Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Academy Awards

Oscars

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that the Academy Awards are next Sunday and I’m sure you are all going as a guest of the Academy of Motion Picture  Arts and Sciences.  I feel it is my duty to give you some pointers so that you don’t come away from the awards regretting your attendance.

10 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to get out of your limo before the driver opens your door. If you do, at best you might hit the driver with the swinging door. At worst, there will be a mechanical malfunction, and the driver will be forced to leave the red carpet area with you still in the car. (Pounding on the glass only adds to the chaos, Dev.)

9 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to walk by Tiny the WWF champ who has been given the assignment of checking all invitations for authenticity. If you do, at best you might be clotheslined by Tiny’s massive arm. At worst, Tiny has been warned once already not to let any party crashes in, so he elects to give you his best body slam to slow you down. (Don’t worry Devereaux, your breath will come back once that EMT puts the oxygen mask on.)

8 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think dancing the Stroll on the red carpet is a good idea. If you do, at best the network reporters will pretend to be busy with someone else. At worst, you will snag your shoe in a wrinkle and go down like a Mosler Safe falling off the twelfth floor. (Yes it was caught on network TV, Devion. Yes, they got your name right. Yes, the moment is being replayed with a laugh track. No, there is not an agent who will touch you.)

7 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not complain loudly about how far away your seat is from the event. If you do, at best the room will wonder who elected you king. At worst, the committee head in charge of guest invitations will quietly ask you to leave while the two big goons drag you toes down to the ally. (You just broke the record for the shortest time as a guest, Diarmaid. You should be proud.)

6 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not whistle and stomp when your favorite actor wins best performance. If you do, at best the ushers will ask you to stop it. At worst, those around you will take law and order into their own hands. (Hard to make noise with that cumberbund tied firmly around your head isn’t it, Dima?)

5 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think the bottles of wine are for you exclusively. If you do, at best a waiter will remind you. At worst, you will have to fight your tablemates all of which are stunt doubles. (Those people are healthy aren’t they, Dimochka?  You might get the feeling back in your arm by Tuesday.)

4 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not ask the person next to you if they are going to eat their lobster chunks. If you do, at best they’ll leave. At worst you will find out shortly that the person next to you is a black belt special warfare instructor. (Wow, that throat chop indeed stopped you from wanting lobster hey, Dionysius?)

3 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not take the centerpiece. If you do, at best a security person will take it from you. At worst, you’ll  make it to the pickup area and then be arrested on National TV for grand larceny. (You always take the centerpiece right, Dohasan?  Well not this time.)

2 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not do your special dance at the Governor’s Ball. If you do, at best the orchestra will suddenly take a break. At worst, the videos of you dancing will go viral with the caption, “Partygoer who is out of control.” This will do wonders for book sales, Donatello.)

1 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not corner your favorite actor, playwright or author. If you do at best, you’ll get a cold shoulder. At worst, a gang of security people will wrestle you to the floor and hold you there for the police. (Why is that camera person continuing to film this travesty of justice, Donavon? Maybe if you stop yelling obscenities they may finish as well.)

58 comments

  1. Amazing sushi-set with wasabi, dear John!

  2. I was cracking up from the start. Great list, John! Happy Monday!

    1. Thank you, Jill. Have a super week.

  3. All terrific and funny advice. Who here among us will grace the all-beloved red carpet?

    1. You never know. All those authors and screenwriters out there. There may be some.

  4. Sounds like a lot of work. Probably better to stay at home . . . and watch whatever else I find on television. Lobster chunks don’t sound very appetizing for some reason. Think it’s the ‘chunks’ part.

  5. Don’t know if I’ll go this year. Do they have WiFi… free WiFi?

    1. Sure. How else could all the airheads in the room tweet meaningless messages to their millions of followers.

  6. These are great, John. I’m laughing harder at number 3. At the Super Bowl party we attended, the centerpieces were all Official NFL footballs. I’m sure you can buy them at Walmart, but several people were wondering if it would be possible to sneak one out of the ballroom.

    1. Under their coat. “Oh this? I have a medical condition.” 😀

  7. opalitelife · ·

    I will stick to my computer then

    1. Good idea. Thanks for the visit. 😀

  8. Great list, good John!
    Years ago, this would be one of my favorite shows to watch…
    Today, I get more than tired listening to their political expertise, using their celebrity as a tool of influence. Sure, they have their rights! I’m just saying,,, Ergo, I don’t go AND I don’t watch TV and listen to their rants and raves.

    1. I’m with you. Those who listen to celebrity opinions are certainly following a biased view. Thanks, Billy Ray.

  9. Hilarious, John! From doing the stroll (yes, I remember that from American Bandstand) and the Mosler safe, to the lobster chunks, to the centerpiece, to my fave Tiny. Great laughs all the way through. Thank you! 😂

    1. Thank you, Jennie. I’m so glad you had fun with it. (Not sure everyone gets the Mosler safe reference.) 😀

      1. Just old old folks. Older is better, by the way.

      2. I know. I’m there.

      3. Me, too! 😀

  10. Have a great week, my friend!

    1. You as well, Billy Ray. Thanks for the wish.
      😀

  11. Gwen Plano · ·

    So funny, John. The images you’ve created are perfect for the craziness of the night. I have to admit, I don’t watch the awards anymore. The night seems to be less about the artistry and more about political posturing. 🙂

  12. Tee-hee! Love the list, John. Oh and #11, When presenting an award, do not grab anybody’s butt on camera, even if you think you’re hidden behind the podium. Happy Monday hugs.

  13. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    Great morning laugh and reminder of up coming event:) I will have to forgo my dance moves.on the red carpet when I get that invite…lol

  14. Funny as always, John. But you don’t have to worry about me. I stopped watching the AAs years ago – we have so many ‘aren’t I wonderful” and ‘pat me on the back’ awards for the Hollywood community, it got nauseating. Plus their political comments are stupid and ill-informed half the time. The Hollywood community is totally divorced from real life.

    1. I agree. Too bad most folks are willing to listen to someone rant who knows nothing.

  15. Superb list, John, but this one I won’t need – I won’t be watching it on TV either… that’s right up there with pro sports games…

    1. Thank you, John. I hear you. I didn’t watch a single event.

  16. How about get up to accept an award that’s not yours.

    1. That would be embarrassing for sure.

  17. Nice list, John. Sadly, I wasn’t invited to the festivities (but at least I won’t have to fret over Tiny checking my invite, right?!)

    1. That’s right. Sometimes he gets a little rude too.

  18. Laugh out loud funny, John. Can you give me Tiny’s address please … from the description I think you may have just located my ex-husband.

    1. Ha ha ha. It could be. Does he owe you money?

      1. 🤣 Put it this way … if I collect I can probably pay a seal team to tuck him into bed all cozy. Does Duct tape make you sweat?

      2. Yes it does. Especially if it is wrapped around a person and a sea anchor

  19. Too funny, John! I just never considered all the ways one could go wrong at such an event, but I will be prepared if my invitation ever arrives. Perhaps I haven’t been invited because I have not seen any of the movies nominated but I have heard of a few. Creative as always!

    1. Thank you, Jo. Don’t ever say ever. It just may.

  20. Great advice all the way around, John!

    1. When you get nominated I want you to pay attention. Thanks, Jan. 😀

  21. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    It’s another Top Ten list from John Howell’s Fiction Favorite Blogs. This timely post is on the things not to do at the Academy Awards

      1. You’re welcome.

  22. This is too funny! Thanks for the chuckle. I will remember not to take the centrepiece.

    1. Depends on how big it is. Thanks, Darlene.
      😀

  23. Haha, John. I should have read this before I attended Dealmakers Awards last week, I might have avoided a few mistakes.

    1. I hope you can go back next year.

  24. My kid, the biggest Oscars fan ever, is going to love this, John.
    Thanks, man.

    1. Tell her this is how not to behave when she gets an invite.

  25. Two thoughts: I’ll probably want that centerpiece, and I’ll definitely wanna dance on the red carpet. 🙂 Great list; thanks always for the smiles, John!

    1. Ha haha. You go on both.

  26. Hilarious list, John. I could see someone doing the Stroll down the Red Carpet. I was showing my daughter how to do that in an almost empty parking lot at a McDonald’s one time and the Manager started cheering me on. I wouldn’t try it on the Red Carpet though. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Ha haha. I could see that, Suzanne.

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