Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

~ John W. Howell

This post was originally run on September 29th 2014. Still bears paying attention to today. I hope you like it.

* * *

Photo by Conscious Design on Unsplash

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list has as inspiration a mishap in the kitchen resulting from not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are cooking dinner, do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best, you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, at best, you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst, you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “She reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best, you will only miss a few spices. At worst, you will get teaspoons and yards confused and find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner, do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best, the person helping will alter your recipe to their desire, but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong, and instead of your triumph dish, you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner, do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best, you will only get a couple of different requests and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive-through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best, the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best, you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese, which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best, your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time, and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret, which will be found out sooner or later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any significant degree. If you do, at best, you will be tired of the meal before serving. At worst, you will not outlast the preparation and wonder how the dinner went without you or the meal the next day.

75 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner”

  9. That asparagus elicited an out-loud laugh! It also reminded me that, as kids, we called it “asper-grass.” It was a sly way of repeating another phrase adults used that would have gotten us in trouble. You know — as in, “if you don’t get that lawn cut this afternoon, your a** is grass.”)

    Like

  12. Crazy funny, John. One of my lessons — only cook canned or frozen beans. I’d wash the dry beans, soak them, then begin the long boil. Well…I don’t know how many times I’ve forgotten to check that pot and burnt it so badly that I’ve had to throw the whole mess away (including the pot). Yep, this multitasking cook is easily distracted. 😁 Have a great day and thanks for the morning smiles.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This proves once again why I lean towards take-out. I love passing off the Stouffers Mac and Cheese as homemade, since everyone can spot how it congeals like it just had an oil change. You think you can disguise it in a fancy casserole dish, and you can pull it off, providing no one eats it.

    Funny you are, then now. They’re all new to me. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Susannah. Eating the Stouffers mac and cheese is the tip off. Sitting across the room on a special shelf. Ah now that’s the way to pull it off. “Oh that? Just something I whipped up. Here have this turkey leg instead and if you should have room . . . well maybe.”

      Like

  30. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner – JAMES JUNIOR

Comments are closed.