
The inspiration for this list is the fact that the Academy Awards are next Sunday and I’m sure you are all going as a guest of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I feel it is my duty to give you some pointers so that you don’t come away from the awards regretting your attendance.
10 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to get out of your limo before the driver opens your door. If you do, at best you might hit the driver with the swinging door. At worst, there will be a mechanical malfunction, and the driver will be forced to leave the red carpet area with you still in the car. (Pounding on the glass only adds to the chaos, Dev.)
9 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to walk by Tiny the WWF champ who has been given the assignment of checking all invitations for authenticity. If you do, at best you might be clotheslined by Tiny’s massive arm. At worst, Tiny has been warned once already not to let any party crashes in, so he elects to give you his best body slam to slow you down. (Don’t worry Devereaux, your breath will come back once that EMT puts the oxygen mask on.)
8 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think dancing the Stroll on the red carpet is a good idea. If you do, at best the network reporters will pretend to be busy with someone else. At worst, you will snag your shoe in a wrinkle and go down like a Mosler Safe falling off the twelfth floor. (Yes it was caught on network TV, Devion. Yes, they got your name right. Yes, the moment is being replayed with a laugh track. No, there is not an agent who will touch you.)
7 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not complain loudly about how far away your seat is from the event. If you do, at best the room will wonder who elected you king. At worst, the committee head in charge of guest invitations will quietly ask you to leave while the two big goons drag you toes down to the ally. (You just broke the record for the shortest time as a guest, Diarmaid. You should be proud.)
6 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not whistle and stomp when your favorite actor wins best performance. If you do, at best the ushers will ask you to stop it. At worst, those around you will take law and order into their own hands. (Hard to make noise with that cumberbund tied firmly around your head isn’t it, Dima?)
5 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think the bottles of wine are for you exclusively. If you do, at best a waiter will remind you. At worst, you will have to fight your tablemates all of which are stunt doubles. (Those people are healthy aren’t they, Dimochka? You might get the feeling back in your arm by Tuesday.)
4 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not ask the person next to you if they are going to eat their lobster chunks. If you do, at best they’ll leave. At worst you will find out shortly that the person next to you is a black belt special warfare instructor. (Wow, that throat chop indeed stopped you from wanting lobster hey, Dionysius?)
3 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not take the centerpiece. If you do, at best a security person will take it from you. At worst, you’ll make it to the pickup area and then be arrested on National TV for grand larceny. (You always take the centerpiece right, Dohasan? Well not this time.)
2 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not do your special dance at the Governor’s Ball. If you do, at best the orchestra will suddenly take a break. At worst, the videos of you dancing will go viral with the caption, “Partygoer who is out of control.” This will do wonders for book sales, Donatello.)
1 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not corner your favorite actor, playwright or author. If you do at best, you’ll get a cold shoulder. At worst, a gang of security people will wrestle you to the floor and hold you there for the police. (Why is that camera person continuing to film this travesty of justice, Donavon? Maybe if you stop yelling obscenities they may finish as well.)