Top Ten Thngs Not to Buy Online

onlineshopping

This list was originally posted on August 21, 2015. Still makes some sense. I hope you enjoy it.

***

This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list represents some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Onlne

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp, which is the only thing produced. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be challenging to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away, and your face is blue. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness. Your breath smells terrific)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, and it is not critical. At worst, you will learn a little too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half-price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from the brick wall, no view outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an exciting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot vacuum kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced Xbox game. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

98 comments

  1. I’m glad humour can cover for the ten worst decisions of my life. Hey, at least the rash is clearing but where’s the smell coming from? By the way, you never did tell me how you got a copy of my purchase list John.
    Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It was posted at the town bulletin board under the heading “laugh of the week.” 🤣

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I think some of these still do apply, John. Good list – good laughs. I hope your week is off to a good start.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The fact that I have 9 KB of memory left to post photos on WordPress makes it a challenging day for sure. Lots of deleting ahead. Have a good one. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Timeless advice here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Thanks, Charles.

      Like

  4. Don’t think I’d want to buy any of these things online. (I have booked hotel rooms and gotten bargains with much success.)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is a good thin, Joan. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I laughed at the pacemaker, until I remembered the number of people who enjoy passing themselves off as doctors. There might just be a market for such things…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Could be. The hearing aid glut makes me wonder.

      Like

  6. I haven’t seen a Yugo joke in awhile–love it!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This was six years ago. I think they faded with the Yugo.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rusting peacefully into oblivion with the other cars that seemed like a good idea at the time but werent. (I’m talking about you, Chevy Vega.)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah and I’m talking to you, Ford Pinto.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My dad had a series of Ford Pintos. By the time my brother got done with the last one, it was unsafe to drive at any speed.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think it was unsafe when it came off the assembly line. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

  7. They are all great, but it was # 7 that got me really laughing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked it, GP. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This was great, John! That meme cracked me up.😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Me too. It was funny six years ago too.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    LOL. I suspect we’ve all made that list, one time or another, with our not-so-wise choices. 😁

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think so too Gwen. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This is a great list filled with sound advice.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Molly Shea. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hubby and my sons have gotten some real lemons in the past. I keep telling them to read reviews before they buy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The best way to find out if it is a good thing or not. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I’ll have to show this list to my wife. I think we’re now eligible for our own dedicated Amazon delivery vehicle.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha. I thought I saw one go by with your name on it, Bob.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Hah! Number three gave me the heebie-jeebies… shudder!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think I share that feeling, Dale. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Lol! I almost spewed my coffee over the on-line appendix removal kit. I’m off to search. 🙂 Great list, John and still timely!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Try not to buy the ACME brand. I hear it isn’t very good. Thanks, Jan

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Love the robot vacuum.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Craig. I’m glad you did.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. That comic provided a needed chuckle for a Monday morning, John. And your list is hilarious — do people really buy those sorts of things online?!?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m not sure since I made the whole thing up. I’m sure they do ( Well except for the pace-maker and the do-it-yourself appendectomy kit.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. LOVE that cartoon! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I do too. Thanks, Pit.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    I might have a bought something from this list 😉 The good thing is now we have reviews to warn us, right?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes that is a good thing. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Love the cartoon. I’m with Dale…number 3…OOH!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. LOL, trying to decide if that rash was caused by bedbugs or crabs hahahahahahaha.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Let’s hope it’s the kind of detergent in the wash.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha let’s.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Quite amusing, and that cartoon really tops the post off nicely!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad you liked it Becky. Thanks for letting me know.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. “Lots of deleting ahead.”

    Good! It will keep you out of trouble for once.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes. My delete finger is sore.

      Like

  23. This post has really held up. It’s impressive Boss . . and a tad bit disturbing.

    Both.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree. Both. 🙄

      Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you, Michael

      Like

  24. Great list. I love the advice not to buy the appendix removal kit. 😉 But wait on sometimes they will also offer a remote surgery. xx Michael

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Michael. Yes remote surgery is possible.

      Like

    1. Thank you for the share, Michael.

      Like

  25. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    As my wife likes to always say to me when I’m trying to save a couple of bucks, “You get what you pay for.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hear that too. Thanks, Pete.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Very good John .. I have had a few surprises in the last 18 months of buying online… I will avoid the pacemaker and the sale airplane parts definitely…hugsx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think the do-it-yourself appendix kit might be one to pass on as well. Thanks, Sally.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. LOL! Loved the cartoon at the top! That was us yesterday…almost. We needed to get out of our of “house clothes” and go to a real store to try things out. It was an adventure. Trying to find a store with an open dressing room was a challenge. Let’s not talk about that person in the mirror looking back at me…nightmare! 😂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Those mirror gremlins are the worst. Pay no attention to them.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jacqui. 😁

      Like

    2. Thank you, Sally

      Like

  28. I hope the people in your picture don’t frequent my local shopping centre, John.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes they would be an image that would be hard to drink away.

      Liked by 1 person

  29. Lol. From now on, I will definitely beware of discount DIY surgical tools. Thanks for the education, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just doing my duty to warn the unsuspecting public, Diana. Thank you. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  30. Years fly & nothing changes, dear John! Thank you for this timeless retro sushi set. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The sushi set is timeless. Good thing we have refrigeration. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Thank you, John, for bringing some giggles and smiles. Love the cartoon!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so glad you liked it, Karen.

      Like

  32. Good advice – for some reason I thought of the hair extension my sister bought from the back of a comic book in the 60s. Not online, but an earlier version of buying without seeing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Barbara

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Pretty good advice John, especially #5! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Always try to proffer the very best even if I have to make it up. Thanks, Debby. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol John 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  34. D.I.Y surgery doesn’t quite hit the spot as doesn’t the aeroplane parts…lol…Thank you for the giggles, John… although I have had a few online buying disasters over the last year they haven’t been that spectacular…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Carol. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  35. I’ll try to stick with buying books online. Great list John, too funny. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Glad you liked it, Mark.

      Liked by 2 people

  36. The appendix kit… never underestimate what some people might do. Funny, John!!

    Liked by 2 people

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