Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This post was originally run on September 29th 2014. Still bears paying attention to today. I hope you like it.

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Photo by Conscious Design on Unsplash

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list has as inspiration a mishap in the kitchen resulting from not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are cooking dinner, do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best, you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, at best, you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst, you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “She reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best, you will only miss a few spices. At worst, you will get teaspoons and yards confused and find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner, do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best, the person helping will alter your recipe to their desire, but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong, and instead of your triumph dish, you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner, do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best, you will only get a couple of different requests and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive-through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best, the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best, you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese, which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best, your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time, and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret, which will be found out sooner or later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any significant degree. If you do, at best, you will be tired of the meal before serving. At worst, you will not outlast the preparation and wonder how the dinner went without you or the meal the next day.

75 comments

  1. Sound advice for keeping yourself, your house and most importantly, your dinner intact.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David. Hugs 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Very good advice, John, and funny. I’ll never look at asparagus the same way, again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha. Thanks, Steve. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve done #9 a few times which resulted in burnt food. (It’s also a good way for that pot to boil faster.)

    Good ones, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thak you, Joan. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I didn’t burn the house down, but I did walk way from a tea kettle (and went to bed). We woke to an odd smell and a dull glow coming from the kitchen. Good rules, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yikes. Good thing you woke up.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The bottom of the kettle was gone. The wooden handle had been reduced to ash and the kettle itself was beginning to crumple.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Goodness. I would have fired the whistle guy.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. All of these are reasons why I let Derek do all of the cooking. Great list, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smart woman for sure, Jll. 😊

      Like

  6. I am very familiar with distracted cooking, particularly #5.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been known to try cooking without a recipe. Never works out well. Thanks, Liz.

      Like

  7. Think I’ve learned all these lessons the hard way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too (obviously) Thanks, Charles.

      Like

  8. I’m bad for #10 – not really with the boiling water, but if I’m broiling something or toasting nuts on the stove, I tend to wander off, lol.

    Like

  9. That asparagus elicited an out-loud laugh! It also reminded me that, as kids, we called it “asper-grass.” It was a sly way of repeating another phrase adults used that would have gotten us in trouble. You know — as in, “if you don’t get that lawn cut this afternoon, your a** is grass.”)

    Like

  10. Excellent and sound advice and yeah… I’m with the asparagus peeps 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahha. Thanks, Dale.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. You should send this to one of those homemaker magazines.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are way too serious for the likes of me. Thanks for the compliment though. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    Crazy funny, John. One of my lessons — only cook canned or frozen beans. I’d wash the dry beans, soak them, then begin the long boil. Well…I don’t know how many times I’ve forgotten to check that pot and burnt it so badly that I’ve had to throw the whole mess away (including the pot). Yep, this multitasking cook is easily distracted. 😁 Have a great day and thanks for the morning smiles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m with you on the bears. Way too risky. Thaks for sharing, Gwen. Those burnt bean pots need a landfill.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gwen M. Plano · ·

        I’m so glad you understand. 😂 Sending hugs…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That first line should have been “I’m with you on the beans.”

        Like

  13. Guilty of so many of these!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too, Noelle. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  14. #10 is also true for pan-frying bacon, unless you like to eat charcoal. And #9 lands you high up on the list for “adult only” books.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bacon takes a close watch for sure. My motto: low and slow. Thanks, Pit.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “Low and slow” is what I only learned here from Mary. She does her bacon extremely slow, though. 😉 I do “low and slow” when smoking meat.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. So funny, John! #9, 5, & 6 cracked me up! Great list!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Lauren. lad you liked it. Thanks for letting me know.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    #5 🤣

    Like

    1. Hahaha. I have a dish by that name. Thanks, Pete.

      Like

  17. This proves once again why I lean towards take-out. I love passing off the Stouffers Mac and Cheese as homemade, since everyone can spot how it congeals like it just had an oil change. You think you can disguise it in a fancy casserole dish, and you can pull it off, providing no one eats it.

    Funny you are, then now. They’re all new to me. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Susannah. Eating the Stouffers mac and cheese is the tip off. Sitting across the room on a special shelf. Ah now that’s the way to pull it off. “Oh that? Just something I whipped up. Here have this turkey leg instead and if you should have room . . . well maybe.”

      Like

  18. LOL. #2 made me laugh, John, because I frequently pass off store-bought pies as my own. Don’t tell anyone though, because the family still doesn’t know. They love my pies. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our secret. Thanks, Diana.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Excellent advice that stands the test of time. Sadly, I’ve found several of them out the hard way … through personal experience (#6 and #8!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think we all have, Debbie. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I’m in the habit of doing # 8 on the weekends. It makes for some very original recipes! 😬😵

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll bet. Thanks, GP.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Ha. Last night…don’t go unloading the trunk while making grilled cheese.🤦‍♀️

    Like

    1. That should be a rule.

      Like

  22. Lol, John! I’m bad about not sticking to a recipe. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. Good ones!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. “She reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

    Thank you. That was laugh-out-loud funny!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So glad you got a laugh. Thanks for letting me know. 😊

      Like

  24. Thank you John! Always a good mix of humour and very thoughtful advices. Enjoy a wonderful week. xx Michael

    Like

  25. #10, I do that a lot 🙈 I know I should not but it keeps happening 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We all do at times. Thanks, Ganga.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. I never drink and cook. I drink, then cook . . then drink . . then cook . . then drink . .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. I like your style. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  27. I doubt I’ll be able to cook asparagus for a long time without laughing my head off!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just don’t get it confused in a story. Thanks, Jennie.

      Liked by 1 person

  28. I’ve made all of these mistakes, except for #2 and #3. Whoops, I better check the chicken I’m boiling downstairs….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I smell the pot boiling over from here. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Got it just in time. Poppy Seed Chicken for dinner last night. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. We had honey glazed chicken. Yum. Yours sounds good as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  29. […] Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner […]

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  30. Ha ha! I have experienced number 10. Not exactly through the floor, but through the seat of the dining chair on which I put an electric stove to cook some noodles on.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah that does please the spouse for sure.

      Liked by 2 people

  31. Another great list, John. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Nice advice sir

    Liked by 2 people

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