos.

Let’s get on the bus.

So here we are. As you can see, the outside is pretty much done. A lot of stonework.

Here is another view. Notice the observation area on the second floor.

Here is the three-car garage. You can also get a better idea of the stonework. There are piles of drywall ready to be installed.

The laundry room is right off the garage.

A doggie washing area in the laundry room.

A big living room with sliders on both sides. Through the glass, you can see an outside fireplace.

A double-sided fireplace into an office.

Second bedroom with outside slider.

Out to the patio from the living room.

Big shower in the bedroom ensuite bathroom.

Large island going where all those pipes are located.

The second-floor bath with tub. Those stairs lead to the observation area.

The observation area overlooks the airport.

Second-floor bedroom.

Second-floor ensuite shower.

Well, That’s it. Enjoy the food. I hope you have a great week. If you want to watch a pretty funny video of Toby Keith’s titled “Who’s Your Daddy,” you can click on the link. Sorry, it wouldn’t embed in the post.

https://youtu.be/TVRzk3VWOKY

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy in Battle (Sort Of)

September 23, 2021September 22, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

“The Water buffalo can sense puma danger lurking— What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want to be a puma today. I just don’t feel it.”

“For heaven’s sake. What do you want to be then?”

“How about a crocodile? That would be fun.”

“Okay, whatever. The water buffalo senses a crocodile danger.”

“Wait. A water buffalo is too big for a crocodile to fight.”

“I can get that. Do you have a suggestion?”

“How about a sheep. That would be a good size.”

“It will have to be a sheep with horns. Let’s go to the living room for more space.”

“The ram can sense the crocodile danger. So he lowers his head to defend.”

“It still doesn’t seem right. Something is off.”

“I think I can play a ram very well. What’s off?”

“Isn’t a ram a boy sheep?

“Well, yeah, I suppose so. What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know. I can’t visualize you as a boy.”

“You know, sometimes you have to get out of your perceptional box and look broader.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re older with more experience.”

“Okay, then let’s pretend I’m an antelope. Some female antelopes have horns.”

“I think the moment has passed. So let’s go back to puma and water buffalo.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #330 by Keith Channing

September 21, 2021September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below)as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo

“I thought I would call with a report. It is going better than I expected. I’m very pleased it’s going so well.”

“You should be. You put a lot of work into this show.”

“The people seem to like the wine and snacks. Thanks for that idea.”

“You are so welcome.”

“I think if we keep getting this kind of reaction, we should think about a regular gallery.”

“Most definitely. How many have you sold?”

“Hum, what?”

“How many pieces have you sold?”

“Er. Well, to tell the truth, none.”

“None?”

“Up-and-coming prospects, though. A couple is eyeing the rhinoceros.”

“I hope they get that thing out of the house.”

“What’s wrong with the rhinoceros?”

“The fact that it looks like an armadillo?”

“My interpretation.”

“So, given the state of sales, I think the gallery might have to wait.”

“I think you’re right. Sad thing.”

“Aw, darling, don’t be downhearted. What bothers you the most?”

“Having the cars outside.”

“Yeah, I understand that. Call it a sacrifice for your art.”

“So much washing.”

“Sushhhhh. It’ll be okay.”

“And wet sponges.”

“Let it out.”

“Buckets.”

“That’s where it is at, isn’t it, sweetheart.”

“Bawlllllllllllllll.”

Top Ten Thngs Not to Buy Online

September 20, 2021September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

This list was originally posted on August 21, 2015. Still makes some sense. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list represents some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Onlne

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp, which is the only thing produced. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be challenging to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away, and your face is blue. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness. Your breath smells terrific)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, and it is not critical. At worst, you will learn a little too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half-price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from the brick wall, no view outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an exciting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot vacuum kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced Xbox game. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Lamps

September 19, 2021September 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 100 Comments

Lakeway has an ordinance that all homes need to have a lamp in the front of the house. Since there are no street lamps here, the regulation is very practical. Without the house lamps, it would be very dark indeed. The nice part about the individual lamps is that the night sky is protected from the glare of high-powered lights. We will take a little trip around the neighborhood to check out the kinds of lamps people have in their front yard. (okay, not the most spectacular tour, but hopefully, you will like it.) To help we are catered Brunch from Josephine House of Clarksville. Our entertainment is Carol King

Brillat Savarin green tomato, strawberry, sourdough crouton, mexican marigold infused honey
Green Gazpacho corn pepper relish, creme fraiche and avocado
English Muffin Breakfast Sandwich chicken sausage, harissa aioli, grafton cheddar & scrambled egg
Steak & Eggs 44 Farms bavette steak, roasted marble potatoes, red chimichurri, sunny side up egg
Lemon Ricotta Pancakes strawberries, blueberries, maple syrup, house cultured butter
Egg Salad Tartine dill, radish, sunf lower shoots, capers on seeded wheat toast
Avocado Toast housemade hot sauce, lime zest & sunny egg
Josephine House Burger house-made bun, grafton cheddar, greens, grilled red onion, harissa aïoli, fruit
Huevos Rancheros housemade corn tostada, sunny side up eggs, black beans, ranchero sauce, queso Cotija, cilantro
Rice Bowl forbidden rice, roasted & pickled seasonal vegetables, avocado, arugula, romesco, poached egg
with seared chicken breast, Gulf shrimp, or Niman Ranch steak
Shrimp & Grits Barton Spring Mills grits, lemon, thyme, red pepper flake
Big Chopped Salad roasted chicken, pepitas, blackberries, avocado, goat feta & citronette

Of course, Top shelf drinks, beer and wine and VooDoo Ranger IPA.

The bus is ready.

Our first lamp has a stately demeanor.

The haunted house look.

Hard to describe but it is a lamp.

Classic carrage lamp with grasshopper bonus.

Sixties globe

Matching pole and house lights.

Modern LED type.

Three lamps supporting the blue.

A trio of lamps that look like they were cut off.

Another back the blue lamp.

A gas lamp.

Large lamp in the mist.

Another gas lamp.

So ends the exciting tour of lamps. Now relax and enjoy Carol King live. I hope you have a great week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Puzzle

September 18, 2021September 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

It was a beautiful day, and I was outside trying to remove the spark plug on the lawnmower. As I left the house, I was asked why clean a spark plug on a lawnmower that I will never use again. I pretty much ducked giving my honest answer since I didn’t have a good reason other than the fact that it needed it. However, I knew that my twisted logic wouldn’t fly, so I mumbled something about wanting it in tip-top shape to sell it. That seemed to do the trick since there was no follow-up inquiry.

I decided to sit on the patio to remove the plug. As I withdrew the dirty article, I could hear a commotion coming from the neighbor’s yard. Because of the privacy fence, I can’t usually see what is going on over there. However, I could make out the sounds of a person having some kind of stressful interaction with what sounded like a pack of dogs. Almost instantly, two hands appeared on my fence top, and I guessed that they would be soon followed by a cascading body. Sure enough, a hulk dressed in a USPS uniform landed with a thud in the center of a bed filled with vincas.

I asked if the person was okay. They had a puzzled look on their face, so I also asked if they needed me to call 9-1-1. They assured me everything was fine but wondered if I knew a John Howell. I offered that I did indeed know a John Howell and confessed that I was the very same. Without rising from the vincas, his hand shot up in the air holding an envelope. He asked that I take it, which I did. He then asked about the dogs next door, and I had to tell him that the neighbors don’t have dogs. He raised himself in a manner that could only be described as guarded. I asked him why he didn’t deliver the letter to my mailbox, and he responded by pointing out the special delivery stamp. As he was in a sad state and missing most of the backside of his pants, I decided not to ask any more questions. He limped toward the gate and let himself out. So the question of the dogs and why the unorthodox delivery remains a puzzle.

I opened the letter and inside was this note. Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “puzzle.” Use it any way you’d like! If you would like to join it, visit Linda Hill’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link https://lindaghill.com/2021/09/17/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-sept-18-2021/

“You left us hanging.”

“What?”

“That story in the intro. You totally left us up in the air.”

“Well, that does happen.”

“Yeah, but in this case, it’s not fair. What were the dogs doing next door?”

“They weren’t dogs. They were a pack of wolves.”

“Wolves. Where are there any wolves around here?”

“In my mind. This is fiction, remember?”

“Come on. Even fiction has to make sense. Why did the mailperson go to the wrong address?”

“He was new and got turned around.”

“What was he doing in the neighbor’s backyard?”

“He figured out he had the wrong place, so he was taking a shortcut.”

“What about the vincas?”

“We don’t have vincas, so everything is okay.”

“Why didn’t you put all this in the story?”

“I knew you would be here and asking me to explain the puzzle.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Yes.”

“Who’s turn to buy the beer.”

“Yours.”

“Why did you say that?”

“Cause if you knew you would have said, ‘It’s your turn.'”

“It’s your turn.”

“Too late.”

“Sheesh, another puzzle.”

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy Explore the Meaning of Life

September 16, 2021September 15, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 99 Comments

“It’s a beautiful day to be outside, Lucy.”

“Huh? Oh yeah. I think this white spot moved.”

“Look at the oodles of sunshine.”

“Uh-huh. What’s that above the window?”

“You ought to pay attention to nature instead of being distracted by superfluous things.”

“Okay. I’ll get down close to the yard and won’t be distracted.”

“Look at the flowers and take time to investigate the wonders of our world.”

“Hold on. What the heck has come over you. You sound like you’ve had too much yoga.”

“Oh, I don’t know, Lucy. There is just a lot going on in the world, and it just seems like we should be in the moment more.”

Okay. I think I’m going to tell Mom you need a feelings doctor.”

“That’s not it at all. I’m just glad we have a place to find peace.”

“Hey, Mom. Twiggy is talking funny. Might be time for the old V-E-T.”

“I know what V-E-T spells, and I don’t need to go there. What are you doing?”

“Have you ever really looked at an acorn? These suckers are complex.”

“Okay, you have made your point. We can enjoy all aspects of our life.”

“That’s for sure. Take a look at this leaf.”

“What I love about you, Lucy, you always have a level head.”

“Comes with age, kiddo. You’ll get there someday.”

“So, in being more level-headed, I’m heading for the nap zone.”

“Now you are speaking my language.”

“Yup, the umbrella is up, and we are good to go.”

“Terrific little one, save me a place.”

“It’s very cool under this umbrella.”

“See, this is more like it. Nothing to do but relax.”

“I wonder what the philosophers are doing today?”

“I don’t know, but move over, will ya?”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #328 by Keith Channing

September 14, 2021September 13, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

In Keith’s words, “Using this photo (below)as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

“Should we bother him?”

“I’m not sure. Looks like his mind is a million miles away.”

“That’s what I thought. If we try to get his attention he might have a heart attack.”

“We will have to interrupt his reverie sooner of later.”

“Why? We can just go somewhere else.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea. I don’t know where else to go.”

“We could keep driving until we see someone dressed like him.”

“That could be a hundred miles. We need to be home by lunchtime.”

“Why’s that?”

“The guy from the Audubon society is going to meet us there remember?”

“Oh yeah. You are making a big donation.”

“Well, birds are our our friends.”

“What about this one?”

“I think it belongs to that guy.”

“How do you know?”

“He’s got hawk protection for his hands. Look at the symbol on his jacket. It screams hawk.”

“I must say he even looks like a hawk. Okay let’s go tell him his bird is with us.”

“Don’t tell him about the pupachino at Starbucks. Not sure he would like the fact we got one for his bird.”

“I think it would be wise not to mention the blueberry scone either.”

“I think you’re right.”

“What should we say when he asks how we came to have his hawk?”

“I’d go with the bird was hitchhiking and we picked it up.”

“He’s not going to believe that.”

“Maybe the truth then?”

” When you called to it and it flew in the house sounds like a fairy tale.”

“That’s why I like the hitchhike story. Any way it doesn’t matter we will get the hawk back to it’s rightful owner.”

“We hope.”

“Look at the hawk. It’s shaking it’s head.”

“I think he wants to stay with us.”

“He’s nodding.”

“One question.”

“Yeah?”

“Where did this bird learn English?”

“Let’s ask him when we get home.”

“I wonder if he’s potty trained.”

“He’s nodding yes.”

“Does Polly want a cracker?”

“He’s not a parriot.”

“I still think he wants a cracker.”

“And ruin his lunch? No way.”

The Top Ten Things Not to Do While Working Outdoors

September 13, 2021September 12, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This post originally ran on September 15th, 2014. Seems like it is still good advice today. I hope you enjoy it.

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It’s that time of the year again when certain outdoor chores have to be done in preparation for the coming change of seasons. The weather is finally turning a little cooler, so the projects put off because of the heat can now be done. This list has been inspired by the times I have not paid attention to the Top Ten Things Not to do While Doing Outdoor Work.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do While Working Outdoors

10 If you need to fix or waterproof your outdoor deck, do not start the work after noon. If you do, at best you will have to work past dinner. At worst, you will quit the project only to find yourself doing the work in the snow.

9 If you need to go up on a ladder for anything, do not ask your spouse to spot you at the bottom of the ladder. At best, you may drop a tool that will be regrettable. At worst, your spouse may find themselves breaking your fall, which will be unforgivable.

8 If you need to use a power tool, do not forget the safety glasses. If you do, at best, you may get some debris in your eye. At worst, you might just get an exciting ride to the emergency room for significant eye repair.

7 If you need to use a chainsaw, do not try to saw off anything over your head. If you do, at best, you may not be able to avoid a falling limb. At worst, you may find yourself trying to avoid a swinging chainsaw running at full speed.

6 If you need to paint anything, do not think a spray gun is a way to go if you have no experience. If you do, at best, you may find the job harder than you expected. At worst, you may have covered the trees, shrubs, and your car with the beautiful coral shade you are using.

5 If you decide to rent any kind of machinery to do your work, do not fail to read the directions. If you do forget or decide to ignore them, at best, you may cause the machine to break down. At worst, you may find yourself and your machine in the living room when you actually intended to work on the driveway.

4 If you need to use any kind of grease on your project, do not fail to take off your shoes before entering the house. If you do forget, at best, you might only have one small piece on your shoe. At worst, you will have walked all the way through the snow-white living room before you notice your tracks and hear the sound of a gun being cocked.

3 If you intend to fix any plumbing, do not forget to turn off the water. If you do forget, at best, you will get a face full and be drenched before you go and turn it off. At worst, you will wish you had built an ark before beginning the work and are now watching your belongings wash down the street.

2 If your project includes electrical work, do not forget to turn off the electricity to the item you are working on. If you do forget, at best, you will cause some sparks and then go turn it off. At worst, you will cause an arc of electricity that will melt the tool you are using and permanently clear your sinus while providing you with a full-body hair removal treatment.

1 If you decide to dig in the yard to plant those big trees, do not forget to call the utilities to find out where all the lines are buried. If you do forget, at best, you may accidentally cut your neighbor’s cable, and they are a work-at-home IRS agent. At worst, you may cut more important lines and assume you survive you will be fighting the outage charges for the rest of your life.