Top Ten Gifts Not to Give on Valentine’s Day

February 12, 2018February 11, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

The inspiration for this list was an inquiry on Google asking for the top ten gifts given on Valentine’s day. There are lovely things passed from one to the other on the Hallmark occasion. There are also some significant landmines waiting for the unsuspecting or clueless gift giver. Here are just ten.

10 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a message ball foot massager. If you do at best, your concern for the treatment of Plantar Fasciitis will be noticed. At worst, the hard rubber ball can double as a weapon in the wrong hands. (I think the concern for health now turns to you, Dalziel. That lump looks pretty bad. Follow this pen with your eyes.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a thumbs up cell phone holder. If you do, at best the question will come up, “How many times do I need to set my cell phone down?” At worst, the recipient has discovered an alternate use of the cell phone holder. (So now you have a unique hat to wear to work, Danaus. How are you going to explain it to your co-workers since it doesn’t look like it will come off anytime soon?)

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love sexy erotic lingerie with no back and three strings. If you do, at best you will have to field the question, “am I not sexy?” At worst, your love will decide to make an example and post a selfie with the question, “Would you wear this to bed or to a porn shoot?” (The photo went viral, and the consensus is for the porn shoot, Danell. Oh, and your boss wants to see you in her office, now.)

7 On Valentine’s day, do not give your love compression socks. If you do, at best they’ll be returned. At worst, you will not have an answer to the question raised in court, “and what message were you trying to convey with this pair of compression socks given on Valentine’s Day?” ( The judge is making notes, Danton. This does not look good for your side.)

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a Happy Bluetooth Beanie cap with built-in earphones. If you do, at best the temperature will stay at minus 10 degrees for a year. At worst, your attempt to provide a cozy way to listen to tunes will be viewed much like a blender. (You know the blender that you gave last year which is still in the box in the garage, Daphnis?)

5 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a plastic infuser water bottle. If you do, at best your love will have always wanted one. At worst, your love will go online and see you spent a whole $2.50 for this model. (Sure it’s the idea and not the cost that counts, Dardanus. This time though you struck out on both.)

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a fitness tracker. If you do, at best there will be a question about motive. At worst, the subject of fat will inevitably come up and as you know from other experiences around this word it will not end well for you. (Do not speak, Darick. You will only incriminate yourself no matter what you say.)

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a motion sensor toilet nightlight. If you do, at best your love will be gracious, and you’ll never see the contraption again. At worst, you will have reopened the great argument on toilet behavior that has been raging for years. (Trying to explain a nightlight for someone who never gets up at night is a losing proposition, Darrel. Might as well try to sell it as an improvement device for you.)

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a personal pepper spray defense weapon. If you do at best, it will be viewed as concern for safety. At worst, you’ll be in a position of giving something useful much like rubber gloves for washing dishes. (Okay so you talked fast and only got sprayed once as a test, Daryn, I would think this through next year.)

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a sign for the dishwasher that indicates clean vs. dirty. If you do, at best your new assignment will be the dishwasher. At worst, the sign could be used to show other items in the house needing your attention. (So here it is on the bedroom door, Davidson. You found out what it meant on the laundry hamper, but this is a mystery.)

Views of the Neighborhood – The Fence

February 11, 2018February 10, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

Some of you may recall on one of my tours there was a fence covered with numerous objects found on the beach. Hurricane Harvey took it and there was not enough left to take a photo.

I did have a photo of the original.

I am pleased to report that the fence has been rebuilt.

Here is a shot of the one corner. The items on the new fence have for the most part been donated by residents.

Here is a longer view. That orange plastic thing on the right is a utility connection. The cover is gone, and the city ran out, and the plastic is temporary.

A close up of some of the items.

Another shot.

Pails, flip-flops, sand molds, a rake, and other trinkets that seem insignificant make up the inventory.

I love that shark shovel and the frog.

Here is a photo of a piece of the original fence and the new.

A small poem.

Insignificant by John W. Howell © 2108

A fence of trinkets,

Not important to FEMA . . .

Rebuilt from the heart.

I hope you liked this essay on community spirit.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Tale/Tail

February 10, 2018February 9, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again. This week’s prompt is “Tale/Tail. Linda Hill says we can use one or both. If you would like to play with words visit Linda’s blog and see how. Here is the link.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Feb. 10/18

“I see you been up to the Hill.”

“Huh. What are you talking about.”

“You have a prompt tucked under your arm, so you have been to the Hill.”

“Oh. You talkin’ about the Linda Hill hill?”

“Yes, of course. Man, it takes forever with you.”

“Whatever. Yes, I have this week’s prompt.’

“Care to share?”

“Tale/Tail.”

“You talkin’ sex now?”

“You call me slow. You’re not only the same, but your mind is in the gutter.”

“You’re the one talkin’ dirty. Not me.”

“The first is like a story. Tale. The second is like what is on an animal.”

“So it could be the tale of a tail.”

“Well, I suppose it could be.”

“What are you going to write?”

“I think I’ll do a story about a guy telling a story. It will be a tall tale of the woods.”

“So where does the tail come in.”

“What tail?”

” I thought you had to use both.”

“No, it is okay to use one or the other or both.”

“Can I do one?”

“Of course.”

“Mine’s going to be about a ranch. I’m almost positive I can work in the word tail. You got your horsetail, dog tail, foxtail, raccoon tail, cow tail—”

“Okay, I get it. Why not go away and write it.”

“You want to get rid of me?”

“In a word?”

“I don’t get it. I bust my tail helping you with your prompt tale, and this is the thanks I get.”

“Don’t consider it permanent.”

“And now the narrator says, “In anger, he turns tail and heads for the door.”‘

“Don’t go away mad.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

February 9, 2018February 8, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Another Friday is upon us. Unlike last week this one feels like it flew by. I guess we can never explain from one week to the next why some are quick and some seem to drag.

This week was pretty productive. Gwen and I got the cover for The Contract finalized. There are a few little tweaks left but all in all, it is how we want it. We also received the last of the Beta reads and the suggestions were outstanding. So we are finished with the Beta phase and if our editor is reading, it will be your turn come the first of March. We are now in the process of blurb production and marketing plan development.

Today’s JohnKu talks about what it takes to publish a book. I hope you all have a nice weekend.

A Book by John W. Howell

Looks like just a book,

Behind the words agony…

Forgotten when launched.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Bailey Face the Elements

February 8, 2018February 7, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

“Hey, Boss.”

“Hi, Lucy. What’s up?”

“Um. Do we have to go for a walk today?”

“What’s the matter? We always go for a walk.”

“The wind chill is in the thirties.”

“Oh, come on you big sissy. You have fur after all.”

“Well ask Bailey. She’ll tell you.”

“Is that right Bailey?”

“Pops. it is a little cold out there.”

“Aw, come on you two. Let’s go.”

“This is not going to be fun, Boss. I’m just sayin’.”

“You have to buck up, Lucy. Look at Bailey.”

“Hey, Lucy. Do you see what I see?”

“My eyes are frozen shut. Tell me.”

“It’s a grader down the beach. Oh, Maddie’s papa is going to like this one.”

“Who wee. The wind is a little stiff, Lucy. Hang on to your ears.”

“I see you are right Bailey. Look the other way. There are front loaders too.”

“What are they doing?”

“They are grooming the beach. Taking sand and putting it back in the water.”

“What? I can’t hear you. This wind is crazy.”

“Look the other way. Just do it.”

“For heaven’s sake, Bailey. I’m freezing. We need to get going.”

“Okay, you lead I’ll follow.”

“Come on, Bailey. Run down here and take a look at that thing.”

“Okay, I see what you mean. That thing sure is noisy. Why does it beep like that when it backs up?

“That is so the slow-witted among us won’t get run over. It’s called a back-up signal. It only makes that noise when it backs up and it is the law.”

“You would have to be pretty dumb to stand behind that thing in the first place.”

“Human regulations for humans. Need I say more?”

“Well, this has been exciting, Lucy. I don’t know about you but that couch is calling my name.”

“I hear it too, Bailey. Let’s grab the humans and head back. I wonder if there is bacon today?”

“Naw you wouldn’t know these two are carnivores. Yogurt and apple for breakfast.”

“Yogurt is tasty.”

“Yeah with some turkey stirred in.”

“Never happen, Bailey.”

“I can dream. Let’s go.”

The IF Challenge – A Prompt by A Frank Angle

February 7, 2018February 6, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Ever think about how many times we use the word “If” in a day? Although some more than others, we use “if” in a variety of ways. Well, it took an exchange with Marc (@Sorryless) initiate this idea – the If Challenge.

The Basics

Write a post featuring If as the theme.
Publish the post after I post mine.
Link to my If Challenge post (NOT this page).

The Details

An If post can be in any form: a short story, a poem, an artistic impression, a commentary, and more. You choose the format.
At the end of your post, mention the If Challenge and encourage your readers to read more If Challenge posts that will be linked in the comments on my post. NOTE: Link to my post, NOT this page.
If you choose, you may display the If Challenge badge.
I will probably post my If post on Tuesday 6 February 2018 at 9:00 PM (Eastern US).

Here is my response to the challenge.

“If I tell you a secret, can you keep it?”

“If I tell you I can, will you believe me?”

“If I tell you I believe you, will you believe me?”

“If I tell you ‘yes,’ will you believe me?”

“If I say ‘yes,’ will you tell me the secret?”

“If I say ‘yes,’ will you believe me?”

“If you say ‘yes,’ I will believe you.”

“If you say ‘yes,’ I will tell you the secret.”

“If I say ‘yes,’ you will tell me the secret?”

“Yes.”

If you would like to read other contributions go to:

https://afrankangle.wordpress.com/2018/02/06/on-if/

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

February 7, 2018February 6, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Wednesday Story day again and last week we were with Frank Plano, Alice, and Mrs. Murphy while Frank was talking through some fine points of what Alice saw the night the Severides were murdered. Mr. Plano implied that Alice did not see what she said she saw. Of course, Harriet Murphy caught on to the implication immediately and politely showed Mr. Plano to the door. It looks like Frank is heading to the lawyer’s office. Let’s join him as he is ushered into Jason McDonnell’s office. You will recall Jason is the attorney hired by Mrs. Murphy to protect Lucas from Sheriff Gibson’s obvious attempts to railroad him to confess the murder of his parents. (Whew, I hope everyone is caught up)

“Well, Frank. Have a seat.”
“Thanks, Jason.”
“I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”
“Yeah, and I’m grateful you could spare the time.”
“What’s up?”
“It is a strange thing. My investigation has been going smoothly with an all roads conclusion that the Sheriff has for some reason been involved in the murder of the Severides.”
“Well, we both came up with that hypothesis given his obsession with hanging the blame on Lucas.”
“I know right? Except some of the facts don’t seem to add up.”
“Like what?”
“Well for one, other than Alice Weston giving an eyewitness account of the sheriff going into the Severides house the night of their murder, there is no other witness to that event.”
“Yeah so? She said she saw him right?”
“Yes that is in my report, but I’m beginning to doubt she did.”
“Really? Why’s that?”
“You ever see anyone on Heroine?”
“No.”
“Well, if she started to nod off while she was in the Severide house like Weston says, she would have been dead gone at the time she supposedly saw the sheriff.”
“What about Mrs. Murphy?”
“She says she didn’t see anything.”
“How about when he left the house?”
“Mrs. Weston and Mrs. Murphy told me they didn’t hang around to see him come out.”
“Well, that’s convenient.”
“I think we need to focus on a different direction. Unless I find someone else who saw the sheriff there, I think I’m going to try to get to the bottom of Mrs. Weston’s reasons for saying she saw the sheriff.”
“Any need to talk to Lucas again?”
“Nope. I still don’t think he had anything to do with the crime.”
“Any theories?”
“One not worth mentioning right now. I need more facts.”
“You are the investigator. So go do your thing.”
“I still wonder why Mrs. Murphy hired us though.”
“To clear Lucas.”
“Yeah, that is obvious. I don’t know, I have a gut feeling there is more to it.”
“Want to explain?”
“Let me get more information first.”
“Mrs. Murphy doesn’t have endless funds you know.”
“I will do this on my own dime. Something isn’t adding up, and I need to get to the bottom of it.”
“Be careful.”
“Huh?”
“There is a murderer out there remember.”
“Oh yeah, right. Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“See ya.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #160 by Keith Channing

February 6, 2018February 5, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6 pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here – pingbacks don’t often work.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or website, next Monday.

The photo.

“Okay, mister. Where do you want the concrete?”

“Concrete? What concrete?”

“I have a mixer full of concrete ordered for delivery.”

“Delivery? I never ordered concrete for delivery.”

“Here’s the invoice. Look for yourself. ”

“Hmm, six yards of concrete. Yes, that’s my address, but I’m telling you I didn’t order it.”

“Give it to me. Your name Smith?”

“No. My name is Bronkowski.”

“You have any idea who Smith is? Whoever it is, owes me $540.00.”

“Well, it sounds phony and it’s not me, that’s for sure.”

“Sorry, buddy but your address is on the order, so I need to unload here.”

“Wait. I just had a thought.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Old lady Schmidt has been complaining about my chicken wire sculptures for a month. I’ll bet she called you guys.”

“Why would she do that?”

“I think she believes these are support structures for concrete statues.”

“So she is giving you a hint?”

“More like a shove.”

“So what about it?”

“Not a bad idea. I was going to make topiary sculptures, but I can see concrete might be more permanent.”

“You’ll have to work fast. This stuff sets up pretty quick.”

“How quick?”

“You’ll have a couple of hours. Besides that delicate chicken wire is not going to take a heavy load all at once.”

“So you are telling me?”

“To stick with topiary. Where does Old Lady Schmidt live?”

“Next door.”

“What if I dump it there?”

“Yeah, it is only one number off. Could you?”

“You cover the cost?”

“I’ll get my checkbook.”

Top Ten Things Not to Ask a Genius

February 5, 2018February 4, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

The inspiration for this post came after pondering a discussion with a brilliant person. I just wondered what it would be like to be that smart. One thing led to another, and the list was born.

10 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them how it feels to be so smart. If you do, at best you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll be forcibly engaged in a Socratic analysis on what “smart” means. (Getting tired after a couple of hours are you, Dante?)

9 If you are talking to a genius, do not mention the weather. If you do, at best they’ll excuse themselves. At worst, you’ll be entertained by a recap of the correlation between black hole proximity and global warming. (You didn’t know that was the subject of the person’s doctoral dissertation did you, Deon?)

8 If you are talking to a genius, do not make any sudden moves. If you do, at best you’ll get a flinch. At worst, your genius will have Tiny the WWF champ as a best friend. (Tiny moves fast when he thinks there is a danger, Demetri. I think I would begin testing those Rockport shoes and see if they are a flexible as advertised.)

7 If you are talking to a genius, do not comment on their clothes. If you do, at best they won’t understand what you are saying. At worst, they will provide you the existential theory behind their choice of what to wear today. (Not only did it take two hours, but you still don’t understand how the stripes and checks go together relative to the world politic do you, Dixon?)

6 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them what they want to eat. If you do, at best you will get an “anything,” response. At worst you will be taken down a probiotics path from which there is no return. (You’ll never look at a steak the same way again, Dacy.)

5 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them about their favorite sport. If you do, at best they’ll defer to asking you. At worst, after an hour you finally realize they are talking about a game that was played in ancient Macedonia. (The sad part is their team lost, and you now have a complete commentary on how the other team cheated with a deflated goat bladder and poisoned arrows. Some fun huh, Daelan?)

4 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they watch on television. If you do, at best you’ll have to define the term “television.” At worst, you will be treated to watching the Nature Blog live feed of baby ants who were cloned from a prehistoric frozen egg hatching as viewed on an iPad. (Really glad you asked that one, aren’t you, Dagan? Wait! Is that an anteater?)

3 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they have a hobby. If you do, at best they’ll be too shy to share. At worst, before you know it you are hooked up to a worldwide XBox War of the World gaming competition. (So how many lives do you have left, Daileass? I think you better swing that broadsword at everything you see. Given the intensity of this game I have a feeling that once your lives are finished, you are too.)

2 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they belong to a club. If you do, at best you’ll get a stare before they walk away. At worst, you will have to defend the idea of having a high affiliation need as it relates to your own insecurities. (Makes you want to go to a cabin in the mountains doesn’t it, Daire? Then you can prove you are not intellectually weak and as a result, don’t need anyone.)

1 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they do for a living. If you do, at best you’ll get a one-word answer, “work.” At worst, you will have a detailed description of the job but will not understand what it is in a hundred years. (Did you get the opinion that they were speaking in a different language, Dalbert? What the hell is a Spectrographic Survey Specialist anyway?)

Views of the Neighborhood – Big Foot

February 4, 2018February 3, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

This week’s View of the Neighborhood follows the Bigfoot Drilling rig as it moves down the Corpus Christi channel to the Gulf of Mexico. The oil and gas rig is headed to a position about 250 miles off New Orleans. It will be anchored in water about a mile deep. Once productive it will deliver 25,000 barrels of oil and 25 million cubic feet of gas per day. It is currently moving in the Gulf at 1.9 knots on a heading of 172 degrees. The rig is 60% owned by Chevron with other partners controlling the balance. The picture above is a storage facility for other platforms. I will use it as a reference for the photos to follow